Authors: Paige Weaver
Tags: #romance, #contemporary romance, #New Adult
Promise Me Light (9 page)
“So that was Nathan’s house?” I asked, needing to fill the
awkward silence.
He stretched his long legs and ran a hand over his thigh before
answering.
“Yep,” he said, still keeping his focus outside.
“I didn’t know the two of you were friends.”
He glanced over at me with wariness in his eyes. “Why do you care?
You don’t have a thing for him, do you?”
I shrugged and peered in the rearview mirror, avoiding his glare.
“All the girls thought he was cute in high school. That’s
all.”
Ryder huffed. “That’s all? Really?”
“Yep,” I copied him, glancing his way quickly before looking back
at the road.
He studied me with a frown. I realized he could see right through my
fib. He always had been able to.
“Stay away from Nathan,” Ryder warned.
“Why? I thought he was your friend.”
He glanced down at my bare thighs, exposed by my shorts. “Yeah, but
that doesn’t mean you should be around him. He’s trouble.”
“According to you, every guy that talks to me is trouble,” I
said, irritated. “You threatened Cash within an inch of his life when
he asked me to prom and you scared that other guy so much he backed out
of our date last week. I just don’t get it. Why do you keep doing
that?”
When he didn’t say anything, I glanced over at him. He kept his
eyes locked outside, refusing to answer me.
“It’s really annoying,” I added, growing more annoyed by his
silence. “I’m a grown woman, Ryder. I can pick out my own dates,
thank you very much.”
“You just don’t know what guys are like, Maddie. I do. I know how
they talk. What they think. What they want. And with someone that looks
like you, they only want one thing.”
I wasn’t sure if that was meant as a compliment or not. Hearing him
say it made it sound more like a death sentence, a deadly disease, than
a flattering remark.
I finally had to ask. “What exactly do I look like, Ryder?”
In the darkness of the truck’s interior, I felt him stare at me,
pinning me under his gaze. I cleared my throat and glanced at him,
preparing myself for what more than likely would be a sarcastic remark.
His eyes bore into mine, looking deep within me. Inside my soul. The
place he had been a part of as long as I could remember.
“What do I look like?” I asked again.
“You look like an angel begging to be striped of her halo.”
I felt my heart sped up as I stared out the windshield. Gripping the
steering wheel tightly, my knuckles turned white. Heaviness settled
between us, taking up the extra space in the truck like an invisible
entity that wouldn’t go away.
Stealing a glance at him, I shifted in my seat. His attention was
focused out the window again, lost in his own thoughts. His words echoed
in my mind, replaying like an old record. I knew I had to ask one more
question.
“And what does that make you, Ryder?”
He scoffed but didn’t look at me when he answered.
“I’m darkness, Maddie. Stay away from men like me. You’ll only
get hurt.”
~~~~
He was right. I did get hurt. When he didn’t return, I hurt. I
ached. I went through the motions of living, not feeling anything but
the heartache that threatened to cripple me. I wanted to yell at the
heavens for taking my baby’s father from me. For stealing the only man
I had ever loved. But I also wanted to give thanks. I had a tiny new
life growing within me. One to nurture and love. One that I was thankful
Ryder gave me. But as the world turned cold and brown leaves fell from
the trees, I still felt alone. Incomplete. I pleaded with God. I prayed
and cried. Still, Ryder didn’t return.
Now here I sat, waiting for news. Hoping to find Ryder. This was our
last attempt to find him before bad weather set in.
The
last attempt. Oh, God! I can’t do this. I can’t give up!
I
closed my eyes, squeezing them shut. The pain wouldn’t go away.
Would it ever?
“Where the hell is he?”
I jumped at Gavin’s voice, jerking my eyes open. I found him pacing
in front of a small fire, ignoring the smoke blowing his direction.
“Where in this godforsaken country is he?” he muttered again.
I stared off into the distance, not really seeing anything. It was
late and night had descended hours ago. The rain and sleet had stopped
so we were able to build a small fire to give us heat. Thick clouds
blocked the moon and stars, bringing with it a bitter chill but it could
have been sunny for all I cared.
