Poison Me Sweetly (27 page)

By the time Monday night arrives, I have distanced
myself from what happened over the weekend. I'm back to tactfully avoiding Caleb,
because I just need some time to think. When
he
text
messages me, I claim to be busy. I know he's waiting on my answer, and I've
been putting off giving it to him.

I haven't made any sort of decision, and I know I'm
going to have to soon. Caleb said so himself. I'm just unsure of what to do.
I'd relied on him over the weekend, and at the time it'd been nice, but now
that fact frightens me. I'm already starting to get used to him being in my
life. I know it could easily become permanent, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to
go there with him. Nothing in my life has been resolved, and I still have
abandonment issues. I'm afraid to open myself up to him only to be hurt in the
end.

Then there's the disorder hanging over my head.
Micah's anniversary is past, and I just barely lived through it by the skin of
my teeth. I'd be dead if it weren't for Caleb insisting on checking up on me. I
had told myself that I would go see a doctor once his anniversary was past.
That should have been the first thing I did today.

But yet I hadn't.

Because I'm scared.

“Hey, you look like you've got some heavy stuff on
your mind,” Lonnie comments as she brushes past me while I fill two cups with
soda during my shift at Grendel's.

I shrug. “A lot has changed lately,” I confess.

She walks over and pauses near me. “That why you
haven't gone out with me in a while?”

“I just have a lot on my mind.”

“So take a night off and have some fun. There's a
party tonight. You game?” she asks with a grin as she bumps my hip with hers.

I'm tempted. Not that I want to get trashed or
anything, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been weirdly
mellow, and that's abnormal for me.  And after this weekend, I feel more
confused than ever. I'm not sure what I want anymore, and I'm finding that I'm
not even sure who the real Zoey
Monohan
is these
days.

“You know you want to,” Lonnie taunts in my ear as she
fills a plastic glass to the rim with soda.

“Okay, just for a little while,” I say as I cave. What
could it hurt?

When my shift is over with, I eat a snack in the back
room while I wait for Lonnie. She said I could just come back to her place and
borrow something of hers to wear, and then we'd head out with her friends.
Under normal circumstances, I'd be excited to be going out, but instead I find
myself feeling almost guilty. Which is ridiculous. I don't have to check in
with Caleb to go out. But I know he wouldn't approve, and for some reason, I
care about what he thinks.

Which ticks me off and begins to wake up my dormant
temper. Since when do I start worrying over what a guy is going to think of my
actions? I've always been independent. I've always had a 'devil may care'
attitude. I'm not even
in
a relationship with Caleb, and I'm already
letting him control me. What the hell?

These thoughts are what push me to go out with Lonnie
and her friends. I laugh and struggle to have a good time as we arrive at the
party. It's packed, and everywhere I turn people are enjoying themselves.
Parties used to be my thing, and when I realize my heart's not really into it,
I knock back a couple of shots to try to get into the spirit. Lonnie eventually
ditches me for a cute guy, and I find myself dancing with numerous guys at the
party. Some of them are really cute, but they're not doing it for me. The one
I'm dancing with right now, he's gorgeous. His hands are on my hips and he's
grinding against me. The look in his eyes tells me he wants to take me home
with him.

I feel absolutely nothing for him.

A few months ago, I would have been all over him. We
would have gone back to his place, and I would have let him fuck me whichever
way he wanted. Now I just feel empty, and I'm not sure why. When he leans down
and kisses me, I allow him to, because I want to see if he can trigger
something within me. My lips part, and I let his tongue stroke mine. He kisses
me deeply, but I feel fucking
guilty
. He triggered something alright.

Guilt.

I feel like the only person I should be kissing is
Caleb. My mouth tears away from his, and I shoot him an apologetic look before turning
around to walk away.

I freeze when my eyes land on Caleb. He stands on the
other side of the room, hands in his pockets, face full of disappointment as he
surveys me from head to toe. The look in his eyes causes an iron fist to clench
around my heart. With leaden steps, I tentatively walk over to him. Without a
word, he puts his hand on my lower back and leads me out of the party and
outside.

When we reach the front lawn, he turns on me, and his
eyes search mine. “What are you doing?” he asks softly.

“What are you doing here?” I blurt out instead of
answering his question.

“Charlie mentioned he'd seen you here when I ran into
him at Ace's. I wanted to check up on you, make sure you were okay.” His lips
twist. “I see you're doing fine.”

I chew my bottom lip. “It's not what it looks like.”

His eyebrow quirks. “No? You almost choked to death on
your vomit on Friday, and here you stand a couple days later, partying as if
none of it ever happened.” He leans forward slightly and inhales deeply near my
face. “You smell like whiskey,” he says flatly.

“I'm being careful,” I say defensively. “It was only
two shots. I only took them to relax.”

He looks at me sadly. “No, Zoey. You're still
self-destructing. I thought...” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair with
frustration. “I can't do this anymore,” he breathes out, as if coming to a
decision.

“What do you mean?”

“This!” he bites out, waving a hand up and down at my
outfit. “I thought we were getting to know each other, that we might actually be
doing something right. Instead, here you stand in that damn silver shirt and
'fuck-
me
' skirt, letting some stranger put his tongue
down your throat. You're drinking after I washed vomit off your skin a few
short days ago. I spent the weekend trying to
help
you. I can't give you
anymore of myself when you won't give me anything of yourself in return.” He
pulls out his cell phone and walks away from me.

I'm left standing there, mouth agape as I watch him
speak into his phone. This is it. I pushed him away one too many times, and now
he's done with me. I feel numb with this realization.

