Promise Me Light (4 page)

“She’ll talk,” I said with more conviction than I felt. I
needed my closest friend. Ryder was gone. Gavin wasn’t the same. I was
desperate to have Eva back.

“Maybe we should just leave her alone,” Brody said, looking as if
the words hurt him to say.

“No. This has gone on long enough,” I retorted.

Before he could argue, I hurried down the hallway, anger quickening
my stride. I was angry with Brody. Angry at Ryder for getting shot and
not returning to me. Angry with Eva for not being the same girl I once
knew.

I found her in the spare bedroom, huddled in a chair and staring out
the rain-splattered window.

“Eva, Brody said you’re not talking. What’s wrong?” I asked,
striding into the room and stopping in front of her.

Eva took a deep breath and let it out with resignation. Wrapping her
arms around her slender middle, she continued to stare outside, ignoring
me.

The Eva I knew wouldn’t sit around and stare into space like this.
She would’ve laughed at what happened to her and say
,
‘screw you, assholes!’
I had to pull her out of this before I
lost it and went crazy myself. That’s how desperate I was to have her
back.

“Eva,” I whispered, leaning over to catch her eye. “You’ve
got to snap out of this. Now.”

Nothing. Not a flicker of her eyes. Not even a turn of her head in my
direction.

I sighed and stared out the window. I could feel the chill from
outside, fogging the windowpane and making goose bumps race across my
skin. Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I rested my head against the
wall.

I closed my eyes and found Ryder. Smiling at me. Touching me. But
pain wrapped around my heart like it always did when I thought of him.
It squeezed, tore, and broke my heart in two. I bit the inside of my
lip, refusing to cry.
I can’t. I’ve cried so much. I
have nothing left in me.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and found Eva watching me. Her
eyes held sorrow but I saw something else in them. For a tiny second,
the rebel in her flared to life, threatening to rip me a new one for
being so weak. I held my breath, bracing myself for the snide remark I
actually wanted to hear. But she turned away, staring out the window
again.

I have to keep trying. Maybe push her a little
further.

“So I shot a squirrel today. Can you believe that? Never thought I
would say those words,” I said, forcing myself to smile. “You wanna
know what else I never thought I would say?”

I’m having Ryder’s baby
.

But I didn’t say the words. Instead, I walked over to the desk set
against the wall. The same desk I had sat at when I checked the dates
and discovered I was pregnant.

Papers were haphazardly tossed on top, some with drawings and others
with numbers and letters. My back stiffened when I saw Gavin’s long,
elegant handwriting. He had been using Ryder’s desk again, making
notes and drawing plans for future projects around the ranch. A handmade
plumbing system. A pickup that no longer ran converted into a wagon. A
supply list.

I know it was irrational but the thought of Gavin taking over
Ryder’s desk bothered me. Since returning home, Gavin had slowly
consumed everything of Ryder’s. He slept in Ryder’s house. Ate at
Ryder’s table. He wore some of Ryder’s clothes and even smelled like
Ryder. I hated him for it because it seemed wrong, as if Gavin had given
up on him. As if we all had given up on him.

I squashed down the anger and focused on Eva again.

“I miss him, Eva. I feel like I’m dying inside. I don’t know
what to do.”

When only silence answered me, tears filled my eyes and my chin began
to quiver. Eva always knew what to do and say. I needed that now. For
weeks, I thought I could pull her out of this haze she was lost in.
Everyone had tried but she just stared at us with a forlorn expression.
No one knew what had happened to her in the prison camp. It was driving
Brody mad, not knowing how to help her. For me, it was just another
wound in my heart, slowly killing me one day at a time.

Turning, I left her alone in the cold room. I needed to escape before
I fell apart. Before the sorrow caught me, dragging me down to that dark
place that I would never be able to leave. I felt despair so heavy, I
wanted to sit down and never get back up.

But I didn’t.

I forced my feet to move and my heart to beat. I told my lungs to
breathe and my mind to think. Every day, I forced myself to go on,
surrounded by people I loved but feeling more alone than I had ever felt
before.

