Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (16 page)

They don’t exist, but if they did, here’s how you’d handle them. You know what “fictional” means, right? Well, this is the category for those things.

Maybe you once thought one of the following was real. Maybe it even scared the hell out of you. Maybe you were too cool to fall for something so silly and resent the implication you’ve ever feared anything. Whichever category you fall into, keep it to yourself, and continue reading.

HOW TO BEAT UP SUPERMAN

Superman. The son of Jor-El. He may seem like an unbeatable opponent, but like all others he can be beaten with some hard analysis, a sound game plan, and flawless execution. Flawless. Execution. Not, “I’ll read this entry five minutes before I try to fight him,” not “I’ll skip some steps, my brother-in-law was from Krypton and I could kick his ass, I think.” None of that half-assing it. This one requires all the pieces to fall into place. There’s a reason legions of super-villains (sometimes even going so far as to name themselves the “Legion of Super-Villains”) have so far failed to beat him.

Even a cursory glance at the boy in blue turns up some interesting evidence. Despite appearances to the contrary, and his beloved Boy Scout, all-American rep, the following is true:

Superman is not well liked by his peers.

How do I know this? I know this because there is still kryptonite on planet Earth. I know this, because despite having access to the most powerful collection of costumed beings, superpowered heroes, and billionaire do-gooders in the galaxy … despite that, at no point has Superman said to them: “Hey, here’s something … Um, there’s this substance scattered around the planet that will kill me if I touch it. Is there anyway we can set aside next weekend, and you can use your tactical abilities and unlimited resources to collect it for me? I’ll spring for some pizzas. I know so-and-so can teleport stuff pretty easily, maybe we can … No? Okay it’s cool.”

Why hasn’t he made this request of his so-called friends?

Two reasons. Either he knows the answer would be, “No, dude,” or he’s got a weird thing about putting himself out there and asking for favors. I think it’s the former. He knows at least half-a-dozen inventors, how hard would it be for them to build a fleet of kryptonite sniffing robo-dogs? I’m guessing not that hard. I mean, I know that if there were rocks that gave people AIDS sitting around my house, and I had a pal impervious to AIDS with a giant catapult, it probably wouldn’t take me too long to ask him for help getting rid of the AIDS rocks.

Why is he so unlikable? Hmm let’s start with this: HE LETS PEOPLE CALL HIM “SUPERMAN.” Think about that for a second. How quickly would you put a stop to it, if random people started calling you, “Superman.” How mortified would you be?

Did he ever even try to fight the tag? Did he ever say: “Oh, hey man, yeah, I’m happy to save your dog, but, uh, please don’t call me ‘Superman’… it just sounds stupid. I have some skills, glad to help out … that’s it. You get why, right? Is this weird now? Did I make it weird?”

But he really is super!
you say? So what? We have geniuses on this planet, too, and if one of them, let’s say Bill Gates, insisted we all of a sudden call him “genius” or “Genius Man” people would fucking lose it. And if someone decided to call him “genius,” he’d rightfully assume they were being sarcastic and tell them to knock it off. Not fucking Kal-El, though, he’s cool with that shit. In fact, he went out and got a costume with the initial “S” on the shirt. (Nerds, calm down, I know the symbol doesn’t stand for “Superman.” The point is, people assume it does and he knows that and he’s a dick.)

Think about who in our culture would allow themselves to be called “Superman.” Are you thinking? Have you pictured a few candidates?

The majority of people you just envisioned are ex-reality show contestants. ’Nuff said.

Step One:
Get yourself a kryptonite knife. Either buy a kryptonite knife, if that’s something that goes on, or get a hunk of the rock and carve it into a knife blade and put a handle on it. Something mahogany, maybe. I bet that’d look sharp. It’s gotta be a knife. Too many people get the kryptonite and think they’re home free. Then they put it in a lead box and have him open it … and he hucks it into a river. Or they attach it to a chain and gingerly place it around his neck, or lay it near him, until someone comes along and moves it.

