Rainbow Boys (4 page)

“Bless you!” Kyle said. “Your hand is like ice.”

“Never mind that. How’s my hair? The green isn’t running all over me, is it?” Kyle grinned. “No.” He folded up his umbrella.

“So?” Nelson said, trying not to sound eager. “A re you going to tell me what happened with you and Miss Jason?” Kyle shrugged. “We talked after school yesterday. I think he’s pretty scared that someone’s going to find out he came to the meeting. I know you said you haven’t, but … you won’t tell anyone, will you?”

“Of course not,” Nelson said. “You should’ve seen his face this morning when Debra ran up to see my hair. He looked scared poopless.

A fraid I’ll tell his sweetheart he’s a cock-sucker.”

Kyle rubbed his forehead beneath the bill of his cap.

“Stop worrying.” Nelson pulled a cigarette out of his pack. “I told you I won’t say anything. Look, I know you’re obsessed with him.

You’re powerless. Out of control.” He struck a match, but it was too soaked to strike a flame. “Shit.” Kyle tipped his cap back. “Do you really think I’m out of control? I know he’s not interested in me, but maybe we could be friends.” He grew silent, staring into space.

Nelson recognized the look: glazed eyes, sullen mouth, jaw thrust forward—like a zombie. Kyle had entered “The Jason Zone.” Nelson snapped his fingers. “Hey, you want to come over?”

Kyle continued staring into space.

“Hello!” Nelson shouted. “A nybody home?” He cupped his hands around his mouth. “I said—” Kyle raised his hand to stop him. “I heard you.” He swung the bill of his cap sideways—back and forth across his forehead. “I can’t. I have a paper to write.”

Nelson sneezed again. “You can write it at my place.” He wiped his nose.

Kyle frowned. “You’re going to catch cold. Here.” He took off his cap, then pulled off his sweatshirt. His T-shirt rode up, exposing his abs. Nelson wished he had abs like Kyle’s. He wished he had a body like Kyle’s—slender and toned, broad swimmer’s shoulders, thin waist. Kyle handed him the sweatshirt, put his cap back on, and pulled his shirt down.

“Come over,” Nelson insisted, pulling the sweatshirt over his head. “Just for a little while. Please?” Kyle smiled. “A ll right.”

Nelson felt the warmth of Kyle’s sweatshirt. It smelled like Kyle, a good smell of chlorine swimming pools. Nelson dried his face with the shirtsleeve and breathed it in. Maybe Shea was right, maybe he was in love with Kyle.

Friday evening Jason showered and dressed to go out with Debra. He clasped a chrome bead chain around his neck, admired it in the mirror, and headed to the kitchen.

A s he walked in, his mom handed him a jar to open. “Honey, can you, please?” His six year-old sister ran to him, holding a crayon drawing. “Look at my kitty!” Jason handed the opened jar to his mom and compared Melissa’s crayon blob with his cat, Rex, on the windowsill. “Yep, looks just like him.”

Melissa giggled and sat down. His mom told him Debra had called while he was in the shower. “She said she’s on her way.”

“Can I have money for dinner and the movie?” Jason asked, picking up his mom’s pocketbook.

His mom spooned some mayonnaise into a bowl. “Take ten.”

“Ma!” Jason protested. “You can’t even buy a frigging French fry for ten.” His mom rattled the spoon against the bowl. “Okay, twenty. But don’t tell your dad.” Jason pulled out the money. A s he returned her wallet a pamphlet caught his attention. “A l-A non?” His mom looked over at him, then at Melissa, like she was deliberating. “Sue at work gave it to me. It’s a group to help people involved with alcoholics.”

Jason grabbed the Coke out of the refrigerator. “He’s the one who needs help.”

“I wish you two would try to get along.”

Jason had tried, but there seemed to be no pleasing his father. Even when he did what his dad told him—take out the trash, clean out the truck, turn down the stereo—his dad still called him names: Stupid, Dummy, Fairy-Boy, Pansy. His anger seemed more than just a

“Latino temper,” as his mom called it. Jason had given up trying to understand what made him so full of rage.

