Pole Position (29 page)

We lurched down the track in the dark. Anita was shivering so violently, she could barely hold the steering wheel. I’d no idea where we were going. I was terrified she’d do something stupid if I left her alone. Coming from someone who’d spent the last two days being incredibly stupid, I worried what she may be capable of. She rammed the heater onto maximum, and perspiration broke out across my forehead, but her teeth still chattered.

She turned left onto the main road, headed through Trearddur and toward Valley. I couldn’t tell if she had a destination in mind or was just running on autopilot. Either way, the roads were deserted at that time of night. When we arrived at the crossroads near to Valley, she paused before deciding where to go. We took off left, heading up the winding country road that led along the top edge of the island. She drove slowly, it looked as though she was getting herself under control again, and she eventually turned down the heater. Every now and then, she wiped at her face. I couldn’t tell if she was wiping tears away or brushing her hair back. I scanned the road ahead, alert for any obstacles she may not notice.

I’d done the same as this, many times. When I first found out about Susie’s affairs, I went through a long process of doubting myself, and wanting to believe her. I’d take off and drive for hours, the movement of the car lulling me into a state of calm. I hoped it’d have the same effect on Anita. I’d never seen her angry before, she’d been startling—
arresting
—and absolutely powerful.

I knew I hadn’t treated her fairly. I’d been making decisions for her, and not allowing her to participate as an equal.

That was so visible with Jordan and Kate. You got the clear sense they were equals in the relationship, each offering strengths to compensate the other. I’d love to have that easy, confident relationship with my partner, and like them, to be so aware of each other’s needs. It crippled me to know I’d never get to have that with Anita. And it was only now that I realized she was everything I wanted, when she no longer wanted me. Hindsight was a bitch.

I dragged my attention back when Anita turned off the main road and bumped down a narrow, winding lane. In the darkness, with only the headlamps to light the way in front, I’d no idea where we were, or what lay on either side of the road. It looked like hedges, but for all I knew we might be driving along a cliff edge. I sat very still and tried to stay calm.

Another irony. Last night, or whenever it was—time had blurred from one day to the next for me—I wanted to die. But now I didn’t. Anita threw the car round a tight bend. It must have taken her by surprise for she took a sharp intake of breath as she hauled on the wheel. The wheels dipped and bounced as we scored through a low ditch and back onto the road, and I heard a scraping noise at the side.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself.

I wondered if she’d forgotten I sat there.

A couple of bends later and I saw the sea in front of us, silvery in the night where the headlamps flashed over it. I scanned the area. The bay swept around us in a huge arc, with a handful of houses and a cafe hugging the coastline. She pulled onto a ramp, and nosed the car into a parking space. We were the only vehicle there, the only people awake by the look of it. Sighing, she switched off the lights, turned off the engine, and we sat in total silence. She stared out of the window, her fingers rigid on the wheel.

I waited. Was this somewhere significant? Time passed. She yawned and slumped, leaning back in her seat, but still staring blindly out of the window.

I spoke softly. I wanted to get some dialogue going, get her to break out of this catatonic state. “Where are we?”

Her gaze slid to me, she looked as though she were in a trance. “Red Wharf Bay.”

Okay, that was a start. I tried to remember Red Wharf Bay from a map I looked at days ago. “What happens at Red Wharf Bay? Why did you come here?”

I waited patiently.

“It faces east. This is the best place to watch the sunrise.” She spoke in a low voice. The sunrise? It was barely two in the morning, the sun wouldn’t be up for hours.

With the engine off, the car quickly became cold, and I saw her shiver again. “We’re going to be here a few hours if we’re waiting for the sunrise. Let me hold you, sweetheart. I won’t do anything else, I promise.”

I waited, held my breath, and then sighed in relief as she fumbled with her seat belt and freed herself. I did the same, and we shifted toward each other until I could take her in my arms. She felt perfect, snuggled up to me. “Don’t leave me.”

