Pushing Reset (8 page)

Chapter 19

It took every ounce of Jude’s strength to roll out of Brandon’s bed, pull on his robe and stumble back to his own room as the sun started to rise. It didn’t help that Brandon’s arms and legs clung to Jude and refused to let go, forcing Jude to twist and pry himself free. Jude grumbled and cursed as he fell onto his bed and crawled toward the pillows. Everything felt cold and inhospitable as Jude tossed and turned, trying to settle into pillows and blankets that had been perfectly acceptable the night prior. Now, his bedding felt like it was made of hair clippings and sandpaper.

His eyes had finally become heavy again and his body loose and weightless when his door was thrown open and Noah dashed across the room. Noah launched himself at Jude and did his impression of a nuclear bomb as he landed. Jude grunted as Noah crashed into him and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to make them work.

“I want to watch cartoons!” Noah announced as he began to bounce on his knees. Jude grabbed Noah’s arm, trying to make him be still.

“No one is stopping you,” Jude mumbled as he covered his burning eyes. Noah made a frustrated, impatient sound as he tugged at Jude’s hand.

“Come on! I can’t make coffee,” Noah complained and Jude groaned as he forced his eyes open and stared at the ceiling, loathing the siren call of coffee and Spongebob.

“Fine. Get out and let me get dressed,” Jude ordered as his arm swung and pointed at the door.

“Yessss!” Noah’s arms shot into the air before he leapt from the bed and moonwalked to the door.

“You’re a monster.” Jude suppressed a grin and glared at Noah.

“I’ll go get the beverages,” Noah said in his best Patrick voice and Jude shook his head.

“Don’t touch anything in the kitchen. Mrs. Kelly will kick my ass if we make a mess,” he warned as Noah pulled the door shut.

“Hurry!” Noah’s muffled command faded as he ran down the hall and Jude sighed as he threw the covers back and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

Fifteen minutes later, Jude stretched his legs and crossed his ankles on the ottoman as he sipped his coffee. Noah’s little legs barely reached the ottoman and he sighed happily as he hugged his cocoa to his chest. Jude bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing as Noah rolled his eyes at Plankton’s feeble attempts to steal a Crabby Patty.

“I hope you never get a girlfriend, Uncle Jude,” Noah announced and Jude choked on his coffee.

“I beg your pardon,” he said as he set his coffee down. Noah set his mug next to Jude’s and crossed his arms over his chest as he reclined.

“I like when we drink our coffee and watch cartoons together and you couldn’t do that if you had a girlfriend,” Noah explained and Jude raised a brow as he tried to guess where Noah had received this particular bit of wisdom.

“And you know this because?” He asked and Noah gave him a weary look.

“Flynn Prater’s dad got a girlfriend and he moved all the way to the city. Flynn says he only sees his dad once a month and they don’t do anything fun but go out to eat and talk about school.” Noah was very put out on Flynn’s behalf and Jude couldn’t blame him.

“Flynn’s dad sounds like a jerk,” Jude mumbled as he reached for his coffee. “And I promise you, I’ll never get a girlfriend,” he said and became very busy drinking his coffee.

“What’s going on in here?” Brandon asked as he strolled into the living room. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously before he dropped onto the sofa next to Noah and Jude nearly moaned in delight as the smell of Brandon’s aftershave, soap and toothpaste wafted toward him. Noah nodded and raised his mug in greeting before taking a long drink and Brandon’s eyes twinkled when they touched Jude’s. “Let me have a sip of that,” Brandon said as he took Noah’s mug. He offered an exaggerated frown as he stared at the large cloud of whipped cream before he raised it to his lips and drank. He shook his head as he passed it back to Noah. “It’s a bit early for dessert,” he murmured and Noah shrugged as he clutched his mug protectively.

“I don’t tell you how to drink your coffee,” he pointed out and Jude pulled his lips in and tried to keep a straight face. Jude let his hand extend along the back of the sofa, behind Noah and Brandon’s lips pulled into a warm smile as he discreetly twined their fingers.

“Good morning.” It was no louder than a breath but warmth and joy burst within Jude and he could only nod back.
It isn’t just a good morning, it’s a perfect morning
, he decided as he gave Brandon’s hand a gentle squeeze.

