Pretend With Me (Midnight Society #1) (17 page)

Tears rolled down my face. My heart was heavy and
hard in my chest. I felt like it weighed more than I could
carry. I grabbed Christy and hugged her fiercely, never
wanting to let her go.
“I love you, Christy,” I whispered without releasing
her. “More than you know.” I held her away from me.
Then making sure she was looking at me I said “Don’t you
ever let anyone tell you that I don’t. I could never hate
you, it’s impossible, okay?”
After a slow second she nodded and wrapped her tiny
arms around my neck tightly. “Thank you for not hating
me. I love you, Jenifer.”
“I love you too,” I murmured hugging her back. We
stayed like that until something occurred to m e. Christy
must know where Eric was, since he had been telling her
how much I hated her. “Christy,” I said standing up.
“Where is Eric?”
She tilted her head to me slowly. “When he’s sad he
stays in the pool house.” I thought back wondering if I’d
seen a pool house before. I came up with nothing.
“And where exactly is the pool house?”
I listened to her directions and then hugged her
goodbye, going in search of the pool house. It was easy to
find. I hadn’t seen it before because it was partly hidden by
a line of trees. There was a stone path though, that went
from the pool directly to the pool house.
I didn’t bother to knock. Instead, I opened the door
and walked right in as though I owned the place. I found
no one though and as I turned to leave, voices echoed
through the room - a TV I soon realized. I followed the
sound and came to a staircase.
With each step I took and the more I thought of
Christy in her room was the less guilt I felt over everything
I did to him. Instead my anger and disgust for Eric became
more intense. I couldn’t believe that he would even think
to tell Christy I hated her. This was a new low. Did he
really think I hated her, or was he just trying to piss me
off? If it was the latter, he succeeded.
Directly at the bottom of the staircase was a white
translucent door. I stood on the last step not sure what I
was going to do. I was torn between intense hatred for him
and intense sadness. I didn't understand how a person
could hate someone so much they wanted to kill them, and
yet care for that very person equally at the same time.
I opened the door slowly determined not to shout or
argue this time. However when I saw him, lying casually
on a bed watching TV something else happened.
Immediately my good intentions were engulfed by the
need to give him another hole in his face.
“What do you want, Jenifer?” he sig hed tiredly without
looking at me. This only fuelled my rage and before I knew
it, I was sitting on top of him, sneering down at him with
violence on my face.
“What is wrong with you? She was in her room crying,
you dumbass!” I shouted in his face.
“What are you talking about?” he asked innocently, as
if he didn’t already know.
“You told Christy I hated her.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“She said so-” I began but stopped when he rolled
over, flipping me under him.
“And I said I didn’t, Jenifer,” he sneered, his breath hot
on my face. He spoke each word clearly and carefully. I
knew then that he was telling the truth, that much was
plain in his eyes.
“Then why would she-” I began, but once again he cut
me off.
“Because she’s four and she’s feeling what I am!” he
shouted raising himself off me.
“You think I hate you?” I asked, genuinely shocked.
Without answering, he turned his back on me and started
for the door. Before he could reach it, I was off the bed
standing in front of him. “Why won’t you stay and talk to
me?”
“Talk to you,” he sneered turning to face me angrily.
“We promised to talk to each other before, Jen, but you
broke that promise! Now there is nothing to talk about,
the time for talking is done! I don’t want to see you
anymore, now stay away from me.”
“Eric,” I grabbed onto his hand, “I never wanted to
hurt you,” I pleaded.
“Oh but you did, Jen,” he whispered ripping his hand
away. “You promised me you would. Congrats, Jen, you’re
successful, I hate you.” I swallowed turning my back to
him. I didn’t want to see him walking away from me
anymore, it hurt too much.
“I know what I want, Eric. Ever since I could
remember, I’ve always known what I wanted. I don’t want
this wedding... because to me it’s not just an arranged
marriage, it’s like slowly dying... You’re taking everything I
have left in me and you expect me to be happy about it...
You don't know what it's like, Eric... Everyday a piece of
me gets chipped off and I lose a part of myself... Everyday
I die a little inside and it's not because of you, but what
happens when I have no more pieces left?”
