Portraits (32 page)

He forced himself into forgetfulness by immersing himself in the service, and suddenly he found that he was touched by the violin playing the hauntingly beautiful strains of the
Kol Nidre
. It had never sounded so poignant to him, and in his heart he blessed Rachel for awakening this feeling in him. Tonight the resentments were gone, the old days of
shul
blown into the past. He joined in the responsive reading.

As though the congregation and the rabbi were of one voice, they intoned: “Thou are my hope, my immovable rock, my stronghold. O God, strengthen and sustain me, for without Thee I am all too weak. Hear me on this solemn day, on which Thou hast promised to purify the sinner and efface his guilt.”

The congregation was then seated and listened to the organ play softly as the choir sang.

Followed by the meditation:

O God and Father, I come into Thy benign presence to lift my voice in penitent prayer. This Day of Atonement is a messenger from on high, calling me in love to return to Thee. May it be Thy will, O Master of the universe, that I may hear and heed Thy voice. Thou hast given me the understanding to distinguish between good and evil and hast bestowed upon me freedom of will to choose between them. Often have I disregarded Thy words and strayed from Thy paths. But in Thy mercy dost Thou give me the means of turning from my evil ways and of coming back unto the path on which Thou desirest me to go…

This evening Jacob listened to the rabbi and felt almost as if he were speaking directly to him.

“We have turned aside from Thy commandments and from Thy beneficent ordinances, and it hath not availed us. Thou art righteous in all that has befallen us, for Thou doest justice, but we have wrought evil.

“What shall we say before Thee, who art on high, and what shall we recount unto Thee, who dwellest in the heavens? Dost Thou not know all things, both the hidden and the revealed? Thou knowest the secrets of eternity and the hidden thoughts of every living being.” …

At ten the next morning Jacob sat with Rachel in the synagogue. He would have liked to have shared this moment with Sara, but she said she would stay home with Doris and meet him for the memorial service.

He stayed all day. Not a drop of water had touched his lips…his mouth was dry. Somewhere deep within him he felt the need to remember his past hunger and how good life had since been to him. Today he did not feel omnipotent. Today he felt cleansed…

At three o’clock, Rachel left the sanctuary and Sara now sat beside her husband. The doors were closed and the mourners remained. The solemn service of the
Yizkor
began.

After the choir’s song, the rabbi came forward, stood before the congregation for a moment, then began, “O, what is man, the child of dust? What is man, O Lord? The eye is never satisfied with seeing; endless are the desires of the heart. No mortal has ever had enough of riches, honor and wisdom when death ended his career. Man devises new schemes on the grave of a thousand disappointed hopes. Discontent abides in the palace and in the hut, rankling alike in the breast of prince and pauper. Death finally terminates the combat, and grief and joy, success and failure, all are ended. Like a child falling asleep over his toys, man loosens his grasp on earthly possessions only when death overtakes him. The master and the servant, the rich and the poor, the strong and the feeble, the wise and the simple, all are equal in death; the grave levels all distinctions and makes the whole world kin.”

The service continued with the silent devotion as each mourner recalled the memory of his departed loved ones.

Jacob wept at the memory of his father as he recited from the
Union Prayerbook
…“Thy memory, my dear father, fills my soul at this solemn hour. It revives in me thoughts of love and friendliness which thou didst bestow upon me. The thought of thee inspires me to a life of virtue and when my pilgrimage on earth is ended and I shall arrive at the throne of mercy, may I be worthy of thee in the sight of God and man…May our merciful Father reward thee for the kindness thou hast ever shown me; may He grant thee eternal peace. Amen.”

And Sara whispered in longing, “I remember thee in this solemn hour, my dear mother. I remember the days when thou didst dwell on earth and thy tender love watched over me like a guardian angel…”

Soft weeping seemed to echo through the quiet synagogue.

Once again, the congregation joined the cantor and the choir as they all raised their voices…“Open unto us, O God, the gates of mercy, before the closing of the gates, ere the day is done. The day vanishes, the sun is setting; let us enter Thy gates.”

