Raising Rain (45 page)

“That was nice.” Bebe tried to read Rain's thoughts, but Rain kept her eyes on the photograph.

“I called him on New Year's from Mom's.”

“Well, that's a start.”

Rain shrugged. “People get lonely around the holidays. He may be sorry we talked.”

Bebe said, “I don't think so.”

Rain glanced up and gave her a small smile. “You have to say that.”

Rain sighed, studying the photo. “I wouldn't blame him if he was sorry. I've had such a complicated example of what two people should be like together. I've got Mom and William, and you and Neil. Mom telling me that marriage is surrender, doing everything possible to draw the line between her and William. You and Neil . . . you sort of blurred together.”

“But we've each kept our own distinctiveness. We respect each other's differences and give each other space to be who we are.”

“In all the years you've been together, didn't you ever want to call it quits?”

“No. Don't get me wrong, we've had our disagreements,” Bebe assured her, “but nothing came up that we couldn't work out.”

“Wasn't there ever a time when the two of you wanted something so opposite, that you couldn't agree? Who decided, then?”

Bebe thought about it. “That's never happened.”

“Come on,” Rain said, skeptical. “Someone had to give in at some point.”

“Okay, I see what you mean. Basically, if it's something that Neil cares more strongly about, I don't fight it. And if it's something that I have a bigger stake in, he lets it go. Of course, that arrangement didn't
come naturally. It developed over time as we learned to trust each other. Some things just aren't worth fighting over.”

Bebe didn't want to alienate Rain, but she couldn't let the opportunity pass them by, so she pressed on.

“I think a marriage vow makes it a little more difficult to walk away when you disagree. You may be angry with the person, but if you hang around long enough, a solution might present itself, or you may see that it's not as big a problem as you first thought, especially if you both look to God for the answers. Of course, this is only my experience, but if Neil hadn't made a formal commitment to me, I think I might have held back a little. Maybe the intimacy and trust wouldn't quite have been there. And that would have made it easier to leave when we disagreed.”

Rain looked thoughtful for a moment. “I don't know if that would have worked for us.”

Bebe said, “You don't know until you try.”

“Hayden brought up the subject once. We joked that if we got married and I changed my name, it would be Rain Coates.” She tossed the photo back into the box and added thoughtfully, “I think he was serious about getting married, but I shut him down. I realize now I did that a lot.”

She reached into the box, pulled out a picture of Jude in a pantsuit wearing aviator-style glasses and big bangs, and held it up for Bebe to see. “She would have made a horrible grandmother.”

Bebe grimaced. “I have to agree with you on that.” She studied Rain for a moment. “I saw a devotional pamphlet on Jude's nightstand the last time I was there.”

Rain didn't look up from sifting through the photos. “The hospice nurse left it.” She chuckled, with a shake of her head. “I walked in once to find Mom reading it. You would've thought I'd caught her reading someone's diary.”

Bebe felt warmed by this knowledge. “Did she ever say anything about it?”

“No.” Rain stacked some photos. “But she wouldn't have.”

“Does Hayden know you're trying to have a baby?”

“Yes, but I've stopped taking the shots for now.”

“Are you giving up?”

“It's a lot of money I don't have. And I'm tired of giving myself shots for nothing. I just have to . . . think.”

Bebe tried not to let her relief show. Rain had so many other issues to figure out that rushing into raising a child alone would only multiply her problems exponentially.

Rain gathered the photos and shoved them back into the box, keeping two out. “I guess it's not just about the money. It's all part of how I was becoming like Mom. Controlling everything. Forcing my own way in situations without considering the consequences. Disregarding other people's opinions if they differed from mine. It's not right, and I need some time to take stock before I inflict any more damage.” She pushed the lid onto the box. “It already cost me Hayden.

“There are just too many questions that I don't have answers for. Like, whether I have the right to deliberately choose a fatherless existence for a child. It may have been good for Mom, but it wasn't for me. And if I came up with multiples, they recommend that you do selective reduction and I don't think I could do that—not after the abortion.”

She got up and placed the photo box on a high shelf, pushing it to the back. “Mom would say that I don't need Hayden. That I can make it on my own. And I could, but why would I want to if I had a choice? I mean, she may have needed to prove something, but I don't. And I don't really want to be without him.”

Bebe said, “Sometimes people fight against the very thing they want or need the most. I think your mom really wanted to be loved and have security and share her life with someone. That's why she kept you. That's why she had a relationship with William. She just couldn't risk making herself vulnerable.”

“Poor William. I hope he's happy now. He was gone more and more often the worse she got. I wasn't sure if he just couldn't stand being there anymore, or if he was stepping back and arranging for us to have some time for closure.”

“Maybe a little of both?”

“Maybe.”

“So did it help?” Bebe asked.

Rain studied the two photos she'd kept out without looking up. “Yes and no. I felt like I did everything I could to make her comfortable. I even apologized for blowing up at her, but she said it was probably all true and that was the end of it. I don't think I ever really made her happy.”

“I know it seemed that way, but she was very proud of you.”

Rain shrugged a shoulder noncommittally. “Did I tell you I'm signing over the house to William?”

Bebe smiled. “That's a wonderful thing to do, Rain.”

