Promise Me This (11 page)

Jessie

The ride home had been quiet. Nate was struggling with some heavy-duty demons and nothing I had to say seemed to have made any impact, so I left him alone with his thoughts.

All the pieces of Nate had come together for me. The way he’d been with girls. The reason he didn’t allow himself to see them as real, or feel anything with them.
Kissing is intimate.
My fingers traced over my swollen lips. Hell yeah, it’s intimate.

Nate sought out thrill-seeking activities, like skydiving, to feel emboldened and alive. He was so closemouthed about his family and tensed whenever his brother, Luke, had been around. But Luke seemed so opposite of Nate, he grappled way less, was probably half the person Nate was.

He was afraid of what I thought of him, that much was evident. Maybe he was terrified that I’d let his secret out, tell the guys about him. But that would never happen.

I caught him staring at my profile a bunch of times on the trip back, like he was studying me. I wish he’d just talk to me.

“Nate,” I finally said, finding my voice. “For whatever it’s worth, my weekend away with you . . . was amazing. Thank you for that.”

I didn’t look at him, but I saw him squeeze his eyes shut in my side view.

“What we did . . . what we shared,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Was so much more than some bite marks on my shoulder. And I’m glad I really got to know you.”

His gaze swung to mine, his eyes heavy with sorrow at the mention of the bites. I knew then that he wouldn’t be able to see beyond the marks.

“I’m pretty sure if we lifted up your shirt, you’d see evidence of what my teeth did to you as well,” I said, and his breath caught.

“That . . . that’s different,” he said. “I weigh more and I’m stronger than you. I could have . . . I could have . . . easily overpowered you.”

“But you
didn’t
, Nate,” I said, gripping my fingers so hard, they turned white on the steering wheel. “You didn’t. No chance. I wasn’t afraid of you. I’m still not.”

The car fell silent again; the only noise was the whooshing wind as the landscape flew by. And this is how I knew that Nate was in complete and utter turmoil. His knee wasn’t jiggling and his fingers weren’t drumming. He was motionless, the way I now knew he got when things were heavy and he was trying to keep the pieces of himself together.

After another mile marker, I said, “I’ll always be here for you . . . if you need a friend.”

I wanted him to know that things didn’t have to change between us, even though they already had.

I’d have to get over how it felt to be with him, having his hands and mouth all over me. Rough and tender at the same time. I wanted to tell him, to make him see that I loved experiencing all the dimensions of him. How, depending on what angle you looked at him, you saw a different side.

When I got to his apartment building he breathed a sigh of relief, like he didn’t have to hold his discomfort in any longer. My heart was in my throat as I tried to swallow away my melancholy.

He gripped the door handle and I was determined to not allow this to feel so damn awkward. “Thank you, Nate, for everything. My photography project is going to rock.”

Suddenly he turned and met my gaze. His eyes were warm and sad at the same time. “Jess, please don’t think . . . I never meant . . .”

We stared at each other for long moments. I wanted to fill in the blanks for him, but instead I gave him the opportunity to do it himself. At least I prayed he would.

His fingers reached toward me and his firm hands cupped my face. I sucked in air as his lips hovered closer to mine. “It’s never been that way with any other girl.
Ever
.”

He brushed his lips across mine and my entire body prickled in response.

“You did something to me . . . brought something out in me,” he whispered. “Something I need to figure out. Something I liked doing. But also something I . . . loathe about myself.”

“Maybe . . .” I tried to get the words out as he stared so intently into my eyes. “Maybe it was the very thing you needed.”

I took a deep breath as he went still. “Maybe it only scared you because you never felt it before. Had the
freedom
to feel it before.”

“Fuck!” he said and then crushed his lips to mine in a bruising and all-consuming kiss. One that I felt to the very depths of my heart. His tongue traced over my teeth and gums and the roof of my mouth, tasting me everywhere, as if savoring it one last time.

Then he dragged his mouth away, shoved the door open and fled the car.

Nate practically sprinted to his apartment building without once turning around and I was left there, reeling and out of breath from that damn kiss.

Jessie

For the next twenty-four hours, I could still feel him on me. The raw stiffness everywhere on my body, especially between my legs, where his lips had tugged at my skin. I liked that I could sense him and I despised it too, because it was a reminder of what I could never have again. At least not like that. But I’d probably take him any way I could, even as a friend.

I ran my fingers across my swollen lips in an effort to re-experience where his mouth had been. I had Nate on top of me and inside me and it was excruciating to think about when I’d even get the chance to see him again. Normally I saw glimpses of him around campus, at the bar, or in the shop—but if he was going to avoid me, which I suspected, we would probably be apart for even longer.

I took a lengthy shower and then headed to the university darkroom to develop some rolls of film. I needed to know what I was working with, which shots came through, in order to further formulate the photography project in my head.

The college had darkrooms for our private use, but students had to have authorization to use them. We kept a log in case someone got careless and mixed up compounds or forgot to clean up after themselves.

