Pulse - Part Four (The Pulse Series) (4 page)

"Five thousand dollars?" She spits the words out right along with most of the saliva that's been in her mouth.

"Rebecca." There's no reason to try and veil the disgust in my voice. "You spit all over me."

"You're saying that Fingers and Cassandra's hornball hubby bet five thousand dollars on fucking you?" She taps her finger on my bed to accentuate each word.

"I'm saying that exactly, yes." I needed to tell someone after I raced out of Nathan's apartment and Rebecca was the lucky recipient of that news since Bryce was nowhere to be found when I got home.

"That's so weird." It's not the response I expected but if you looked at the situation as a whole, it was actually more than weird. It was bizarre.

"It's weirder than weird," I offer, realizing immediately that comments like that weren't about to help me beat the stereotype of the blonde, big breasted bimbo that I've been fighting against for years.

"Fingers made bank when he fucked you." She laughs until she realizes I'm not joining in on her merriment. "What's got you so worked up?"

"Rebecca." Her name leaves my lips in a rush. "You're not serious? You wouldn’t be pissed if a guy you were dating made a bet on you?"

"First things first, Jess." She stretches her body out so she's lying right next to me. "You two were fucking back then, not dating."

"True," I acquiesce. She's right about that. We had only fucked a few times at that point.

"Second, Drew is a scumbag." She shakes her head as if to ward off any Drew germs that may have infected her just from saying his name. "I'm the one who has heard story after story from Cassandra about him. The guy is a waste of skin."

"He still shouldn't have bet on me." I'm getting tired of trying to convince everyone that Drew and Nathan were wrong. "Neither of them should have done it."

"No arguments from me." She pulls her legs under my blanket. "Just think about one thing."
"What?" I ask as I settle in next to her. "Please don’t say anything about Nathan's cock."
She giggles into my hair. "I don't have to. You dream about Fingers and his magical dick every night."

I laugh out loud and realize this is the first time in weeks I'm actually enjoying myself. "What should I think about?"

"Think about how much he's changed since that night when you first met him." She pokes me playfully in the side with her index finger. "He wouldn't have made that bet last week or two weeks ago, Jess. He didn't really know you back when he did. Don't throw him away for one mistake."

"You hurt me." My lips skirt over his neck. "You tore me to shreds."

His breath courses hot over my forehead. "I'm lost right now. You get that, right? You know that I can't think or eat or breathe because you fucking hate me, Jessica."

"I hate what you did," I qualify his statement. "I hate that you used my body to get something for her." I do hate that. I detest that he used his knowledge of Drew's addiction and his desire for me to manipulate money from him.

"I hate myself for that." His hands reach past me to rest on either side of the door to his office. "I hate that I hurt you. It makes me sick when I think about it."

"I'll never forgive you for this." I mean every word. I can't forgive him. I've thought all morning about what Rebecca said to me about throwing Nathan away for the one mistake. It's more than that though. It's the endless lovers he's had, it's the half-truths about Drew and most of all, it's the fact that he sat in that bar and boasted about my body.

"I won't give up until you forgive me, Jessica." His lips graze across my cheek. "I'm never giving up until I'm back inside of you."

"You're going to forget about me." It's not meant as a challenge, it's only an observation based on everything I already know about him. "Your cock is going to need someone and you'll find her and she'll be your new obsession."

He takes a heavy step back as if I've physically assaulted him. I see a veil of pain wash over him, bouncing through his eyes. "No." His tone is raspy, direct and measured.

"Stop it." My words are ripe with impatience. "Just stop pretending I meant anything to you."

He's on me in an instant, his heavy body pressing into mine. "I love you, Jessica."

I cringe when he says the words. I don't want to hear them. I believed them for a brief moment weeks ago. I felt something when he said them in this same office right before I found out about the bet. Back then, I thought there was a chance that this could turn into something substantial. Now, all I feel is regret and distance.

"I love you," he repeats the words, saying them louder this time. "I'm not forgetting about you. I'm going to fix this."

"You can't," I spit back at him. "This is so far past fucked up that it's not fixable." I don’t mean that. If I meant it, I wouldn’t have come to see him this morning. I wouldn't have thought about throwing all caution to the wind and kissing him. I wouldn't have felt my heart breaking within my chest. If I meant it, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

"I can fix this." His tone is determined and strong. "Tell me how. Jessica, tell me."

"You said…" I feel every defense I've built up since I met him crumbling to my feet in a pool of heated dust. "You said that you fucked my body to him. I heard it. I heard you talking about me like that."

"Christ, no." He pulls my head into his chest, cradling his arms around me. "I didn't mean it like that. You're not just a fuck. You've never been just a fuck. Please tell me you get that, Jessica. Tell me."

"I can't stop hearing those words in my head." I pull my hands to my temples. "Hearing you tell him that. Hearing you say it to Drew."