He poured a glass of Coke as headlights flashed in the driveway. His mom grabbed the A l-A non pamphlet and stuffed it back into her pocketbook. Melissa ran to the door. “Daddy!”

He scooped her into his arms. “Hi, princess.”

“Hi, honey,” said Jason’s mom, trying to be cheerful, as usual. “How was your day?”

“Same crap as always.” He put Melissa down and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. Then his dark eyes locked on Jason. “What’s around your neck, pearls?”

Melissa put down her crayon and covered her ears.

Jason sipped his Coke. “No, diamonds.”

“Don’t mouth off to me. You look queer. Take it off.”

“I’m not taking it off. Debra gave it to me.”

His dad grabbed for the chain, and his arm knocked Jason’s glass. It shattered to the floor.

“Would you both stop?” His mom shoved her hands between them.

His dad backed down, sipping his beer. “A lways mothering him. No wonder he’s such a pansy.” Disgust dripped from his voice.

The doorbell rang. “There’s Debra.” His mom grabbed a sponge. “Go. I’ll clean this up.” Jason pecked her a kiss. “Thanks.”

His dad slammed his beer bottle down. “Make him clean it up!”

“Honey, I said I’ll do it.”

Jason patted his sister and hurried out to Debra. He climbed into the passenger’s side and pulled down the visor mirror, checking his neck chain to see if his dad was right.

Debra leaned over and kissed him. “You like it?”

He wanted to tell her what his dad had said. He wished he could share with her all his confusion. Instead he flipped the visor back up and said, “Yeah.”

A t the mall they met Cindy and Corey and went to the burger place. In front of them in line were two thin guys in polo shirts. Debra dangled her wrist limply, and silently mouthed the word “Homos.”

Cindy and Corey burst out laughing. Jason didn’t.

Debra’s smile sagged. “Jason? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” he lied. “Let’s order.”

While they sipped their drinks, they talked about school. Eventually the conversation turned to Nelson’s green hair. Cindy laughed. “He’s such a freak.”

Corey shook his head. “It’s amazing someone hasn’t killed him. Remember when Jack Ransom tried to flush his head in the toilet? If I hadn’t gotten the principal—”

“You were there?” Cindy broke in. Corey nodded, biting into his burger.

“I admire him,” Debra said. “He sits next to me in chem class.”

Jason felt the cold ice of his drink against the back of his throat. He’d forgotten that Debra had a class with Nelson.

“He wants to start a Gay-Straight A lliance at school,” Debra continued. “He asked if I’d join.” The ice slipped into Jason’s windpipe and he coughed.

Debra patted him on the back. “A re you all right?”

Jason nodded and fought for breath.

Debra lifted a french fry between her fingers. “I asked him what the group would be like, and he told me about this gay and lesbian group downtown. A nd you know what he said when I asked him if there was anyone else from Whitman?” Jason’s heart raced as Debra sipped on the straw in her drink. “He said I’d be surprised.” Jason lifted his burger, then set it down. His throat felt like it had a noose around it. If he tried to eat, he’d choke.

Cindy leaned toward Debra. “Did he say who?”

Debra patted her lips with the tip of her napkin before answering. “No. I’m dying to find out, though. I’d be curious to go sometime.”

“I’d go with you”—Cindy stopped and laughed—“except they might think we’re a couple!” Debra laughed and turned to Jason. “How about if you go with me?”

Jason’s mind reeled. She couldn’t be serious.

Corey and Cindy stared at him, waiting for him to say something. But no words would come.

Debra laughed. “I don’t know why guys are always so scared about gays. How about you, Corey? Would you go?”

“No way.” He crumpled the burger wrapper in his fist. “You won’t catch me in a room full of faggots.” Jason forced down the rest of his burger, though he’d lost his appetite.

A t the movie all he could think about was the dinner conversation. He imagined Debra going to the queers’ meeting and Nelson telling her about him. Why had he ever gone? The meeting had only confused him more, with all the talk about coming out. He wasn’t coming out to anyone.

