Queer (12 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
That being said, more people are open to dating trans people than you think! Sometimes it just takes a little while for your crush to get used to the idea.
So how to bring up the topic? Every situation is unique, and there are no hard and fast rules to follow. You could bring it up right off, which would be fairly easy If you meet in a queer setting, like a GSA meeting or at a local queer youth event, since everyone is talking about their personal experiences. You could also wait a few dates and just get to know each other casually first (or hang out with a group of friends). But if you've gone out a couple of times and your date still doesn't know that you're trans, you should talk about it before things get physical.
You may want to practice this reveal with supportive friends first so you feel more comfortable about any potential reactions. Try starting the conversation with phrases like, "I feel really great when we're together, and I want to share something about me with you" or "I want to tell you something that I think you're cool enough to handle." These approaches may make things go smoother than just blurting it out or trying to slip hints. The important thing to remember is that you're not revealing some terrible secret. Rather, you're sharing a wonderful part of yourself with someone you're interested in. It's a sign of personal integrity that you can be open about your life.
If you "prescreened" your date by seeing if he or she is open to trans dating before you went out, things will probably go well. Even if you haven't, you may receive a positive reactionâyou certainly deserve one! People might also say they think being trans is cool but that they aren't into it or they may ask you to give them some time to process it and understand better what that means. Unfortunately, there have also been cases where someone hearing the news has gotten upset, even violent. It's less likely that this will occur if your date is queer-friendly or if the relationship hasn't gotten very far yet. But just in case, you may want to have the conversation in a public place.
Another thing that comes along with queer dating is the fine line between friendship and romantic interest.
As you know by now, queer dating isn't always like a scene out of a Hollywood romantic comedy, where couples are freely strolling through parks or one teen is getting picked up at the front door by a date for the prom. A lot of queer dating happens when no one is looking. One of you may not be out to your parents or at school, or you both may not be ready to hold hands in public. You should never out someone before they are ready. The situation can be frustrating and take time to resolve, but sometimes you might need to date in secret. This may mean sharing lunch at a restaurant away from your neighborhood, introducing your date to people as your friend, or calling your romantic interest after your parents have gone to bed. We're not suggesting that deceit is a good way to live; it's not. But your security has to come first. If the world around you makes it impossible to date or hang out with other queer teens, you'll have to find your own way to do it.
In high school, a lot of our friends are just naturally the same gender. For queer teens, that creates extra opportunities for a friend-crush to develop unexpectedly. You may think you're just hanging out with someone as pals and suddenly feel sparks. Or you may discover that a longtime friend who you never even considered dating has harbored a deep crush on you this whole timeâand you didn't know!
It's true that sometimes friends make the best relationship material. But sometimes a friend is ... just a friend. So take it slow, keep assessing the situation and your feelings, and never feel pressured to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you start to feel something deeper than friendship with someone and wonder if they feel the same, you can let them know in a casual way, like, "We know each other so well, maybe we should just date already! Ha, ha!" See what the reaction is. Sure, you may be worried that bringing up the topic could ruin your friendship, and we're not gonna lie to you: It can be awkward for a while if your crush doesn't reciprocate. But true friendships will survive. If things get a little weird, give the person some space and come back to the friendship with the clear intention to keep it platonic.
You figured out that your crush is queer-friendly, and you're pretty sure you like her/himâa lot. Awesome. Now what? It's time to make your move. Here's a handy four-step guide to asking someone out. (We use a girl as an example, but it works for anyone!)
Approach your crush when she's by herself. Ask how she's doing. Flirt a little. Make a joke or some comment to put her at ease, like "Hey, great jacket! Where do you get that?" or "Did you see the look on Mr. Kennedy's face when I said that Venezuela was the second planet in the solar system?"
Mention an activity that you'd like to ask her to do. "Have you seen the new Drew Barrymore movie?" "I hear there are some hot bands playing in the park this weekend." "My cousin is hosting an open mic night next weekend at my church."
Ask her to join you. "I was thinking of going, would you like to go with me?"
Wait for her response. If she says, yes, great! Tell her you'll call or text with the details. If she says no, don't ask why, just say "OK, cool". If she's interested, she'll probably suggest another time to hang out. If she just lets it go, her heart may be somewhere else.
My First Real Date
I lived in a place where not a lot of other teens were out, so naturally, the minute any other male expressed even one iota of curiosity, my girlfriends had us married already. They kept telling me I had to meet this guy Rory. I'd hung out with
other gay guys before, but only casually, and I had no idea how to date other than what I saw on TV. My friend Tanisha arranged for us to have a blind date at a kind of fancy restaurant and then succeeded in making me freak out about everything, from what I was going to wear to what we were going to eat.
I ended up going to meet Rory with a big bunch of expensive flowers, a heart-shaped box of chocolates, and a mix of gooey love songs that I hated. In formal wear. It was way too much too soon. Luckily, Rory realized I was really nervous and had never been on a date before, so we ended up just laughing about it. We eventually became good friends, but after that I realized that I didn't have to bring a bunch of clichés with me on a date (or let my friends control my love life). My relaxed and stylish self, plus a few casual flourishesâlike telling him he's a good listener, or opening the door for himâwere all that was needed to make a pleasant evening.
Getting rejected sucks. Especially If you really took a risk and put yourself out there. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away and give yourself space. Vent to a trusted friend about what happened, cry if you need to. And then, when you're done wallowing, get out of the house. Go to a movie or for a run. Hang out with some friends whom you can count on to make you laugh. Although it might be hard not to take it personally, most likely this isn't aboutyou but where the other person is at. Eventually you will find someone else whom you'll want to ask out. Romantic rejection is part of life, like not making the cut for the team or the school play. It feels really crappy, but it also reminds you that you are alive. If you let the fear of rejection rule you, you'll basically never do anything. Ever. Now what kind of life would that be?
If you've secured a date, you'll need a place to go. A great first date is all about sharing in a fun yet relaxing activityâno parasailing or scuba diving yet!âthat will give you the opportunity to get to know someone better, see if there is a vibe between you, and find out if you want to have a second date. Awkwardness and nervousness are to be expected, especially if you're really into the other person. What to do on a first date? Here are a few ideas.