"I just wanted that to be over." His voice pleads as his hands claw at my arms. "I just wanted to get all of that over with and behind me."

"You can't talk about me like that." The words pale in comparison to their meaning. I can't shake the sound of his voice boasting about bedding me.

"Jessica, please." His body is steely against me. His resolve is unwavering. "Tell me what to do. I can't lose you. I can't go back to before you."

"Take back what you said to him." I'm asking him to do the impossible. I'm asking for something he can never give to me.

He pulls me even closer. "I'll make you forget you heard that. I'm going to drown it out. I'll show you."

"I worked for Cassandra for about two weeks." I'm so tired of all the secrets. I feel like I'm the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle that makes up all of these people's lives. It's time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my part in the mess that's become my not-so-glamorous life in New York City. He'd been texting me for days now asking about Cassandra. He wants answers, so do I. That's why I'm here.

"What? When?" Drew throws both questions at me with lightning speed. "You worked for my Cassie?"

"I started the day after you and I met at the club." The timing seems insane now that I'm thinking about it. "She was the boss of a close friend and I had an interview. She hired me on the spot."

"You cooked for Allie and Aaron?" Hearing the twins' names coming from him gives them more meaning in some way. Maybe coming to see him at work wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"They're great, Drew." I smile when I think about their angelic faces. "They're so beautiful. You should be really proud of them."

"I am." He nods his head slowly. "I'm trying to be a better dad."

"I didn't know you even knew them." It's not an excuse, it's the truth. "How is it possible that I could meet you and then the next day be hired by your wife?" I cringe once I realize that I should have prefaced that with an ex. Cassandra and him are divorced. I need to honor that and not remind him of the family he isn't a part of anymore.

"You were good to them, weren’t you?"

"All three of them are amazing." I confirm though a smile. "I loved working there."

"I need to say something, Jess." He looks over his shoulder at the kitchen manager. "I only have a few more minutes on my break. I can't get another warning here or I'm out."

"What is it?" I ask suspecting that he's going to bring up the harassing way he treated me back at Axel NY. Since he'd left I'd been prompted to dessert prep and going to work every day was now a joy instead of a nightmare.

"It's about the lawyer," he grumbles. "About that night when you saw us together."

"At the bar?"

He nods before he pulls in an audible breath. "I saw him at the bar when I first got there with some buddies after work."

I'm not sure I want to know what he's about to share. I'm definitely not sure any of it is going to be the truth. "You decided to bring up the bet with him?"

"Not until I saw you." He casually adjusts the buttons on his chef jacket. "I took him a beer and sat where I knew you'd see me."

"Why?"

"I'd been pushing you for weeks, Jess. I thought you'd come over and blast me." He taps his finger on the edge of the table. "I wanted you to come over and blast me."

"You wanted me to get mad at you?" I'm beyond confused. He's not making any sense at all. "You wanted me to punch you?"

He runs his hand along his jaw and chuckles. "That I didn't expect but I deserved it."

I nod and pull a slight grin over my lips. "You did."

"Guys like him have it all. I didn't think anyone would take me up on that bet. When he did and he won, I was gutted." He peers behind me. "I don't have much longer."

"Just tell me, Drew." I try to keep an even tone. "What about that night?"

"He was telling me to go to hell when you walked over and I brought up the bet." He pulls his hand across his brow. "I was telling him that I knew I could fuck you if I really tried. I was pushing him."

Hearing him tell me that they were discussing my body isn't offering me anything but more fodder for another rage filled outburst. "It doesn't matter." It didn't matter. That was the truth. Knowing that Nathan discussed my body with Drew only adds to my confusion and regret.

"I told him to spell it out. I told him to just say it so we could be clear about what happened with you." I can hear something in his voice that hasn't been there before. It may be regret or it may just be more bullshit.

"I don't really care why he said it," I lie. "You're both still disgusting for making the bet in the first place."

"You're right," he agrees a little too swiftly. "My kids would disown me if they knew I was that pathetic. I need to man up for them. I'm learning to cope with the addiction. I'm going to be a better parent."

"I'm glad." At the very least, maybe the one light at the end of this fucked up tunnel was that Drew was finally going to get his act together.

"Goddammit, Jessica." His body hovers above me. "You've got to let me fuck you."

"I came here to talk to you." I push my hips back into his couch. I can't let him feel how wet I am.

"You want my cock in your body. Don't try and deny that." His voice is a low growl.

I can't deny that. How am I supposed to? I arrived not more than five minutes ago with the full intention of setting ground rules, now the only barrier between my body and his was the thin silk of my panties a
nd his trousers. "I don't…well… let's just say that I…." good for you, Jessica. Blabber on like that any longer and you won't need to tell him no, he'll push you out of his apartment door himself.

