Promise Me Light (3 page)

~~~~

Now here I stood, yards from the same tree. Feet away from where he
caught me. Miles away from my best friend.

And I was the one worrying about him.

“Dead tree. Two o’clock,” Gavin whispered near my ear, bringing
me back to the present.

Without moving a muscle or turning my head, I glanced to the right.
Beneath the hood of my jacket, I could see a branch moving high in a
tree a few feet from me. It was bouncing more than swaying, the movement
caused not by the wind but by a small animal.

Ever so slowly, I raised my gun, careful not to make a sound.

“Easy,” Cash warned.

I could see him out of the corner of my eye, standing directly behind
me. I resisted the urge to grind my teeth.
These men
thought I was weak. They had a lot to learn.

I propped the gun on my shoulder. It was heavy, making my arms shake.
Looking down the barrel, I kept one eye opened as I peered down the
scope. A squirrel sat on the branch, eating a nut of some kind. I
didn’t believe in killing animals. I loathed the idea of taking
another life, but I was hungry. We all were.

My index finger slowly rested on the trigger, waiting for the right
moment to squeeze it.

“Now,” Gavin commanded, practically in my ear.

Without thinking twice, my finger pulled back. In a split second the
shot left the barrel, making the gun jump in my hands. A boom echoed
through the woods, loud and deafening.

Lowering the gun, I watched as dead leaves fell from the tree along
with a few pieces of bark.

“Hell, I think you hit the bastard,” Gavin muttered, slinging his
shotgun on his shoulder and taking long strides to the tree.

I watched as his heavy hiking boots crushed the dried leaves and dead
grass beneath his feet. Cash stayed next to me, always the guardian, as
Gavin bent down and picked something up from under the tree. He dangled
a medium-sized squirrel by the end of its furry tail.

“You hit it dead center. Killed it instantly,” he scoffed,
surprised.

“You didn’t think I could?” I asked, arching an eyebrow,
finding no humor in killing the animal.

“Not really,” he answered, stuffing the squirrel in an old burlap
bag he carried. “Guess my brother did a good job teaching you how to
shoot. Glad he at least left you with that.”

I felt the hurt, the pain that squeezed my heart at the mention of
Ryder. It had the power to bring me to my knees, make my body tremble,
and leave me with nothing but heartache. What Gavin didn’t know was
that Ryder had left me with so much more. He left me with his baby.

I fought back tears and watched as Gavin stalked toward me. I still
hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. I couldn’t. The words always
stuck in my throat, refusing to leave. For some reason, telling Janice
or Eva before I told Ryder felt final, as if I knew he wasn’t coming
back. I just wasn’t ready to face that. Someone might call me a fool
for not facing reality, but if reality didn’t include Ryder, I
didn’t want any part of it.

Refusing to let one tear fall, I focused on Gavin. His well-worn
jeans and flannel shirt were faded and dirty, but without a washing
machine, clean clothes had become a luxury, a thing of the past. We
tried to keep everything washed using creek water, but as the
temperature dropped, we had no way to dry our laundry. We were living
like my ancestors lived, washing clothes by hand and struggling to
survive in a harsh, hard world.

I tried not to think of what I’d left sitting in my apartment,
miles away. A closet full of expensive clothes that I’d spent
hard-earned money on. Perfectly cut jeans. Pretty dresses. High-heeled
shoes. Designer bags. Now all I had left were a few pieces of clothing
that Eva and I were forced to share. I tried not to dwell on the fact
that I was wearing dirty clothes that I’d slept in and worn day after
day.

There were so many
things
in my past life that
I thought made me who I was. Clothes. My phone. My car. My iPad. Things
I thought defined me. Now they were gone, taken from me in a blink of an
eye, nothing but a memory. None of it mattered anymore. All that
mattered was surviving.

Without Ryder.

It had been one month since the men returned without him. Pain
constantly tore at my chest. It never went away. I carried the heartache
with me at all times; it became a part of me, like my own arm or leg.
