Queer and Loathing: Rants and Raves of a Raging AIDS Clone (23 page)

1. Procrastinate for several years.

2. Enumerate all your worldly possessions. Include any item valued at more than five books of S&H green stamps. Certain mo mentos of solely sentimental value (unsigned
Playbills,
calculus textbooks, and those loose slips of paper with first name and number, for example) should be listed separately.

3. Make a list of your friends. When you are done with your will, you can revise it monthly. This will keep your friends on their toes.

4. Make a list of your enemies.
Don’t leave them out.
By remembering them in your will, you will be able to get back at them from beyond the grave. For example, it could be a nice gesture to deed a double-headed dildo to an enemy who is an ostensible top, especially if the will is to be read in public.

5. Nude photographs and other suggestive material should be distributed to friends before you are dead. Families have a tendency to destroy these things inadvertently.

6. The condoms have probably expired by now, so you might as well throw them out.

7. Instruct your executor to burn your unfinished manuscripts, musical-comedy scores, and dress designs. There is nothing more embarrassing than having some hack complete your final symphony. You are responsible for your reputation, shoddy as it may be. Don’t risk having it ruined by someone else.

8. Remember your favorite charities. Consider, for example, endowing an especially uncomfortable chair in sadomasochism for the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies at CUNY grad school.

9. You are capable of causing mischief from the urn. Divide an item between two people who passionately dislike each other, forcing them to bargain. For example, give Bertram the frame of your favorite Eames chair and give Maurice, his ex, the seat.

10. Be very careful to whom you plan on giving your black book.

11. Think about distributing your ashes in acrylic paperweights and giving them to your friends and/or enemies. This would serve as a constant reminder of your presence. These items are particularly difficult to throw away or sell at rummage sales.

1. Use your discretion to determine whether you wish to receive an audience. Try not to be too irritated should a visitor bring an inappropriate favor. Resist the impulse to criticize their appearance. This is a trying time for both of you.

2. Take all the medication you want. Clarity isn’t always necessary at this point.

3. Don’t feel guilty about the sudden need or desire for a priest or reverend, even if you’ve been brought up as an orthodox Jew.

4. It’s all right to act a little spoiled. This may be your last chance to be a prima donna. Make the most of it.

5. Feel free to invent extravagant chores so those less-amusing acquaintances can feel useful. If you have a sudden craving for toasted-coconut donuts from the South Bronx, I’m sure you can assign this task to the appropriate visitor.

6. Tell your friends if you want to be alone. Don’t feel obligated to entertain them into exhaustion. If they don’t know how to amuse themselves without you, they’d better start practicing.

7. Ask for what you need. This may seem obvious, but it is very difficult for most people. Do not be disappointed if a simple request isn’t fulfilled. Instead; consider revising your will.

8. Short-term memory problems may result from either the drugs you are taking or those pesky neurological difficulties. Don’t feel embarrassed asking the strangers who visit what their names are. If one responds “Dad,” kindly pat his hands and tell him you were merely performing a psychological test on him and he passed, even if he still looks rather unfamiliar.

9. Don’t be afraid of the tunnel of white light. It’s just a special effect designed by George Lucas’s Industrial Light and Magic Company; it has something to do with that computer chip they soldered into your brain the last time they put you under. It is intended to comfort you when the time comes.

10. Don’t feel guilty about overstaying your welcome. Until we have universal health care and a single-payer system, you will be merely bilking some insurance company that has raped thousands over and over again. It is, in fact, your civic duty to run up the highest hospital bill. Pretend you are playing a pinball game, and your bill is your running score. Just keep on working at it and you may be allowed to enter your initials in the Book of Life.