Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (17 page)

Avoid these demonic offspring, like you would an actual vampire. But if you do see one, you can easily kill it with a mean look and/or withering glance. Whedon’s masterpiece will not be so easy to dispatch. In addition to starring in one of the best shows ever to air on television, Angel, or Angelus as he was sometimes known, headed up a detective agency. That means we’re dealing with an intelligent foe. He also headed up a humongous law firm, so we know he’s ruthless.

Angel’s most impressive power is getting those who’d ordinarily be his enemy to somehow fall in love with him. In fact, he did this with a woman who literally had the phrase “vampire slayer” in her name! They met, she fell in love with him, and then, instead of slaying him, there was hand-holding, canoodling, longing glances, sex—just about everything except vampire slaying. This is one formidable vamp.

That’d be like “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler falling in love and then choosing to NO LONGER BE MARVELOUS, just for the sake of love.

Like most vamps, Angel can be killed with a wooden stake through the heart. This will not be easy. Many have tried and failed. The better route might be a metaphorical stake, in the same spot. What worked on Buffy will work on him. Get him to fall in love with you.

Now, you may have noticed that he’s a bit on the attractive side. And so, if you’re super attractive as well, that will help you here, as it helps in all places, everywhere, all of the time, in all matters. If you’re not, then you’ve got to really work on that personality. You’ve got to be charming, funny, intelligent—but not overbearing—quick, but not glib … If you have those qualities, you’re in good shape.

If you don’t, you’ll need to feign an interest in something that interests him (vamp-staking, dark leather, frowning, brooding, lingering, macramé) and then craft no less than three amazing anecdotes that reference both the shared interest and hints at some unseen “deepness” present within you. Perhaps a pain that haunts you to this day that you don’t want to talk about, so let’s just move on … That’s perfect! You’ll also need to be good at one thing. It doesn’t matter what, just pick something. Preferably something he can’t prove you’re not good at. Kiteboarding, let’s say. Also, you’ll need an attractive quirk. Something “off” that he can discover, and grow to find charming. Maybe a funny pronunciation or an expression you make when you think no one is looking. THIS THING HAS TO BE ADORABLE, so really work on it.

Once he tells you he loves you, reveal your evil plan and then stake him in the heart. With an
actual
wooden stake.

Note:
Just because you have a long-range plan in motion doesn’t mean you should pass up any other opportunities that arise. If midway through the fifth date he leans against his second floor window that’s been painted black and says, “God, I promised myself I wasn’t gonna do this … I know you’re not supposed to say … Well, it’s just … these last few days have been perfect, you know?” before letting his eyes close for a second in a moment of bliss, DEFINITELY karate kick him through the window into the sunlight.

HOW TO BEAT UP ROCKY BALBOA FROM
ROCKY IV

I think about the movie
Rocky IV
more than a grown man should, which is to say, I think about the movie
Rocky IV
.

For those of you who haven’t been living in a cave screening
Rocky IV
on a nonstop loop, I’ll remind you that this is the one where Rocky fights the enormous Russian boxer Ivan Drago to avenge the death of his friend Apollo Creed. Drago is the epitome of Soviet precision and cold robotic execution. An unthinking dreadnought fueled not by rage or passion, but rather, a hardwired instinct to destroy all he surveys. Drago is also on steroids and later in the movie breaks a “punch-o-meter” type device by punching it too hard. Even machines are too soft for him! However, after a training montage consisting of rustic, wood-based training device counterparts to the steel and iron used by Drago, Rocky vanquishes him. He not only beats Drago, he wins over the hostile Moscow crowd in attendance.

A quick aside:
That moment is not even in the top ten of unrealistic things that happen in this movie.

The Rocky of
Rocky IV
is the best Rocky Balboa there ever was. That’s the one where Rocky put it all together.

The Rocky of the first movie had a ton of talent, but was still wrestling with self doubt and failure and the consequences of a decade of poor choices. He was in a daze, blinded by the promise of what could’ve been and what was not to be. Skill-wise he was too raw.

In
Rocky II,
Rocky was more refined and had started to really figure out his style and how to best use it. Mentally he overcame his biggest hurdle by defeating the champ Apollo Creed without any doubt whatsoever. He needed to dig deep and find himself, and he did. But he’d have been no match for the Rocky of
Rocky IV.

The Rocky of
Rocky III
had technique that was really polished, with the added bonus of being in his physical prime. Some would argue that this Rocky is the best because he beat the best opponent Rocky ever faced, the fearsome Clubber Lang. I’d argue that yeah, Clubber is the best, maybe by a lot. But Rocky needed to beat him to become a true all-time great and rise to that upper echelon. For most of this movie, he’s not that guy. He’s merely a guy training to fight Clubber. He even regresses a bit, after losing focus and falling in love with the idea of his own celebrity. Partying, smiling for the cameras, showboating, etc. He wasn’t a focused Rocky … There’s a boxing maxim that states that just by winning the title, you instantly get 20 percent better. Rocky needed to win back the title, and go through hell with Lang, to become the best he ever was.

The Rocky of
Rocky V
is over-the-hill and retired. He’s not even in a real fight in the movie. He beats up his former protégé turned champion Tommy “Machine” Gunn in a street fight. This movie offers the most realistic boxing storyline of all the films, because it depicts Rocky losing all his money and then having to train boxers out of a dingy gym to make ends meet.

Rocky Balboa
featured a long-since retired Rocky as a restaurant owner who is lured back into the ring for one more shot at glory. This is a George-Foreman-esque Rocky with some flashes of the old brilliance and the same never-say-die attitude of the old Rocky, but he’s not the fighter he once was.

