Raquel's Abel (26 page)

“May I invite you to take a stroll with me down to the river?”

“What a lovely idea. I haven’t been down there in years.” The truth was I hadn’t been able to walk such a long distance since I was a child. “Let me get my coat.”

Soon we were ambling arm-in-arm past the old tennis courts I still hadn’t been able to restore. He didn’t have to say it. I knew he was thinking how much the orphans would enjoy batting the tennis balls around in there.

Abel wrapped his arm around me. “Are you cold, my dear?”

“Not now.” I enjoyed feeling his arm protecting me from the wind bending the branches overhead. Some of the more stubborn, brightly colored leaves still clung to the trees, while most were below our feet, damp and brown.

The lawn leading from the house finally ended with a row of tall hollies. We took the old path that led us to the railroad tracks. Abel helped me step along the pine crossties then over the rails. The path resumed on the other side.

“My sister and I used to come down here all the time.”

“Yes, I remember,” Abel responded.

I looked at him. His cheeks were beginning to chap in the chilly breeze. “Is there anything you don’t know about me?”

“Well, I didn’t follow you when you went to college.”

“That’s good. At least I do have a few secrets.” Although I had few tales to tell since weighing well over two hundred pounds meant I wasn’t invited out very often.

Soon the path led us to the old footbridge we used to cross when we were children. The railings were gone and the boards looked flimsy.

“Not to worry.” Abel wrapped both arms around me from behind.

I looked down at the slow-moving canal beneath me. At this time of year, the water would be very cold, but with Abel I never doubted I’d fall as he made sure to guide me to the surer of the boards. Then we heard the fast-moving waters of the James.

“Regina and I used to go out into the water here.” I pointed to a place where the water swished between two rocks, making bubbles run around the edges. “We liked the feeling of the cold water whipping by our ankles. Sometimes we’d sit on the rocks so we’d feel like we’d be pulled downstream. It was right here.”

“I know. I used to hold you so you wouldn’t be swept away.”

I stopped walking and looked at him. He was a man I had few secrets from. “How could you have liked me as a child? I must have been terribly spoiled the way my father doted on me.”

He tilted his head back and narrowed his eyes as if remembering. “That’s not true. You suffered from your mother’s absence and even from a tender age, you knew your father’s lack of affection for Regina was wrong.”

“I guess it was instinctive. She was my younger sister and it was my job to protect her, but I couldn’t make Daddy love her.” I felt that same old feeling of helplessness at not being able to fix what needed to be fixed.

“It wasn’t your job to, either.” He pulled me closer.

I gazed into his eyes. They were so kind and sincere.

“You’ve always had a presence—a decency about you.”

“I wish I could have seen you then.”

“How odd that would have been—the little girl that sees things.” He laughed.

“That would have been awkward, I suppose. Who knows how many psychiatrists they might have dragged me to?”

His eyes raked over me and his mouth turned into a contagious smile. His hands kneaded mine. “I am trying to tell you that I have always loved you.” He dropped to one knee on the damp ground. Before I could respond, he’d pulled a tiny blue box out of his pocket.

“Abel,” I started.

“This is for you, if you’ll accept it.” He flipped the top of the box back and I saw a small pinkish diamond surrounded by pearls. “It was my mother’s.”

I stared at it thinking how much it must mean to him. I did love him…

He pulled it out of the box. “Raquel, will you marry me? I know that I don’t have worldly riches, but no one can know a purer love than what I possess for you.”

I looked down at the ring then back into his eyes. I knew his love was true, but, but…

“There is nothing I want more than to marry you, my love.” His eyes pleaded with mine.

The warmth of his hand contrasted with the frigid wind that was whipping around us. A feeling rushed through me, instinctive and raw. Something that had lain dormant in me for so many years. I couldn’t even remember when I’d given up on it. I’d let the dream die because I’d been so big. I didn’t allow myself think about it, but now that my life had changed…

“Please say you will be my wife.” He still held my hand and was poised to slip it onto my finger.

“I’m sorry, Abel.” I pulled away and started to run, not turning around, not able to face him. I stumbled across the rickety bridge then headed for the railroad tracks. I wanted a child. Yes, I wanted to have a baby. I had been way too large to consider getting pregnant, but now I could. Poor Abel, he was a ghost and there was no way he could have children.