Now the rabbi intoned: “The day is fading, the sun is setting; silence and peace of night descend upon the earth. Vouchsafe rest, O God, unto our disquieted hearts; lift up the soul that is cast down. Turn, in Thine all-forgiving love, to Thy children who yearn for Thy mercy; turn, O Father, to all the fainting hearts, to all heavy-laden souls. Let this hour bring us the assurance that Thou hast forgiven, that we have found favor in Thy sight. Consecrate our hearts unto Thee, and make them Thy living altars, whereon shall return the holy flame of devotion to Thee.”

Jacob and Sara then stood with the others and listened to the benediction. “Let the year on which we have entered be for us a year of blessing and of prosperity.” …

Jacob looked at Sara. Both with the same wish—that they should be more understanding, more loving and forbearing. In that special moment, all hostilities were gone. Jacob took her to him, kissed her and said, “Have a good year, Sara.”

“And you, Jacob. A good year…”

Together they went home to their children and at least for this special evening they all sat together, in love and in peace.

R
ACHEL THOUGHT SHE’D PERFORMED
a miracle. Hardly able to contain herself, she went to Mother Teresa and told her what had happened.

If anyone shared her joy, it was Mother Teresa. “You see, Rachel? Faith
can
move mountains.”

Rachel truly believed that—for a while. But then, gradually, mama seemed to lose the peace she had found and once again became as irritable as before…the same old complaints were revived. And papa also lapsed into the same old pattern. He worked harder than ever and was away for even longer periods of time.

How naïve she had been, Rachel thought. Going to temple for one service didn’t change a person. Only constant devotion and dedication would do that. The rabbi had said Judaism was a tree of life, a living thing that had to be embraced daily as a way of life, a guideline of morality. People’s natures didn’t change because of one glance at what heaven might be. Mama couldn’t help being what she was. Rachel had seen how touched papa had been on the Day of Atonement, but in spite of that and in spite of his complaints about living among
goyim
, he was a man who lacked faith—or who had traded it? That night had stirred their faith, but only their lives could sustain it…

Now all Rachel could think about was getting away, going to college. Thank God, only three more months and she’d be graduating…

But the old feeling for papa was still there. He’d been away on a trip for so long now and when she heard the sound of wheels in the driveway she hurried down the stairs and ran to meet him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him.

He was embarrassed by her unusual display of affection, but managed to greet her with a small peck on the cheek.

“I’m so happy you’re home, papa, I just couldn’t wait.”

“Me too, Rachel.”

When they went into the house Sara turned from the sink to give him her standard greeting. “How was it you didn’t call? You were gone ten days.”

“I was up in hell and gone, without a phone.”

She shook her head. “Go wash up. Dinner’s ready…”

As they ate, Rachel said, “You know I’m graduating this June.”

Jacob couldn’t believe it. She was eighteen years old now. Imagine, that little girl who used to wait for him at the subway…

His fond memory was cut short when Rachel continued, “I want to go to college.”

“College? You don’t have to go to college—”

“I don’t have to, but I want to.”

“College isn’t necessary for a girl.”

“Why, papa?”

“Because—”

“Because why, papa?” Rachel was not only nervous but angry.

“Because a girl doesn’t need that kind of an education. You’re already educated enough.”

“Nobody’s ever educated enough.”

“I’m still not sending you to college.”

“You haven’t answered me yet, papa.”

“So, I’ll answer you. Why should I spend all that money? You’ll just get married and it’ll all be wasted.”

“Oh, my God, I simply can’t believe this. How do you know I’m going to get married?”

“Why, what are you going to do? Become an old maid?”

Sara sat listening and watching as Rachel’s anger brimmed over.

“But if I were your
son
, you’d send me, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, if you were a boy, it would be different.”

