Pole Position (30 page)

I’d become quite attached to the Jeep. It even crossed my mind that I might arrange to buy it, since I’d soon be losing my beloved ‘Vette. I’d not heard back from my lawyer yet. I didn’t know if I’d still have it for weeks, or just days. It may well be gone by the time I came back from Houston. Was there any chance of persuading Susie to change her mind? It had to be worth a try. Maybe I should go and see her? Try to negotiate in person?

My mind flashed over all these things as I stood waiting for Anita at the stables. I asked if she fancied going out for dinner. We contemplated the options and had a quick kiss before setting off back to her house, to pack up some of her stuff.

She went inside while I opened up the back of the Jeep. Seconds later, I heard her scream. “
Jon.
”

Was Psycho Danny here? Had he attacked her? Adrenaline surged and I sprinted the few yards to the door, nearly ripping it off its hinges. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen, clinging to the doorframe.

“Neeta.” I reached her side and then saw what she was staring at. Danny, slumped facedown in a pool of vomit at the table.

Anita’s white, terrified face gazed back at me as I took in the scene. A nearly empty bottle of whisky on the table. A pill bottle lying on its side. An envelope, addressed to Colette, neatly resting against the kettle.

“
Christ,
” I whispered. I forced myself to approach him, and felt at his neck for a pulse.

Anita scrabbled in her pocket for her phone. “Is he—” Her words ground to a halt.

I felt thready movement beneath my fingertips. “There’s a pulse, but it’s very faint. Call an ambulance.”

The stink of vomit was overwhelming. I tried to move his head to clear his airway, and nearly gagged at the stench. Anita made the emergency call, describing the pills and alcohol, and then rang Clare. I heard her anguished cry from across the kitchen.

“He’s been sick; it might not be too bad.” I tried to sound reassuring. What the hell did I know about these things? I was painfully aware I’d been in his shoes just a few days ago. All of a sudden, my psychotic enemy seemed human, vulnerable, and rather pathetic.

I kept my finger on his pulse, and then lost it. He made a faint gurgling noise and went quiet. Anita stared, appalled, as I stuck my ear next to his mouth. “
Fuck
. He’s stopped breathing.”

I’d no option. I had to apply CPR.

His face was covered in vomit, and it crusted around his mouth. I really didn’t want to go anywhere near him. A tiny part of my brain asked why I didn’t just walk away. But Jordan hadn’t walked away from me, and neither had Anita or Kate. I would do what I could for Danny.

I opened his mouth, scooped out as much phlegm and vomit as I could with my fingers, and then hauled him onto the floor. Closing my eyes, and wishing I could close my nose, I gave him breaths, then heart compressions. I’d done first-aid training at the racetrack in the U.S.—it’d been standard practice there—and I was amazed I remembered any of it.

“Anita, bag up the pill bottle, they’ll need to know what he took.” I gave the instruction between breaths. More chest compressions, then a rumbling gasp and a splutter from him, and shallow breaths. Thank
fuck
for that. I sat back on my heels and felt for his pulse. It had come back again, weak and irregular, but there. “And bag up the whisky bottle too. Is there any sign of the ambulance?”

She gazed out of the window. “Yes, and Clare’s here.”

It was chaotic after that. Anita had to restrain Clare from holding Danny while the paramedics set to work on him. I staggered over to the sink to wash my hands and rinse out my mouth. Your own vomit was bad enough, someone else’s didn’t bear thinking about.

I turned back, seeing the envelope against the kettle. “Who’s going to ring Colette?”

“Me,” said Anita. “I’ll tell her.” She moved away, going into Colette’s old bedroom for some privacy to make the difficult call. She was trembling when she came back. “Colette’s on her way.” She glanced at the medics. “Have they said anything yet?”

I shook my head. I held a sobbing Clare, trying to comfort her.

They loaded Danny into the ambulance where they worked on him some more. Clare went to the hospital with him. Mark would join her there, while Anita and I waited for Colette. We stood and stared at each other for a moment, and then Anita collapsed into my arms. I held her tight, trying not to wonder if this had been just another way of Danny manipulating her.

She mumbled into my shirtfront. “This was nearly us.” I didn’t understand at first. She tried again. “The other night, when you drove off? Seeing Danny here, like this, made me realize how lucky I am to be standing here now, with you.”

I squeezed her close to me. “I know.”

“I can’t stand this stink.” She pulled out of my arms and with nervous, jerky movements ran a bowl of hot water, adding detergent and a cloth. I helped to clean up, opened the windows to let in some air and make it more tolerable for when Colette arrived. My shirt was covered in vomit. I threw it straight in the bin. I never wanted to wear that one again.

