Playing Well With Others (39 page)

If you’re sick, please don’t come to the event. I was helping run an event when an attendee showed up on leave from the military, where he was stationed in the Middle East. He was only on leave for two weeks, and so even though he was sick, he came, played with, and made out with everyone he could. By the end of the weekend, almost a quarter of us went home with what we called the “Bahrain Death Flu.” We were violently sick for weeks.

• Shower.
  Getting funky on the dance floor is one thing; being funky from neglected hygiene is not nearly as charming. Showering every day will get your body ready for that sexy encounter, remove some sweat, and prime you for getting your groove on. It can also help you take a break from the conference. Spencer Bergstedt, respected attorney, transgender activist and veteran of many, many conferences, once gave the following bit of advice regarding conferences: “Get your head wet. Once a day.” He went on to advise that, at the end of the day, a shower can help you physically relax and symbolically (or even ritually) cleanse yourself, releasing the energy of the day so that you can rest, or energizing you for the day ahead.
  

• Listen to your body.
  Was that a grumbling belly? Consider feeding it. Was that a twinge in your back? Consider communicating that to your partner. Feeling strange about talking to that person? Your body has a gift of its own wisdom, and listening to all of the messages it is trying to share can help keep us safe, healthy and hale.
  

Caring for your mind and energy level

Kink events can be emotionally, energetically and mentally challenging, even for the most experienced kinksters. Getting into an upbeat headspace as we prepare for an event is a great way to work out your mind. If we don’t approach in a positive mindset, there’s a higher chance that we might crash and burn at the con itself. There are things you can do to help you achieve a good mindset from the outset, such as:

• Doing your homework.
  Have you scoured the website and discovered all of the classes and activities available? Perused the program book or pamphlet that was provided when you registered? Having an idea of what to expect can help us get jazzed up about the event.
  

• SeX it up.
  Looking at porn, having sexy conversations with a partner, or flirtatiously negotiating that hot scene on the way to the con are all fun ideas that can help get you in the mood. If you have the time to have a mini-scene with yourself or someone else before hitting the business of the convention or party, all the better.
  

• Unplug.
  Getting offline for the weekend by turning off your cell phones, Internet and social media can help as a transition tool for getting into headspace. It can also help prevent yo-yoing each day from the event to the default world and back again. This might not be an option for those with children or jobs that need to contact us, but is a useful tool for many who can step away from the constant stream of virtual input.
  

If you do find yourself exhausted at the event, be honest with yourself and others about your capacity. This is especially pivotal before trying a new scene for the first time or before engaging with someone new. Pushing yourself past your limits is not only a recipe for health challenges, but mental challenges as well. Resentment, anger, blame, depression and more can breed in an environment of low energy combined with a perceived pressure to perform. By letting yourself and others know that you’re just not feeling it, you have an opportunity to address the issues with grace rather than trying to tough through the realities of the situation.

Sharing my energy level and capacity with my friends and play partners gives them permission to do the same. I’ve had moments where I turned to my top and said “You know, I’m just too fucking tired for this” . . . and had them heave a sigh of relief and say “I’m so glad you said something. I’m bloody exhausted too, but I didn’t want to let you down.” While the epic rope suspension scene didn’t happen, a yummy evening of cuddling and conversation did happen, and that brought our relationship to a new level of intimacy.

It is also important to schedule downtime with yourself and/ or a partner. Time away from the often frenetic energy of the convention — to read a book before bed, go for a walk, go offsite for a meal, etc. — can facilitate post-event reintegration, as we will not have been “on” for so many days straight. Downtime can include a daily debrief with yourself (through journaling or self-reflection) or quiet time with a partner, so that there is a regular stream of communication in all directions.

When it comes to the large hotel-based event, you’re probably going to be staying, where? In a hotel. Your room is your castle, your cave, your Fortress of Solitude. It is important to consider the space you will be in.

I travel with a sarong that was gifted to me by friends. It has a lovely depiction of the Hindu god Ganesha on it. I’ll hang it up in my hotel room, light a small candle, use the coffee maker to brew up a cup of my favorite tea and within a few minutes, I have my own meditation space.

• Can you stay in the “host hotel”?
  Yes, there are often adjacent spaces for lodging in the vicinty, but consider the commute. Staying offsite can mean having to leave the party sooner, waking up earlier for classes, having to drive when feeling loopy from playing, or waiting for hotel shuttles. The exception is if you are someone who decompresses while driving or traveling between sites — in which case, get driving!
  

• How can you make your space comfortable?
  Bring your own music, a few knick-knacks, perhaps your favorite tea from home. These small details will make the generic hotel room feel like your haven from the madness.
  

• Do you want an extra bed?
  Usually you’ll have the option of two queen beds or one king-sized bed. If you don’t want to fight over who gets to sleep on the wet spot, or you like having one bed to sleep in and another for spreading out your clothes and sorting out your loot, consider the two-bed approach. If you enjoy sprawling across that vast Cal King, or you might have a few friends over for late-night fun, the larger bed is a great option.
  

• Think smart about roommates.
  To save money, many folks acquire roommates for events. Consider whether the money is worth the potential stress. Rooming with friends is one thing (though your best friend may not be your best roommate); rooming with strangers can be a gamble. Don’t be afraid to interview that potential roomie! Ask what their sleep hours are, if they snore, what their level of tidiness is. . . and be honest and forthcoming with them about your own answers to these questions. And check references. It might be a good idea to meet them in advance for coffee before you spend the weekend with them, if possible. If you’re coming from different cities, make time to chat them up before you wind up shacking up.
  

