Please Forgive Me (40 page)

‘Hey slow down,’ Alex soothed, mopping his damp brow.

‘I guess I figured they were … bullying him. I went over and tried to break it up, told them I’d call security if they didn’t.’

‘There was no security around?’

‘Not that I could see. Believe me, if there was, I wouldn’t … be in this situation now, would I?’

Alex nodded. Point taken.

‘I stepped over the barrier to try and help the kid off the ledge, but a couple of the bigger guys turned on me and told me to … mind my own business. There was a bit of a scuffle and I guess I must have lost my footing …” He shook his head. ‘Before I knew it, I’d gone off the ledge and … into the water.’

‘For Christ sake, Seth!’ Alex was so horrified she couldn’t contain herself. ‘Why would you go and get involved in something like that? It wasn’t exactly one of your crazy bungee jumps was it?’

Still, she couldn’t help but feel impressed and oddly proud that he had intervened. But now comprehending the magnitude of it all, and how weak and helpless he was as a result, all of a sudden she started blubbering.

‘Hey, it’s … OK,’ Seth whispered, reaching for her hand again. ‘Someone must have seen it all because the rescue choppers were there within minutes. They got me out, although I don’t know how the … kid fared afterwards. Do you …think you could find out?’

‘For God’s sake, I don’t give a damn how the stupid kid is!’ Alex exclaimed. ‘You could have
died
!’

Seth looked away. ‘I know, and if I’d given half a thought to what might happen, I would have minded my … own business and just kept going,’ he said solemnly. ‘Hitting that surface…it was like every bone in my body started to vibrate all at once.’ He bit down hard on his lip, as if just thinking about it unleashed a fresh wave of pain.

‘Oh God Seth…’ Alex couldn’t stand it. ‘What the hell possessed you to butt in like that?’

When he didn’t immediately reply, she stood up and adjusted the blinds, just for something to do.

Recollecting himself, Seth sighed. ‘Oh I don’t … know. I guess that thing you said about Doctor Love always … saving people got to me somehow.’

She whirled around, incredulous. ‘
What?
’

‘Gotcha,’ he chuckled (with considerably difficulty) through his bandages. ‘Hell, I don’t know Alex … I just saw the poor little guy looking … scared so I stood up for him. I didn’t really … think about the consequences.’

And what were the consequences? she wondered now, as Seth lay flat on his back, his body battered and broken. He might be trying to talk a good game, but it was easy for Alex to see past the bravado. He was in serious pain and very, very scared.

Again there was a heavy silence in the room, until eventually Seth spoke again.

‘I know what you’re …thinking, and you’re right,’ he said solemnly, and Alex reached for his hand and squeezed it, preparing to console him. But instead his face broke into a shit-eating grin. ‘I guess I
am
one hard …son of a bitch to get rid of.’

Despite his bluster Seth wasn’t out of the woods just yet. He would have to remain under close observation in the ICU over the next few weeks, and while the damage to his spine didn’t appear as grievous as the doctors first suspected, they still needed to keep an eye on his internal injuries. He would be confined to a wheelchair for a while and needed extensive physiotherapy, so it would be a long time before he was back on his feet. In the meantime, his parents had arrived and although they were as warm as ever, and seemed thrilled to see her, Alex still felt somewhat uncomfortable around them, given the circumstances with the divorce and all.
 

This was the information she gave Leonie when later that day she called to update her on the situation (and the not-so-insignificant fact that Seth hadn’t been trying to top himself).

‘That’s fantastic news!’ Leonie said, relieved. ‘I’m thrilled he’ll be OK.’

‘Well, we don’t know for sure yet, but at least he didn’t …’ Alex still couldn’t even say the words.

‘I know, and see? I told you he wasn’t like that.’

‘I can’t believe he almost died trying to stand up for some stupid kid,’ she continued, still shell-shocked not only by Seth’s actions, but perhaps also Leonie deduced, by the thought of losing him? Despite her friend’s relentless protests to the contrary, Leonie suspected that Alex still had some feelings for Seth. Her reaction to his accident, and her subsequent vigil at his bedside had proved that. OK, so he may have misbehaved in the past, but any fool could see he was still head over heels in love with his wife. Who knew what the future might hold for them now?