Colette ran into the kitchen and straight into Anita’s arms. “I can’t believe the stupid
eejit
. What the hell was he thinking of?” Shock made her brogue even stronger. Silently I passed her the envelope and made sure she sat down before she opened it.

The letter inside was handwritten on a single sheet of paper. She scanned it quickly and passed it across to Anita, who read it next to me.

Colette,

I never realized what was under my nose until I drove it away. I am so sorry. I love you more than I could ever say, and having made you hate me, I no longer have a reason to live.

Please tell Anita I’m sorry, and tell Clare I love her.

Danny

xxx

Colette crumpled in on herself. She bent over the table and sobbed. “He rang me,” she cried. “He wanted to talk to me, but I refused to take his call.”

Anita tried to comfort her and in the midst of the distress, my phone beeped with a text message.

Jon—Daniel Jerman has scratched from Donington—broken his leg. Call me for update. Tom

I gazed at the phone and reflected on the message. At any other time this piece of bad luck would have given me renewed hope for my Championship title. Jerman was my closest rival. With him off the field, it put me in a much stronger position. But now, today, it felt meaningless.

Anita and Colette both stared at me expectantly. They probably thought it had been from Clare. “Sorry,” I volunteered. “It wasn’t anything to do with this.”

“Are we all going to the hospital?” Anita held Colette’s hands while she spoke.

“I’ll drive,” I replied. “I just need to grab a jacket or something. I can’t walk through the hospital half naked.”

Digging out my fleece from the back of the car, we set off. Clare rang Anita as we drove, and thankfully, it was good news. We’d found him in time. They were busy pumping his stomach and testing his liver and kidneys, but he should recover.

Later, as we sat on the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room, Anita told Colette what I’d done for Danny.

She hugged me, hard. “Thank you, Jon, I don’t know what else to say. You saved his life. I can have another chance with him.” Tears trickled down her face, and Anita silently passed her a wedge of tissues. Then Clare and Mark heard, and before I knew it, everyone was hugging me and crying on my shoulders. Mark shook my hand as though he’d tear it from my arm.

We sat and waited some more, and drank bad coffee from the vending machines. Eventually the nurse said he could have one visitor for five minutes and Colette disappeared.

We all waited some more. Anita dozed against my chest.

Finally, Colette came back, in tears again but with a smile emerging. “He’s so sorry for everything. He can’t believe he was such an idiot.” She wiped her eyes. “We’ve got a lot of talking to do, but at least we can still do that.”

It was time to leave. It was almost midnight, too late to ring Tom back, but that could wait until tomorrow.

I reflected on the irony again. Danny was my enemy. I’d wanted to kill him practically from the first time I saw him, yet tonight I’d probably saved his life.

****

I held Anita close to me in bed that night. I craved the feel of her skin next to mine, to hear her breathing and smell her perfume. The line between life and death was so fine. I’d looked death in the face twice in the past few weeks, flirted with insanity, and practically destroyed the one I love. It felt significant that I was still here and she was still beside me. If we could cope with everything that’d been thrown at us so far, surely we’d be fine now? I still had to go to Houston on Monday, and it was now the early hours of Sunday morning, but I knew she’d be here for me when I came back.

I awoke early on Sunday morning. It took a moment to remember why, but then I was out of bed and hunting for my phone to check for messages. Clare and Colette had both sent texts to say Danny was doing well, and should be coming home tomorrow. I sat on the bed next to Jon and kissed him to wake him up.

He looked at me through bleary eyes. “It can’t be morning already.”

“I’m afraid it is. I have to go to the stables today, I’m not sure if Clare will be there. I’ll take the Jeep, you can stay here.”

He sank back into the pillow and groaned. “It’s too early.” He squinted at his watch. “You don’t normally go this early? Wake me when you come home.”

As I dragged myself into the shower, I heard him calling me back. “What time will you be home? I was hoping we could have some time together, just you and me.”

I gave him a lingering kiss. “I’ll be back by twelve, earlier if I can get away. What do you have in mind?”

He just smiled and held me close. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

My heart ached as I stood in the shower. It was a simple request:
wake me when you come home
. I allowed myself to imagine we were like any other normal couple, with a home of our own, where we could have this same conversation. I longed to say
yes
to him, to make the decision to stay together, especially after everything that happened yesterday. But there was something I had to do first.

I took my rucksack to the stables with me. I had a small package buried at the bottom that needed my attention today, and it was something I couldn’t put off. In eight years of having periods, they’d never been more than a day late. Now it was two weeks late. Even though the pill might make me irregular at first, I wanted to be sure.

Part of me knew the test would be positive. That’s why I had to be ultra early at the stables, to have some privacy.