Chapter 20

The perfect morning settled into a decent afternoon that gave way to tedious evening. Jude nodded and sipped his wine as he listened to Brandon’s mother describe an encounter with a woman from her Zumba class as he avoided eye contact with Brandon’s father. They came for dinner every other Sunday and it was the one event Jude truly dreaded. Brandon’s mother, Anne, was generally lovely, if not a bit dim. But Brandon’s father was a first class asshole. He’d been just coldly distant when Jude was a child but became openly hostile once Jude came out. He blamed Jude for Brandon’s decision to pass on MIT and tried to discourage Brandon from continuing their friendship after Jude revealed he was gay their first year in college.
Jesus, he’d set me on fire if he found out about what I did to Brandon last night,
Jude choked on his wine at the thought and Anne looked concerned as she reached for Jude.

“Are you alright, darling?” Anne asked as she fanned Jude with her napkin, for some reason. Jude nodded and waved.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled as he set his glass down and gestured for her to continue. Her eyes flicked over Jude’s face and for a moment, he was convinced she might see something. She turned to Brandon and her smile was breezy and vacant again.

“Have you been to the new bakery on Mill Street?” She asked and Brandon shook his head slowly as he refilled his glass. Anne clapped her hands excitedly. “It’s lovely! They make the most darling cupcakes and the woman that owns it is just gorgeous, Brandon,” she said and Jude ignored the tickle of irritation that fluttered in his chest and pretended to be fascinated with the bowl of olives in front of him. “Her name is Violet and I was telling her about you and she definitely seemed intrigued,” Anne gave Brandon a pointed look and he frowned as he shook his head.

“I’m not interested and I wish you’d stop telling every single woman you meet about me,” Brandon said as he sat back. Anne rolled her eyes and waved dismissively.

“Sweetheart, I wouldn’t have to if you’d get out there and start looking,” she said and Brandon pinched the bridge of his nose and slouched in his seat.

“I’m not looking because I don’t want to find anyone,” Brandon insisted and Anne gave him a patronizing look.

“If you’d just make an effort, I think you’d be surprised at how much fun you’d have. You’re such a handsome young man and you can’t stay single forever. Noah needs a mother,” Anne’s eyes misted over as she looked down the lawn at Noah. He was kicking a soccer ball around until dinner was served and Jude was tempted to join him. He heard Brandon sigh and looked over to find him nodding.

“I’ll think about it,” he mumbled and Jude raised a brow. Brandon always promised to think about it as soon as Anne got emotional about Noah but this time it rubbed Jude the wrong way.

“Excuse me, but what is a mother going to do for Noah that Brandon and I aren’t already doing?” Jude asked and Anne blinked rapidly as she stared at Jude. Brandon’s father cleared his throat and gave Brandon a hard look as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table.

“Jude…” Brandon warned but Jude shook his head as he stood.

“No. I sit through some variation of this conversation every other week and it’s always the same. For some reason, using Noah to guilt you into dating is acceptable. But I’d like to know what it is he’s missing out on because as far as I can tell, Noah is perfectly happy and healthy. And the last time I looked, Brandon is a grown man and should be allowed to decide when and who he wants to date without his son being used as emotional blackmail.” Jude looked around the table. Anne was still too confused or shocked to offer any argument and Brandon was squeezing his temples and mumbling under his breath. Brandon’s father’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Jude.

“The last time I looked, Noah wasn’t actually your child,” he stopped when Brandon sat up and pointed at him in warning.

“Robert!” Anne whispered loudly but he waved dismissively at her and Brandon’s eyes were hard as he stared at his father.

“Don’t. As far as I’m concerned, Jude’s as much Noah’s father as I am,” Brandon stated and pride swelled within Jude. Robert snorted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“That’s your problem, son,” he explained as he cocked his head toward Jude. “He’s got you fooled into believing you need him and he’s keeping you from moving on because he’s still hoping that one day you’ll get lonely and drunk enough that you’ll let him…” Brandon’s hand slammed on the table and crystal and silverware bounced. Anne jumped and her eyes were wide as she stared at Brandon.

“How many times have I told you that you can’t talk about Jude like that? If it weren’t for him, you and mom would probably be raising Noah and God knows where I’d be,” Brandon said and Robert shrugged.

“Maybe that would be better. Who knows how this is going to effect Noah in the long run,” Robert said as he waved between Brandon and Jude. Jude laughed as he snatched his glass off the table.