She’d intended on going down to see him at the hospital later, but according to Alex, visits were for the moment, strictly limited to family only. ‘Which just means me and his folks, I guess.’

‘Hmm, lucky they’re still married then, isn’t it?’ Marcy said archly, when Leonie told her this.

She smiled at the irony. ‘I know, I thought the very same thing. But I still wouldn’t go pointing that out to Alex if I were you!’

For her part, she was glad that she’d taken Alex into her confidence and told her the circumstances surrounding her and Adam’s break up and her reasons for leaving Ireland.

‘I’m beginning to understand why you were so obsessed with those letters,’ Alex said shrewdly when Leonie had finished recounting her sorry tale. ‘And why you identified so much with Nathan’s pleas for forgiveness. But correct me if I’m wrong, in this situation I don’t think Adam alone can grant you that,’ she continued, echoing what Grace had said before, ‘You need to be able to forgive yourself first.’

‘How can I? I ruined Adam’s life by uncovering the truth about Suzanne,’ Leonie argued. ‘He loved that girl with all his heart. As far as he was concerned she was his daughter and he never had any reason to think otherwise.’

‘Yes but you weren’t the one who pulled the wool over his eyes, were you?’

That might have been so, but at the end of the day, Leonie knew it was her meddling that brought the truth to light and while she doubted that Adam (much less herself) would ever be able to forgive that, she hoped that someday, he might at least be able to understand.

If anything Nathan’s letters had taught her that this was as much – if not more important.

And although she loved San Francisco and her new life here, she couldn’t get away from the fact that she loved Adam a hundred times more and still missed him desperately. So many times she wanted to pick up the phone and tell him again how sorry she was, but she just couldn’t summon the courage do so.

‘Well I think you should just bite the bullet and talk to him,’ Alex said when Leonie tried to explain this ‘OK, so he was mad at the time, but what about afterwards when things calmed down?’

‘There’s no point.’ Leonie reiterated. ‘How could he ever respect or trust me again after what I did? I effectively took his daughter away from him; there is no coming back from that.’

‘But shouldn’t he be the judge of that? From what you told me, he sounds like a pretty decent guy. And I’m sure if you two just talked things over
-
’

‘It doesn’t matter now,’ Leonie said, thinking Alex sounded exactly like Grace.

But they hadn’t seen the expression on Adam’s face that day.

Forgiveness just wasn’t an option, not in this case. Anyway, that really wasn’t the point. She didn’t want forgiveness. All Leonie ever wanted was for Adam to know that she’d never meant to hurt him, and if she managed that, it would be enough.
  

***

It was two weeks since Seth’s accident and Alex still wasn’t sure how to feel.

She didn’t think she’d ever been so scared as when that cop appeared on her doorstep and she’d known instinctively it was about Seth.

Granted, she didn’t think she’d ever come across anyone so frustrating and downright infuriating, but in that split second she got a glimpse of how it would feel if she lost him forever. And Alex was frightened of how that had felt, and of the way she felt when she came in to the hospital every day and saw him lying in the bed, alone, injured and still very scared about what was to come.

Satisfied that he was over the worst, his folks had since returned to Texas.

‘I know I couldn’t be leaving him in better hands,’ Sally Rogers had said, giving Alex a gentle hug. ‘Whatever’s going on between you two is none of my business, but whatever happens just remember you’ll always be like a daughter to me.’

‘Be sure to come down and visit us again on the ranch sometime,’ Bud added, and Alex was deeply touched by their graciousness towards her.

She also had to admire the gracious way their son was dealing with his own situation, not to mention his bravery in landing himself in it in the first place.

But she’d spent so much time with Seth since the accident that Jon had recently taken her to task about it.

‘What’s really going on here, Alex?’ he’d asked, after she’d postponed yet another night out with him in favour of visiting the hospital.

‘It’s hard to explain, but I guess I kind of feel responsible for him,’ she told him. ‘His folks couldn’t stay on here indefinitely, and he doesn’t really have anybody else…’

‘Why on earth do you feel responsible?’ Jon was unimpressed. ‘Alex, the guy cheated on you, and left you high and dry
-
’

‘I know.’ Alex really didn’t need reminding. She and Seth were over, she knew that, but she couldn’t turn her back on him just yet, especially when he was still in such a fragile state.

