Providence (35 page)

I pulled away from his grip and opened the door. Jared pulled me back into his arms and kissed me again. Once I felt the tears streak down my cheeks I pushed him away, but he kept me against him. I finally had to shove him again and again until he finally let go so that I could get through the door.

The steps to my room were endless. I stayed focused on my mission, refusing to fall apart. Jared had said it himself that he was willing to give up everything for me, including his family…and I couldn’t let him do that. I couldn’t let the Ryels get hurt because of me, whether it was physically or from losing Jared. I couldn’t look Jared in the eye if he lost another person in his family because of the mistakes of my father.

I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ears before I opened the door. Beth sat at her computer.

“And she’s home!” Beth said excitedly, spinning around in her desk chair. Her tone quickly changed when she saw my face. “Oh my God, Nina! What’s wrong?”

“Jared and I are over,” I murmured, changing into my pajamas. I wanted to sleep. It was the only thing that would alleviate the wrenching pain in my ribs.

“Didn’t you meet his mother tonight? What happened?”

“All hell broke loose,” I replied, scrubbing my face in the sink.

“Ugh! Why can’t Hell stay where it’s at? Why does it always have to break loose?” she whined.

I tried to smile at her, but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. I couldn’t tell her the truth and I didn’t want to lie. “It just wasn’t working.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve been talking about forever with this guy.”

I looked up at the vent in the ceiling and then back to Beth. “It’s the only way I know how to save him.”

Beth grew quiet. “Save him from what?”

“Me.”

Chapter Sixteen

The Arrangement

“Just keep walking,” Beth said, coaxing me into class.

Jared stood against the wall beside the door. He didn’t speak or approach me; he only watched as Beth led me in. My chest ached at the exhausted look in his eyes. He hadn’t slept.

Day after day, Jared continued to wait at the doorway of any place necessary for me to enter. By the end of the week I would feel a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I was coming or going. Sometimes he watched me walk past, sometimes he kept his eyes to the ground, but he was always there.

The second week was more difficult than the first. Jared still waited for me in random places on campus, and my friends began to ask questions. Ryan guessed there was trouble and proceeded to grill me about the details. I was glad that he noticed it was too painful to discuss, and let me suffer in silence.

Jared’s eyes darkened from midnight blue to black each time he saw Ryan walking happily beside me. It was unfair to let his worst fear play out in front of him, and I regretted not explaining to him the night I ended things that he would never have to suffer through that. I couldn’t be with someone else knowing that I could never truly love them the way I should, least of all Ryan. He deserved someone’s whole heart, and I had left mine with Jared.

Ryan knocked on my door every day, several times a day to visit or walk me to class, and I welcomed the company. It was easier to function when I was around him; he became my main distraction from all things Jared. Any obligation I felt for him had disappeared. As more time passed, I realized it wasn’t just him; I didn’t feel anything around anyone. I concentrated so hard on keeping Jared from sensing my grief that I felt numb most of the time.

By the second week of April, I had learned to keep my emotions in check. Kim, Beth and I passed Jared on our way into the Ratty and as usual, but I couldn’t get quite past him without my eyes involuntarily glancing in his direction. When I did so, his eyes caught mine and for the first time in a month, he reached out and firmly pulled my arm, bringing me just inches from his face.

Beth and Kim stood a few feet away. They didn’t protest, but they didn’t leave me alone. I assumed they thought they might get an insight on the strange situation with Jared if they stuck around to eavesdrop.

I stood in front of him, obstinately silent.

Jared scanned my face in confusion. He didn’t speak so I took a step toward the door. He pulled me back.

His sweet scent floated around me and my chest tightened. Feeling something other than hollow sent a wave of panic over me and I lashed out at him. “What do you want, Jared?”

He winced at my acerbic tone. “I’ve been patient. I’ve given you space. But it’s time we talked.”

I pulled my coat from his grip. “You haven’t given me space! You’re everywhere.”

“I thought maybe you’d break down and talk to me. This has to stop, Nina,” he said, working to stay calm.

“You’re right. This has to stop. You can do your job without being in my life. You’ve done it before.”

Jared pulled up my hand, viewing his ring still firmly in place. “If you don’t care about me, then why are you so adamant in keeping your promise?”