Caleb walks back a second later, and he stands before
me, his expression oddly devoid of emotion. “There's a cab on its way. You can
choose to party yourself into oblivion, or you can go home, sober up, and
figure out where you're headed. Are you going to live or throw your life away?”

“I...” Words fail me. There's this unbridgeable chasm
between us, and I feel like I'm floundering here, unable to grasp the entirety
of the situation unfolding before me.

“You're fucking scared. We all are at one point or
another. You need to figure out if you're going to face that fear or if you're
going to allow it to keep controlling you. Only you can make that decision.”

“Caleb...”

He shakes his head. “Good night, Zoey,” he says curtly
before he turns and walks away.

I stand on the front lawn by myself, staring after him
as he walks down the sidewalk. I watch as he climbs into his car down the
block, and then he’s gone.

This is it.

Caleb is walking away from me for good.

It would be easier if I turned away and went back into
the party. To go back to the numbness of alcohol. To ignore the feelings that
he's unleashed deep within me. God, I feel like such a colossal failure.

There's a restriction in my throat, and it's hard to
swallow past it as I try to make sense of my thoughts. The only thing that
keeps echoing in my head, is the fact that my corrupting tendencies have
finally pushed away the only good thing to happen to me in years. With that revelation
comes fear. Fear that I've messed up too greatly to ever make things right.

My breath catches with that thought.

There it is.

I
want
to make things right with Caleb. I can't
let it end this way. I'd rather try than allow him to walk away from me,
leaving me to wonder if we could have worked out all our issue. What if...he's
the one I've unknowingly been waiting for? I know he's the light to my
darkness. I knew that from the start, back when he was able to bring me out of
my nightmares with just his voice alone. What if he's the key to my healing
process? With him beside me, I feel like I can overcome anything. He's the one
who has me believing that I can face this disorder. That I can
do
something about it. I've just been too frightened to admit it.

I'm not sure how long I've been standing there, but
when a cab pulls up to the curb, I realize with sudden clarity what I need to
do. I walk to the cab and climb in. I give him the apartment complex address,
and instead of going up to the second floor, I go up to the fourth.

Will he be home? Will he give me a second chance? And
maybe a third, fourth, and fifth chance when needed? Because let’s face it, I
screw things up on a daily basis. I stand outside his door for what feels like
an eternity before I work up the nerve to lightly knock. I fidget as I wait.

The door opens, and Caleb stands there, surprise
written clear across his face as he stares at me. “Zoey?”

“I'm not running anymore,” I say nervously. “I want
you in my life.”

His eyes search mine. “As a friend?” he asks quietly.

I shake my head.

“More?” he asks deliberately.

I nod.

“Say it,” he orders.

My brows furrow. “Do I have to?”

His eyes are full of unbendable steel. “It's time for
you to be the one to put yourself out there. I'm not doing it for you.”

“Okay, I want to try,” I say in a quick rush. “But we
really need to talk, because I don't think you realize what you're getting
yourself into.”

He suddenly breaks into a smirk. “Oh, I know. Trust
me, I've gone over it in my head plenty of times, and all the answers keep
leading me right back to you.” He holds out a hand to me and waits for me to
accept it.

My eyes meet his, and I slowly place my hand in his,
allowing him to lead me into his apartment. He shuts the door firmly before
drawing me into his arms and hugging me tightly to him. I slip my arms around
his shoulders and bury my face in his neck as I inhale his scent. All my fear
and anxiety fades as I relax against him.

He gently eases me away and tugs me over to the couch.
“Let's do this talking that you mentioned.” I nod, and we sit down next to each
other. He turns to face me, his eyes serious. “Lay it all out there for me. All
your doubts, the fear, everything you're feeling. I want to hear it.”

I try to pull my thoughts together. My thought process
is usually random and scattered. I don't want to confuse him, and I want to try
to explain myself clearly, so I take my time thinking over how to start this
conversation. I look at him, and I feel oddly uncertain. “Are you sure? That
I'm what you want? Because Cara really hurt you, and I am going to be honest
here, I'm probably not the best person to put your faith in when it comes to a
relationship. I've only been in one, and I was a teenager at the time. Caleb,
I'm going to screw up,” I say bluntly.

“So am I,” he says simply. “Relationships are rarely
perfect, Zoey. We'll figure it out as we go along. But I will tell you this, I
don't share,” he warns. “If we're going to do this, it's just you and me. No
one else. I won't walk away from you, I will always work with you on our
issues, but if you cheat on me, I'm done. I don't care if it's two weeks from
now or three years down the road, I won't share, and I will walk away if you do
that to me.”

Yep, my eyes mimic saucers as they widen. Three years
down the road? He's that serious about me?

“What did I say to put that expression on your face?”

“You said three years.”

“And?” He looks genuinely puzzled.

“I just...you could see this thing with me as long
term?” I ask curiously.

“You wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't.”

Oh.
I guess
that answers my question as to how serious he is about me. The fact that he's
thinking long term has me relaxing slightly.

Caleb reaches out and rubs his thumb gently across my
bottom lip, his blue eyes watching mine intently. “What else is going on behind
those eyes?”

“I have a lot of issues. I can't help the way I feel
sometimes. The doubt. The fear. This thing between us kind of scares me,” I say
honestly.

“It scares me, too.”

“It does?”

“Yeah. I thought I loved Cara, but the thing is, I
already feel so much more for you than I ever felt for her. You're so worried
I'm going to hurt you, but you have the same power over me as well. We both
could end up hurt, but this isn't something I can walk away from.”