When the movie ended, they said good night to Corey and Cindy. He and Debra drove back to her house. In the basement rec room, she sat beside him on the couch and took hold of his fingertips. “Sweetheart, you’ve been biting your nails again. I thought you were over that.”

He yanked his hand away. “I am.” A t least he had been, until that stupid meeting.

“Honey, what’s the matter?” She put her arm around him, her soft red hair brushing his cheek. “You didn’t laugh once through the whole movie.”

Could he tell her? A fter all, she had said she admired Nelson and that she was curious to go to the Rainbow Youth meeting.

He drew a breath. “I was thinking … about what we talked about at dinner. You know, about … have you ever, like, thought about, you know, doing it with another girl?”

Debra stared at him, then sat up and stared at him some more. “No! Why does the thought of two girls always turn you guys on?” Jason knew he shouldn’t have said anything. It was useless.

She would never understand. “I was just curious,” he said, and bit into a fingernail.

Debra gently took his hand away from his mouth. “Well, it’s not going to happen, okay?” She kissed him, and her voice softened. “I only want to be with you.” She gazed dreamily into his eyes.

He knew she wanted to fool around. That was one of the nice things about her. He felt sorry for his friends who had to coax and cajole their girlfriends just to get a little squeeze. A nd after worrying about the stupid homos’ meeting, Kyle, and Nelson all week, Jason definitely wanted to fool around too. A t least it would take his mind off everything—and prove once again he wasn’t queer.

He leaned over her. A s usual, they would kiss for about fifteen minutes. Then he would slip his hand into her blouse, and she would remove her bra. Her breathing would come in short little bursts. Then he would slide his hand into her pants, and her breathing would become longer and deeper. Once she began to moan, he knew she was ready for him.

But the routine didn’t work tonight. A s soon as he started to kiss her, the thought of chartreuse-haired Nelson sitting beside her in science class intruded. Jason turned away, frustrated, and buried his face in his hands.

“Did I do something wrong?” Debra said.

Jason looked up at her. “No.”

“Then what is it?” Her blue eyes stared at him. “Tell me.”

Jason shrugged. “I’m just tired of this routine.” He knew that wasn’t really it, but it was part of it. “W-why do I always have to make the moves?”

Debra laughed, but she sounded offended. “‘Cause I’m the girl. Would you rather have sex with a guy?” The words stung like a slap on the face. “What do you mean by that?”

Debra folded her arms. “You do not make all the moves. I remember when you used to be desperate to be with me. Now half the time you don’t even seem interested.”

He was interested, if for no other reason than to reassure himself he wasn’t queer. But he sure as hell couldn’t tell her that.

She shook her head. “Sometimes I feel like you don’t really care about me anymore.” He put his arms around her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, kissing her. “I do care about you.” She unfolded her arms and let his tongue in, then rolled her tongue across his. A nd taking his hand, she gently kissed his fingers. “How about we try something different?”

His pulse quickened. “What do you mean?”

She slid his fingers into her mouth and rolled her tongue around them, between them, making them wet. “Relax, baby.” His heartbeat grew faster. Was she about to do what he thought?

She leaned over him, and her kisses moved down his torso as she unbuttoned his shirt, then unfastened his belt. A lthough they’d had sex dozens of times, she’d never done this with him. “Too one-sided,” she’d protested.

Her head was in his lap. He wanted to ask if she was sure she wanted to do this. But it was making him too wild with excitement to say anything.

He ran his fingers through her hair, feeling like he was about to burst. He watched her through the blur of half-closed eyes, then suddenly it was no longer Debra but Kyle, her red hair transformed into Kyle’s cap.

Unsettled by the vision, Jason tried to stop himself but couldn’t. Too late.

It was over. He leaned back against the sofa and slowly regained his breath. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. He’d wanted to have sex with his girl to feel better. Instead he’d thought about another boy while his girl … He didn’t want to think about it.

Debra brought her head up from his lap and laid it on his chest. He held her for a while, stroking her hair, all the while wanting to leave.

He needed to talk to someone about his queer confusion—but who? He couldn’t go back to the meeting, not with Nelson—or Debra—