She made an annoyed sound in her throat. “You don’t need me, Jon. You like me as a distraction, but you don’t
need
me. Once you get back to your racing, you’ll be fine.”

I tried a different tack. “What happened in my crash is very rare. It’s a really safe sport these days. Probably even safer than horse riding. You’d fallen off Sam when we met.”

She sat up and stared at me with wild eyes. “When horses collide, they don’t burst into flames.” She took a breath. “I see that image whenever I go to sleep. You’re not the only one to have nightmares.”

“Do you want me to give it up? Find something else to do?”

“I won’t ask you to do that. Like I said, you’d resent me forever.”

She was right.

I held her, felt her heart thumping and her breath against my skin. There had to be a way forward, but how?

We sat in a stiff and uncomfortable silence for hours. The first glimmer of dawn came as a distant lightening of the horizon, and then an orange bloom started to creep out, sending tendrils of light across the sky. I watched in awed silence.

She muttered something, but I didn’t catch it. I questioned her with my eyes.

“There’s a Kings of Leon song, a lyric about getting lost in the night. I can’t remember the line. It just seems appropriate.”

I recognized the words. “Yeah I know it,
Revelry
. It’s a sad song.”

“Do you have it? On your iPod?”

I shrugged. I knew I did, and I knew the lyrics were too appropriate. All about love and loss. Anita seemed to be softening, and I hugged her closer, relishing the feel of her body against mine. The sun had come fully up now, the entire sky awash with light, the sea blue and inviting. The tide washed halfway up the sand. It sparkled enticingly, and I knew what I had to do.

“Come on.” I separated from her, stretched my cramped muscles, and dropped a brief kiss on her lips. She eyed me, not understanding. “We’re going for a walk. Come on.”

Anita blinked, shrugged, and stretched, then followed my lead. We were the only people on the sand, the only people visible for miles. And it was cold in the early morning light. Our jackets would be inadequate in the chilly autumn air. I grabbed her hand and ran with her, tugging her behind me onto the sand. She skittered along in my wake, but I didn’t look at her. We ran over the soft, powdery-dry sand at the top of the beach and onto the firm, damp sand closer to the water, and I stopped abruptly, Anita cannoning into me.

“Oops.”
She sounded amused. My heart lifted.

I spun on my toes, grabbed her by the waist and held her close. “We’re going to start again.” I spoke with my most confident voice. Inside I was actually a petrified mass, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

Anita looked at me blankly, but this time, didn’t pull away.

“You and me, we’re going to have a new beginning. Here, on this piece of sand. This can be where we meet for the first time.”

“Here?” Doubt clouded her eyes.

“Right here. I’ll be out for a walk, and you bump into me. You don’t see me because of the wind.”

“Then what?” Her voice was just a whisper.

“Then we’ll start talking, and…” I was at a loss for words. I looked around and saw the cafe on the front was just about to open. “And, I’ll ask you if you’d like a coffee.”

Her eyes followed mine, to the cafe. “I say yes?”

“
Yes.
You say yes.”

I grabbed her hand again, wound my fingers around hers and we trekked across the beach. She giggled. I glanced back and risked a smile. She looked amused. This was a million times better.

The cafe hadn’t opened yet, and we peered through the doorway like a couple of children looking into a sweetshop. The owner spotted us and came right across, ushering us inside and away from the cold wind.

Bright-red spots colored Anita’s cheeks, and her hair tangled across her face. Her eyes followed me everywhere. We settled at a table by the window, I slid onto the bench next to her, and picked up a menu.

“So this is the part where I ask you about yourself, and what you do, and if you have a boyfriend.”

She gave me a glimmer of a smile. “What kind of game are you playing, Jon? This is fun, but how will it change anything?”

I rolled my eyes in mock amusement. “We talk about each other, and you tell me you’re single, and I tell you I’m almost divorced. And we both love animals and the Foo Fighters. And we’re both lonely, and you fall in love with me.”

She stared at me for a long moment. “Do you fall in love with me too?”

“I fall in love with you too.”

