Pulse - Part Four (The Pulse Series) (2 page)

"Don't even bother." I point directly at Nathan's receptionist as I scoot past her on my way to his open office door. 

"Ms. Ross, he's not…" her voice trails behind me just as I reach the doorway.

"Jessica?" The surprise in his tone is unmistakable. "What are you doing here?"

Normally I'd take offense at his reaction to my showing up unannounced at his office, but seeing how I almost decked him alongside Drew at the bar two nights ago, I can't blame him for the question.

"Come in." He motions towards one of the chairs in front of his desk as he closes the door. "I need to be in a meeting in a few minutes."

"We do this now, or we don't do it." I don't move my gaze from the bank of windows behind his desk. I haven't slept more than an hour since I saw him with Drew at the bar. If I don't get answers now I'm going to cease to be responsible for my actions. Call it a plea of temporary insanity or better yet, a plea of sanity. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to torture these two bastards after what they did?

I don't make eye contact with him as he picks up his desk phone and punches three keys. "Cancel the rest of my day." I feel his gaze burning into me as he pauses before continuing, "I don't give a shit, just do it." He slams the phone down before sitting in front of me on the edge of his desk.

"Why?" It's really the one and only question I have.

"Why what?" His tone is even and controlled. He's not going to make this easy for me.

I pull my eyes up the lapel of his navy suit jacket before settling on his icy blue eyes. "Why do this to me? Why?"

"Do what?" he chirps back.

I run my hands over my face trying to erase the distress from my expression. "Seriously?"

"What you heard at the bar was out of context." Naturally, he'd say that to me. It's what any good lawyer says to someone when they're trying to win a case. The only problem is that this case is my life and he's already fucked it up so badly that I can't tell up from down anymore.

"I heard you say that you fucked my sweet little body," I sneer as the words leave my lips. I've replayed those five words in my mind repeatedly every second since I first heard him say them. "You talked to him about fucking me." I point my finger into my own chest as if to distinguish my body from all of the hundreds of others he's fucked over the years.

"Jessica." He takes a heavy swallow. "None of this was about you."

It couldn't sting more if he would have slapped me directly across my face. "It was all about me."

He drops to one knee now, trapping my body in the chair. There's nothing floating in the air between us this time but bitter anger and resentment. Anything his body may be trying to convey to me is being swallowed by my loathing for him. "It was about Cassie."

"Cassie?" I parrot her name back. "You fucked me because of Cassie?"

He shakes his head and I watch his eyes skirt over my body. "I fucked you because I can't get enough of you. I want you more than anyone. I've told you all this."

"Before I knew that you bet money on my ass." I try to stand but his frame is unyielding. He doesn't budge. His expression remains serious and passive.

"Do you want to hear what happened or not?" The question is a challenge. There's an undercurrent of impatience woven into it.

I lean back in the chair to try and find some air. "Tell me then."

"You'll listen?" He cocks both brows expectantly. "Jessica, you're going to listen to me?"

"Whatever. Talk." I push back on his shoulder wanting him to retreat. I can't breathe when he's close to me and I can't sort through my tangled thoughts when I don't have space to think.

"It's complicated." He pivots back on his heel. "It's so fucking complicated."

"Don't bother then." I shove his chest to try to skirt my way around him. "Coming here was a mistake."

"I met Cassie at the same club I met you." His gaze is direct. "She was a wreck."

"A wreck?" I exhale. I can already sense where this is going. He's going to use Cassie's emotional wellbeing as an excuse for him being a complete and total douchebag.

"She was so wasted." He rolls his eyes. "She was falling over and some guy was ready to drag her out of the club to his place."

"So you recused her?" The words are fraught with sarcasm. I don't give a shit if they have skepticism written all over them. All I want is the truth, plain, simple and no holds barred.

He leans forward again, his breath skirting across my cheek. "I helped her avoid a situation she'd regret." His tone is cold, clipped and harsh.

"Then what?" At the rate this is going I'm never going to get to the bottom of his bet with Drew.

