Random Acts of Senseless Violence (20 page)

I couldn't take it Anne. I reached in my pocket and took out the money she gave me and stuffed it in her hand. ‘I'm not a Death Angel here take it back' I said. Jude looked at me like I was a street raver. ‘I better go home' I said. ‘Weez ain't gonna ex you she nothin but blowin wind' Jude said but I was already walking off. ‘Lola wait' Iz said running after me. I stopped at the corner and she caught up with me. ‘Jude adrenalized from tossin Weez she'll cool' she said. ‘What do I do about Weezie then?' I asked. She didn't answer. ‘Hear me I call tomorrow you be around?' Iz asked. I nodded. When the light changed I crossed the street and ran to the subway.

There you have it Anne. I don't seem to be able to keep friends very well. No matter what I don't do I'm still doing something. I came home and I felt awful but I didn't cry a lot at least not enough that Mama could tell. When I went in our room Boob asked ‘What's the matter?' and I said nothing but she could tell I was fudging. She didn't say anything though and later I thought that if I hadn't been so upset maybe she'd have talked to me about what's been bothering her but it doesn't matter now. Boob's quiet again and she probably figures I'm just like Mama and Daddy when we'd ask them what was the matter and they'd say nothing.

Maybe Weez and Jude are too street and hard like they are but Iz doesn't really seem that way. I guess that's why she's still friendly but I can't tell anymore. If I still had friends at school that'd be one thing but it doesn't look like I do and I wish I did. I didn't do anything to them but I didn't do anything to Weez or Jude either and look at how
they acted. Now I don't even want to be around them because of the way Weez acts. I still feel Weezie's spit on my face and I know I always will. It scares me Anne because when I think about what she did I get so mad I can't even think. That's not good because one thing I've always prided myself on is that it used to be I can think when everybody else is going crazy. It's getting harder and harder though. I just feel even more alone than before. It's one o'clock and Daddy's still not home.

Night night Anne.

APRIL
26

Tonight I feel better Anne because Iz and I had a good long talk today. After breakfast I went out and met her and we went walking. Iz didn't go to church today since the Army pacified her grandmother's block and she went back home. She was wearing a shirt with Bob Marley on the front and I remembered to ask her about the shirt Weez wore yesterday what the names meant. ‘That's the boys killed on her block last year block association put em out to pay the guards' Iz told me. There must have been forty names on her shirt.

We wound up on Morningside Drive by Columbia sitting on the wall that looks out over Morningside Park and Harlem. Morningside Park is so dangerous that you can never go into it not even in daytime. Today was hotter than yesterday and there was finally smoke up here though it wasn't so bad we had trouble breathing. Over Long Island was nothing but smoke and further up in Harlem too. Every five minutes we could hear something explode somewhere. Helicopters kept flying over us going east. Flakes came down from the sky and made our combs black when we combed our hair.

‘How's Esther?' I asked when we sat down. We hadn't been talking about anything major just how the Army was and what we had for breakfast. ‘Middlin' Iz said. ‘We stuff
her when we see her cause her appetite lacks and she has to eat twice as much while she babying.' ‘Why didn't she get an abortion?' I asked and Iz laughed. ‘Can't afford coat hangers. No that's mean. She can't get aborted. Even if she believed in it she think she ready for mamming' Iz said. ‘But she's so young' I said. ‘That's Esther.' ‘Would you want to have a baby?' ‘I got schooling can't do that minding no baby.' ‘I'd never want a baby' I said. ‘Don't ever say never you never know' Iz said. ‘You just said you never wanted one' I said. ‘Did not said I don't want one now that's different' Iz said.

We looked at the biggest clouds of smoke looking for faces. I didn't see any but Iz kept seeing singers she knew that I didn't know. ‘What's Jude doing today?' I asked. ‘Working' Iz said. ‘She has a job?' ‘Not a job job but she pockets green' Iz said. ‘What's she do?' ‘Helping the challenged she call it' Iz said. ‘Have you been stealing a long time?' I asked. It bothered me once I thought about the way they pickpocketed that man yesterday. It happened so quick and then there was the fight with Weezie and I didn't stop to think about it until this morning. I was glad I didn't keep the money Jude gave me. ‘I just lookout' Iz said. ‘But they steal and then you get part of the money' I said. ‘You dead without money honey' Iz said and laughed again.