“I walk around pretending to be okay, but I'm really
not. Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe and to wake up
on mornings... It hurts to look at you and smiled when I'm
breaking apart inside... Eric, it hurts to be alive,” I sniffed
desperately fighting tears. “I don't want to feel like this
anymore... I am so tired of hurting... but I don't know how
to make the pain go away...” I sniffed again as tears I was
holding back filled my eyes. “I don't hate you, Eric… even
when I wanted to hate you I couldn't. I never wanted to
hurt you either... I just wanted the pain to stop…”
“Tell me how I make the pain go away... tell me how I
stop feeling like this, Eric and I'll gladly marry you...” I
pleaded with him. “Show me a way to stop always feeling
like I'm breaking and I'll do whatever you want me do...
You can't though... No one can help me and doing what I
did was the only way I saw out of feeling like this... Not
taking my meds had nothing to do with you - it was me
being tired of always hurting... of always pretending...”
I turned around and without looking at him, I began to
climb up the stairs. I didn’t want to see him hurting any
more because of me. Maybe Eric was right, loving me was
a curse. From now on, I should just do as he asked and
stay away from him. Maybe that was the best thing for
both of us.

There was a bang so loud that even in my sleep, I
reacted. I felt myself jump awake as my eyes fluttered open
for a second, then closed and I drifted off back to sleep in
the same second. Footsteps echoed in my head, steady and
fast, and I guessed its owner was either angry or had an
agenda of some sort. Seconds later another door slammed
and immediately a soft voice I recognized broke the
silence. “Eric, what are you doing?” Mrs. Wilson asked.

“What do you mean?” Eric’s voice was neutral.
“How long do you plan on keeping this up? It's been
more than a week. You both need to straighten things
out.”
“I don't see her trying to work anything out,” he
mumbled.
“Of course not, you've been holed up in this room and
the one time she tried to talk, you told her to stay away.
She's giving you what you wanted even though it's been
hard on her too.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” There was an almost
silent movement, as if someone had sat down on a very
soft cushion or bed.
“Eric, you’re not this person, why are you holding on
to this? That girl has been through so much it’s
understandable why she felt she had to do what she did.
You haven’t seen what I’ve seen...”
“What happened to her, mom?”
“I can’t tell you, it’s not my place... But you need to
forgive her.”
I heard more footsteps as if someone was pacing. “I
can’t.”
“Eric, sit down, there is something I need to tell you.”
She paused for a moment, sighed and then continued. “As
you know, with all the bloodlines, our mates are chosen
for us at birth. I never wanted this life for myself... and
because I was shoved into it, I hated your dad... and your
dad... well at the time he didn’t think much of me either...
The feelings we had for each other back then were nothing
short of pure hatred,” she paused. The seconds dragged on
and then I heard more footsteps, this time hers. I could tell
from the click-clack sound her shoes made.
“Whoa, mom, what are you doing?” Eric blurted out
suddenly.
“Oh relax,” she muttered and I could almost see her
rolling her eyes at him. “You've seen worse than me
shirtless.” There was another long pause. “See this mark? I
got this the day your father and I met. I gave him one too.
And this one here... this was the day he threw an
engagement ring at me. As you know only our teeth can
leave us with scars... I have a lot more scars on my body,
Eric and so does your dad... most of them aren't scars of
passion.”
Eric swallowed loudly. I didn't know how I knew it was
him, I just knew. “What changed?”
“Everything did. Don't misunderstand, Eric, I do love
your dad, it just didn’t start out as such. We had to learn to
live with each other... eventually we couldn't live without
each other.” Another long pause left silence hanging in the
air, as I waited for someone to speak.
“I guess I’m telling you that I know you’re hurting and
all the while so has Jen... but somewhere along the line she
decided to try to make it work. She took that first step,
Eric, a step that was going against everything inside her.
Now it’s time for you to do the same.”
“This is the point where you two both decide your
future. Either you will be happy together or you’ll make
each other’s life miserable. You’re my son, Eric, and I
don’t want you to be unhappy. Think about what I’ve
said.”
There was another long pause and slowly I opened my
eyes to find myself curled up on the bed in my room. It
had been ten days since the engagement ball and Eric had
barely spoken a full sentence to me. He spent most of the
time in the pool house, or off somewhere with Jason while
I occupied myself by doing anything but thinking about
barging into the pool house again. It was hard being angry
with Eric. As foreign as it was I missed him, but I was
going to give him what he asked for. Eric wanted me to
stay away, he'd been crystal clear about that, and I didn't
want to hurt him anymore.
There was a soft timid knock on the door and seconds
later it swung open. Even before the door could open fully
I already knew who it was. Christy had been sneaking into
my room almost every night. Whether I was awake or
asleep she would crawl into the bed and curl up next to
me.
“I had a dream, Jenifer,” she muttered when she was
tucked in under the thick blanket, beside me.
