Queer (15 page)

• End on a high note. If everything went well—and even if it didn't—remember to thank your date for the evening. If you really like her, you can send a cute, short text later as well to say that you had a good time.
  

Your first date went swimmingly—he even laughed when you told him he had spinach in his teeth—and you'd really like to go out with him again. Well, go ahead and ask. Wait until the end of your first date, of course, and then say something romantic but straightforward, like, "I had fun tonight, and I'm really enjoying getting to know you. Want to do it again?" If he says yes, great. Ask for his phone number if you don't already have it and call to set up something later in the week. Don't wait too long, though. Some people think it's best to wait at least three days before you call someone, but if you really like him, don't keep him hanging.

If he says no when you ask or says yes but then offers an excuse when you call, take it at face value and chalk it up to experience. If he hesitates or says he'd rather call you, that's OK. Sometimes it takes awhile for people to process how they feel about things, even if they've had an amazing time. Try not to get overly anxious waiting for the call by keeping busy with your own life and not checking your phone every two minutes. If he doesn't call after a week, he probably won't. Just let it go. Some people aren't good at being direct, which is unfortunate, but you can cut your losses by moving on and not obsessing over why he never contacted you again.

You were sure you and Joni would hit it off. She's so cute, working behind the scenes of the school play, dressed all in black. You always share a laugh about the drama behind the drama club. So it was a total surprise when she sat across from you on your first date, texting with her cousin about some lame reality show. WTF?

Or maybe you said or did something you think was incredibly embarrassing, like spilling a latte on your pants, telling a joke that completely bombed, or getting into a little argument about politics. Before asking for the check or assuming that your love life will always be sitcom material, take a moment to consider that the date might not be going as badly as it seems. First dates are awkward and not always the best indicator of whether or not you've found your soulmate. If you think there might be some potential there, stick with it; some people need two or three dates to find out if someone's right for them.

That said, things won't always work out. Even if the date isn't a complete disaster, one or both of you may notice early on that there's no chemistry. If the conversation comes to a complete halt or your date is doing something gross with her food or the minutes are dragging by slower than an algebra class in springtime, you may want to cut the date short.

But how? Sometimes the other person feels the same way, and you can just finish up your smoothie and say, "Thanks for hanging out. See you around!" and it'll be cool. But If you sense your date is more into you than you are into her, it can be tricky to disengage. Be honest! Don't say something lame, like you forgot you had other plans or you're feeling sick. Politely thank her for the evening and say you need to go. If she asks why, it's OK to say that you appreciated your time together, but for some reason you're just not feeling it. Don't promise to call if that's not what you intend. Being up front about your feelings early on is better than being trapped in a web of guilt and lies later and shows that you're a confident person who cares about others' feelings. You'll be so proud of the way you handled things that you may just want to date yourself.

You've
met someone! You've hung out for a while, had four or five dates, and are really into each other. This person seems perfect for you. Just as great, she's totally smitten with you as well. You go together like two queer peas in a perfectly decorated pod. Is it time to take the next step? What is the next step? Going steady? Going out? Picking out matching wedding dresses? Getting matching rainbow tats?

The best question to ask yourself is what are
you
looking for? That's a biggie, and it can sometimes take a long time and some emotional experience to discover the answer. There's a reason all those pop divas sell millions of records singing about the search for love. Everyone can relate. It takes time, energy, and yes, probably some heartbreak, too, before you find someone you really connect with. And even then, you'll probably try out all sorts of relationships before you find the one that's right for you and the person you're with. Remember: She may not know exactly what she's looking for either.

The most important thing to keep in mind is don't rush. There's no need to hurry up and plan out your retirement together in Palm Springs. Take your time. Enjoy just being together right now. If starting a relationship feels like too much pressure, then wait until the time is right. You'll know it when you feel it.

If you do feel you're ready to take it to another level with your sweetie, how do you do it? Sometimes two people just fall into a relationship naturally, as a consequence of having so much fun together. Sometimes it's more formal: One person asks another to make it official that they're going out. Either way, you should make sure that you both say it out loud at some point to avoid any confusion or hurt feelings down the line. We've known plenty of people who thought they were going out with someone, only to find out at some point that the other person had no idea!

Relationships come in many flavors and, like snowflakes or pancakes, no two are exactly alike. Yet they all require focus and dedication. Sometimes they can seem scary, but you'll find that with some patience, the right person, and the right amount of communication, you can easily form the kind of bond that's right for both of you. Your relationship will always be what you and your partner make it, and that will be a unique blend of happiness and craziness every time you are with someone new.

Deciding whether or not to start a queer relationship—or even knowing what a queer relationship is—can be confusing. Queer relationships exist in just as many different varieties as straight ones, but there may not be any obvious examples of queer relationships around for you to follow. Because queer people were traditionally (and sometimes still are) forced to stay in the closet, they have never beenfront and center in the media or on the street. That's one of the reasons why the fight for same-sex marriage rights is so important to a lot of people. It helps the public to recognize the huge amount of healthy, long-term queer relationships all around us.

One good thing about not having been inundated with representations of queer couples in magazines and on TV is that there are no rules to follow (short of being loving and respectful to each other, of course). You're free to define the kind of relationship that works for you and your partner and to invent something completely unique. You're also free to have the same traditional relationship your parents or your friends' parents might have. The important thing is to do what makes your heart happy.

You don't have to plan your future around having a relationship—or even have one at all. Plenty of people enjoy being single, and it's OK to concentrate on getting your own life together, waiting until the time is right for you to enter into a commitment with another person.

All that said, relationships are awesome experiences and can be a lot of fun. It's natural to want to take it to another level with someone you care about. One of the main purposes of starting an official relationship is to find out if those feelings are lasting and real. Can they survive getting closer to someone, or is it better for both of you to go back to being good friends who shared something meaningful for a while? Do you make a good team for facing life's ups and downs? Can you be there for each other in a deeper sense? In many cases, you'll never know until you try.