So, now that we’ve recapped the series and clearly established which version of Rocky was the best, how do we beat him? As evidenced by his long relationship with brother-in-law/slob/perennial screw-up Paulie, he has a weakness for ne’er-do-wells. You can prey upon this weakness.

In the ’90s there was a fairly promising heavyweight by the name of Ray Mercer. His nickname was “Merciless.” Nice. (As great a nickname as it was when Flash Gordon’s nemesis used it, it’s even better when your given name already happens to sound like it.) Ray was on the cusp of a title shot when he showed up out of shape and underprepared for a “stay busy” bout with journeyman, Jesse Ferguson. Even under those circumstances, he should’ve been able to take care of business, but he didn’t. Somehow Jesse toughed out Ray’s early barrage and actually started winning the fight. Ray was huffing and puffing and about five rounds from blowing both his title shot and a huge payday when he stumbled upon an idea. Why not, when close to Jesse’s ear, during the clinch, quietly ask him to throw the fight for money? Of course, it didn’t work. Part of it was caught on tape and was the focus of a large lawsuit that was eventually settled out of court. Ray lost the fight. I’ve always wondered how he broached the subject. Did he start off with something conversational like: “Hey man … Can I talk to you for a second? This is going to sound weird, but…”?

Although it proved disastrous to the career of Ray “Slightly Merciful When It’s Called For” Mercer, a variation on this plan could work with Rocky. You shouldn’t be as overt. Don’t ask him to throw the fight, just happen to hint around about how bad your life is going, and how much you need this.

In the clinch, gently whisper, “Ah … That punch hurt. Almost as much as hearing my hungry kid cry for food … Food I can’t provide.” When he reacts, shrug and continue on: “What? Oh, sorry, didn’t mean for you to hear that? I was actually praying to God. But I think, unfortunately, he hates my family. Why else would he let that storm take our house?”

Rocky’s kind heart will break, and he’ll let you knock him around for the rest of the fight. Aim for those big, tear-filled eyes of his. Sure, this isn’t the most honorable win. But losers can’t always be choosers. If you want a legit win go challenge the fifty-five-year-old Rocky of
Rocky Balboa
.

HOW TO BEAT UP A MINOTAUR

Since Minotaurs are known to hang out inside mazes, and are unlikely to leave said mazes when asked to—due to that kind of ruining the whole point of being in the maze in the first place, you’ll probably have to fight your Minotaur in a maze. This will give him a tremendous home field advantage. An advantage a creature with the strength of a bull doesn’t even need.

A Minotaur is roughly 40 percent man, 50 percent bull and 10 percent dickweed. The creature is the foul, unholy offspring of man and bull. Sort of like the rodeo, but worse, and way less racist. It has a bull’s head and an oversized, jacked-up human body. Maybe there’s tufts of bull hair jutting out here and there. I don’t recall.

Enter the maze. Be on high alert, listening for any sound whatsoever. Though specifically, you should also be listening for the sound of a ferocious half-bull monstrosity sneaking up on you from around a maze wall. Definitely listen for that exact sound. If you hear it, stop right where you are. Do not continue to walk all willy-nilly casual around the corner with a spring in your step and a song in your heart. The Minotaur waiting for you will gore the shit out of you and spill your heart, that song, and about five gallons of your blood all over that dirt floor maze. If you hear him, stop.

Take off your shirt and tie it to a stick. Hold it out, waving it around the corner. If he’s already in a rage he’ll take the bait and charge the shirt, quickly flying through it and past you, as he wasn’t expecting to hit just an empty shirt. This is your chance to attack him from behind. If he’s
not
already in a rage, he’ll probably react the same way you or I would to the sight of a shirt draped over the end of a stick, waved about—with a cocked, quizzical eye raise and minor sense of annoyance. Then he’ll wait. So there’s no guarantee that an ungored shirt means all is clear.

Get yourself ready, take a deep breath, then step around the corner. When you see the Minotaur, quickly take off your red cape. Many know-it-all types will tell you that it’s not the color red that attracts the bull, it’s the movement of the cape. That may be true, but I say, “Why pass up a legitimate opportunity to wear a red cape? Is that something that comes along every day? Are you Superman?” No, you’re not. And keep in mind that “legitimate opportunity” does not mean you “felt like wearing one.” No way.

Like you’d expect, due to the widespread stereotypes regarding bulls and bullish behavior, the Minotaur is fiery and prone to explosive bouts of rage. He can be taunted at which point he will charge blindly. Wave the cape at the Minotaur. When he charges, sidestep him while yanking the cape away, allowing him to hit the wall behind you, possibly embedding his horns into it. Repeat until he embeds his horn into it.

Follow your bread-crumb trail back out of the maze to safety. (
Note:
Do not get the crumbs made out of Minotaur food. Problems will arise.)

HOW TO BEAT UP THE UNDERTAKER

The Undertaker, for those of you not eleven, is a professional wrestler. He’s roughly six foot seven and close to three hundred pounds. While wrestling is known to be “fake” as far as actual combat goes, the maneuvers and techniques they pull off to accomplish the ruse require a high level of skill and athleticism. Skill and athleticism The Undertaker will now be channeling toward crushing you. Plus, like I said, six foot seven … that’s no joke.

Curiously, despite taking the ring name of “The Undertaker” he is not often seen performing the duties typically associated with this job. He never seems to sell coffins, arrange flower deliveries, or coordinate with the church regarding burials. At no time, that I can recall, has he ever been seen dealing with grieving family members. He does however do a lot of kicking, punching, choking, and jumping off of things onto people.