“Sure. You’d provide a loving upbringing for Noah. You forget that Brandon and I both remember what you were like as a father. And I resent the fuck out of you implying that losing your son would be preferable to this,” Jude said as he waved dramatically between him and Brandon. Robert’s face turned red and he jumped to his feet.

“Now, you listen to me, you…”

“Enough!” Brandon hissed as he looked back at Noah. He didn’t look like he’d taken notice but Brandon’s eyes were narrowed when he looked back at Jude and Robert. “We’re done discussing this. I’m happy with my life the way it is and so is Noah. Jude is a member of our family and if you can’t respect him, you don’t have to come to dinner, dad.” Brandon’s eyes were locked with his father’s until Robert threw his hands up and sat back down. Brandon’s gaze swung to Jude’s and his brows rose as he silently pleaded with Jude to let it go. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” Brandon said softly and Anne nodded in agreement.

“Please, Jude. I’m sure dinner will be served in a few minutes. Let’s try and salvage the evening,” she insisted but Jude’s stomach was a cold, hard knot. He shook his head then drained his glass.

“I’m not very hungry. If you’ll excuse me,” Jude nodded to everyone before he pushed his hands in his pockets and strode down the lawn toward Noah.

The sun was setting and Jude was still dribbling the soccer ball. Noah had left to eat dinner over an hour earlier but Jude was determined to avoid the house until Brandon’s parents left. He knew he would have to apologize to Brandon but he would be damned if he did it around his father. Jude reminded himself that he was an adult as he waited while Brandon walked down the lawn toward him. He nodded in greeting as he danced around the ball before he kicked it toward Brandon.

“They’re gone,” Brandon said as he jogged forward and kicked the ball back. “Noah’s taking a bath but says he won’t go to bed until you come up to tuck him in.” He rushed forward and easily stole the ball. Jude cursed as he followed and tried to get his foot between Brandon’s feet. He knew it was useless, Brandon was too quick. He threw his hands up and retreated to lean against a tree and watch as Brandon danced over the grass with the ball.

“I’ll go up in a minute,” Jude said and Brandon nodded before he kicked the ball into the air and began bouncing it on his knee. Jude wished they weren’t in sight of the house, watching Brandon play soccer always turned him on and for the first time in his life, he could do something about it. He sighed as he pushed a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry about dinner. I shouldn’t have said anything,” he admitted and Brandon shrugged.

“It’s fine. My dad’s an ass. I felt a little bad for mom, you know how she hates conflict. But she’ll recover.” The ball sailed high in the air and Brandon danced back a few steps and bounced it off his head. “I thought you were mad at me,” he mumbled as he continued knocking the ball in the air with his head. Jude shook his head.

“Why would I be mad at you?” He asked and Brandon caught the ball and tucked it under his arm.

“Because I didn’t tell them about us and I said I’d think about the chick at the bakery,” he said and Jude pushed away from the tree and reached for Brandon. He wished he was pulling him close for a kiss and not just putting his arm around his shoulders as he led him back to the house.

“I know you didn’t mean anything by that,” Jude said softly as he squeezed Brandon’s shoulders. “And I would have been horrified if you told them.” He shivered at the thought of that confrontation and Brandon’s brows pulled together.

“Why?” He asked as his hand discreetly swept down Jude’s back and briefly cupped his ass. Jude sighed as his body became warm and the tension fell away.

“It’s a bit too soon, I think. It took me years before I was ready to tell my family and live semi-openly. And I don’t want to be there when your father finds out,” Jude admitted and Brandon snorted.

“I’d call you a coward but I don’t know if I’d want you there either. I’m afraid you two might actually come to blows,” Brandon said and Jude’s lips twisted as he pictured it. The only thing he felt was glee at the idea of finally driving his fist into Brandon’s father’s face. Especially after what he’d said earlier. Then, the blood rushed from Jude’s face.

“Oh, my God…” He whispered as his body became numb. He stumbled and Brandon’s arm wrapped around his waist.

“What?” Brandon’s eyes searched Jude’s face and his lips were tight with concern. Jude couldn’t even find the words. His cheeks puffed out as he stared at Brandon. “Come on!” Brandon urged and Jude cringed.

“What he said, before I left…” Jude gave Brandon a pointed look and hoped that he wouldn’t have to say it. Brandon frowned and shook his head slowly.