Most days I felt as if a giant building had collapsed on top of me,
leaving me trapped and desperate for air. I waited for someone to rescue
me and dig me out from under the weight of constant pain, but no one
came. Every day I tried crawling my way out of the rumble, cutting my
hands and leaving a trail of despair behind. But I never could see
daylight, only darkness.

No one knew how much I was hurting. I hid it well. I cried at night
but struggled to carry on during the day. Each moment without Ryder
chipped away at me. But there was still a small part of me that was
stubborn.
Carry on
, it whispered. So I
listened.

Stepping over a dead log, Gavin brushed against me, bringing me back
to harsh reality.

I glared at his back as he walked away, my sorrow forgotten for a
second. Opening my mouth, I was going to give him a piece of my mind but
thought better of it. He was hurting, just like the rest of us. Maybe
more so since it was his brother that was missing.

Letting out a sigh, I studied him as he stalked away. Gavin hadn’t
been the same since returning home. None of us were. He was no longer
Ryder’s easygoing, good-natured older brother. Now he was almost
impossible to get along with. He was hard and angry, short-tempered and
full of self-loathing. More like Ryder every day. Watching his own
brother shot and dragged away had changed Gavin. Hardened him.

I seemed to take the brunt of his anger. I wasn’t sure why and I
didn’t ask. I just dealt with it. We all had our own ways of dealing
with the grief. If taking it out on me helped him, so be it. I just
didn’t care anymore.

“You did good, Maddie,” Cash said, grabbing my attention.

Under the shadows of the trees, I peered over at him. His stance was
relaxed despite the pistol stuck in his belt, the knife strapped to his
thigh, and the shotgun held loosely in his hands. The man was an
arsenal. A lone soldier.

“Well, not everyone thinks I did good,” I muttered over my
shoulder as I started walking along the same trail Gavin had disappeared
down.

“Ignore Gavin,” Cash said, following close behind me. “I
do.”

Cash stuck next to me like glue, something he had been doing for
days. Even though I could shoot like a man and hit what I was aiming at,
these men would never let me out of their sight. It was irritating.

“Is that the first animal you’ve killed?” Cash asked in his
quiet voice.

I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat, memories invading my
mind. “No, that’s not the first living thing I’ve had to
kill.”

And it wasn’t. Months ago, I killed a man.
No, not
a man - an animal.
He had held me down and cut me, wanting to do
things to me that were unspeakable. Because of him, my dad was dead and
my mind would never forget the horror of that day. It would always live
with me.

I would never escape it.

My hooded jacket protected me as a light mist began to fall. With the
rain came a bitter cold that threatened to freeze everything in its
path. The dead leaves and downed branches had quickly become slick and
wet, forcing me to take my time and watch my step as we drudged through
the dense woods.

Suddenly a snap came from our left, sounding like a booted foot
breaking a branch in two. Cash grabbed my arm, stopping me from moving
another inch. My eyes cut to the direction of the noise, trying to see
through the trees. Cash stepped in front of me noiselessly, protecting
me from whatever was out there.

I slowly switched the safety off of my gun. The click sounded ominous
in the silence.

Cash raised his gun to his shoulder, his body rigid as he looked down
the barrel. After a second, I saw his body relax. Whatever it was, he
didn’t think it was a threat.

“Maybe it was an animal but keep your eyes open. It’s pretty
thick woods around here. Perfect for hiding,” he said.

I nodded. “Let’s go. I’m soaking wet and it’s eerie out
here.”

“Yeah. These woods give me the creeps,” Cash said. “I feel like
we’re being watched but
shit
, I always feel
like that.”

He chuckled but it held no humor. It was a rare sound
coming from him - or any of us. We didn’t smile and we rarely laughed.
There was nothing to be happy about. Ryder was gone and the world was
crumbling. We were low on supplies and winter was setting in. Soon, I
would have a baby without the one man I needed by my side. So no, there
would never be another reason to smile again.

We left the woods behind and entered the open field. I could see
Gavin far ahead, heading for Ryder’s home.
My
home.

Walking in silence for a few minutes, I stared off in the distance,
wondering what lay beyond the woods.
Only terror and
death? Was that all this new world had to offer us?
