Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (19 page)

While dressed as Hannibal, hand Baracus a glass of sedative, making no effort to disguise it at all. In fact, feel free to mark it as
SEDATIVE
in a bright bold font; he’ll still drink it down without a second look. Load him onto an airplane (to keep him in a terrified state on the off chance the sedative wears off), wait until the “fasten seat belt” sign is turned off, and then happily begin battering Baracus at eighty thousand feet.

HOW TO BEAT UP GREAT TIGER FROM
MIKE TYSON’S PUNCH-OUT!!

Great Tiger is a contender in the boxing association showcased in the video game
Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out
!! As you might remember from the game, he was in an awful hurry to cement the “tiger” part of his name in your mind, as he always draped a tiger head and skin in his corner. The “great” part, however, is still a bit of a tenuous connection. “Adequate Tiger” would’ve been more appropriate.

On a more serious note, I’d like to point out that the sanctioning body’s continued blatant disregard for the rulebook in regards to Great Tiger is disgraceful. That they allow him to compete in a professional prizefight while wearing a full turban is quite troubling. All manner of foreign object or weapon could be contained within to say nothing about the turban possibly blinding Tiger himself if it came loose and covered his eyes.

The second egregious oversight by the commission concerns the bizarrely overgrown Clarke Gable/villain mustache currently on Tiger’s upper lip. For the commission to allow Tiger to go out there and fight with this ’stache night after night when they know damn well that current fashion finds that style COMPLETELY out of vogue is just negligent. An act that could prove damaging to not only Tiger’s ego, but his entire sense of individual creative freedom. That’s a look far better suited for the business of tying women to train tracks than the prize ring, and they know it. He needs to hear it from someone in a position of authority before some mean-spirited kid shouts it to him on the way to the ring. I would hate for that turban to come in handy after all … as a bandage to wrap a broken heart.

In boxing, traditionally, one does his best to avoid telegraphing his punches. Any sign or “tell” that would indicate the next maneuver should be avoided at all costs. An example of this would be: dipping your shoulder slightly before a hook, dropping your right hand before jabbing, or WEARING A SHIMMERING JEWEL ON YOUR HEAD THAT GLIMMERS before you throw a punch. He’s got five or so losses on his record, all of them no doubt the result of getting KO’d after his beacon-like emerald signaled his opponent, the back row, Guam, and the alien inhabitants of Orion’s Belt that he was about to punch something. Somehow, no one in his corner has yet had the heart to pull him aside and say, “Maybe we try one sans the turban? Or, at the very least, we dab some Vaseline on it to dull the shine? No? Really? Okay, go get ’em, champ.”

Tiger differs from his fellow pugilists in that in addition to the more common weapons utilized between the ropes, Tiger reveals midway through Round 1 that he’s somehow in possession of MAGICAL FUCKING POWERS. He can move at super human speeds, fly around the ring, and even vanish into thin air. The fact that he’s got such a wondrous gift and chose to do nothing more ambitious with it than take up professional boxing … and then turned out to be, um, not so good at it, is kind of heartbreaking. It’s too sad to really even think about. After all, Soda Popinski (the former Vodka Drunkenski) sports a record similar to Tiger’s and has managed to do it without the benefit of being able to teleport himself and with the added hurdle of being a lousy stinking drunk.

Here’s the scouting report on Great Tiger. Many see the flash and slick razzle-dazzle M.O. of Tiger and get intimidated. Don’t. He’s staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. The reality is he’s past his prime, with the clock quickly running out and numerous kids to support.

Take a closer look at Tiger, he could
easily
be on the wrong side of fifty. (Wrong side of fifty for a boxing career, not wrong side of fifty to start booking gigs playing Father Time at the local mall during the holidays.) He needs to start putting together some consistent performances, but at this point that seems unlikely.

If it was gonna happen for him it would have happened by now. He’s a guy who got very far on natural talent and speed, two gifts he longer possesses. He relied on them at the expense of ever picking up sound boxing fundamentals. His jab has no snap and his body is often wide open for counters.

