Price of Desire (33 page)

“No, that day in the park your – neph – the boy had only a nurse for accompaniment
.
I avoid society.”

“She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen.
”
Rose sensed he was no longer with her, but back in time and space
.
“I was not the man I am now, a man fit only for killing and leading men into cruelest battle
.
I was young, so young and full of ideals
.
I’d just taken a first in history at Oxford and was returning home full of pride
.
My uncle thought my getting an education foolish
.
I’d have the estates to run, but I’d been so determined that he did not dissuade me
.
Nonetheless, I knew he’d take pride in my success
.
I truly was the son he never had.”

He swallowed the brandy in one gulp, the great muscle of his neck straining with unbearable tension.

“I’d always been so blessed
.
For a boy with no father, my own died before I reached a year, I was given two
.
Lord William was, is, the kindest father a man could want
.
He frequently grew lost in his own studies, but he made my mother happy and also me.

“And Falmouth
.
It was clear his wife would have no child, she was over forty when I was born
.
He took me as his own when my father died and only grudgingly shared me with Lord William
.
He taught me all I’d ever need to know to take his place, and did it with grace and goodwill
.
I truly think he loved me as a son.”

He poured another jigger
.
She thought new tears marked his face, but it could have been a trick of the flickering sky.

“That was how I came home that spring, the young lord returning to his realm
.
I knew my uncle had remarried, hurriedly, but thought little of it
.
He was close to seventy and while still hardy, not a man given to great passions
.
I figured he’d sought a nurse for his declining years.

“There was an inn I always stopped
in, about a day’s ride from Whytehill
.
I stopped there that spring also, not realizing what a fool fate took me for.”

He put the glass down on the table and walked back to the window, the white of his linen stark in darkness.

“I went down to the tap room for my dinner and beheld a vision
reclining in the corner
as I had never seen. God, she was a goddess – or a fairy queen.”

He stopped and Rose knew he was back in that moment, the gangly lad spying a heart’s delight.

“All fiery red hair and creamy skin
.
Her eyes were the deepest clearest blue you’d ever seen and her lips, oh god her lips
.
I was captured in a moment, never stopped to consider
.
I’d never seen anything so sensual, or so innocent.

“I couldn’t think at first what she was doing there
.
Even with her protectors no lady should have been in such a place
.
Yet, everything about her spoke of class, and breeding, and good manners
.
I didn’t know what to think,
I
was too befuddled by her beauty to put much effort to it.”

He walked back to the bed and sank upon it, resting his head forward as he cushioned his elbows on his knees
.
She could feel the weight of his thoughts
.
She moved back to his side, but did not risk a touch, she needed to hear this to the end.

“She reeled me in like a trout on a line, but I did not see it then
.
With the smallest gesture of a finger she pulled me over
.
I don’t even remember the story she told of being stranded and not knowing which way was safe
.
All I remember are those eyes, that skin, those shimmering breasts.

“She was so tiny, I thought she’d break if I touched her
.
She sat me down beside her, this tiny spite who seemed so much younger than my worldly self
.
She fed me bits from her own plate, filled my glass again and again, and made me believe in her perfection even as she wrapped her talons around me.”

Rose closed her own eyes against his pain
.
She knew where this was going and wished with all her heart there was a way to divert its path.

“Enough, I understand
.
You don’t need to tell me more.”

He raised his eyes to her and she could not miss the spark that hung between hate and despair within them.

“But, my Lady Burberry, my sweetest Rose, surely you want the full tale of how you were not the first to corrupt all my ideals, to tempt me when I should have known better, to turn me from the man I should have been to this.” He gestured down at himself
.
“An oversized beast, bringing only death
.
I’ve severed men in half with my saber, given the orders that killed dozens upon dozens
.
I am death.”

His face burned pale and intent in the darkness, the emerald glow of his eyes unmistakable even then
.
She could see the pain his words caused and feel his deep-rooted belief in them.

“So don’t tell me to stop
.
Don’t tell me your ladylike ears don’t want to know how the life was sucked from me, how I was driven from all I knew and loved by one moment’s indiscretion
.
And I was still foolish enough to hope again with you.
”
He looked at the floor
.
“I should have known better
.
That is what eats at me the most
.
With Clarissa I was a boy
.
I can understand what happened
.
But, with you, with you I should have questioned
.
I should not have allowed temptation to lead me astray twice.”

He patted, or rather pounded, the bed behind him.

“Now come
.
You wanted to hear my sad story, so now sit and listen
.
Hear how I’ve come full circle, yet lost my soul in the process
.
It is surely a tale of most ladylike delight.”

