Playing Well With Others (40 page)

Above all else, remember two key points:

• You are responsible for yourself and your own journey.
  

• Be kind to yourself.
  

By remembering these two points, you increase your chances of success . . . even when you get the pervy blues. A positive attitude, attention to self-care, compassion for yourself and others are wonderful ways to take out some “emotional insurance” and help set you up for the big win.

And so, now, you’ve gotten through the amazing energy of the event: how do you handle re-entry? Coming back to the default world can be challenging. Read on for some help on how to come back from the depths to the surface without getting the bends!

Chapter 11

Transitioning with Grace: Back In the Default World

T
HE PARTY IS OVER
, everyone has left the munch, and the tear-down crew is packing the hotel dungeon back into the moving van. It’s time to wriggle out of that latex, button up the button-down and get back to the office . . .

But how do you go back into the default world after having seen so many wonderful things and experienced such exceptional energies? The key is an awareness and respect for the transition itself. You must develop tools for facilitating that transition, knowing, identifying and accessing your allies, and remaining true to your authentic self along the way.

Real World? Fantasy World?

The default world is known by many names. Often people refer to it as the “vanilla world.” You may also hear it called the “real world.”

For some, the default world
is
the “real world.” For them, the kink community is a place to escape, to adopt a fantasy persona, to play dress-up and freely inhabit a new and different way of being. For others, though, the world at large is certainly not the real world. For them, the kink community
is
the real world, a place where they do not have to wear the mask of “polite society.” This is the place where such people find their chosen family, their tribe, and for them it’s the realest place there is. Still others never transition: there is only one world, and they move seamlessly between the kink and default worlds without boundaries.

Running from Obligations

Some folks have been known to enter into the kink community and decide immediately that this will comprise their full-time reality. They burn bridges back in the default world - leave their jobs, abandon families, or ditch their “boring vanilla” friends who would “never understand” this amazing new world they’ve discovered. If this is you, we suggest taking a long hard look at whether you truly want to join the kink community to the exclusion of everything else, or if you are simply using it as a rationale for abandoning your responsibilities. Ask yourself whether total immersion, to the exclusion of all that came before, may be harming yourself or others. Is this a form of addiction? Does it interfere with your daily life? If you do decide to incorporate kink into your full-time life, it will be more fulfilling and sustainable if you can find your way to doing so from a place of honor, respect and clarity.

There is no right way to view the default world. And rest assured, your thoughts will change. Rather than focusing and fretting about managing solid, inviolate barriers, ponder instead what nourishes you. Do you need to connect with this community or your specific tribal group daily? Every few weeks? At a monthly SIG meeting? Or only at the big annual con? Do you live and breathe on that kinky social networking site, but really only need to do an in-person event once every few years? Or do you feel no need for a community of kink, and feel happy being at home with your pervy partner and collection of toys?

Transition Tools and Techniques

Whatever your degree of involvement and philosophical approach may be, as of the day this book goes to press there remains a distinct divide between what most of us perceive as the kink community and the world at large. And anytime we move between cultures, as well as physical or emotional experiences, our bodies and spirits need tools for transitioning.

After being humbled by adoration, receiving touch and affection, having deep conversations or experiencing profoundly intense physical sensations, how do we go back to a place that does not always have that same degree of intensity?

“Drop” can come after an event, especially for those who have played hard. This phenomenon may be related to the biological and neurological realities related to the “high” of the kink encounters in which we engage. Or it may be the realization that the default world does not come with a greeter’s table, cuddle party or hospitality suite. It may also include having to move back to mundane reality after the protracted time frame in which we unleashed our hidden victim, wicked villain, spirit animal or inner child. Thus, a day or week later, feelings of being tired, drained, sad or depressed can come up. These feelings are normal.

When I first started attending big kink events, that first day back in the corporate trenches felt very much like leaving the Technicolor Land of Oz for the gray reality of Kansas. I wondered how people lived in this place where relationships weren’t explicitly negotiated, where I had to watch my language, where I was not free to be who I was, all of the time. Then I realized that, in my particular situation, I had a great deal more freedom than I originally thought. Eventually, over the course of a decade or so, I found ways to make my living with kink-friendly companies, came out to my family, and learned to kick down the barriers that I felt held me back from manifesting my most authentic self.