Two hours ago I watched Cash ride away. He left for town loaded with
guns, ammo, and hope. Gavin had refused to leave me by myself or take me
closer to the city, adamant that my pregnancy changed everything. I
disagreed but there was no arguing with him.
So Cash went in alone, saying he could get closer to town without
extra people tagging along. I knew he was stealthy and had been inside
the prison camp before but I still worried about him. Anything could
happen. He could get caught or worse,
shot
. He
may not return to us either, another member of our small group lost.
Another life taken from me.
I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders as the cold seeped
further into my bones.
Would I ever be warm
again?
My sadness chilled me like no cold could.
“He should have been back by now,” Gavin mumbled under his
breath, talking more to himself than to me.
I tucked a hair behind my ear and let out a resigned breath. Gavin
might come across as tough but he was just as nervous about this trip as
I was.
If we couldn’t find Ryder this time…well, I
didn’t want to think about it.
“We can still make another trip to town if we don’t find him this
time,” I reasoned, hoping he would agree with me and put my mind at
ease.
He continued pacing but shook his head. “No, this is it.” He
slashed his hand through the air, cutting off my suggestion. “Winter
is going to be hard on everyone. I don’t want to leave the ranch for
too long. People are going to start starving, if they aren’t already.
They’ll become even more desperate for supplies. It’s gonna get
worse before it gets better. We can’t keep running to town, hoping to
find him. We’ve got to be realistic.”
I felt tears behind my eyelids. Staring into the fire, I placed a
hand over my stomach. The next few months loomed in front of me, a
pregnancy without Ryder. A new life without him.
How
could I do this?
“I miss him, Gavin,” I whispered. “I’m not sure how to go on.
What if he never comes back?”
I couldn’t bring myself to think of Ryder as dead. I couldn’t
even utter those words.
Gavin stopped pacing, the tension in his face disappearing. Sighing,
he sat down next to me. The log gave under his weight, making me lean
toward him. The warmth coming from him was appealing but I scooted away
to give him more room.
“Ryder will fight tooth and nail to get back,” he said. “Trust
me on that. The guy is stubborn as a mule.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of; he’s too stubborn. He never knows
when to quit. If he tried to fight his way out, he may not make it,” I
said.
“He’s strong and he’s smart. He’ll do what he needs to do to
survive.” He paused a second and stared into the fire. “I want you
to know that you’re not alone in this. I’m here and hurting as much
as you are. We’ll get through it together. Your baby will have a
family.”
My child might have a family but I didn’t want to think about him
or her growing up without a father. I knew from experience that having
only one parent was hard. I had done it for most of my life. I didn’t
want that for my child.
Gavin and I didn’t speak about it again. What more was there to say
anyway? Gavin was worried about his brother. I was worried about the
person who knew me better than anyone else.
I closed my eyes, listening to the fire crackle and pop. In my mind I
saw Ryder watching me. I felt his hands running over my hips, drawing me
closer. A single tear tracked down my cheek, followed by another.
I wanted him home.
I must have fallen asleep because when I woke, the fire was almost
out and the sun was rising on the horizon.
Somewhere nearby I heard the nicker of a horse. Gavin and I jumped
up, searching for the source of the sound. Gavin grabbed a shotgun lying
nearby, ready in case it was a threat instead of whom we hoped it would
be.
I stood still, waiting for the person to show themself. My limbs
shook. My heart beat too fast. I was both anxious and hopeful. This was
the moment I had been waiting on for. The moment I might see Ryder.
Cash walked into our makeshift camp, dragging his horse’s reins
behind him.
He was alone.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain that stabbed my heart,
leaving it in shambles.
He didn’t find
Ryder.
We waited anxiously as Cash tied the reins to a nearby tree. I could
see the exhaustion on his face and feel his despair. When his gaze found
mine, I saw sorrow.
No! Please, no!
“Cash?” Gavin asked, his voice cracking.
In the dwindling firelight, I saw Cash swallow hard. “I’m sorry,
Gavin.”
Through my tear-filled eyes, I watched as Cash stalked over to the
fire and stared intently into the dwindling flames.