"Jessica." His finger jumps to my jaw and I recoil at the touch. "You came here for answers, so you need to listen."

I regret coming here. It was reckless of me to get in a taxi and race over here hoping he would actually tell me anything that even bordered on the truth. I should have followed my gut instinct and gone to see Cassandra.

"I'm listening," I bite back. "You met Cassandra at the same club you met me, you saved her from a big bad wolf who wanted to stick his dick in her and you fucked her instead."

"Jesus, Jessica." He leans back to pull himself to his feet. "Shut the hell up and listen to me."

"I didn't come here for this." I jump to my feet and bolt towards his office door in one swift movement.

His hands are around my waist before I have time to react. "You came here to get answers and unless you sit quietly and listen, we're never going to get anywhere."

"Never tell me to shut up." I push my index finger against his hard chest. "Never say that to me."

He scoops my hand within his and brings it deftly to his lips. "I'm sorry, Jessica. Please. This is killing me. You're ripping me apart. Can't you see that?"

I tear my hand from his grasp as his words assault me. "I'm ripping you apart?" My voice is barely more than a whisper even though my intention is a scream. I'm so tired emotionally. I'm so overwrought with everything that's happened. Why can't I just turn around and walk out of here? Why can't I just see that he's not good for me?

"Please, just listen. Jessica, you have to listen to me." The tone is pleading and edgy.

I swallow the bitter sting of my anger and lower myself back into the chair. "Five minutes, Nathan. Five minutes." It's all my body will allow me. Hell, I'm not certain I can even make it that long without falling apart.

"I met Cassie at the club like I said. She was so drunk, Jessica. I took her home that night and that's when I realized she had kids." He sits on the corner of his desk. "The babysitter who was there whined about how Cassie never paid her so I covered it. I slept on her couch because I was scared the kids would need something and she was passed right out."

"Allie and Aaron," I whisper their names.

"I fell in love with them." A small smile skirts the edge of his mouth. "Christ, you've seen them."

I nod at the reminder of how sweet they are. "They're beautiful."

"I made them breakfast and played with them." He closes his eyes and looks down at the floor. "There wasn't much to eat at their apartment so I took them to buy groceries before Cassie woke up."

I look away and scratch my neck, trying in vain to ward off all of the conflicting emotions that are racing through me.

"She couldn't cover her bills." He exhales audibly. "I just started paying for things. Almost every date we had was at her place so I could see the kids. I love kids."

It's a confession that catches me off guard. I know he loves his niece and nephew in Boston but this is the first I've heard of his love for children in general. I've never viewed him as the fatherly type. I'm no judge though. To me he's only ever been the type of man who loves to fuck. He's not exactly multi-faceted in my eyes.

"Then she told me that she would go to the club to spy on her ex because he wasn't paying child support." His fist clenches at the mere mention of Drew's role in Cassandra's life. "I offered her legal advice. I set her up with a family law attorney so she could sue for back support, but she backed out."

"He pays nothing?" It's surprising given the fact that I know that he must be making a decent salary at the restaurant.

"She told me that he'd throw her a few hundred dollars here and there but he's so far behind on what he owes." He clears his throat. "Before they divorced he quit his job on Wall Street and decided he wanted to be a chef."

"Why?" I ask not because I expect Nathan to have an answer but because I don't see the logic in anything Drew does. "Why would he give up a good job?" I bite my tongue the moment the question leaves me. I did the same thing. I'd thrown away a great job in Connecticut to come to New York to try and make it in the culinary world.

"He's so fucked. He gambled away virtually everything Cassie owns. She had to go to her parents for help after she and Drew split."

He knows so much about their relationship. He's so immersed in Cassie's divorce and her relationship with Drew. "How could you let me work with him and not tell me he was Cassandra's ex?"

"I didn't think it mattered, Jessica." The words sound genuine, even if I'm not absorbing them that way. "I didn't want it to matter."