I can already hear the brainier types thinking aloud: “But a knife is too simple, I already have a killer robot that’s powered by kryptonite, why can’t I just—” No. A knife is simple. Dependable. Tried and true. When the Indians defeated Custer at Little Big Horn did they have knives and simple weapons or killer robots? I’m really asking. I just think it would’ve been cool if they had both.

I’m not sure how good of a blade edge kryptonite can sustain. I’m guessing not much. Honestly, this probably won’t ever be your favorite knife. Once you kill Superman it’s usefulness will probably be at an end. I don’t foresee you carving the Thanksgiving turkey or whittling with it. The last one mainly because no one whittles anymore.

Step Two:
Purchase one of those “Map to the Stars’ Homes!” sold in Hollywood.

Step Three:
Using the table of contents, go to the “S” section.

Step Four:
Stab Superman with your Kryptonite knife.

Wow, you really did it. There will be no “flying around the planet to turn back time” this time. He’s gone. You’ve vanquished Superman. If you hear babies crying in the next few days, it’s because of you.

HOW TO BEAT UP KING KONG

King Kong, as we all know, is a gigantic ape who long ago perished in a fall off the Empire State Building. I mean, I’m not stupid, I know he’s dead and everything. But if there’s one thing you’ve learned in this book it’s that anything is possible. (If you’ve learned two things in this book, the second thing would be: “Safety first, last, and always,” and if there’s a third, that would be: “The customer is always right.” It seem highly unlikely that you’ve learned a fourth thing from this book, other than a more general feeling of exercising caution before plunking down fourteen hard-earned dollars.)

King Kong is dead … seemingly … So either this is another ape of the same species who has escaped Skull Island and come looking for revenge for his dad or cousin or drinking buddy, or it is somehow the original Kong brought back to life and restored to his former glory. This tutorial only applies if he’s the same Kong. If the Kong you’re facing begins exhibiting qualities or abilities not present in the original, desist immediately. If he sprouts wings or his mouth opens and a machine gun tongue pops out or … he now speaks Latin, wears plaid pants, and tries serving you a waffle that’s been doused in poison … it ain’t the same old guy.

To get an idea of how dangerous Kong is, think of a tiny adorable little chimpanzee in overalls and a red bandanna. He’s like a foot tall and yet he’s capable of using his insane primate strength to rip your arm from its socket and beat you to death with it while gnawing on your cheekbone. He is a monster, with the proportional strength of a creature much larger. They’re like the “ants” of the animal world. And
he’s
a foot tall!

Kong actually has the insane size advantage granted someone who’s fifty feet tall, PLUS that extra monkey-super-strength thing. We have no proof of this, but I’m pretty sure he could punch a hole through Mars if someone flew him up there on a space shuttle (which he’d ride like it was a pony).

So what do we know about good ole original recipe Kong? He likes the ladies, that much is clear. You’re going to need your wife or girlfriend for this job. Does the idea of Kong fondling your bikini-clad wife bother you? Well, it should bother you, but can you get past that, that’s the question. (I mean, sure, it’s weird but it’s not like he can have sex with her, he just seems to like looking at her. Half naked. Just like we all do.)

Have your bikini-clad wife or girlfriend climb up the side of the nearest skyscraper. If for some reason your wife or girlfriend is not a highly trained mountain climber and Olympic-level gymnast, I guess you could let her ride the elevator up to the top floor, then just walk onto the roof. Once there she should wave wildly and make many broad gestures, to try to get the attention of the great beast. I’m not sure if he really likes bananas, or if that’s mainly just the tiny adorable apes, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to have her eating some bananas, while she’s waiting around.