I took a deep breath and straightened my spine. I still had a small
amount of inner strength left. The last thing I wanted was a bunch of
men to see me crying over something that I couldn’t change. I didn’t
want to give them any more ammunition to treat me with kid gloves. I
planned on pulling my own weight around here, despite having boobs and
missing a penis.

Brody and Cash glanced up at me as I walked into the kitchen, an
unspoken question on their faces.

“She’s not talking to me either,” I told Brody, feeling
hopeless.

He didn’t say anything at first. Crossing to the window, he stared
silently outside.

When he finally spoke, words exploded from him, angry. “How much
time is it gonna take? A week? A month? This is killing me! What did the
fuckers do to her?”

I had no response. I wish I did. I wish I could solve all of our
problems but that would take a miracle and miracles were in short supply
around here.

Glancing out the rain-splattered window, I didn’t see the wet, cold
world outside. I saw Ryder walking into the yard. An illusion. An image
I wished was real.
I’m always hoping and praying but I
never see him. He never returns.
I blinked and forced myself to
see the here and now.

“Is Gavin still outside?” I asked.

“He’s in the barn,” Cash answered. “But it’s raining cats
and dogs, Maddie. Just wait for him in here.”

Pulling the hood back over my head, I didn’t respond. I wasn’t
afraid of a little rain and I needed some fresh air anyway.

I was almost to the door when it flew open, pelting me with
raindrops. A big figure stood in the threshold. Tall and broad
shouldered, the man took up most of the doorway.

“Where’re you going?” he asked, looking at me from beneath a
dark hood. His eyes were hidden from view but I could feel them piercing
me with wariness.

For just a second, I saw Ryder standing in front of me. The hood
concealed his eyes and much of his face but his height matched Ryder’s
perfectly. I sucked in a breath, my heart racing out of control.

“Maddie?” Gavin asked, stepping inside.

I shook off the feeling, feeling guilty for imagining Gavin as
Ryder.

“I was going to look for you,” I said, backing further into the
room as he advanced toward me.

“You don’t need to go out there. The rain is turning into
sleet,” he said, giving me a once-over as he walked past. Sitting
down, he pushed his hood back and ran a hand through his black hair.
“The temperature’s dropping fast and everything will be frozen in
the morning. We’re gonna freeze our asses off tonight.”

The sound of sleet hitting the windows confirmed his words. The noise
made me feel colder and somehow more vulnerable.
We’re
at Mother Nature’s mercy.
It wasn’t a good place to be.

Sitting down across from Gavin, I tried to bury myself further into
the coat I wore - Ryder’s coat. It was too big for me, swallowing me
whole. And it still smelled just like him, a scent I hoped never
disappeared.

Two weeks ago the weather had turned cold. Texas winters could be
unpredictable, sometimes dumping ice or snow on its unlucky inhabitants.
Since we had left college abruptly, taking only what we could stuff in
our backpacks, we had only packed summer clothes. Now we were desperate
for warmer clothing. Eva and I raided the closets the morning we woke up
to freezing temperatures. Between the two of us, we had found enough to
last us all winter (if we wore things two or three days in a row).
There are so many things I miss. Clean clothing and adequate
heat being two of them.

I pushed the hood off of my head and tried to grab Gavin’s
attention but he avoided looking at me.
Something’s
wrong.

“What’s going on, Gavin? Cash mentioned something about plans,”
I said, grasping my hands tightly in my lap. I waited for the bad news.
Isn’t that all we ever got around here
anyway?

Gavin’s gaze snapped to Cash, irritation flaring in his eyes.
Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good.

Taking a deep breath, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the
table. Rubbing a hand over his face, he swore under his breath.

I waited, fidgeting in my seat, thinking that if he didn’t start
talking soon, I might reach across the table and shake it out of him.
When he finally spoke I almost wished he hadn’t.

