Queer (11 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
There's no way to avoid being embarrassed by jokers in high school; it happens to everyone who's a little different, whether because of their weight, intelligence, sexual orientation, or whatever. Just be true to yourself and act with dignity. If you blow it off and rise above it, you'll be the one laughing in the end.
Being a teen comes with a lot of pressure. Being a queer teen comes with even more. You may get really frustrated and angry sometimes. Those are valid feelings, and it's OK to have them. But you don't need to act on them. Try to avoid plotting revenge scenarios or getting obsessed about what others think of you. Revenge plots can seriously backfire, and obsessions just suck away all of your energy. Channel your negative emotions instead into creative projects or planning your future. Soon you'll be able to get the hell out and never see any of these nutcases again. Revenge will be yours when you win your Academy Award or Nobel Peace Prize or just wind up in a healthier, more meaningful relationship than all of these people could ever attain.
It takes a lot of strength to be brave and live your life and even more to not become a hater yourself. But remember that hating takes a lot of energy and puts negativity into the world, so save your energy for things that will better yourself and promote understanding. When you feel that the pressures are getting to be too much or that no one will ever understand you, step back, take a deep breath, and get some perspective on the situation. Try to relax. Go somewhere you feel safe or comfortable to reboot and start again. Keep a hold of your inner self. Listen to some favorite music. Talk to someone who understands. Write a poem. If you find your mind is spinning off in too
On the Wrong Team
When I was a freshman, I was briefly on the track team. I was excited because our track coach was also my English teacher, and English was my favorite class. OK, I also had a bit of a crush on him. He was cute!
Things were going great until one day, out of the blue, he called me off the track and told me to run in place in front of everyone else. /As I was running, he started laughing and said, "You run like a faggot!" That made everyone else laugh at me, too. You can bet I ran out of there (like a faggot) and found an empty room in the school to cry. I was mortified.
When I told my school counselor and my vice principal, I didn't get very much support. The counselor told me that gay people weren't very good at sports anyway, and I should try a different hobby, like hairdressing. (What?) And my vice principal took the opportunity to tell me that I should wear nicer clothes. (As if that had anything to do with anything.) My parents weren't much help, either; they basically said to just try to move on, but I was too upset to hear that.
A couple of days later, this popular guy Chris came up to me at my locker and said he had heard about what happened. I thought he was going to laugh at me, too. But instead he told me he was putting together an intramural basketball team and wanted to know if I'd like to join. At first I thought it might be a trap, so I just told him I'd come to one of the practices and see. After all, there's a lot of running in basketball, and I didn't want live through another bad experience. But it turned out he actually thought I was a good athlete and really did want me for the team. I made some great friends on that team, and was glad to find out that there were cool people in the world to balance out the jerks.
many directions, try meditating, exercising, dancing, or anything that brings you back into your body and helps you to get a clearer vision of the amazing person you are and your goals for the future. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself, but that doesn't move you ahead; it only holds you back. Do what it takes to stay on a positive path, even if that means ignoring a lot of the bull happening around you. Often, better times are just around the corner.
MAKING YOUR MOVE: Queer Dating
So
you think coming out and dealing with haters is hard? Try dating! No, just kidding. Dating is, of course, one of best parts about being queer. But it does mean taking a risk and making a little bit of effort. Mr. Wonderful probably isn't going to just gallop up to your castle, fight his way past the flying monkeys to the throne room, and plop himself down in your royal lap. And Ms. Right may not be waiting for you at your locker in her hot soccer short-shorts with a pair of front-row tickets to the rest of your amazing life together. But does that mean you should resign yourself to a lonely life of lying around in your fuzzy Big Bird slippers with your 23 cats, eating bowl after bowl of chicken noodle soup while you secretly wonder what might have been? Hardly. You're just going to have to put yourself out there.
Dating can often be awkward and stressful no matter your age, sexual orientation, or however laidback you try to be about it. But as a queer teen, you've got a few more challenges on your plate. For one, your options are limited: There may not be many other available queer teens around to practice your skills on, let alone ones you find attractive. On top of that, your parents might not be comfortable with the idea or could even actively discourage you from dating someone of your own gender. And there isn't exactly an overload of examples of wonderful queer dating in the media or in history class. You're breaking new ground every time you ask someone out. Sometimes this can lead to frustration, like trying to fit size-13 feet into a dainty pair of Cinderella glass pumps.