“It’s still a promise…no matter who it’s to,” I said, pulling my hand away. My wrist ached at the remaining warmth from his grip.

“That ring will be slightly inconvenient when you get married one of these days, don’t you think?”

“I can take it off if you’d like,” I shrugged.

Jared’s shoulders relaxed and the exhaustion set in. “Don’t act like you’re not hurting over this.”

“I…,” I should have lied to him and told him I was fine, but I couldn’t. The grief in his eyes was unbearable, so I retreated to the Ratty.

Jared’s hand shot out and grabbed the sleeve of my coat again, but this time I turned and jerked my arm down and away, and then yanked the door open. Beth and Kim quickly followed.

I sat between Ryan and Tucker, quietly picking at my food.

“Nina, you don’t eat much anymore,” Ryan said. “You look like you’ve lost some weight. I’m starting to worry about you.”

“I’m fine,” I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes and threw his french fry to his plate. “I know you’re fine. You’ve been fine for a month.”

“I’m fine!” All eyes in the room seemed to dart in my direction, looking for the source of the commotion. I stood and walked out, leaving my tray on the table.

I stormed past Jared and walked straight to my dorm, deciding to skip my afternoon class. Concentrating so hard on being void of any emotion took up so much of my energy that I tended to take naps more often than not. I rolled into a ball under my blanket and cleared my mind. Before long, I drifted off.

I woke to a knock at the door. It was dark; I had been asleep for hours. My muscles felt heavy and congealed, so I waited for Beth to answer.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked the visitor in a hushed voice.

“Is Nina here?” Ryan asked, peering around her.

“She’s sleeping,” Beth whispered.

“No, I’m up. Come in, Ryan,” I said.

Ryan stepped across the room, and I bounced when he plopped onto my bed. “You need to pull yourself together.”

“Shut up, Ryan,” I said, wiping the inevitably smeared mascara from my eyes.

He pressed his thumb gently under my eye to fix a place that I missed. “We’re going out. I want you to come with us.”

I shook my head. “No thank you. I don’t….”

“I know you don’t want to, Nina. You never want to do anything. But you need to,” he said, flattening the parts of my hair that were out of place. “Things suck right now. You’re miserable, we all see it, but maybe if he thinks you’re happy he’ll back off.”

I looked up at him. “What?”

“I just meant that he’s probably hanging around because he’s worried about you. You look so unhappy. If he thought you were okay without him…maybe he’d let you live your life.”

I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him tightly to me, and then scrambled across the room to pull on my jacket.

“Walk with me,” I said, holding the door open.

He raised an eyebrow and stood up reluctantly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m perfect, let’s go,” I said, hurrying him out the door.

I pulled him along by his hand, dragging him to the parking lot. When we got to my car, Ryan paused. “We’re going somewhere?”

“Just get in.”

He didn’t move. “You’re weirding me out, Nigh."

“Please?”

“Will you tell me where we’re going, first?”

“Some place we can talk. Just…trust me,” I said, aware that I seemed completely insane.

“Nina, I trust you. I just think you’re not yourself these days.”

“If you trusted me, you would be in the car by now.” I slid into the driver’s seat and waited. After a few moments, Ryan opened the door and sat beside me. I smiled at him and touched his hand. “Thank you.”

Ryan offered a half smile and squeezed my hand, holding it tightly the entire trip to my parents’ home. When we pulled into the drive, he let go.

“Whoa,” he said under his breath.

I turned off the ignition and searched each window for any sign of Cynthia, but the house was dark. Ryan followed me up the stairs to my father’s office, and I closed the door behind him. He looked around, clearly nervous.

“Can we talk, now?” he asked. When I nodded, he let out a loud, frustrated sigh. “What the hell’s going on with you, Nina? I’m serious…you’re starting to worry me. I wish you would let me help you.”

I closed my eyes in relief and whispered as quietly as I could. “There is something you can do.”

Ryan leaned in, keeping his voice low like mine, “Just name it.”

I kept my eyes closed, cringing at my coming request. “It’s really…really selfish. It’s horrible. It’s the worst thing I could ask of you, but I think it’s the only thing that will work. It’s the only way he’ll move on.” I peeked up at him, already fearful of his response.

“This is about Jared?” he said.