"It all matters." I glance at the clock on the wall beside his desk. "Your five minutes are up."

"Don't go." He's back on his knee in front of me. "I'm not done explaining all of this."

"You should have told me who he was when you saw me with him at the club." I can't meet his gaze. I'm so empty right now and he'll see that and press to make things better. "You should have told me everything."

"None of it mattered."

"It didn't matter to you." I tap my hand on his chest. "It all matters to me. Every single detail."

"Let me explain about the bet." The reminder feels like a razor slicing through my skin.

"Why bother?" I push on him so I can rise to my feet. "We're done."

"Hey, Jess." Cassandra pulls me into a weak embrace. "I was surprised to hear from you."

I settle back onto the park bench as she sits next to me. "I'm glad you brought the kids."

She nods towards the playground equipment. "They love it here. They miss you, you know. They talk about you a lot."

"How are you?" It's the expected question and one that will give me some time to gather my emotions before I dive into the subject of her ex.

"Great." The wide smile that covers her face says more than the word. "I've been struggling, but things are looking up."

"With the new guy?" Another momentary reprieve before I bring up Drew. How exactly am I going to do that? I wish I had given this more thought before I texted her after rushing out of Nathan's office.

She looks down at the ground before she answers. "With Nate. I saw him last night."

The words bite as they hurl their way through me. It's just another unwelcome reminder of her connection with him. My entire relationship with Nathan has been a lie just so he could help her. "Great." It's weak. It's lame and it's the only syllable I can utter right now.

"He's in love with someone." She waves to the twins as they race through the sand towards a set of swings.

"Oh," slips past my lips. "Do you still care about him?" That's not my business but my brain doesn't have any guardrails at the moment. I'm going to drive my entire life over a cliff just because I can't temper what I feel for Nathan Moore.

"As a friend." She pulls her long, brown hair into her fist to keep it from flying into her face in the wind. "We were never a good fit."

"You seemed to care a lot about him when we were at his apartment," I counter. Why am I doing this? Why push her to share things that don't matter at this point? He wagered money on whether he'd sleep with me before Drew. The fact that he made the bet after we'd already fucked isn't lost on me. It's just semantics.  A man who claims to care about a woman doesn't do that. Plain and simple.

"He helped me when no one else would." She takes a deep breath. "I guess I needed a knight in shining armor and he wanted to be one."

I'd never use that phrase to describe him and my brain was having trouble wrapping itself around the concept. "What happened last night?" It's not my business. I know it's not but I can't help myself.

"He gave me a lecture about my ex." She takes a heavy swallow before she turns to look at me directly. "He told me it was time for me to stand up for myself.  He wants me to go after my ex for support."

I feel my stomach drop at the mention of Drew. "Your ex doesn’t pay support?" Another useless question to try and bide myself enough time to learn more about Drew.

"He's got issues." She laces her fingers in mine on my lap. "I still love him, Jess. I don't know how to stop."

I glance at her trembling hand and think about how mismatched Drew and she are. "He should be helping you with the kids." I know it's not my place to offer any opinion on her relationship with Drew. If I was actually going to be honest, I'd tell her to kick him square in the groin the next time she sees him, not only for being a deadbeat dad but for being an asshole too.

"Nate helped me see that last night." A thinly veiled sigh escapes her lips. "He told me that unless I make him responsible for the kids, he's going to keep doing what he's doing."

What he's doing is he's out trolling clubs looking for women he can bet on. I want to tell her but now isn't the time. Is there ever an appropriate time to tell your ex-boss that her ex-husband is a low life piece of shit?

"You're going to try and get your ex to see that?" Good luck with that Cassandra, I want to add. Good luck getting Drew to see anything.

"Nate gave me the name of a friend of his who can help me get back some child support." She pauses before she continues, "I just need to tell Andrew that's what I'm doing." She winces as she says her name and I realize it's the first time I've heard her use it.

"You've never said his name before." Way to point out the extra obvious, Jessica.

"It hurts too much," she whispers softly. "I still miss him."