My arms lay uselessly by my side. The muscles in my legs became
gel-like. Refusing to give into the grief, I wrapped my arms around my
middle and waited for Cash to say something. I was afraid to ask but I
needed to know. I just couldn’t put the words together.
Suddenly, he exploded. He started yelling, startling me.
“Sonofabitch! The fucking bastards!” He kicked dirt into the flames
with his heavy boots. “Pieces of shit dickheads!”
I watched in shock, frightened by his outburst. Cash was the reserved
one of the group. To see him like this was unnerving. Disheartening.
He ripped off his cowboy hat and flung it off into the distance,
frustrated. Putting his hands deep in his pockets, he stared at me
across the fire as his anger grew. In two strides, he was in front of
me, inches away. I stared up into his eyes and saw hate so powerful it
made me take a step back.
“I’m sorry, Maddie. You don’t deserve this shit. He should be
here with you and your baby. Not in the ground somewhere or in some
hellhole prison,” he said, spitting out each word.
“Back off, Cash,” Gavin said. “Settle down and shut up.”
“Hell no I won’t shut up! This is
shit
!
I’m tired of it!” He threw up his arms in a gesture of giving up and
walked away. Abruptly, he stopped and whirled back around. “What kind
of life is this anyway? We’re barely surviving! It’s winter and
we’re hanging on by a goddamn thread!”
I walked over to him, ignoring the burnt logs only inches from my
feet. “Did you see anything? Did you get
any
clue that he’s there?”
Cash glanced at me, his anger leaving. I saw his body deflate, almost
as if he was giving up.
“He’s dead, Maddie. I wished to God I didn’t have to tell you
that but he’s dead,” he said in a whisper that was as loud as a
shotgun going off.
No.
I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach and tightness squeeze my
chest.
“What?” Gavin croaked.
Without answering, Cash picked up a small log and threw it on the
fire. It crackled, sparks rising upward.
I took a step closer to Cash. At this distance, he would have no
choice except to look me in the eye when he answered my question.
“Is he really dead?” I didn’t want to say the words, but I had
to know.
When Cash’s eyes met mine, I saw my answer.
“Yes.”
I resisted the urge to put my hand on my stomach, protecting my baby
from the ugliness of the word. I refused to give into the urge to
collapse and never get back up.
“How do you know?” I asked, forcing the words out.
“I was able to get to the edge of town. It’s bad. Really bad,”
he said, running a hand over his face. “I…I don’t know how anyone
can survive in there.” He shook his head, looking bleak. “There was
no way I could get in so I decided to head back. As I was leaving, I met
up with a guy that escaped, barely getting out with his life. I showed
him the picture you gave me of Ryder. The man said he knew him. Said
Ryder was shot up pretty bad. He said he saw them dragging his body away
to bury it.”
His next words almost killed me.
“He’s gone.”
Grief was my constant companion. I knew nothing except sorrow.
Four weeks passed. I survived. I lived. But I was half a woman.
Bitter temperatures set in, wrapping cold, icy fingers around us. The
days were bleak and the nights were frigid. Each evening we huddled
around a fire, wrapped in layers of clothes, listening intently to the
shortwave radio. We held our breaths, waiting for news of the war.
Hoping for a moment of peace in the terror around us.
But it never came.
The enemy grew, invading the border states and moving inward.
Americans fought, both young and old, losing their lives seeking to
regain their freedom. How many died, we didn’t know. I’m not sure
anyone knew.
We were weak. How could we fight without power? Without
communication? The EMP that was dropped on the U.S. months ago crippled
the country and left us at the insurgent’s mercy. We had returned to
the days of old when men worked with their hands, defended their family,
and fought for their freedom. Nothing was easy anymore. Dying was more
common than living. Malnutrition was spreading along with starvation and
diseases. Our country was in ruins.
At the ranch we were safe from the fighting. We all crowded into
Janice and Roger’s home, conserving our heat, sharing our supplies,
and making us more secure against outsiders. For us, sticking together
meant survival. We learned early on that there was safety in numbers. We
became a well-oiled machine, each of us knowing our part in surviving.
We were crowded but we were safe. That’s all that mattered.