“About what?”
“You were angry with me.” I stared back at her silently,
not knowing what to say. “When are you going to stop
being angry with Eric? He's not bad, Jenifer. He plays with
me and takes care of me, and Eric's the best brother.”
“I know,” was all I said.
“His chest hurts,” she said simply and then frowned at
me deeply. “I got a cut once and it hurt me, but his chest
doesn't hurt like that. I don't know... He doesn't have a
cut... but his chest really hurts Jenifer... like your chest
hurts.”
I swallowed, once again lost for words. What could I
tell her? How do I make her understand? She could feel
what Eric was feeling and right now he wasn't exactly Mr.
Sunshine-and-Rainbows. “Eric won't feel like that forever,
Christy.”
“You promise?” she asked, looking up to me with wide,
worried eyes.
“I promise,” I said, knowing as the words left my lips
that I shouldn't have said them, but I’d try to keep that
promise no matter what.
“Okay” she sighed, closing her eyes and snuggling
closer to me. Within minutes she fell asleep, looking
completely angelic and peaceful. I draped my arm around
her and went back to sleep.
Hours after I woke up with a searing headache. I felt
like something hot and metallic was being shoved into the
sides of my skull. As soon as I was completely conscious I
understood why. My senses were raging, making me either
want to throw up or split my head open with a hammer.
Everything was overwhelming and too awake. The world
was suddenly screaming at me, violent and absolutely
crushing.
Even though the AC in the room was blasting out bone
chillingly cold air, I was feeling hot. Sweat clung to my
body, making me sticky. My eyes felt like they were on fire
and at any second I thought they would burn out of my
sockets. My skin was like molten rocks and ached with the
fever coursing through me. Every part of my body felt like
fire. I was burning alive.
Every sound known to man blasted in my head, even
though the bedroom was soundproof. I heard Christy's
calm and easy breaths, her heart drumming peacefully as it
matched the pace of her pulse. There was more though sounds I shouldn't be able to hear. Traffic noise and cars
honking loudly, people's footsteps by the hundreds, clickclacking on the pavements, and a string of endless talking
and chattering all blurred into one giant ear-splitting,
crushing sound. I smelled everything. The exhaust of
engines combined with the foul stench of cigarette smoke.
There were perfumes of all brands and scents mixed into
one, coating the air itself with a thick dirty smell. It tasted
dirty, like world pollution at its greatest.
Doing the only thing I could think about, I threw the
blanket off me in a rush and darted out of the bed for the
bathroom. It was only a couple footsteps away, yet still it
was enough movement for me to notice how foreign my
body was. Even in burning pain I felt the grace and
calculation I moved with. It reminded me of Katalin and
her flawless, anime-character movement.
As soon as I opened the bathroom door the lights
flashed on and I let out a throaty muffled scream at the
sharp pain. Knives, it felt like knives sticking into my
eyeballs from every angle. My hands grabbed the closest
solid object to me and I lugged it at the white bulbs,
shattering them, instantly plunging the room into total and
complete darkness.
I dropped to the floor then, curling up into the
smallest, tightest ball I could manage, pressing my hands
into the sides of my head with all the strength I had in me.
I just wanted the noise to stop. I wanted the world back on
mute. I wanted everything to stop or slow down, or I was
going to go crazy so I squeezed and squeezed, until I
swore I was going to crack my head open.
A scream tore apart the silence from the bedroom and
I knew I'd awakened Christy. Pain pulsed in my head and a
split second later something scorching hot ran down my
face from my ears, eyes and nose. It was only when it
touched my lips that I realized what it was: blood. A thick
sickening smell of salt and iron tainted the air then. I
pressed my hands further into my head squeezing tighter,
desperate to drown out the sound.
The bathroom door flew off its hinges then and harsh
lights flooded the room. I curled further into my ball,
rocking back and forth and when Eric stepped into the
room and that was how he found me. My head was buried
between my knees, yet I saw everything as clear as if I was
watching him.
Looking through these new eyes, he was even more
beautiful. I hadn't done him justice. I saw everything - each
and every godly feature he had. Long black lashes, and
eyes that were like blue fire burning in the sky. His lips,
flawlessly sculpted and black hair that was soft and healthy.
Even in complete pain I saw and appreciated that. Even as
chaos rocked my body and my senses wreaked havoc on
me I felt the now familiar need to have him close to me.
Eric glanced at me, then turned back facing the
bedroom. “Get her out of here, now,” he shouted and the
volume of his words fried my brain even more. A second
later he turned back to face me, closing the bathroom door
behind him, sealing the room in total blackness again.