The university afforded the space, equipment, and chemicals, and we provided our own photography paper, which could get pricey, so I tried to use it sparingly. I surrendered my student ID to the guy working the desk and then closed the darkroom door behind me.

I snapped on my latex gloves and got to work preparing the three trays that would house the developer, stop bath, and fixer, keeping the checklist of procedures in my head for safe chemical use. You weren’t allowed to use the darkrooms unless you’d already taken a couple of prerequisite courses and those classes were heavy on proper practices and hazardous waste disposal. I was already used to safety procedures at Raw Ink, working around needles all day, so that this part came natural to me.

I shut off the overhead switch and clicked on the safelight, which had a soft amber glow. I loved the solitude and quiet of working in the darkroom, producing images with my own hands, determining exposure level and size—it was all so satisfying.

This visit I’d decided to do a sample of black-and-white prints first. It was my favorite format because of the contrast they revealed between faint and vivid tones.

It was my father’s favorite as well—he loved vintage photos in general—and he taught me early on that if you didn’t balance the exposure properly, the light overwhelms the darkness and essentially ruins the shot.

He always expressed his opinions or made arguments using photography terminology. Even in that beach memory that I’d shared with Nate on the car ride up—the one he seemed so moved by—my father used lightness and darkness as a metaphor.

And while that was a favorite memory of mine—inspiring me to have my father’s words inked into my skin—for Nate, the message spoke to something different inside him. I knew it in the way he’d responded up on that bridge when I’d felt his tender lips brushing over my tattoo, over my sensitive skin. Just thinking about it made my stomach quiver all over again.

I snapped my mind back into gear, working efficiently since I knew that by the time I cleaned up the chemicals and tidied my workspace, my appointed hour would be up.

I pulled the proof sheet from the tray of fixer after allowing it to rest in the solution for the allotted time. Then I turned on the overhead light to examine my work, and damn, the snapshots I had taken over the weekend were pretty darn good.

I zeroed in on photo after photo of Nate. In my memory, I categorized them into two groups: before and after shots.

The before shots were the first snaps, the ones taken by the pond and covered bridge. They were the ones I took when we first arrived in his hometown. A sadness and restlessness was infused in his very being in all of the photos, no matter how much he’d mugged for the camera.

It made me wonder just what had gone down with his father in that childhood home, how much damage he’d caused that family. I shivered involuntarily at the thought. If Nate was that affected, I wondered what his mom had been through. Compared to my mother, who was so strong and self-assured, Nate’s mom might be a mess.

I had already seen glimpses of Nate’s brother, Luke, and now as I put the whole of it together, I got why Nate had called him a prick. You hear about the cycle of abuse and his brother unfortunately might be evidence of that. He was cocky with an almost mean edge—one I originally saw as coming from a life of privilege.

Now I tuned into the other photos. The
after
shots. The ones I took of Nate up on the railroad bridge, after spending the night wrapped in his arms. To me, the evidence was plain in his eyes. He looked different—relaxed, content, free.

I wondered if he’d ever be able to see that in himself.

The problem was, Nate’s kinky urges had married with his constant wicked thoughts of himself, which made this way complicated. He was convinced his dark was overshadowing everything.

But I knew without a shred of doubt that there were insurmountable amounts of light in him to give.

Right then I’d decided on something. Something important I needed to do.

***

After the darkroom, I headed to Raw Ink for my shift. I was immediately greeted by Cory who was walking his client out the door.

“How was your weekend away, Jess?” he said, turning to me after he waved good-bye. “Were there any handcuffs or bungee jumping involved?”

I held in a gasp. He never shared details of his weekends with me, so I knew he was only messing around, but his comment had hit too close to home.

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be an ass.”

I looked over at Emmy who wiggled her eyebrows.

I laid down my bag. “You guys are impossible.”

Bennett emerged from the back room with a customer. She was older, wore a bandage concealing her wrist and a set of dreamy eyes that plenty of Bennett’s female customers wore for him. But he was oblivious to it or maybe just good at ignoring it. Avery didn’t know how lucky she had it.

Emmy rang the customer out while I pulled off my jacket.

Bennett leaned over the counter. “You good?”

“Yep.”

“Nate show you all the right places?”

Oh, he showed me all right
, I wanted to say.

“Yeah, I got some cool shots,” I said, figuring I’d get tired of everyone’s questions by the end of my shift. The hazard of having co-workers that felt like family. “There were so many bridges.”

He nodded. “He said your car got a flat?”

Emmy’s eyes snapped up to mine.

“A leak. Got it plugged,” I said, surprised Bennett had that information. “It would’ve sucked had he not been with me.”

“Yeah, he said as much.”

“Did he give you a play-by-play?” I tried to not to make my voice sound strained.

“No. That was it,” Bennett said and I blew out a breath. “Why, is there something else I should know?”

Just then Avery walked in with her blue scrubs, and saved me from answering him. She was on rotation at the university hospital and whenever she and Bennett finished work at the same time, they walked home together.