“He said a lot of things,” Brandon pointed out and Jude swallowed hard as his skin became clammy.

“About me waiting until you were drunk and taking advantage of you,” he explained and Brandon only stared back as if he didn’t get it. Jude groaned as he released Brandon and pushed both of his hands through his hair and turned away from the house. He wanted to run away, anywhere, quickly. “That I’ve been waiting around for you to get lonely so that I could get you drunk and seduce you.” Jude’s stomach turned and he couldn’t look at Brandon.

“Right? I was there,” Brandon said and Jude covered his face with his hands to stifle a scream. When he finally looked back at Brandon, he looked totally confused.

“That’s exactly what happened!” Jude whispered urgently and Brandon’s head snapped back.

“No, it’s not,” he argued and Jude nodded emphatically.

“Yes. You were drunk and frustrated after what happened with the Buckley kid and I forced myself on you,” Jude explained and Brandon laughed. Like, actual belly laughing. Jude kicked Brandon’s shin and he swore as he jumped. “This isn’t funny, Brandon!” Jude insisted and Brandon nodded.

“Come on, you can’t seriously think you forced yourself on me,” Brandon gasped and Jude’s jaw fell. He’d never forget that night and he was certain he’d been more than assertive. Brandon pulled Jude into a reassuring, brief hug. “I promise that if I really didn’t want it to happen, I would have put up more of a fight and you wouldn’t have made it out of the room with all of your teeth,” he insisted and Jude felt slightly better.

“What if all of this came about because you were really lonely and I picked the right moment to pounce?” Jude asked and Brandon’s eyes flared in disbelief.

“You’re not much of a pouncer,” he mumbled and Jude gave him a hard look. “And I didn’t feel very lonely. Not to mention, I was having some pretty vivid fantasies about that exact thing for weeks before you pounced,” Brandon reminded him and Jude nodded, trying to convince himself that Brandon was right. He still felt a little queasy. Another terrible thought settled into his gut and he wished he didn’t have to ask.

“You’re not doing all of this because you’re afraid of losing me, are you?” He asked and Brandon looked completely stunned. Jude moaned in frustration and fisted his hands in his hair. “I mean, maybe you had thoughts and things got a little out of hand and you felt like you couldn’t turn back because I told you I had feelings and you didn’t want to hurt me or risk me leaving and hurting Noah.” Jude took a deep breath and watched Brandon for any sort of reaction. His eyes were wide and his mouth opened and close but there was no sound. “Brandon?” Jude shoved his shoulder and Brandon gasped.

“That’s a long way to go, Jude,” he said slowly as his eyes flicked to the sky. “I mean, I’ve heard of women sleeping with men for money or a powerful job. I’ve heard of men doing similar things but this is a bit beyond that. Do you think I’d pretend to suddenly be gay, let you do what you did last night and try everything else just so I wouldn’t have to hire a live-in nanny and maybe have a few difficult conversations with Noah?” Brandon’s brows were practically in his hair as he waited and Jude bit his lip as he considered.

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Jude said and Brandon waited for him to explain. Jude sighed as he waved at the house. “We kind of have a life here. We’ve been friends almost our entire lives and you said you were afraid of damaging that. And it would be more than just a few difficult conversations with Noah,” Jude added and Brandon’s eyes narrowed.

“I trusted you when you said nothing would change. You’ve never let me or Noah down and I believed you when you said that I had a choice,” Brandon stated firmly and the ground was suddenly solid beneath Jude again. “Besides, it has to be pretty obvious that I’m into everything we’ve been doing, no one’s that good at pretending.” Brandon winked and Jude had to ball his fists at his sides to keep from reaching for Brandon’s face, he needed to kiss him. He stepped close and Brandon’s head tilted toward Jude’s.

“I’m going to tuck Noah in. Want to take a shower when I’m done?” Jude’s lips were inches away from Brandon’s, it would have been so easy to angle his head and let his lips slide along Brandon’s.

“I don’t think Mrs. Kelly has left yet but she should be almost done,” Brandon murmured and Jude shrugged.

“I’ll tell her I’m turning in, she’ll think I’m still pissed. You slam your office door shut and she won’t want to disturb you.” Jude pulled in a deep breath and groaned as Brandon’s scent filled him. “I need to be naked with you as soon as possible,” Jude whispered and a shudder passed through Brandon. He licked his lips and Jude moaned weakly.