Even us fairy godmothers still have our share of crazy meet-ups. Marke once took a guy on a date to a playâand the guy actually brought his grandmother with him! Not only that, but he also expected Marke to buy all three tickets and then did nothing but complain, loudly, all the way through. Needless to say, there was no second date (even though Marke totally bonded with Grandma over how rude her grandkid was).
So relax. You're just starting to explore your romantic options. A fantastic world of possibilities is peeking out, not like some unfortunate girl's G-string but like the hot-pink sun at the dawn of a new, potentially awesome day. This is the fun part, and it's not as hard as you may think it is. You can use the whole dating thing to gain confidence while learning more about yourself and the world around you. And remember these words from a wise old drag queen: "Those who don't go for it never know from it!"
OK, there's this really cute girl in your Gay-Straight Alliance who makes your heart vibrate louder than your phone every time she texts you. Or maybe there's an amazing guy in your science class, and you're wondering if there's any real chemistry between you. Should you start flirting?
Here's where things get tricky. To lessen your chances of rejection, find out if your crush plays on the lavender team. How do you figure out if someone is LGBT or not without coming off like a total dork or a stalker? You just need to be sly. Here's a hypothetical situation.
Sasha's in your Spanish class. You just love the way that wisp of black hair falls in front of her eye. Plus she cracks you up big time. You always save seats for each other and research swear words in foreign languages to share with each other. You're becoming good friends, but you start to feel something deeper and want to ask her out on an official date. Would she be down?
First, figure out how she feels about gay or trans people in general. If the topic has never come up, drop it into conversation, like suggesting you two research the word gay in another language and see if she melts into a pile of annoying giggles or honestly seems interested in pursuing the topic. You could talk about famous people who've dressed in drag for movies, TV shows, or photo shoots. Or you could ask her what teachers she thinks are cute and then tell her you've got the hots for Ms. Peltier, the health teacher. Or, hey, why not go for broke and just flat out ask her if she'd ever kiss a girl? (In Spanish, of course. It will sound way cooler.)
Once you've brought up the topic, assess her reaction and decide whether or not to proceed. If she says she likes girls, too, great news. If she likes both boys and girls, then she may be open to dating bi or trans people (more about trans dating on
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). But if she says she's straight, set your sights elsewhere. You can no more make a straight girl gay than she could make you want to be with boys. (The same obviously goes for straight guys.)
Of course, some LGBT kids take longer to come out than others, and it may take them awhile to admit it to you. If you sense that's the case, be patient. It's best not to push and to let people come out at their own pace.
Maybe you're still not sure if your crush is queerâor if you even like him or her in that way. Love doesn't always happen at first sight, and when it does, it doesn't always last. If you're on the fence, work on getting to know your love interest better.
If he's a schoolmate, make a point to get to know him outside of the academic setting. You don't want every conversation to be about the difficulty of the algebra test or why your lockers were built in the Stone Age and are always stuck shut. That won't get you anywhere but Boringsville. Besides, school is a world of its own. You need to observe him in a different setting to see if you really gel. Find an excuse to hang out after school: watch a soccer game, grab a burrito, go shopping. Friendship is a great precursor to dating. And sometimesâlike after watching him shove fries up his nose and pretend to be a walrusâyou may decide that friendship is the best way to go after all.
If you feel ready, you can come out to him. If he's queer, he'll probably tell you. If you're getting confusing messages, you might have to ask fiat out. "Would you ever date a guy?" If he says he would, woo hoo! You're on your way. If not and you like him enough as a person, keep him around as a friend.
Transgender teens have a slightly different situation. For one, not all people will get what it means to be trans, and some may feel confused about what it means to date someone who doesn't identify with their biological gender. Trans dating can also get complicated If you are already passing for a different gender and the object of your affection doesn't know you are trans. Your date could feel betrayed after finding out, thinking that you presented yourself on the outside as something different than what your physical body looks like naked (at least for now). It's really important to make sure that the person you are dating knows you are trans and is open to dating someone transâor you'll both get hurt.