As I entered the house, I realized I shouldn’t have run away like that, but what could I have told him? It would hurt him so deeply to say I couldn’t marry him because he was a ghost. Of course, turning and running was probably worse.

That afternoon, I berated myself for the way I’d treated Abel. No matter what the reason, I shouldn’t have left him kneeling on the ground like that. And yet, I still didn’t know what I’d say to him the next time I saw him. That is, if he ever spoke to me again.

The front door opened and Regina walked in. She was well dressed, as usual, but she didn’t have the look of being on the prowl like she usually did when she was between men.

“How are you?” she asked and waited for an answer.

I was so unprepared for her interest in me, I could only grunt out, “Uh, fine.”

“Well.” She twirled around. “You are looking at a high school graduate.”

“What? So fast?” She had listened to what I had told her?

“Yes, I did as you said. I simply took the test.” Her eyes came alive as she grinned. “Passed it with flying colors, they said.”

“Oh, Regina, that’s wonderful!”

“And, there’s more.” She spread her arms out wide. “I enrolled in the community college.”

“You did?” I was so surprised I was almost speechless.

“Yes, I’m thinking about studying fashion design. That is, if I can.”

“Fashion design. That’s, that’s wonderful. Of course you can.” This seemed like it was beyond my wildest dreams for Regina.

She gave me a sweet uncomplicated smile, and I saw that her shoulders were relaxed as she stood before me. It was amazing what a little success could do for a person.

This was the time, I thought to myself. I had to tell her. It would be unfair to wait any longer. I touched her elbow. “Let’s go sit down.”

She was so high on her newfound euphoria she didn’t even notice the serious look on my face. She plopped down on the couch and made herself comfortable without acting like she had to impress me. “You know, I was thinking about opening a dress shop.”

“A dress shop? That really is a wonderful idea.” I’d never known Regina to have a goal or a dream except to snag a man. It was good news, though. Regina would make a great salesperson when it came to clothes and jewelry.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to come up with the money, but that is my goal. I want to call it
Regina’s
.” She used her hands to talk, and the gleam in her eyes was contagious.

I smiled, then bit my lips, knowing I had to break the positive mood and tell her.

She stopped babbling about her dreams. “You do look like you need to say something.” She fixated on me.

“I learned something recently. Please don’t ask me how I found out.”

Regina leaned forward. “Just tell me.”

I took a deep breath trying to find the right words. I couldn’t. I’d just have to say it. “Mother didn’t die of a ruptured appendix. She committed suicide.”

Regina stared down at the carpet.

“And, Daddy…” I began.

“You don’t have to tell me. He blamed me.”

“He shouldn’t have done that.” I wanted her to know that Daddy was wrong and she didn’t deserve the way he treated her.

“It wasn’t me,” she breathed.

“Wasn’t you?”

“I always thought the reason he didn’t care for me was that there was something wrong with me.”

Of course, I reasoned. Children always assumed the problem was inside them and not with the adult committing the wrong.

“All those years he hated me for something that had nothing to do with me.” Regina’s face distorted in thought.

“Please don’t feel…”

“How did Mama do it?”

“She slit her wrists in the bathtub.” I looked away imagining what a horrible sight it must have been.

“You know, Raquel...”

I looked at her, dreading she’d fall to pieces.

“I feel bad for Mama, even though I never knew her, but somehow I feel better down deep inside.”

I’d been putting off telling her thinking it would upset her, but she seemed to be dealing well with it.

“I feel like a weight’s been lifted off me. You know, I think I can be whatever I want. I don’t have to sit around wondering if what Daddy used to say about me was right.” She punched her fist at the air. “I really can be a fashion designer just like I want to be.”

“Yes. Absolutely. You can do it.”

“Daddy shouldn’t have treated me the way he did.” Her lower lip protruded.

“I know. I always felt guilty, but then I envied how you just went out in the world and met people and did things and went places.”

“I envied you because you had one place you were always welcome.”

My drop dropped open as I realized how horrible that must have felt. No wonder she got married so young. “Well, we can’t undo the past, but you are always welcome in my house, no matter where I am living.”

Regina jumped up from the couch and came over to embrace me. I hugged her the way my little sister should have been hugged when she was a little girl.