• What is the room “for?”
  Is the room for sleeping only, or is it an open drop-in space? Is there time for having sex, primal scream therapy, wank breaks, changing, or spending hours watching television at the end of a day? Can each person request alone time in the room, or is it always communal? This is important to know in advance, in case your body tells you that you need downtime and you find out your roommate has booked a hot gangbang for the same time.
  

• Sleeping in your space.
  For some, bringing their own pillow is vital for great sleep. For others, it is about listening to your circadian rhythms and going to the party early, sleeping early, and waking early — even if the other perverts are night owls. If you sleep best with your teddy bear, that’s okay, Teddy is welcome to come along too.
  

If you are having an intense emotional crisis and going to your hotel room or taking a few deep breaths isn’t cutting it, consider asking to speak with the medical staff for an event, or the producers: find out if there are any crisis counselors on site. For larger events, there might be a handful of folks on-call who have volunteered to help with an understanding ear. The sorts of predicaments that lead people to seek crisis intervention range from viewing things you have no idea how to process that have taken you into a tail-spin, violent relationship encounters, emotional injuries from difficult scenes, extreme depression, and more — each person, each situation, is unique. Don’t be afraid to obtain professional medical help if it is warranted: taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do at any event.

Reframing “Negative” Experiences

From time to time, events just aren’t fun, scenes derail, and we get frustrated by the world around us. Perhaps we have run into a former partner, had a difficult epiphany, or have been involved in an accident. The following ideas are tools that your authors have found useful for transforming our attitudes when facing difficult emotional situations.

• Take a time out.
  Often at events, we just need some alone or off-campus. Think of a convention as a university. If we spend all day and night on campus, we can get burned out, sick of the same faces and same food, and frustrated with even the most diverse curriculum. So it is with conferences. Taking a break to re-set can help. Go see other parts of the city you are visiting. Go for a swim, if the hotel has a pool. Take a long shower. Curl up in a local park with a good book. Go out somewhere for dinner. Treat yourself to a massage or other body care. Have a nice dessert.
  

  Sometimes, the immersion in BDSM itself can overwhelm. Another possibility is to take a mental break from the kink. Schedule a social date with friends. Strike up a conversation about gardening. Taking a breather or reconnecting with the default world can help you ground, so you can return to the convention refreshed and with renewed energy.
  

• Use your network.
  Whether you came to an event with a friend, partner or loved one, picked up a con buddy, or came on your own, you have a support network. If you came with a friend, consider finding some time and privacy to talk with them about what is up. Or perhaps you need time alone to get your head together; sometimes taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of your relationship at an event. If you’re flying solo, pick up a phone, send a text message, find someone with whom you can connect. If your network is not on-site, you can still use them: mention in advance to a best friend or your online social network that you are off to have a big weekend. If you warn them in advance, they’ll be less likely to be confused at why you are having a hard time in a fun place. Remember, kink events can be quite the emotional roller coaster ride, and if your network knows that, they can give better support.
  

• Do something.
  Volunteering is another great way to shake the blues. By helping others, we often help ourselves. Simply
  doing
  something can re-direct difficult feelings; taking action can help pull us out of a potential spiral, and shake us back into the here and now.
  

• Avoid dramatic language.
  Sometimes we can get caught up in the passion of our experiences. We end up saying things like “this event is a total failure,” “everyone here is so cold and unfriendly,” “I am such an idiot for coming.” All these are forms of dramatic language. Consider instead “I was hoping to have a more engaging event” or “that encounter left me feeling frustrated.” Framing our language in a more positive manner can be an important way to help us avoid diving into dark emotions
  

• Process.
  Give yourself time to treat yourself with compassion. Sometimes we react to people, places or things very strongly because they’ve elicited a deep emotional reaction. Sitting and processing — feeling our emotions without judgment — can help get us back on track. Taking time in a quiet space, taking a brisk walk, or kvetching with a friend over dinner can all work to help cough up those emotional hairballs. Consider what works best for you, and what will leave you feeling empowered and stable.
  

  Journaling, keeping a written record or blogging about your emotional process can be a therapeutic tool for individuals who are having a rough time. This is not be to confused with pouring out toxic feelings — or, worse yet, publicly name-dropping the people we’re upset with — to the world at large. Consider maintaining a personal, private journal for working through raw emotions.
  

  Processing may also take the form of seeing a counseor, therapist, coach or spiritual advisor after the fact. Flotsam and jetsam within our subconscious can rise to consciousness during our explorations in BDSM and the kink community: from childhood programming to assumptions about who we are as people, all sorts of ideas may be challenged. It doesn’t even have to be a “big” scene or event to have this happen. Finding a kink-friendly person with whom you can process can be a useful tool for many.
  

• Use your safeword.
  Sometimes, you just hit a wall. By bowing out of a few elements of the event, you leave breaks in the business so that the hidden treasures of kink events can shine through. That fleeting and beautiful conversation, the chance to watch an amazingly connected and moving scene — these won’t happen if you just “give up” on an event. The art of letting go of expectations that everything will be perfect can help avoid emotional crashes.
  

  Got the urge to stay in your room for the rest of weekend watching television and ordering room service . . . with a play partner or on your own? It’s okay. You can also call “yellow” on the event by becoming a wallflower, cutting down your level of involvement, or skipping a party one night. Check your emotional barometer. Is this event good for you? If not, consider opting out.
  

  If you are thinking about leaving an event, carefully weigh the pros and cons. Make sure that you will be leaving in a rational state of mind rather than storming off into the night without telling anyone where you are going. Because yes, sometimes you will feel lonely, angry, or tired of it all. Even in a crowd full of beautiful people doing beautiful things, it can happen. At the end of the day, your primary need is to take care of your own needs.