Queer (18 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
On top of that, it can seem like no one understands your love. Your mom may think it's just a phase. Your friends like your girlfriend well enough but don't know how she fits into your clique. And her sister, well, she'll do anything to keepyou two apart. What do you do when faced with such obstacles?
It's very common in queer teen relationships to get super insular. No one cares for you like she does. No one understands you like her. So you end up dropping all your friends and spend time with her 24/7. But that's neither good nor healthy. For one, it reinforces to everyone that you've "changed" since you started being with her, which is not the message you want to send. And two, you've got to have separate interests to keep yourselves interesting to each other.
Avoid falling into what is known as the Urge to Merge. If you spend too much time together, you'll set up unrealistic expectations, rely too much on one another, and end up smothering each other. One day you 'll look in the mirror and realize that you dress alike, have the same hair, and worst of all, only talk in "we" statements. Ick. You were looking for a romantic partner, not an identical twin. And what happens if you ever fight or break up? If you've dumped all your friends, you may have no one to turn to for support. And then you'll
reatty
feel alone.
It's true: Into every sunny queer relationship a little rain must fall. Squabbles, sulks, spats, and full-on fights are normal, even if neither of you can remember what the problem was to begin with. And is it really worth ruining your relationship over basically nothing? Here are some tips for venting your frustration without doing damage you'll regret later.
Never fight when others are present.
Save the public drama for the school play. Ask your boyfriend if you can talk about what's bugging you somewhere private. Making a scene is never productive.
Take a time out.
If things are getting too hot, get out of there. Don't just walk out and slam the door, though. Stop, take a deep breath, offer to talk about things once you've both calmed down, and leave for a few minutes to take a walk around the block or to gather your thoughts in the other room.
Choose your words.
Yes, it's hard to control yourself when you're angry, but it's out of bounds to hit below the belt with your words by bringing up deep and intimate secrets, using racial or sexual slurs, or going overboard and blaming everything in the world on your partner. Say the wrong thing just once, and you can ruin an entire relationship. Cruel words stay imprinted in people's minds for what sometimes seems like eternity.
Never get physical.
Hitting someone is physical abuse and doing so will ruin everything. You'll not only harm your partner and betray any trust in the relationship, but you can also wind up in trouble with the law. Even raising your hand as a threat shows that you might think about resorting to violence, so don't do it. If you feel the urge to get physical, go outside and punch a rock, scream into a pillow, or do whatever it takes to get out your anger in a nonharmful way.
Not sure if your relationship is healthy? Take this quiz. (Substitute the pronouns with the one your partner goes by.)
- When you think of him:
a.You get a warm feeling all over.
b.You get a special stirring in your loins.
c.Um, he's all I ever think about. - When you hang out with your friends:
a.She's with her own friends.
b.She's my only friend.
c.She gets jealous. - When you do something stupid:
a.He laughs along with you.
b.He announces it to all of your friends.
c.He berates you and calls you names. - When she's being romantic she:
a.Makes a mixed CD of love songs.
b.Calls you her little marshmallow head.
c.Tells you if you leave, she'll kill herself. - When you don't go with him to something he invited you to he:
a.Tries not to rub it in, but tells you what a great time you missed.
b.Says you owe him one and reminds you of it constantly.
c.Throws a temper tantrum and storms out of your house. - She sees you laughing with a girl in your homeroom. She:
a.Smiles, waves hello, and waits for you to finish so you can go to lunch together.
b.Tries to join in the conversation to see what's so funny.
c.Demands to know who she is and accuses you of cheating. - He says he's going to the movies with his boys. You:
a.Tell him to call you tomorrow to tell you how it was.
b.Pout because you wanted to see that movie with him.
c.Sneak into the back of the movie theater to make sure he's really there and that no cute guys are with him. - You just got some bad news. She hears about it and says:
a."Baby, I'll be right over," and shows up with tissues and ice cream.
b."Oh, does that mean we aren't going bowling tonight?"
c."You think that's bad; wait until you hear about my day." - You show up in a new outfit. He says:
a."You look so sexy!"
b."I don't care about your shirt so long as it's off you."
c."That shirt looks stupid." - You just joined the lacrosse team. She:
a.Asks for your schedule so she can come to cheer you on.
b.Hangs around outside of practice, waiting for you.
c.Tells you to quit immediately because you won't have any time to spend with her.
If you answered mostly As,
congratulations! You've got a healthy start of a relationship to build on. You two seem to support each other in positive ways, and you both have your own lives. The key to a fulfilling relationship is to balance your time together with time pursuing your own interests, and you seem to be doing that well. And You haven't let your other friends drop off. That's important, too.
If you answered mostly Bs,
you both may be a little immature for a relationship. Each of you seems to think of yourself before the other, and you're kind of clingy and infatuated. Perhaps you like the
idea
of being in a relationship better than actually being in one. Remember, relationships are about give and take, compromise, and being there for the other personânot just getting your own needs met. Work on trying to put your partner's feelings before your own at least 50 percent of the time. If you find you can't do that, maybe you're just not ready for a relationship yet. That's OKâthis might be a time for you to focus on yourself. Just be honest about that.
If you answered mostly Cs,
we're worried about you. This relationship has some serious red flags and is possibly abusive. There are signs of controlling behavior, obsession, and manipulation. If Your partner doesn't love you for who you are, trust you, or respect your time with your friendsâor vice versaâyou'll never get anywhere. It's best to get out of this relationship and then examine why you were in it in the first place. With a little bit of growth and self-reflection, you're bound to find a healthier relationship next time.
Unfortunately, not all queer relationships are good news, and some relationship problems are actually pretty serious. If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, you probably are. If you're not sure, ask yourself these questions.
Does he yell at you often for things you didn't do?
Does she abuse alcohol or drugs?
Does he hit you?
Do you have to lie a lot to protect his feelings?
Are you letting her take pictures of you in situations that make you feel uncomfortable just because you want her to like you?
Does she threaten to hurt herself if you leave her?
Does he threaten you or your family?
Has she threatened to out you?
Has he kept you from your friends or humiliated you in front of other people?
Has she forced you to have sex when you didn't want to?