The cafe owner came up and interrupted us. I scanned the menu. “Coffee and croissants?” I asked Anita, and she nodded.

When he’d gone, I carried on. “We figure out a way to have a relationship, since we’re both madly in love with each other. It’s just a matter of logistics.”

“Logistics?”

“That’s all. I have to go away for work every few weeks, but I always come home again. And in time, I won’t have to go away. I’ll find some kind of work to do nearer home.”

She looked frustrated when she spoke. “But it isn’t that easy, you know it isn’t. We’re tearing each other apart simply because it isn’t so easy.”

I leaned toward her, took her other hand so I held both of them. “But why isn’t it? I love you, and you love me, so what could be simpler?”

“I’m scared about you racing again.” Her whisper cut through me.

“I’m scared too, every time I start a race. But being scared makes me careful. I’m not going to be racing forever, it’s a young man’s game. I’ve only got a few years left to crack it. And then I’ll do something else.” I brushed her lips briefly with mine. “So can you be with me, by my side, while I do this? If you don’t want to watch the races I don’t mind—
really
—as long as I know you’re waiting at home for me.”

She looked away. I didn’t hurry her. When she looked back, her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “Jon, if it was that easy I’d say yes without a moment’s hesitation. The reality is you’re going away again next week and then again when you get back.”

I nodded. “Do you want to wait until I come back? Do you want time to think about it?”

She gazed deep into me before offering a hint of a smile. “When will you be back from the U.S., and then from Italy?”

“I have to be back for Donington Park in mid-October. Then I’m in Italy straight afterwards for up to a month. After that, I don’t know where I’ll be, or what I’ll be doing. That all depends on what happens at Faenza.” I took care to avoid any reference to racing. “Could you come with me? Houston is lovely this time of year.”

She shook her head. “No. I’ve already left Sam for two weeks. I’m not happy leaving him again so soon.” She thought about it and remained silent as we drank. She picked at the croissant, crumbling the flakes between her fingertips.

Finally, she looked up. “I’ll let you know when you come back from Italy. You can’t expect me to make decisions on anything until you know what you’re going to be doing.”

It wasn’t the answer I hoped for, but it was better than the alternative. “And until then?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do we continue to see each other until then? I want to.”

My eyes searched her face. She gave me a tired smile and yawned delicately. “Well, you won’t be here much, but yes, while we can.”

I leaned forward and kissed her properly, and felt her respond. I’d dodged the bullet for now at least. I had just two months to convince her to spend the rest of her life with me.

Maybe it was because I was so tired, that I let Jon under my skin again. My defenses were useless. Once he kissed me, I melted into his arms. All my resolve was for nothing, and we were back to the same place again. However, there was a finite time limit marked out for us. I’d give him my decision in two months’ time.

The feel of his lips on mine, and his arms tight around me, were a dream come true. I never wanted to let him go. I’d be happy to stay in this little café forever. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and pulled me back to the real world. I dragged it out to see who’d be texting me at this early hour.

“Bugger.” I looked up at Jon. “That was my mum. They’ve landed at Manchester Airport, and they’ll be home in a couple of hours. I haven’t fed the animals, or walked Maddie. We have to get back.”

Our interlude was over. Jon paid the bill, and we hurried outside to the jeep. Despite my urgency to get back, I was yawning and sleepy, so Jon took the keys.

“Are you sure?” I didn’t want to hassle him.

He just gave me a kiss. “Trust me.”

The first half-mile or so scared me as he battled with recurring spasms in his wrists again, but he was grimly determined to work through them. Despite the fact he was in obvious pain, we made it to the main road where he pulled over for a minute to rub his hands. I took them and kissed his fingers, then massaged the wrists, and off we went again. He drove slower than usual, but he eased into it, and we made it back to Bryn Dinas unscathed, with over an hour before my parents could possibly arrive.

Jon sagged over the wheel. It must have been an enormous effort, but his eyes shone, and his grin blazed triumphant. “I did it.”

I hugged him. “We have an hour before they’re back. I need you, Jon.”