Jab him when his jewel lights up to stun him, win a “star,” then hit him with the uppercut. When he ducks go to the body. When he gets all
magic-y,
you time him with a double hand block, then drop him when he’s dizzy. Or, if it’s easier: A button, B button. A, A, A, crouch, Left, Left, A, A, A, then B.

HOW TO BEAT UP A ROBOT SENT TO KILL YOU

Most people concerned about killer robots and the impact their killing abilities would have on their continuing on in their un-killed states, ignore one major factor. They neglect to consider that robots are machines and then look at the track record of the machines already around them.

How often do machines work the way they are supposed to? From the washing machine to the Xerox copier to the mighty computer … the evidence is clear. Based on the data gathered, the best way to defeat and possibly destroy a killer robot is to bump it, jostle it slightly, or even to merely ask it to do what it’s programmed and designed to do. Sure, the robot will kill a few people (perhaps a few thousand) but sooner or later it will jam up for no apparent reason whatsoever, and cease to be able to do much of anything.

This is just an observation. It’s not your strategy, just something to keep in mind. Full instruction will be provided. Obviously, I’m aware that the knowledge that the machine, which ruthlessly slaughtered you in the town square with a whirling
blade-thingy
later went on to malfunction and spare the life of some man you’ve never met will be little comfort to you. Because you’re very selfish. In fact, I’m not sure you deserve the information I have on beating up a robot, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. Because I am a great man.

Another thing to consider is the large number of whiny, emo-esque robots who only want to have human feelings just like us. They strive to be human, to know our fears … to cry, etc. It’s really kind of sad. In the grand scheme of things, a robot is a pretty cool thing to be. Sure, it’s not as cool a “thing” as a griffin or a sentient rhino who’s also a samurai, but it’s pretty great. Some of them have rockets in their feet! Some robots are shiny and slick looking as hell. That’s nothing to duck your head about. But on and on they go, trying to become us like some futuristic, metal-covered version of Single White Female. (That’s still a legit reference, right?) If you do happen to find yourself facing a robot, you have two strategies at hand:

1. Get it wet!
It really is that simple. Wires, batteries, intricate electronics, are all susceptible to the debilitating effects of water. (Odd that that which nurtures all living things destroys these metal fiends on contact. God must really hate robots. Did they do anything evil in the bible? I forget.) If the robot is watertight, pierce the waterproof layer and then apply water to the opening. You’ll probably need more than a cup, but a fire hose seems like overkill. Let’s say you should use a Jack-and-Jill-sized bucket to do him in. (Just try not to fuck it up like Jack did. What an idiot!)

2. Turn it off using the giant
ON/OFF
switch implanted in its chest.
To be honest, a lot of your more serious, “killer robots” won’t have this feature. If you see a battle-ready, laser-shooting type robot with a giant
ON/OFF
switch, it’s probably a decoy to bait you in, so don’t go for it. I’ve seen this a million times, trust me. You’ll rush forward all confident, excitedly flicking the switch. Then he’ll probably power down for a second, lights dimming, rotors stopping, etc., just to fuck with you. You’ll yell out, “Guys! Check it out! I did it!” Then he’ll power up super fast and put his power drill hand through your skull. Don’t let this happen, don’t go for the
ON/OFF
switch with bots that are in any way scary looking.

Now, if the robot you’re fighting is made up of lots of colorful parts, or has those floppy, bendy, “heating vent” arms, or if he’s got a big ole glass dome for a head, you should be safe to do it. Just flip the switch and then beat on it with a crowbar until you get bored.

HOW TO BEAT UP A ROBOT WEARING A LONG, FLOWING, LUXURIOUS BLOND WIG

Note: Wigstyle may vary.