Bennett slid his arms around her waist and gave her a quick but intimate kiss on the lips. Then he whispered something in her ear and she giggled.

Emmy sighed as she passed by me at the desk. “I want my very own Bennett,” she mumbled near my ear.

Avery waved to us as they headed out the door. But then she stopped and turned. “Hey, did you get the invite from Ella to Quinn’s birthday thing?”

There had been a couple of voice mails on my phone that I hadn’t exactly checked yet. I blamed it on my mopey mood. I shook my head. Ella was Avery’s friend and she dated Quinn, the catcher for the TSU baseball team. We all hung out sometimes and I went on that road trip with them last summer to the music festival.

“She’s rented some lanes at the bowling alley,” Avery said. “Beer and wings. Should be fun.”

“When?” I asked.

“The weekend after next,” she said. “Kai’s coming up for it.”

“I bet Rachel’s happy.”

Avery smiled. “Hopefully she can keep her hands off of Kai until after the party.”

“Wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t,” I said and Emmy agreed, with a knowing grin. Kai was like sex on a stick, with his long hair, beautiful face, and pierced parts.

“We’ll be there, right, Emmy?”

“Right,” she said.

As Avery and Bennett headed out the door, Emmy stood staring at me.

“What?”

“Out with it,” she said. “What happened this weekend with Nate?”

“He took me to see some covered and industrial bridges,” I said. “It was really cool and I got some great photos.”

When I moved behind her to look at the schedule, she latched onto my arm. “What about the flat tire?”

“Yeah that,” I said. “It was too late to find somewhere to get it fixed. Every place was closed. So . . . we had to stay overnight.”

“You’re kidding,” she said, her eyes wide. “Where the heck did you sleep?”

I couldn’t help wondering what in the hell Nate had told Bennett about our sleeping arrangements. Somehow I doubted he’d told him about staying in the same room or having sex with me. Bennett didn’t act strange in front of me and besides, what I knew from Nate, he wasn’t one to kiss and tell.

Emmy nudged me. “Earth to Jessie.”

I shook my head. I didn’t even know how Emmy and I had ended up being such close friends. Emmy was one of those bubbly girls who could’ve easily been a college cheerleader or a sorority pledge or something.

Seems the only thing that had brought us together was this shop. She didn’t exactly fit here and she knew it, but the guys had grown to love her. And so did I.

“We got a motel room, which sucked because not only did I have to pay for the service garage, I also had to pay to sleep somewhere.” Emmy knew how tight money was and that I didn’t take handouts from anybody very easily.

“Well crap,” she said. “Did you at least have fun?”

I couldn’t stop the smile that had formed on my lips.

“Shut up,” she said.

“What?”

She lowered her voice, which I so appreciated, because if there was any shop gossip, Dex, who was sitting only one room away, was on it. It was awkward enough being around him sometimes. “You and Nate?”

I sighed. “Kinda sorta.” No way was I going to share all the glorious details. They were still confusing to me.

Besides, I had some insane need to protect Nate and keep his insecurities private. “We drank at a place next to the motel to kill time. It was some country bar,” I said, smiling. “We had a blast. I got to know Nate better in the process.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said, trying not to squirm at the memory of being so close to him. “Turns out he’s not so square, after all. Or even that shallow.”

Emmy just stared at me.

“In the morning, we got my tire fixed and before we left town, he took me to this old abandoned railroad bridge,” I said, the explanation not really doing it justice. “We climbed up the side of it and it was amazing. I got so many shots up there.”

“And?”

“And that’s it.”

Just then Oliver, the owner of Raw Ink, came from the back office. “Hey, Jess. Isn’t your shift over, Emmy?”

“Yep, I’m going,” she said, reaching for her bag beneath the counter. Oliver was a stickler about clocking in and out on time.

He wandered toward the other side of the room near Dex’s station where he was prepping his next client for a wrist tattoo.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me if anything happened between you guys,” Emmy whispered.

I knew Emmy would bug me for days on end if I didn’t tell her something. She was a good secret keeper, though, and I kind of felt like I needed to confide in someone.

“We . . . kissed,” I mumbled. “A lot.”

Her hand slammed over her mouth to hold in her shocked giggle.

“How was it?”

I sighed. “It was really good.”

“Are you afraid it’s going to be awkward between you now?”

“Kind of yeah, so please don’t say anything.”

“Of course not,” she said. “But do you think you and Nate might do it again?”

“This is Nate we’re talking about,” I said, nearly cringing at the words. “He doesn’t repeat hookups, you know that.”

“Yeah, but he also hasn’t had the Jessie effect before.”

“The Jessie effect?”

“Kissing an amazingly cool, strong and beautiful girl with tattoos,” she said. “The Jessie effect. How many guys have had their tongues wagging for you?”

I shook my head and grinned. Didn’t I wish it were that easy?

“I’m out of here.” Emmy waved and headed out the door.