****

We were intent, urgent, each desperate to feel the other. We shed our clothes rapidly, and fell on the bed together in a tangle of underwear and writhing limbs. It was fast, intense, and bone meltingly joyful. We lay together afterward, kissing so hard I thought my lips would dissolve under the pressure.

There was time for a quick shower, and we were ready to present a tidy and happy front to my travel-weary parents. I brewed coffee while Jon cooked them breakfast. He was actually competent in the kitchen, to my surprise, and we chatted about their holiday. I was exhausted, but managed to stay alert and interested. Thankfully, they were jetlagged and ready to fall into bed for a nap, so they may not have noticed our constant reassuring touches. Jon’s hand would brush against mine, I would stand next to him so our hips were touching, and we frequently stole kisses when we thought they weren’t watching.

We had the dilemma of when to leave. I was too tired to drive, but Jon was in fine spirits, and said he’d get us home. It felt as though the past few days had never happened. He’d returned to the confident man he’d been, the man I fell in love with.

We listened to music and chatted all the way home. At one point, Jon held my hand tight and said he had a difficult question for me. “I hate to mention his name, we seem to argue every time we do, but are you going to do something about Danny?”

I sighed. I’d been thinking the same for most of the afternoon. “I need to confront him, and find out what the hell he thinks he’s been doing.”

“Let me come with you. I don’t want you to face him on your own.”

“And I don’t want you fighting with him again. He’s not worth it.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. I thought back to my conversation with Colette. In order to salvage my relationship with Jon, I needed to move away from Danny’s influence. “I’m going to ask Clare if I can stay with her for a while, just until I know what I’m going to be doing.” It was a delicate way of reminding Jon I wasn’t making any decisions about us until the trials in Italy.

“And you’ll come back to my parents with me today?”

“Are you sure they won’t mind? I seem to have practically moved in.”

“Trust me, they won’t mind. And we’re leaving for Houston in a few days anyway.”

That gave me until Monday to find somewhere else to live in the short term. Moving out now appeared the most logical option. I refused to contemplate anything after the next two months.

I rang Clare to check on Sam and to tell her I’d be back at the stables on Saturday. I asked tentatively about Danny.

“He’s not here at the moment,” she told me. “He had a huge row with Colette when she moved out, and announced he was going on the piss. Apparently, he was invited to a stag weekend in Dublin. He won’t be back until Monday. Just as well it’s quiet at the stables at the moment, with you both away this weekend.”

I relayed the news to Jon. This gave us both some breathing space. It also meant I could go home to collect my riding things without bumping into Danny. It’d make my weekend much easier. I had yet to ask Clare about staying with her, but I wanted to ask her face-to-face, rather than over the phone.

It would be a long and complicated story.

Jon looked exhausted when we got back to his parents’. Neither of us had slept much over the past few days, and he also had the mental strain of driving such a long distance. I was so proud of him. He absolutely refused to let the muscle spasms beat him, and the more he drove, the easier it became.

As we snuggled together in bed, we chatted about our weekend plans. Assuming Clare was okay with me staying with her, I’d need to move my things out of the house. I didn’t want to force a wedge between Clare and Danny, but since it was only for a short time, I hoped it’d be okay. Once I’d made my decision about Jon, I’d either move somewhere with him or find a completely new place to live. I didn’t want to think about that at the moment.

Jon said he had some errands to run on Saturday, we’d take Sunday as it came, and then I was due back at work on Monday and Jon would be leaving for Houston in the evening. I didn’t want to think about that either.

****

Clare was incredibly understanding when I told her the story and she agreed completely. I didn’t tell her everything. Jon’s near-breakdown would stay private between us.

Sam jogged around—all excited to see me again—and whickered in delight, searching my pockets with his velvety nose for sweets. I brought his favorite lemon sherbets and fed them to him happily. At the back of my mind, I knew if I opted to stay with Jon, I’d probably be spending far more time on the road with him, which in turn would mean leaving Sam more.

There were so many things to think about.