Whoa.
What? Why would somebody do this? That’s just bizarre … Like a regular, run-of-the-mill robot with a sensuous, full-bodied wig attached to, or growing out of, its head? That is nuts. I will just never understand some people. I blame the robot’s builders. What would possess them to add such a ridiculous touch to this otherwise ordinary, garden-variety robot? A robot who shares so much in common with other robots. Who makes the same
beeping
and
bopping
sounds associated with robots. A robot who has those gripper
claw-type-thingies
many other ’bots do. Why humiliate the robot like that with this one sick deviation? Does this robot have an emotion chip installed in it? Let’s hope not.

Although, I guess, it certainly seems possible that the robot’s builder had nothing to do with this and that one day the robot suddenly turned around, noticed the hairpiece in a store and decided that her bald, shiny dome and blank nuts-and-bolts features would look quite nice set against a shimmering platinum blond coif.

The robot wearing a long, flowing, luxurious blond wig is not an everyday opponent so questions need to be asked. Is the robot fighting as a normal robot would? Or is it distracted or even enchanted by its hair, stopping mid-punch to stroke it?

Is the hair possibly the source of its power? Or does it believe the hair to be the source of its power?

I’d say, start by noticing the hair. But do it as genuinely as you can. Don’t just toss off some generic compliment. Really take the time to notice the robot’s hair and construct your remark accordingly. Has it been tied up in a nice little bow? Painstakingly arranged in some ornate French braid? (I don’t think people go this route much anymore … but as for robots, who knows.) Has it been given bangs and highlights to accent the hair’s natural color? All fine remarks to make … Now, watch carefully, does the robot blush (or do the LED lights implanted in its face suddenly light up)? Does it casually brush the comment aside, or thank you but make it clear it’s time to move on to actual fighting? Does it emit the sound of a prerecorded cat purring from a
voice-box-type-thingy
in its mouth region?

If you can use the above information to figure out that the ’bot does prize its hair, then do so … and then fuck that haircut up! Like the mighty Samson, the loss of her hair will be her undoing. If the hair was the source of her power, you’ve won. If it wasn’t but she believed it to be the source of her power, you now have a huge mental edge and should be able to beat her fairly easily. If neither of those is true, you still have a shot. If a minute ago she had an eye-catching mane of flowing blond hair and now she’s sporting nothing but jagged tufts, you better believe she’s going to be concerned about it. It’s unlikely she’ll be able to focus on the fighting at all, with the state her hair is in. Take advantage of her distraction to finish her off.

HOW TO BEAT UP LUKE SKYWALKER FROM
RETURN OF THE JEDI

You’re not ready yet. It’s too soon, trust me. He would thrash you like a sarlacc tearing apart a frightened and disoriented Ed Begley Jr. (Yeah, what was he doing out there in the desert, I don’t know, either. Maybe looking into the sarlacc’s potential as an alternative energy source? The world may never know the truth.)

Ironically, your youthful exuberance in wanting to take on such a formidable Jedi Master at such an early stage reminds me of a young Luke Skywalker in
Star Wars.
When your behavior reminds me of a slightly more mature Luke Skywalker in
Return of the Jedi
that’s when I’ll know you’re ready.

Here’s a hint:
Luke from
Jedi
would never wear a fleece, zip-front hoodie with cargo shorts. “Jedi mind tricks” or not, you don’t get into the Mos Eisley Cantina dressed like that, no way, no how.

I’m telling you, this is not the time. The Force, right now, could not be weaker with you. It’s, like, retarded how little Force you have. Number 2 pencils, Jell-O, and a Troll doll pencil-topper sitting in a desk drawer for the last eighteen years, you know what they have in common? They all have more Force in them than you do.

It wouldn’t be pretty. Remember that scene in
Jedi
where Luke lightsabers the skin off a guy he’s using the Force to rotate in midair and it looks like a potato peeling? Before he slices the de-skinned body into carrot-size chips, he then uses to make
you
soup? You don’t? THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S NOT FROM THE MOVIE, IT’S FROM YOUR NEXT WEEK, if you don’t get this idea of fighting Luke from
Jedi
out of your head.