I needed to know today, because I had to decide what to tell Jon before he left for Houston.

Since Anita planned on going back to work in the morning, this would be our last chance to spend time alone before I went back overseas. The prospect of a month apart made me feel sick. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But I’d promised to wait until after Faenza before she had to give me her decision. I wandered around the house all morning, and then dashed outside when I saw the Jeep pulling up. It was only eleven thirty.

I swept her into my arms and kissed her thoroughly. “You’re early. That’s great.”

She kissed me, and I realized she looked upset. “What is it, sweetheart? Have you had more news of Danny?”

“No. He’s going to be fine, thanks to you.”

She looked me in the eyes, and a shiver ran down my spine. There was something different about her. She took my hand and gave me a smile.

“So what are we doing this afternoon? Have I got time for a shower?”

The smile didn’t reach her eyes.
Shit
. What now?

“Take as long as you need.” I gave her a cheeky grin. “I can scrub your back if you like?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

We walked into the house, hand in hand, and then she disappeared upstairs to my bathroom while I went to collect our lunch. Mrs. P had made us a picnic, and I loaded this into the ‘Vette. Anxiety churned in my stomach. Something was wrong.

Anita was quiet and withdrawn when we set off. Other than asking lightly where we were going—I told her it was a surprise—she gazed out of the windows as we drove. I headed north on the M6, coming off at the A59 junction near Preston. The ‘Vette ran beautifully, the engine purring as we sped up the motorway. American cars were famous for not handling narrow and winding British country lanes well, but this one hugged the corners and bowled along happily.

I planned on taking Anita to the pretty village of Downham, a place I’d stumbled on once, years ago. The village was little more than a handful of houses, a pub and shop, and a stream inhabited by hordes of ducks. Downham was famous for its ducks, and the shop even sold bags of duck food to tourists. From there, we could explore the scenic Trough of Bowland mountain area, and take some time out to be together.

She perked up when we arrived, and bought a bag of duck food. I took some hilarious photos of her standing on the edge of the stream being mobbed by a mass of greedy ducks, while she giggled at the camera. We settled our blanket on a sunny patch of grass, and I opened up the picnic basket, tempting her with Mrs. P’s delicacies. She smiled at me, although it still looked artificial, and then picked at the food. The weather was glorious, and Downham appeared to be a popular spot for tourists.

Anita gazed at a family group sitting near us. The parents looked tired and harassed, the mother holding a wriggling baby while the father tried to referee an argument between two small boys.

“Why are children so bloody noisy,” I grumbled as I wriggled into a sitting position leaning against a tree, while trying to coax Anita into my arms. She lay there dutifully, still a million miles away. Now I was getting worried.

“Something worrying you, baby? You’ve been quiet all day.” I whispered into her ear, while wrapping my arms around her.

She sighed, and I felt her breath across my arm. “I sometimes wonder. Do you ever think about children, Jon?”

I huffed a laugh. “Love ‘em, but couldn’t eat a whole one. Sorry, bad joke. Children? Not for at least another five years, more like ten. I want to have my life first before I tie myself down to that. Look how tired those people are. They probably haven’t had sex for months.” I wanted her to giggle at my feeble humor, but she didn’t.

“What’s the matter, Anita? Is it because I’m going away tomorrow?” I spoke softly; I needed her to open up to me. “I don’t want to go, and if I had any choice I’d stay here with you. But it’s business, you know that.” I gave her a gentle squeeze. “Why don’t you come over to see me? Maybe a long weekend?”

To my increasing alarm, she pulled away, stood up and wandered a few steps. Turning round, she stared at me with an expression that made me cold.

“We need to talk.”

Fuck
. Those four words, the ones that usually heralded the things you least want to hear.

We packed up, loaded the barely-touched food back into the car, and set off along the edge of the stream. I held her hand tight. We hadn’t gone far when she dropped her bombshell.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve made my decision.”

I spun round to face her, grabbed both hands, and held her fast. “Please don’t do this, Anita. You promised to wait until after Italy. You don’t have to decide now.” My eyes searched her face.

She stared into the distance, unable to look me in the eyes.

“Why?” I couldn’t say any more. My throat had gone dry and tight.

She shrugged. “I can’t explain.”

“Can’t, or won’t?”

“I’ve made my decision.” Her voice was faint. “I didn’t think it was fair to keep you hanging on for weeks, when I already knew what I would choose.”

I looked up to the skies for inspiration. “But I love you. And I know you love me. We
talked
about this.”

She rubbed angrily at her face. “It isn’t
about
love. I love you so much, Jon, I can’t begin to tell you, but I can’t live your life.”

“My
life
?” My voice rose higher. “I’m not asking you to live my life. It means so much to me, to know I’m coming home to you. Please don’t throw all this away.”