“Winter is here and the weather may get worse. We decided…I
decided…to make one more run to town to look for Ryder. We leave in
three days.”

I sucked in a breath. Blood drained from my face.
They’re going after Ryder again!
I had lost track of
how many times they had rode away, hoping to find him but coming back
empty handed.
This time would be different. I just know
it.

Gavin must have seen the spark of hope in my eyes because he shook
his head, the corners of his mouth turning down.

“This is the last time, Maddie, at least until the weather starts
cooperating again.”

What? That could be weeks from now.

“If you don’t find him this time, you have to go back, Gavin. He
may not survive much longer. You know how he is. He’ll fight until
they kill him,” I said desperately.

Gavin sighed. “We can’t continue doing this, Maddie. We need to
face reality.”

I shook my head, refusing to listen. The reality was Ryder was coming
back. Sometime, somehow, he would return to me. I just knew it.

“You need to understand that we may never find him,” Gavin said,
his face grim. “He may be gone forever.”

Tears filled my eyes. Looking down at my lap, I swept them away, not
wanting anyone to see them. My eyes landed on the tiny holes in my
shirt. I picked at them, unraveling the threads like I was unraveling
inside.

“Gone forever? Hell, Gavin, could you be any colder?” Cash
grumbled, standing up and pushing his chair away.

Gavin jumped to his feet, his own chair hitting the wall behind him.
Suddenly, he was in front of Cash, scowling.

“What the hell do you want me to do, Cash? Lie to her? Tell her
that we will bring him home? That’s bullshit and you know it!” he
snapped, balling his hands into fists and taking a threatening step
forward.

Brody had been standing quietly on the sidelines, watching the drama
play out. But the tension pushed him over the edge. “Both of you shut
up! I’m tired of this shit!” he yelled.

Gavin’s body stiffened, ready to take Brody on too. “Stay out of
this, Brody. Go take care of Eva or something,” he said with
disgust.

“You got a problem with me? You wanna tell me what it is?” Brody
snapped.

“I’ll tell you what the hell my problem is. You’re a coward,
Brody. You sit around here and mope because your precious girlfriend
isn’t herself.
Hell
, of course she isn’t
herself. She spent weeks inside a prison camp full of men wanting to
kill Americans. She’s lucky to be alive, but all you can do is wish
she would be normal again!”

He got right in Brody’s face, spitting mad. “Wake up! All of us
need to
fucking
wake up! None of us are normal!
Cash lost his family. Maddie lost her dad. I lost my brother. I would
give anything to have Ryder home right now even if he never uttered
another word to me! At least then I would know he was alive.”

I flinched with each word, feeling his pain and mine.

Cash planted himself between Gavin and Brody, providing a solid wall
of strength. “Hey, man, cool it,” he said to Gavin. “Brody’s
just trying to take care of Eva. You would do the same thing if you had
a girlfriend.”

Gavin turned his attention to me. His gaze ran down my body quickly.
“Why are you still in wet clothes?” he scowled, walking around the
table to stand directly in front of me.

I stared at the floor, refusing to look at him. He reminded me so
much of Ryder that it hurt.

“Maddie?” he asked again when I didn’t answer.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Like a light coming on, the idea
brightened my mind.

“I’m going with you,” I said, looking up at him. I hoped he saw
the determination in my eyes and not the sorrow.

“Hell, no!”

“I’m a good shot. I can help,” I said, sticking my chin up and
daring him to disagree.

“Ryder would kill me.”

“Yeah, he will but I’ll follow you. You know I will. Either take
me with you or I’ll be right on your heels. Your choice.” I glanced
at Cash then back at Gavin. They looked at me like I was crazy. So did
Brody. I didn’t care. I was going.

“Sounds like the decision has already been made,” Cash muttered,
glancing at Gavin.

“Yeah, it has. I want to be there when you find him,” I said.

“
If
we find him,” Gavin added.

Those words crashed into me, almost knocking me off my feet. But
gravity kept me upright. Just like the hope I would never lose.