“Let me see you,” he mumbled, suddenly inches away
from me. His fingers reached out gently touching my chin
in an attempt to lift my face. Before he could, he yanked
his hand back at the very moment I cringed away from
him. He was so cold. His fingers were freezing. A second
later he tried again and this time when I cringed and pulled
back he didn't let me go. Instead he gently took my chin,
raising my head so I was now facing him. I kept my eyes
sealed shut, yet as if my eyelids were translucent I saw
clearly his panicked, worried expression when he lifted my
face. His fingers then found my eyes and when he pried
one of my eyelids open, my breath caught at the sight of
my own eye.
It was blue - exactly like Eric's. My eyes were usually
brown but it glowed a bright icy blue that pierced the
darkness. I couldn't get over it. How had my eye color
changed? Where were my normally boring brow n eyes?
What was happening to me? How was I seeing this as
though I was someone on the outside, looking in?
As soon as Eric saw me his heart kicked off in his chest
beating like an African drum. His breath all but stopped
for a moment as his pulse pounded in his veins, wildly and
violently. I could see panic in his eyes and feel it radiating
from him in giant waves.
Without saying anything he released me and I sealed
my eyes shut, squeezing my head harder. Then, not a split
second later, a rainstorm erupted inside the room sending
me crazy with agony. I could hear each individual water
drop by the thousands, pelting down and pounding into
the floor like bombs dropping from planes. It was just
enough to send me flying over the edge into insanity. Right
now, I would have welcomed insanity. I gravitated towards
the place where my senses were dull. A place where the
world went back to being muted.
When I came to I was freezing. Every part of my body
literally shook with the cold of the rain. I was soaking and
couldn't stay still for a second. I felt like ice was being
poured over me or someone had dunked me into the
Arctic Ocean.
Instantly I acted out, fighting against the person
holding me and that only made his arms tightened around
me. “Shh, Jen, you'll be fine,” Eric whispered in my ear,
trying in vain to calm me. I don't know how long I fought,
eventually I stopped though. It hurt less to move.
Then finally I couldn't take any more of the pain or the
pounding in my head. I didn't want to see anything or hear
the footsteps of people miles away as if they were beside
me. I wanted to stop smelling everything.
“Eric,” I breathed out as my body trembled violently in
his arms. I could hardly get the words out because I was
just so cold.
“I'm here, Jen,” he said, his voice calm yet still
screaming in my head.
“Eric,” I said again, “help me.”
“I'm trying” he whispered shifting us slightly. We were
sitting inside the shower, as the ice cold water pelted down
on us. I was cradled between his legs, my face pressed to
his w et T-shirt as my hands bunched its fabric between my
fingers. “I know it hurts but you have to let it run its
course. Everything will be fine, Jen, you'll be okay; I
promise.”
“I'm so cold,” I trembled and before I could finish the
thought my mind floated away into some part of my head
where everything became less painful.
Over time I continuously floated back and then away. I
was always in and out of consciousness, sometimes even
stuck somewhere between the two. I heard voices drifting
in my head - conversations between people I knew and I
clung to them until the sharp piercing in my head returned.
“Your father just boarded his plane, he'll be here in a
few hours” Mrs. Wilson said, her voice calm.
“Okay,” Eric told her. I heard the word rumbling
inside his chest, and I knew in the real world he was still
holding me.
“If you want to get something to eat, I'll sit with her.”
“I'm not hungry,” was all he said in a tone that ended
the conversation.
I drifted off further into my subconscious mind then,
and there was nothing but the blanketed outside world
wreaking havoc on me and blackness.
“Her fever is finally dropping,” someone said after a
while. I was too doped up to figure out who.
“That's good.”
“What do I say when she wakes up?”
“Too many people have kept her in the dark for too
long. When she wakes Eric, you tell her the truth. It's time
she knows.”
“What about Katalin?”
“Jen has to learn these things sometime, why not
now?”
Colors floated in my head then. Bright and beautiful
shades of pinks, greens, purples and every color that
existed swirled and mixed in my head. They formed
patterns of all shaped and sizes, and blurred into each
other showing me beauty that I'd never seen before.
Eventually they darkened and then vanished all
together. Seconds later I opened my eyes and found myself
laying on a bed. Eric was sprawled out on an
uncomfortable looking chair at the side of the bed fast
asleep. I sat up taking in my surroundings and realized I
was in Eric's bedroom. Something was off though. In fact
everything was weird.