Her eyes glistened, and I stared in disbelief when she shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I pulled her into my arms. I couldn’t—
wouldn’t
—believe this was happening. She trembled against my shoulder while I tried to think. “Is this to do with Danny?”

“No, you idiot. We’ll always be in your debt for what you did.”

“Then why now? Today? Why can’t you wait a few weeks, like we agreed?”

She went silent, just hugged close to me while I buried my face in her hair. I didn’t understand what had changed. It
had
to be something to do with Danny. I tried again. “Do you feel guilty about Danny?”

She drew a sharp breath. “You’re like a dog with a bloody bone. This has nothing, repeat
nothing
, to do with Danny.”

“Then what is it to do with? I told you, I’m only racing for a few more years, and then we can be together all the time.”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.” There was a great sense of finality in the way she spoke.

“Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind? Do you want me to get down on my knees and beg?”

“
No
.”

I stepped back and stared, perplexed. My mind raced, spinning through the possibilities. “Why can’t you give me two months, like we agreed?”

She hung her head, and put her hands to her face. “Jon. Please stop this.”

I waited, counted to ten inside my head. “What if I don’t go to Houston? I’ll tell Dad I need to stay here.”

No response.

A thought occurred to me. “Is this something to do with Susie? Is it because I’m still not divorced?”

She stiffened. Was I getting close? “Sweetheart, help me out here, please. I don’t like playing guessing games. You know my divorce isn’t through yet, that she’s still haggling over the terms.” I paused, tried to gauge if I had any response. It made no sense.

Anita sighed, and finally looked up to meet my eyes. I stared back, trying to absorb every tiny detail.

“You are the kindest, most decent man I’ve ever met. I love you beyond measure and will never forget you, Jon, but I can’t live this life with you. It’s not right to make you hang on when I already know what I’ve decided.” She raised her hand to my cheek and held it there. “I’ve made up my mind. Will you do something for me, please?”

“Anything.”

She hesitated, and then gave me a faint smile. “Go out there and be the best. Win your races. Be a Formula 1 champion, and make your dad’s engine the best in the world. Let me read about your success in the papers. And find someone to share your life. Someone more suited to your lifestyle.”

I took a deep breath. I sensed I was running out of time. “I’ve found someone to share my life with.
You
. I don’t
want
anyone else. What the hell has brought all this on?”

She could be stubborn sometimes. She just shook her head.

“Is this it? I drive you home and never see you again? Christ. I can’t do that.” I grasped at the only straw left. “You’ve left stuff at my place. Don’t you need to come back for it?”

She shook her head, a tiny movement. “I packed it into my bag before I came out, when I went for a shower after the stables.”

I was stunned. She’d planned this. The world shifted beneath my feet. “How long have you known?”

She gave me that same, shuttered look. “Does it matter?”

“Well yes, I think it does.”

She shrugged. “This morning, I wasn’t completely sure until then.”

“So what happened this morning?” I cast my mind back, searching for clues. “You went out early, I stayed in bed. What else happened?”

“It isn’t that simple. I’d been thinking about it endlessly, and I finally came to a decision. I’m sorry it isn’t what you want to hear, but I can’t help that.”

“You can help that. Don’t go. Stay with me.”

She just walked away a few paces, wrapped her arms around herself, and stood with her back to me.

Shock and hurt gave way to anger. I kicked at the stones by my feet. What the fuck did I have to do? I told her I loved her, that I wanted to spend my life with her. I even saved her best friend’s life for fuck’s sake. What more did I have to do?

When she didn’t move, I stepped closer and pulled her round to face me. “The one thing I can’t cope with, above everything else, is the way you keep changing your mind. It’s like all I have to do is try extra hard to persuade you, and you’ll change your mind again. So go on, save me the effort this time, tell me what I need to do.
Jesus
. This is like being married.”

She flinched at my words but stayed silent.

“You say you can’t carry on like this, but spare a thought for me, Anita. You say you love me, and then you want to leave. Then you’re back again, and now you’re saying we’re over—
again
. What do you
want
?” I took a breath. I tried very hard not to get angry. “This is worryingly like the discussion I had with Susie, the ‘if you love me you’ll marry me routine’. Nothing more than emotional blackmail. Having landed myself with one grasping wife, I have no intention of repeating the experience.”

I stared hard at her. “I’m not going to hang on forever while you fanny around. Either you want to be a part of my life, or you don’t. Whichever you decide now is final.”

She blinked. The tears I’d been expecting to cascade didn’t appear. She just stood there and looked at me, her eyes flicking over my face.

“I’m not changing my mind this time. Will you please take me home?”