I thought
about Ryder, wondering where he was or if he was even alive.

“I want to know what happened that day,” I blurted out.

Cash glanced over at me, squinting his eyes against the sun. He knew
what I was referring to. There was only one day I cared about.

“Gavin told you the day we came back.”

I scoffed. “Gavin is overprotective. I know he didn’t tell me
everything.” I forced the next words out. “I’ve got to know. Maybe
it will help. I can’t go on like this, Cash. Living hurts.”

He glanced around, watching for trouble. “And dying is the easy way
out, Maddie.” His voice lowered, sending a shiver of apprehension
through me. “This war took something from each of us. I lost my family
and so did you. Nothing will help us deal with that except time. The
details of what happened won’t bring Ryder back.”

“I know. I just thought hearing the details might help me,” I
said, keeping my eyes on the ground as we started walking again.

“Gavin say anything to you about our plans?” Cash asked, changing
the subject.

“No. What plans?”

“Crap, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. I’ll let him tell
you,” Cash answered, avoiding my eyes.

Before I could ask any more questions, he walked ahead of me, leaving
me alone the last few yards to the house.

As I climbed the warped porch stairs, I avoided looking at the creek
running alongside Ryder’s home. A blush colored my cheeks when I
remembered being in that water with Ryder. He had held me next to him,
his hands running over my body. That was the moment he told me that he
loved me. The moment I would never forget.

I turned my back to the creek but I would never turn my back on the
memories. They forced me to get up in the morning. They followed me to
bed at night. They kept me company and were all I had left of Ryder. I
held each memory close to my heart, refusing to let go.

Opening the door, my eyes took a minute to adjust to the dimness of
the kitchen. I would never forget what it was like to walk into a room
lit up with lights. Bright, sunny, and welcoming lights. With the rain
outside, the house was dark and cold, not where I wanted to be right
now.

I set my shotgun on the table and watched as Cash took off his hat
and tossed it to a nearby chair. He looked as soaked and downcast as I
felt.

“Y’all get anything?” Brody asked, walking into the room with a
shortwave radio in his hand. Wearing layers of clothes, gloves with
missing fingers, and a stocking hat, he looked nothing like the
all-American athlete he once was. Now he looked like a refugee. A
survivor of war.

“We got a few squirrels. Didn’t see much else,” Cash said,
unloading bullets from his gun. He nodded toward the radio in Brody’s
hand. “You fix that thing?”

Brody set the little metal box on the table and let out a frustrated
sigh. “Yeah, it’s fixed. Little fucker gave me fits though. I’m
not sure how much longer we’ll have it.”

I saw the stress lining his face and the exhaustion he couldn’t hide.
I wondered if I looked the same.

“We’re in a shitload of trouble without that thing,” Cash said,
motioning to the radio as if it were a thing of disgust.

We had a love/hate relationship with the shortwave. It brought
nothing but bad news. But without it, we had no knowledge of what was
happening in the outside world. We wouldn’t have known how strong the
enemy had become. We wouldn’t have heard about the number of people
left homeless or the urging for citizens to ration food and water. The
news about Washington falling wouldn’t have reached us nor the names
of political figures killed. No, we hated the radio but it was our link
to the world, reminding us of how terrible a place the United States had
become.

But one thing I had learned over the last few months was to tackle
one problem at a time, and forget what I couldn’t change. Right now,
there was one concern on my mind that I could face.

“How is she, Brody?” I asked him, pushing the wet hood off of my
head.

“Today’s a bad day.”

I looked away from the pain I saw in his eyes. Brody loved Eva with
all of his heart but even love wasn’t enough sometimes. Eva had come
back from the terrorists’ makeshift prison camp a different person.
She had suffered only minor injuries but most of her wounds were
internal, something we would never see and couldn’t help heal.

“I’ll go talk to her,” I said, heading out of the kitchen.

“She hasn’t said a word to me today,” Brody said sadly.

His words stopped me, piercing my heart. Eva had been a carefree girl
with a smart-ass attitude, never afraid to speak her mind. Now, she
hardly spoke and was just a shell of what she once was.