“It's not my house, it belongs to him. Mom even said it was all right with her if I did.” She considered, thoughtfully. “I never expected to hear her say that.”

This was good news to Bebe. It was further proof that Jude's heart had softened. “Have you told Hayden about the cremation?”

Her countenance darkened. “There will be an announcement in the paper. If he wants to come, he can.”

Bebe almost objected, but kept her thoughts to herself. She decided to see what Neil could do about getting him there.

B
ebe and Neil picked up Rain on the morning they were to scatter Jude's ashes. She looked somber, yet serenely beautiful holding Jude's ashes in her lap.

Bebe hoped that what she'd possibly set in motion wouldn't add to her discomfort or complicate the day further for her.

They drove to San Francisco, going out of the way to pick up Toni first because she hated driving in the city. She was dressed in a chic navy pantsuit with appropriate flats, and mentioned that she hoped Jude appreciated the sacrifice she was making since she'd used her last motion sickness patch on their Mediterranean cruise and was sure she would embarrass herself before the day was out if the bay was the least bit choppy.

They pulled into the parking lot of the charter company and spotted Mare's Prius. They pulled into a space beside her and got out. The others kept a lookout for William, but Bebe watched for a silver Expedition. Unfortunately, silver cars were everywhere. The day was sunny, but the wind whipped sharply, and she pulled her coat collar tight against her neck.

They walked together toward the dock and Rain checked in at the office. She said they told her everything was ready, and to let them know when her entire party had arrived. When William joined them, Rain hugged him and threaded her arm through his.

Bebe scanned the parking lot, hoping for just a few more minutes. The captain came out and asked if everyone was accounted for. Rain said they were, and Bebe frowned at Neil, who discreetly lifted his shoulders. Once more, she searched for a silver Expedition.

“Wait,” Bebe said to them. “Just one more moment, please.”

“Why? We're all here,” Rain asked.

Then Bebe saw Rain look past her, and her countenance changed. Bebe turned to see a figure in a dark sports coat hurrying toward them. As he neared, he slowed as though he wasn't sure if his presence was expected. Rain handed Jude's ashes to William and walked out to meet him. They stood face-to-face, talking quietly, and then both walked back to the group. Bebe told the captain that they were all ready, and they boarded the boat.

The bay was choppy and ten minutes into the trip, Toni was positively green. She said it was Jude's revenge. They each said a few words in Jude's memory, and even Toni found something nice to say, although she had to swallow several times midspeech and clutched the rail tightly.

Bebe was so grateful that Neil was there, because the uncertainty of her last conversation with Jude left her feeling hopeful and remorseful at the same time. She wondered if people were ever truly at peace when they stood by the grave of a loved one. Was there something left unsaid? Was there more for which there were no words?

By the time the memorial was over, and Rain had released her mother's ashes beneath the Golden Gate Bridge, Bebe felt as bad as Toni looked. They returned to the dock and carefully disembarked.

Rain came over and hugged Bebe and Neil. “Thanks for being here with me today. I love you both.” Bebe saw Neil wipe the corner of his eye.

“Hayden offered to give me a ride back, if you don't mind. We might stop for dinner.”

Bebe tried to hide her satisfaction. “Sure, honey. We won't be stopping to eat, anyway.” Toni looked up briefly from her seat on the curb. Her eyes were hidden behind dark sunglasses and her expression sagged in her pale face.

Everyone hugged, said good-bye, and went their separate ways.

Later that evening, Bebe left a message on William's answering machine to let him know they were thinking about him. She then checked on Toni to remind her that they were getting together on the following Saturday to work on the endowment fund. Lawrence answered and said that Toni wasn't yet among the living, and he'd pass the message along. Then he apologized that his comment had been in poor taste, but Bebe said she had spent the afternoon with Toni and that the description fit.

She called Mare next, who commented on what a beautiful day it had been and how Jude would have liked it. Bebe shared about her last conversation with Jude. She felt that Mare would understand the hope that she felt upon discovering Jude had read the devotional pamphlet, and how inadequate she had felt in the brief time she had at Jude's bedside.

“Bebe, Jude probably felt free to read it because she didn't really know the hospice nurse who gave it to her. Sometimes people will be open to a stranger before they'll listen to family,” Mare pointed out. “Jude would never have admitted it to us if it had made a difference to her.”

“I think, in her own way, she was trying to. She had voiced her doubts about God to me when we were at the aquarium, but she knew how to push my buttons and I let her get to me.”

“I think Jude was open to the message in the pamphlet only because you sowed seeds all those years.”

The Scripture verse about one man sowing and another watering came to mind, and Bebe felt comforted. “We can only hope.” Bebe called Rain's house next to invite her to be a part of their project, but the phone rang until the answering machine picked up, and she smiled to herself and hung up without leaving a message.

Rain felt both awkward and familiar in the passenger seat of the Expedition with Hayden at the wheel. Neither of them spoke as Hayden wound his way confidently through Bay Area traffic while they listened to smooth jazz on the radio. Rain discreetly surveyed the car's interior for signs of female occupants such as long blonde hairs, and noticed only a bit of candy wrapper in the door pocket. She resisted the urge to pluck it out and examine it for clues.