Soon enough, he’ll show. Appearing suddenly on the horizon, loping his way toward the rooftop, mouth hanging open, humongous tongue lolling. He’ll land with a thud on the roof, shaking the entire structure. Don’t let that throw you off your game. Remain calm. That’s one of the lesser-known secrets to combating gigantic apes on rooftops while your wife’s or girlfriend’s life hangs in the balance—remaining calm. He’ll see the girl and be drawn to her immediately. He’ll pick her up and stare into her tiny human face. Instantly everything else will fall away, hazing into a black-and-white background he couldn’t see even if he wanted to. He’s hopelessly, helplessly locked in on her. She is now the only thing in the world. Basically, he looks at her like you used to but haven’t in a long, long time. You kind of deserve to lose her. Fortunately, the chances of her trading one ape in for another are remote.

The way to beat him is to utilize a little something called “Monkey See Monkey Do.” It’s similar to the tactic used in “How to Beat Up a Copycat,” with a few key differences. They both involve mimicry but this one requires putting Kong into a hypnotic, dreamlike haze before executing it. The haze he just entered after gazing at your wife or girlfriend. As soon as he enters the haze, have your wife or girlfriend climb out of his hand and approach the edge of the building. If she’s a gymnast, like we talked about earlier, have her do a twist flip, three-quarter turn-leap off the building, before seemingly plummeting downward. The ape, thinking she’s jumped to her death, will follow, and perish. Your wife or girlfriend actually landed on a horizontal flagpole and bounced into a waiting open window. If she is not a gymnast, have her jump down to a nearby, adjacent rooftop before running indoors, simulating a fall.

That’s one way. There is another, provided you know other comparably sized behemoths, who owe you a favor.

Your giant lizards, turtles, beetles, what have you … You’re going to get one of them to beat up Kong for you. Talk to them, some already bear grudges and might’ve been planning an attack on Kong anyway, so you can just combine forces. If it is a team-up situation and not a straight-up hire or barter job, I think you’ll need to demonstrate that you’re bringing something to the table. This beast is not gonna want to give equal credit to you, just for you to hide in the wings while he’s trading punches and then run up and get a photo of yourself kicking the downed Kong after the fighting is over.

You could do this by pretending to have a death ray or a device you claim will knock out Kong’s equilibrium by sonically vibrating his monkey eardrums. Then, during the battle, just pretend the death ray jammed at the last second. He’ll still have to fight.

If you go the sonic eardrum route, let him know that even though the machine is really effective and never fails and isn’t made up at all, it vibrates at a sound too low for humans, and um, giant lizards to hear. Then, just flip the switch on the cardboard box wrapped in tinfoil you’ve rigged up, spout some mumbo jumbo: “The deflecteraters are gyrating at fifty psp. This is good!” Then, give him the thumbs up and say, “It’s working!” He’ll have no way of knowing whether you’re lying or not. Maybe Kong is really hurt by the sonic weapon and trying to play it off, you know?

When the monster you’ve enlisted beats Kong, run up there and take a bow like you did everything. Soak that shit up! Conveniently leave out any mention of your giant monster ally when you give interviews to the press about the fight.

If your monster loses the fight to Kong, um … run? That or try to find yourself a gymnast wife or girlfriend, ASAP!

HOW TO BEAT UP ANGEL FROM JOSS WHEDON’S
ANGEL

Angel is known as the vampire with a soul … which also means he’s likely the “vampire who’s wept softly while cradling an ex’s old T-shirt” as well as the “vampire who occasionally looks at videos of cats leaping into boxes online.”

Angel has the ability to transform from a brooding, smoldering heartthrob to a brooding, smoldering heartthrob, who is now scowling and wearing prosthetic eyebrows on his forehead—IN AN INSTANT.

He was the first in a long line of smoldering vamps that now seem to be running amok in pop culture. A trend described as what would happen if
Grey’s Anatomy
’s most delicate, freckled, lactose-intolerant writer got into that machine that turned Jeff Goldblum into The Fly with a newborn unicorn, and a piece of white chocolate … and then the creature that got out on the other side decided to start writing vampire stories. Only for girls.