We made suggestions in
Chapter 10
about how to reduce the likelihood of event drop through preventive care. We can also do work after the fact to help reduce its effects. Being kind to yourself as you transition is thus the first step of transitioning with grace. You may also wish to:

• Have an exit strategy.
  Knowing in advance what your plans will be for entry back into the default world, no matter what they are, can help prevent crashing. If you can look forward to an hour of shiatsu massage, a few hours alone for a good hot bath, or time spent with your primary partner, this anticipation can give you an attainable benchmark and goal, and anchor your process.
  

• Take a vacation from your vacation.
  If you can, taking a day off after the event to decompress and come back into the default world can ease the burn of re-entry into your atmosphere. It can be rough to go straight back into the office the day after your whole world was shaken up. But even if you can’t take the day off, acknowledge that you may need time to transition emotionally and physically. Even if your routine has to remain the same, you can cut yourself some slack.
  

• Plan a decompression party.
  Set up an after-event group dinner, a small get-together at someone’s house, or some other “step down” from the big conference. Even hitting a munch can help you to tag a pleasant “coda” onto the experience.
  

• Ritualize your exit.
  Gathering a group of friends and removing your event wrist bands at the same time, or at the end of each event always blowing the venue a kiss, can create a consistent way for the unconscious mind to remember that it is over, and that it is okay. Some folks will carry the end of event energy to an “afterglow” party, which might be as simple as gathering at the hotel lounge for a round of beverages and a lingering goodbye.
  

• Cherish trinkets and swag.
  Holding onto event programs, conference badges, t-shirts, run pins and other swag can help us recall the event fondly days, weeks or months later. The same is true of going back through notes taken in classes.
  

• Share your stories.
  Whether you post a scene report, chat with a friend, or write a review of your favorite class, sharing your experiences — the highs and the lows — can be a great way to process and decompress.
  

• See kinky friends a few days later.
  Sched uling your attendance at a local munch, or booking dinner with a friend from the event, can help give you something to look forward to. If the hot new person you met lives across the country, consider booking a phone date for later that week. Either way, connecting with
  people
  is vital.
  

• Get your kink on.
  In the days after the event,
  play.
  Whether you’re making love to yourself while recalling that hot scene from the convention, connecting with a partner who did not attend, playing with a lover who was there as well, or hooking up with a new friend from the con, this type of reconnection can help you transfer into the world at large.
  

• Actively process your thoughts and feelings.
  “Whether you work with a counselor, life coach, spiritual leader or mentor, talk therapy can be helpful for some. You might be haunted by the sensation of guilt, or again confronted by your personal programming around kink being “wrong.” Seeing a kink-friendly therapist (or other professional) can help us when stuff has been dislodged within our psyche. Please be aware: some therapists still pathologize kink, and may reinforce your fear that what you did was wrong. In
  Appendix 4B
  , you can find resources for locating professionals who will respect your kink and BDSM lifestyles.
  

• Do that self-care thing.
  Eat well, stay hydrated, watch a fun movie, read a good book, or get that long-deserved pedicure. Taking care of your body will help reduce that energetic crash.
  

• Plan for the next one!
  Figuring out when you can attend your next play party, fetish ball, weekend intensive or con can be a transition tool for some: if you know when your next encounter is due, it can feel less like a loss when you move back to the default world.
  

Taking a Break from Community

For those of us who have been in the scene for a while, or who have found ourselves overwhelmed by what we have experienced, sometimes taking a break from being immersed in the kink world is healthy. Taking a month, or even a few years, away can help us process, and find our voice or place in the community. Not being part of the community does not mean that we are not kinky. Staying at home to play is OK and a great choice for many folks. It does not mean that the community is not a good thing, or that you need to abandon it altogether. And don’t worry: we will still be out there should you choose to return.

Remember, as you change your headspace from an event into the default world, that the chasm is not as large as we think. We can bring the joys, connections, lightness and revelations that we made in the kink world back with us. We are the same people, even if we have had major epiphanies and beautiful revelations. There is no need to lock ourselves away and spiral into a crash. You can do it. And if hiccups come up, remember that you have allies, so leverage them!

Who to Tell, What to Tell

Once we are back in the default world, it can be challenging to find our filters. Who do we tell what about our explorations in BDSM?
Chapter 4
presented you with some ideas of what to tell folks as you sail forth into the wild, wonderful adventures in kink. The same ideas apply when we re-integrate: your co-worker does not need to hear the details of your kinky escapades; they are asking if you had a fun weekend as a way to connect with you. And sharing your new-found obsession with spanking may well land you in front of a Human Resources Officer if your co-worker isn’t open to sharing your experience. Letting folks know you had fun with friends is just fine.