‘Have you seen Weezie since yesterday?' I asked. ‘I keep distance from Weez whenever possible. There's enough craziness.' ‘Why do you stay around her?' ‘It's Jude stays round her I could do without' Iz said. ‘Are they old friends?' ‘Since elementary school they pallin. Weez went greeneye when Jude took me up but Jude hashed her quick so no trouble accepting. Weez and me close but no closer' Iz said. ‘She never bullied you?' ‘Nothing fatal.' ‘I don't know how to get her to leave me alone' I said. ‘Earplay it see what happens. It's nothing you done' Iz said. ‘I ask too many questions but there's nothing wrong with that.' ‘That's so and that's not it. Weez ideas that somebody like you think natural you better than her' Iz said. ‘I don't' I
said. ‘Bet you do but don't know it. Everbody think they better'n somebody else otherwise they be more miserable than they is' Iz said and then corrected herself. ‘They are I mean. Hear now listen when I around you I feel what Weez looselipping about but I know you don't mean it, it just the way it is. It's just' Iz said. ‘But I don't act stuck up' I said. ‘It's nothing you say it's the way you look sometime like something upsetting you the way they are or do.' ‘Really?' ‘I mean Lola I snobby that way too I admit it but I grew here so the look's different.' ‘How should I look?'

Iz just laughed and combed Long Island out of her hair again. ‘Look the way you look what's wrong with that?' ‘If it upsets Weez it might upset other people though' I said. ‘But you can't help it and that's not all you can't help. Like I say, you white. Weez don't like that. You help being white?' ‘No' ‘Course not. My mama same way but not as bad. Weez's daddy black see' Iz said. ‘He rule their house like an iron man. Weez loves her daddy and he hate white people.' ‘Is her mother black?' ‘No her mother white. Her daddy's mother's white' Iz said. ‘Why doesn't he hate them then?' ‘They family that's different. You not a white white girl since you're Jewish.' ‘Sometimes people think I'm Italian' I said. ‘Sure but you could be three times darker with a suntan make Weez look albino and you still be too white for her. If she just stirred inside that'd be one thing but she got that hot Spanish blood so everthing come up' Iz said. ‘Not all Spanish people have hot blood' I said. ‘No but if they hot blooded to start with being Spanish don't freeze em' Iz said. ‘She and Jude get by tight cause they so opposite. Jude freeze constant cept when she want to heat up.'

‘Has Weezie always been like that?' I asked. Iz nodded. ‘Jude says so. Thing is Lola she be dissin you till she thinks you deserve respect. She always saying she so good reading people but she can't read you. Can't read me either but that's different' she said. ‘How do I get her to respect me though?' ‘Don't know. If she beats you that won't do it. If
she keeps on like this, that won't either. If she blade you' she started to say and stopped. ‘You think she will?' ‘No' Iz said. ‘You know for sure?' ‘Something'll settle don't fret.'

Helicopters flew over so low that the trees in the park shook like in a thunderstorm. A soldier shouted something at us but we couldn't hear what he said over the noise the copter made. ‘You allowed to sleep over with friends yet?' Iz asked. ‘Sure' I said. ‘This Friday then why don't you come to my house sleep over. We get up Saturday morning hang some meet Jude and we figure out what to do bout Weez.' ‘It'd really be all right?' ‘I tell mama nother friend staying over. It be troublefree, Jude all the time crashing with me though usually not weekends. Even if she need to that be fine.' ‘Okay' I said feeling very happy not only that Iz was going to try and help me with Weez but that she wanted me to spend the night at her house. ‘I really like you a lot Iz' I told her and held her hand without wondering until later if it worried her or not. She squeezed back with a really hard grip. ‘I like you too' she said and we hugged.

Our eyes started burning since the smoke was getting worse so we started walking back over to Amsterdam holding hands the whole way until we got to Columbia. We would have cut through the campus but last week they put up new gates with heavier razor wire and now the guards only let you in if you have student ID or you're a professor. The guards are carrying bigger guns now too and there's a lot more police around. So we walked up to 120th and then went over to Broadway. I feel so much better now than I did Anne.

