Playing Well With Others (19 page)

How do you afford it?

So you really want to go to that big event, but you’ve done the math and it seems really expensive. Remember, though, that you’re investing in education, connections with new people, and memories that can last a lifetime. In fact, there are people who come to only one big kink event a year, or even one in a lifetime, and are able to grow an amazing home-based kink life out of such outings. Some folks just want to say that they went that one time.

The big kink event can become your vacation. You can cut costs by buying your ticket right when registration goes live, hunting the Internet for cheaper airfare, and sharing a room with someone you know. Finding events in driving distance can save on airfare, and sharing the drive can reduce gas costs.

People in the kink community have varying levels of disposable income, and some folks reading this will happily drop money on going to a big kink conference every month or two, with shopping, flights, and more. Many of these folks are also the ones who we have seen contribute to charities, support scholarship funds, and donate in other ways to make the event excellent for others. Thank you so much for all of your support of the community. And for those who have more limited financial resources and still make it work, thank you for making the effort and jumping in to make it happen!

What are ALL your resources?

If money is not readily available to you, consider taking a look at all of your available resources. Do you have time, energy, or expertise that an event might be looking for? Perhaps the play party would happily let you in for free if you can help clean the space after the party is finished, or the big hotel event will “comp” you in exchange for managing their online presence if you have those skills and resources. Many events have volunteer opportunities, staff positions, scholarships, at-cost positions, or offer the possibility of working for the event’s vendors. Your life skills and professional expertise in the default world make a place for you in the kink community: event planners, accountants, security professionals, nurses, project managers and many more find an eager welcome from folks planning events. If you are a massage therapist and can’t afford a weekend pass, maybe you can afford a few hours to give massages to the staff in exchange for your fee.

Packing Your Bags!

So you know where you’re going, your tickets are in hand, and it’s time to start figuring out what to haul along with you. Let’s get packing!

• Does the event have any special events you with to attend? You may need to whip up a toga for that Roman orgy theme party.
  

• Do any classes you want to attend require bringing specific props? You might need your own yoga mat for the “stretching for sex” class.
  

• Are you doing anything at the event beyond attending? If you’re volunteering, presenting, hosting a theme party, judging a contest, or doing anything else extra, you may have special packing needs.
  

• Do you have any mobility or accessibility concerns? Bring along extra batteries for hearing aids, and check how best to integrate your service animal into the event.
  

It can be tempting to bring it all: every wardrobe possibility, every toy you might even consider using. Think twice. Remember, at the end of the weekend you have to re-pack the car, and airline baggage fees add up quickly.

If there is stuff you really want to have with you but you’re not sure whether you can bring it on the plane, check the airline’s policy carefully. If there is still a question, or you really need that katana sword or collapsible police baton, consider shipping it in advance. Many hotels will allow registered hotel guests to send items in advance, though some may charge a small handling fee. And driving can be an issue as well — laws vary from state to state and country to country about what you may possess and carry. It would be a shame if your “Good Cop / Bad Cop” scene was derailed because you weren’t aware that your props were illegal!

Whatever do I wear?

You don’t have to have thousands of dollars in outfits and toys; in fact, most folks don’t. Don’t let the porn fool you. Not everyone has a custom couture latex wardrobe and hundreds of pounds of chains in their luggage.

Clothing for kink events is not about how much you spent — it is about dressing for your own personal, sexual and emotional success. That means asking yourself what you can wear to feel fabulous! Many fetish looks out there do not look good on everyone — what will look best on your body type and with your specific attitude and style?

I fly a lot. And, once in a while, baggage gets misdirected and your leathers don’t land when you do. It is smart to carry on a nice change of clothes, and pack enough for at least one day of survival at an event. That way, if bags do get to you late, you aren’t skulking around the dungeon in those comfy frequent-flyer pants, slouchy sweater and shabby sneakers.

The variety of wardrobe choices are pretty staggering. Common themes include:

• Corsets, stockings, lingerie and/or heels
  

• Leather, chaps, motorcycle gear
  

• Wrestling, football, soccer or sports gear
  

• Religious or spiritual-themed costumes
  

• Tuxedos, ball gowns, or other formalwear
  

• Medieval, Renaissance, Victorian and Edwardian clothing
  

• Punk, rockabilly and gothic
  

• Zoot suits and flapper dresses
  

• Age-play gear (from diplomas to diapers)
  

• Human-animal based costumes
  

• Modern primitive, tribal or body paint
  

• Sexy underwear or jockstraps
  

• Latex, PVC, and other shiny options
  

I have a denim fetish, so a really sexy pair of jeans really works for me most of the time. However, if an event has a fetish theme, I go out of my way to try and dress up. It’s not about me - it’s about creating a collaborative vision for sexual fantasy. If I rocked up in my flannel print shirt to the Eyes Wide Shut party, or to the super-classy dungeon, it would feel like a glitch in the Matrix for me. SM party in Oregon? Hell yeah I’m wearing my flannel print shirt! Fetish event in Manhattan? Not so much.