But she also knew she didn’t need this kind of pressure from Jon, not now, when her thoughts and emotions were pretty much all over the place. ‘Look, I get what you’re saying, and you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t feel obligated, but I do and I can’t help it.’

‘Well, I’m sorry but I think you should know I’m not happy about it. Not happy at all.’

‘I know.’ Alex sighed and took his hand. ‘Look, Jon, maybe it might be better if the two of us took a breather from one other for a while.’

He looked at her. ‘A breather?’

‘Yes, I know you’re upset with all the time I’m spending at the hospital and you’ve every right to be, but you have to understand why I’m doing it. He’s had a tough time of it lately and with the divorce coming through soon too … I just think maybe things will be easier once all that’s over with.’

Jon was silent for a while, and then he exhaled deeply. ‘I guess I should have seen this coming. OK, so maybe I can appreciate you needing some time. I just don’t know why you’re wasting it on that
-
’

‘Thank you Jon, I really appreciate that, and once the divorce comes through, I promise you all of this will be sorted out once and for all.’

That had been a few days ago and for everyone’s sake, Alex hoped this was true.

Now in the hospital, she turned to look at Seth.

‘I almost forgot to tell you, we finally found Nathan,’ she said, having spoken briefly to Helena that evening before heading to the hospital. The older woman had phoned to let the girls know that she’d been in contact with the Reed family who’d told her Nathan was now based in San Jose, and she was making arrangements to pay him a visit as soon as it could be arranged.

Upon reading the letters, Helena had been overjoyed and heartbroken in equal measures. Understandably, she’d also been taken aback by the dept of Nathan’s sincerity.

‘I had absolutely no idea he felt this way,’ she confided to Alex. ‘I’d always assumed he just forgot all about me, and got on with the rest of life. It’s terrible to think that it all got to him so much. And with all those terrible things he was going through….’

Thinking now about the older couple’s impending reunion, Alex found herself oddly envious of Nathan and Helena. Would she ever find someone whose love for her dominated his thoughts for almost half a century? Hardly likely, she thought with a wan smile, when she couldn’t even dominate her own husband’s thoughts for half a year!

‘That’s great. I’m sure Leonie’s pleased,’ her ex replied, his voice still dry and raspy.

‘Oh she certainly is.’ Upon hearing Helena’s update, Leonie had predictably been over the moon at the prospect of their reunion.

‘It’s kind of awe-inspiring though, isn’t it?’ Seth said. ‘To think that after all these years his love letters will finally be answered …’

‘Yeah well, who knows how it’ll go – give them a few days in each other’s company and maybe they’ll end up killing each other,’ Alex countered, unable to help herself.

Seth looked at her. ‘Was what I did so bad that it made you that cynical?’ he asked, his voice tinged with sadness, and Alex could have guessed that the conversation would inevitably come round to this.

‘Seth, let’s not do this now, OK?’ she said, wishing he’d go back to making stupid jokes about his situation. But no such luck.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, almost out of the blue. ‘About back then, I mean.’

‘I know what you meant,’ she replied in a quiet voice.

‘I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t come home that night because you were so angry with me, yet it was the wrong thing to do because no matter I how much I tried to convince you I hadn’t done anything wrong, you just wouldn’t believe me.’

‘Seth,’ Alex began tiredly. ‘Why can’t you just admit once and for all that you cheated on me? Why keep insisting otherwise?’

‘Because I’d be lying.’

He stared right at her then and with a start, Alex wondered if he might actually be sincere. They’d talked a lot in this room over the last while,
really
talked and once Seth gradually dropped the cocky bravado act, she began to remember exactly why she’d fallen in love with him back them. Now, her heart began to hammer against her chest.

‘What?’ she whispered.

‘I never cheated on you Alex. I swear on my life, my family, the Mustang, everything I hold dear that nothing happened with that girl. Sure, we were fooling around when you walked in to the bar but it was just stupid flirting and nothing was ever going to come of it. Look,’ he continued solemnly. ‘At the time, you and I were only just married and I guess I didn’t properly understand what that meant, I was just being my usual dumb, immature
-
’