I asked Mama if it was okay if I stayed over at Iz's this Friday and Mama said ‘Oh darling certainly that sounds like so much fun' and then she asked ‘Why don't your other friends ever call or come over sweetie what's the matter with them?' ‘I think they're scared of the neighborhood' I said not just fudging but lying but I didn't want to tell her what really happened. ‘They're such silly geese the neighborhood is perfectly safe if nothing else' Mama said. I
wondered why Katherine's father hadn't called Mama or Daddy to tell his lies. If he had they'd have given it to him no question but at the same time I was glad he hadn't because I didn't want to talk about it. They're worse than silly geese but I can ignore them now because I do have one true wonderful friend besides you Anne.

Tonight Daddy was home before nine. He was so late last night because another one of the drawers kept coming up short and he had to stay with the cashiers till they got it straightened out. He's sort of getting used to working now I think but he's not writing at all now. Boob was quiet again and looks so sad. I tried talking to her again but of course tonight she didn't want to talk, she just lay in bed holding her My L'il Fetus and sucking her thumb. I think something happened to her but I don't know what.

Anyway I can't wait till Friday Anne. Weekend's over and it's been rough but I think everything will work out. I hate it that it's school again tomorrow and that's sad because I used to love school so much. But maybe it won't be as bad now.

APRIL
29

Tonight I didn't have any homework so I'm able to give you a little time Anne. School's been about what you'd expect. Some of the girls I never talked to very often sat with me at lunch today and chatted but they didn't say much, they're so boring. I mean they're okay but still deadhead.

When Boob and me were riding up on the bus I saw Weez walking by herself down Broadway up the hill by Columbia. She had her hair pulled up under a bandana and was wearing sunglasses but I knew it was her. She didn't see me of course and I was so glad.

I still can't wait till Friday though I'm not looking forward to seeing Weez where I'll have to be around her.

* * *

MAY
2

Oh Anne the President was killed again. This time it was an accident though. His airplane collided with a helicopter in Queens as he was getting ready to land at Newark and they both crashed. On TV they say they don't know if it's a terrorist thing or not but they're checking. They'd tried to shoot down the helicopter but missed. Soldiers in Long Island haven't recovered the bodies yet but they think they will. The funeral's tomorrow so they don't have to close school this time which is too bad. The new President is probably the worst one yet Mama says since nobody knows anything at all about him.

Leaving that aside it's been sometime since I wrote you on Wednesday Anne. Here I go with my weekend catch up which is even more so than usual tonight. After I got home from school yesterday I packed an overnight bag and had a snack of bologna sandwiches. Friday at last! I was supposed to meet Iz at six at the corner and was ready by four thirty. Boob was taking a bath and Mama was in the kitchen proofreading a manuscript while the chicken they were having for dinner was in the oven baking. Daddy was off work yesterday and sitting in the front room looking through a picture book of Europe. Would you like to look at the places we've been with me? he asked when he saw me. ‘Sure' I said and sat down next to him. He was looking at a picture of Berlin. Do you remember Berlin? he asked. ‘Of course I do I don't forget everything like some people' I said and he smiled.

It was a color photo of the Kurfurstendamm at night with all the car lights trailing red and white. It was beautiful Anne I remember it well even though I was eight. The Brandenburg Gate was huge and lit up like the Reichstag and the old ruined church. Berlin was much prettier at night than in the daytime just like New York. We might have trouble there now considering Daddy said. He turned the pages and then we looked at pictures of Prague where we'd also been along with Budapest and
Vienna on that trip. We saw Kafka's house and the house where the golem lived and the old Jewish cemetery and there they were in photographs again. As much as I love New York I wish we lived in Europe Anne. They have troubles over there too but different at least.

‘Will we ever get to go to Europe again?' I asked Daddy. He didn't smile but fudged of course he said certainly we will cookie we'll go next year maybe this year if any projects come through. ‘Do you think any will?' I asked. At some point he said just maybe not as soon as we'd hope things were very bad and getting worse all over. ‘Like with us' I said. No no with everything else he said. ‘How's Mister Mossbacher?' I asked and he made a face.