By wearing wardrobe that is chosen to make us feel and look sexy, and getting together with others who have done the same, the space becomes an erotic fantasy feast for the eyes. Everyone can make the effort to dress up to contribute to this collaborative experience.

Consider DIY kink fashion. Thrift shops, garage sales and the fabric shop are rich with possibility. Modify that old Halloween costume, or add a PVC tie to the button-down shirt and trousers you already own. If in doubt, black is a safe default, but try digging through your closet and see what you might already have. Mixing and matching from past outfits can sometimes spark ideas for creative new looks without breaking the bank.

Now as for footwear — that is a matter of passionate, heated debate in the kink community. Some would argue that highly polished boots and staggeringly high heels are the only way to go if you are serious about your kink. Others think that as long as they are not stained white tennis shoes or ratty sandals, you’re probably okay. And then there are the handful of Keds and Birkenstock fetishists who feel their desires are being derided! Someone into age play may need those high-top sneakers to achieve their desired look, and some leatherfolk would never consider walking into a bar or dungeon without spit-shined ship-shape jump boots. Know that in some places, if you don’t have on decent-looking footwear at least, folks may not let you in — and also that if you try to wear 7” stiletto heels all night, your feet may hurt. The authors recommend packing backup footwear.

Guys, make an effort.

Don’t be that dude -the one that shows up in stained pants and a shoddy shirt when your partner spent two hours getting into their fabulous outfit. At least put on clean jeans, a nice kilt, or that suit lurking in the back of your closet.

Getting There

Bus, subway, light rail, taxi, train, plane, shuttle, carpool, driving a rental car, driving your own car or motorcycle . . . there are so many options on how to get there! Be diligent in your research. Yes, there are two airports in Chicago, but one is a free shuttle away from the conference, and the other takes an hour and a half of light rail and fifteen blocks of walking with all your roller bags. And that’s assuming you are in a major city like Chicago!

Some venues will not release full hotel information in advance in order to maximize privacy for attendees. Stringent privacy rules might be in place because of past issues. If the local press has in the past released information pertaining to kink event locations and caused a stir, the event hosts are going to do their utmost to protect event attendees from unwanted attention. But they should still be able to give you honest information about whether you can fly in and get a shuttle, if there is public transit available, or whether a car will be needed to get there. Sometimes that event labeled “Dublin, Ireland,” is really located forty minutes outside of town in rural County Kildare.

Outside of theme or strict dress-code parties, I wear what I want to wear to kink events. Sometimes that’s a pretty dress, other times a t-shirt, my titlehold-er vest, jeans and my Wesco lineman’s boots. I often find myself teased for wearing my sassy girl-style Crocs to parties. I see it this way: I am a kinky-ass pervert. I have fetishes. I wear clothes. Ergo, if I am wearing it, it is fetishwear.

Can I fly with that?

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has seen it all. No, really. However, there are many things you cannot carry on flights, such as sharp items, weapons, or bottles of liquid over three ounces. Check a toy in your luggage if it can be mistaken for a weapon, and make sure that the potential weapon in question is legal in your destination. Brass knuckles, weighted leather “sap” gloves, switchblades and butterfly knives, cattle prods, etc., may be legal in your home state, but may provide grounds for arrest once you hit the tarmac at journey’s end.

If the inspectors or TSA agent asks you the purpose of a particular item, answer honestly in a way they can understand. If it is an electric butt plug, say it is an electric butt plug, or perhaps a bedroom novelty device. If it is a vibrator, say it is a vibrator, or a personal massage device. Playing coy and coming up with some clever answer can make it seem as though you’re something to hide, which isn’t a good move. If you are shy about saying “butt plug” or “bedroom novelty device” to a TSA officer, consider not putting it in your carry-on luggage. And don’t trip about being proactive — if they ask, tell ’em. If they don’t ask, there is no reason to volunteer your personal details.