He skirts his lips across my forehead with a heated touch. "I'm so fucking hard right now. Why the hell did you come here wearing that?"

I look down and realize my breasts are very close to popping out of the top of my dress. "I'm on my way to dinner with my roommates."

"Like hell you are." His hand is on my waist now, slowing inching towards my uncooperative breasts. "Your tits are so beautiful."

"Don't say things like that." I want to sound firm and controlled. I'm pretty sure every one of those words I just said sounded like a moan.

He rubs his groin over me and I can feel how hard he is. "I want to be inside of you."

"You want things you can't have," I whimper.

"I'm going to lick you until you come all over my face." His voice is nothing more than a breathless whisper. His groans are drowning themselves in my hair as he pushes himself into me.

"You want to fuck my sweet little body." I push the words out in a slow measured tone. I'm still reeling from hearing them come out of his mouth when he was talking to Drew.

"Jessica." He pulls himself back up to his knees. "Listen to me, now. Listen, Jessica."

I close my eyes briefly to ward off how hot he looks. His shirt is partially unbuttoned, his hair is a mess and his eyes are full of un-tempered want. "What?"

"Open your eyes now."

I do. "Happy now?"

His expression is torn. His brow is furrowed, his mouth a firm line. "I fucked up when I told Drew that I fucked your sweet little body, but…" the words trail away as his hand runs up my leg. "I can't contain what I feel. Fucking you is my sweet heaven. Nothing has ever felt like that to me. I fucked up when I said it, but I meant it. You want me. You've always wanted me."

"You don't know what I want." I need to get out of here. I have to get away from him before I give in again.

"You can run away but I'll always find you."

My body tenses as his hand inches up my thigh. A slow moan escapes my lips. "Stop," I say it, trying to make it sound genuine.

"You want me to stop?" His hand doesn't follow his mouth's suggestion. His finger skirts against the soft silk of my black panties. "I need to touch you. I've been aching inside for weeks."

"Stop." My hand bolts to cover his. "Stop now."

His eyes search mine before they rest on my lips. "You want me to stop? Jessica, say it again."

"Don’t touch me." I push against him wanting to get myself up into at least a semi put together state. "Stop touching me."

He pulls himself to his feet and stares down at me sprawled on my back. He'd embraced me the moment I arrived and pushed me down without any resistance. He knew then that I'd give in to him. He knows instinctively that my body craves his too. He senses that I have no resolve when it comes to him.

"I want you." The words are meant to be simple. They should convey a direct need, a desire and a want. Coming out of Nathan's mouth they carry so much weight. They mean more than I can handle.

"You said you'd never lie to me." I push myself up until I'm sitting. "You lied about Drew."

He paces in front of me. "That's bullshit, Jessica. I didn't lie to you about him. I told you to stay away from him because he's fucked up."

"You should have told me." My voice is loud, almost too loud for this space. Everything is racing full speed ahead to the surface now. "You fucking should have told me you bet on my body, you asshole."

"Don't call me that," he spits the words at me. "Don't call me names, Jessica. You'll regret it."

"How?" I want to stand but I know all my energy is pulled into my emotions at the moment. "How will I regret it? You'll stop harassing me? That's not a bad thing, Nathan."

Before I can react he's sitting next to me. "I can't stop. Fuck, Jessica. You think this is something I can turn off?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what? Wanting you?" His face is rigid as he asks the questions. "Everything in my life is about you now. Everything. I fucked up. I get that. You can't throw me away because I'm not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, Jessica. Everyone."

"You let me work with him." I push the subject. "I don’t understand that."

"Understand what?" He's pulling on my hands, trying to capture them within his. "You want to be a chef. I want that for you."

I inch back on the couch trying to gain some distance. "You should have told me he was such an asshole."

"Christ, Jessica." He pulls himself closer to me again. "You think I knew how completely fucked he was? I would have killed him if I knew he was harassing you. I would have literally wrapped my hands around his neck and choked the life out of that asshole."

"You knew he was chasing after me." I'm not going to let him drop this and pretend it's not important. "You saw him with me at the bar. You came to my apartment when I was going on a date with him. Wait." I stop myself when I realize that he always showed up whenever Drew was there.

"You were following me." I bolt to my feet. "Jesus, Nathan. You've been following me all along."

"Jessica." He hangs his head in his hands. "No. Jessica, no."

"Why were you always right there?" My hands are trembling so hard I have to fist them together just to control the shaking now coursing through my entire body.

"I'm not always right there." His tone is different. There's something vulnerable there. A small crack. "It wasn't me."

"Nathan, please." I'm almost sobbing now." Please, Nathan, please."

"Jessica. You're going to fucking hate me more than you already do." He's on his feet. "You're going to fucking hate me."

"Oh, God." I close my eyes waiting for the assault of his words. "Just say it."