I nodded.

“Okay, let’s hear it.”

“I….” Ryan’s hopeful expression made me hesitate. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it, even if he agreed.

“Nigh, don’t be a pain in the ass. Just say it,” he said, staring me down.

“I need you to date me,” I breathed, barely above a whisper.

Ryan’s face instantly compressed. “What? Why are you whispering?”

I ignored his last question. “I need you to date me. You know, take me on dates, to the movies, eat lunch with me, walk me to class…and hang out with me in the evenings.” I forced a contrived smile. “I’ll pay.”

“You need me to date you,” he repeated in monotone.

“Jared has it in his head that you and I belong together,” I said. Ryan’s face morphed into suspicion. “Just…trust me. That’s what he thinks, and the only way he would ever accept that I was moving on is with you. He said once that he would step aside if I chose you. It’s just for a few months—just until he gives up—and then you don’t have to do it anymore,” I begged.

Ryan chuckled, taking in my ludicrous idea. “I won’t have to do it anymore? You know this is better than anything I could have ever hoped for, right?”

“Ryan….” Afraid he would be offended and decide not to help me, I hesitated, “I have to be honest with you…we will always be friends. I care about you, but I can’t let you go into this thinking it’s going to end up being something more. We’ll just be pretending. I can’t… I don’t see myself being with anyone else. Ever,” I exhaled, glad that part of the conversation was over.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Why go through the charade? Why not just get a protective order?”

I looked down to my hands. “He’s just following me around because he knows I still love him.”

Ryan didn’t expect my answer, and his nose wrinkled in response. “If you still love him, then why aren’t you with him?”

I crossed my arms. “Are you going to help me or not?”

“Josh is going to think I’m crazy.”

I shook my head. “You can’t tell anyone. Not Kim, not Tucker or Josh, not your mom. If you tell anyone, even just one person, he’ll find out.”

“Is he FBI or something?” Ryan said, looking a bit creeped out. “What did you get yourself mixed up in, Nigh?

“Will you do it for me? I know it sounds crazy, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’re the only one that can help me,” I said, tugging desperately at his shirt.

“Pretend to be your boyfriend? Lie to all my friends? Let you break my heart when it’s all said and done?”

I nodded sheepishly.

“Sure,” he said, smiling.

I wasn’t sure if the tears came from the fact that Ryan had agreed to help me, or that my plan would work, but I grabbed him and hugged him to me as if I needed him to breathe. He hugged me back, and then pulled away, looking into my eyes.

“I’m going to regret this. I can already tell,” he said, smiling softly.

We drove back to Brown, and as we walked from the parking lot, Ryan took my hand. “If we’re going to do this, we should do it right, right? No one is going to believe us if we never touch.”

“Right.”

I struggled to keep my emotions in check as we walked down the halls of my dorm. Jared could see us and I fought against the guilt I felt for hurting him. If I was going to fool him at all, I would have to concentrate on feeling comfortable and happy with Ryan.

We stopped at my door and Ryan let go of my hand. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us tonight?”

After I nodded, Ryan leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth. I let my feelings for him as a friend bleed through the awkwardness so Jared wouldn’t be tipped off. I smiled at him as he turned to walk down the hall.

Over the next weeks, Ryan kept me busy going to the movies, meeting for lunch, and accompanying me to dinner. We spent time together every night, and shared a table at breakfast every morning. He even began to forgo plans with his friends. Soon, everyone was convinced that we were having a not-so-secret relationship.

It was uncomfortable for both of us at first, but after the first week we settled into our new roles. Ryan made a game of it, as he did everything else. We bet on how soon someone would ask us to announce our relationship, and who it would be.

Our friendship grew stronger as the days past, and I began depending on him for more than fooling Jared. Ryan anesthetized the pain, and it wasn’t long before I found myself making excuses to be around him.

The day finally came that I had bet that Kim would ask what our status was. I made a show of stretching my legs across Ryan’s lap.

“Cheater,” Ryan whispered, too low for anyone else to hear.

“Okay. Are you guys together or not?” Kim asked.

Ryan grinned at me and I lifted all five of my fingers, reminding him that he owed me fifty bucks. Ryan shook his head at my gloating and then scanned the table. Everyone waited eagerly for the answer.