In spite of herself, Rachel began to cry, which, of course, was the last thing she wanted to do…show him what he’d consider her feminine weaknesses…“I think you’re the most unbelievably selfish man in the world. It’s only the
money
that bothers you, that’s what it is. You never had an education and of all people you should know how important it is. You’ve talked about it often enough. About your poor unfortunate childhood and how—”

“That’s
enough
.” For the first time in his life, he started to raise his hand against one of his children, but he caught himself and continued, “I’m not your mother, you can’t talk to me that way and don’t
ever
raise your voice to me, young lady…Yes, you bet it’s the money, at least partly. I don’t apologize…I worked damned hard to give you what I didn’t have, and if it’s not enough…”

But Rachel no longer heard as she ran out of the house and down the street. God, if only she could run away, but where and with what…?

Jacob, God help him, was honestly surprised by her outburst.
His
childhood came rushing at him now…Damn it, he’d starved, slept on bare floors and in alleys, been so hungry his stomach had shrunk. It had been no damned picnic clawing his way up to where he was. And now he discovered that his children took him for granted, just the way Sara did. It was as though they all felt it was coming to them. He was someone who made their life comfortable, but beyond that he was no one to them. And God help him if he ever denied them anything their hearts desired…

He looked at Sara. “I don’t understand…If I’d had a father like I at least try to be to my children, I would have kissed the ground he walked on.”

“Now you know what I mean, Jacob. Whenever I tried to tell you how difficult Rachel was, you fought me—”

More to himself, he said, “I can’t get over her talking to me like that…no respect. I never noticed before—”

“Of course you didn’t. You’re not home long enough to notice much of anything about the children.”

Doris and Lillian sat listening to themselves all being lumped together as the “children”…Were they
really
such bad and difficult children…?

Unaware of their presence, Jacob went on, “I’m knocking myself out so they can have. What am I doing it all for if not to secure their future? Never mind what I said, even if I didn’t have the money I’d send her to college if I thought she should go. But she needs a college degree to wash diapers? Am I wrong, Sara?”

“No.” She shook her head in agreement. “Look what my fine education did for me—I can quote Shakespeare while I’m doing the dishes. What Rachel needs is to go to work and find how hard it is to earn a dollar. I’ll tell you something, Jacob. Rachel’s inclined to be very extravagant. She spends her money on nothing but luxuries, and that’s something I’m not going to give her.”

Doris sat biting her lip. Quietly, she said, “Why do you want me to get such good grades, papa? I mean, if you don’t think an education is necessary…”

Jacob looked at her with mingled confusion and anger. “From you, I don’t need any philosophy, young lady. If you graduate high school, we’ll be lucky.”

She held back the tears, then silently got up and left the room, with Lillian following…

June came and Rachel graduated. The occasion was far from happy. Most of the older girls were going to college and some were engaged, but she had neither to look forward to.

Rachel was understandably subdued in spite of the excitement of kisses, congratulations, picture-taking and happy families that closed the graduation ceremony.

Jacob refused to come because he still disapproved of her having gone to a convent. But Sara was there, feeling as she had from the start that she’d saved Rachel from temptation by sending her to St. Frances.

Doris and Lillian were proud as could be that their big sister had graduated with highest honors and hugged her as they told her so…

“Oh, Rachel, you were so beautiful,” Doris said.

“Thank you…”

“You were,” Sara said. “I was right, wasn’t I? Someday, Rachel, you’ll learn to be grateful that I insisted. A mother has to direct her children. Papa and I are very happy for you.” She kissed her oldest daughter. “Very happy.”

“Yes, I know, mama…I really do,” Rachel answered.

If Sara noticed that Rachel was barely able to meet her glance, today it was disregarded. “Now, we’ll all go out to lunch and celebrate. This, my children, is a wonderful occasion.”

And not one sigh escaped her lips.

After graduation Rachel avoided the family as much as possible. When her father was home she rarely spoke to him. She all but ignored her mother and told her nothing about her plans. She knew she had to go to work, but she wasn’t going to sell dresses for other women to wear. Not her. So temporarily she worked at Withorn and Swan department store during the day and enrolled in a class at night school to become a comptometer operator.

While looking through the want ads she had discovered there was not only a demand for this skill but that the pay was excellent with the promise of raises. At least there was some future in it…