What had life done to him
?
What had she in her foolish belief that passion could be had without a cost done
?
She stepped around his knees and perched beside him
.
She owed him this, at least this.

“Where was I, oh yes, overcome by sweet Clarissa’s innocence and beauty
.
I don’t think ever a lamb went as willingly to the slaughter as I went on
that night
.
The greatest joke –
she was my first
.
I’d never before given in to manly impulse, between my uncle and my stepfather I’d learned restraint, learned that all good things must
be worked for
.
And then, in one
flash, I threw it all away.

“I followed her up those stairs to her chamber, never questioning what this perfect confection of society could want with me
.
I was such the fool that even as I sank into her body, and felt her writhe with passion beneath me I never questioned fortune
.
I was so overcome with the wonder of it all that I never even thought that she might be anything but as
taken
by the
enchantment
between us as was I.

“I fell asleep dreaming of her delight when I told her who I was and what I could offer
.
I imagined her smiles when I told her she would be a countess – never of course imagining that she already was.”

He lay back on the bed then and stared up, his eyes locked on the swirling darkness of the canopy above
.
Rose wanted to touch him, to offer comfort, but knew she had no right
.
The very stiffness of his body told her he was miles away in a place she could never reach.

“I didn’t awake ‘til well after noon
.
I don’t know whether it was merely the wine, or she’d some other drug
.
I woke all grins and smiles, stretching at the miracle that had happened.

“She was gone
.
There was no trace she’d ever been there
.
My fanciful young mind actually wondered if she truly had been a fairy queen, vanished with the very dawn.”

He stopped then, and she could feel all the hopes and passions of the young man he’d been, could taste the sweetest dreams of youth and all they’d meant to him.

When he began again she feared that ice dripped with his every word.

“I set off for home, for Whytehill
, much later than I’d planned
.
I’d made inquires after her, but though many remembered seeing her none knew who she was
.
All the innkeeper could tell me was that she’d paid with a purse of gold guineas.

“By the time I reached my uncle’s home my mind was full of plans to seek her through every ballroom in London
.
She would be the object of my quest and I the epic hero.

“My uncle greeted me with great joy and hearty hugs
.
I was not mistaken in the pride he took in my accomplishments
.
He led me into the dining room
.
He was eager to show off his own joy.

“She sat there at his table, and for a moment my heart overflowed with bliss
.
She’d found me. I didn’t even need to search.”

He closed his eyes and his throat clenched tight as he swallowed
.
Rose could resist no longer, she lay her hand upon his chest in a gesture of condolence
.
He gave no sign he even knew it was there.

“Then he introduced her, Lady Clarissa Huntington, Countess of Falmouth, his love, his sweet, the miracle of his life
.
For a moment I felt stunned, then jealousy descended
.
How dare he steal my dream
?
The thought of his elderly hands on that white and perfect body
.
It turned my blood and then drained it
.
I thought I’d faint dead away.

“Then I turned and saw her again and knew the worst had not begun
.
She stared at me like a cat who had not only played with the mouse, but devoured it whole
.
She could not have been more than eighteen, but she shot me a look full of power and victory that Wellington would have been proud of.”

“I am not sure I un
derstand
.
Why would she . . .
”

He didn’t give her time to complete the sentence.

“Don’t you see
?
I would have thought you’d know the game well, although I must admit I felt the same confusion at the time
.
I was sure she’d been forced, compelled, that I was her one true love, but that she’d been forced into my uncle’s greedy hands
.
One look from her lake deep eyes and I betrayed all belief in the man who raised me
.
I’d already betrayed him by body, and now I betrayed him by mind
.
I could not doubt my fairy queen.

“She let me know the truth soon enough
.
I tried to approach her, to let her know I’d protect her, I’d take her away and manage somehow
.
I was
,
after all
,
my uncle’s heir
.
He could not disinherit me
.
I actually
told her he could not last
much longer.”

He rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in his hands
.
His words had worn the fury from within him and only the despair remained.

“You said I was a man of honor, but in that moment I sold my soul
.
All my actions since that moment have been naught but an act of recompense.”

Her hand lay upon his back now, and she stroked it up and down as she would a small child
.
He did not push her away, but still betrayed no acknowledgement.

“She laughed at me
.
I was full of youthful ideals and she had only calculation
.
She told me she was very happy with her position and had no interest in me beyond my green eyes
.
I didn’t know what she meant
.
All I knew was I had to get away
.
With her laughter
, the blinders
lifted and I saw how far I had tumbled with such great velocity.”