Read Bottom Up (26 page)

 

 

Subject: image attached

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:05 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Okay something is UP.

The other night, he was supposed to meet me at the Ear Inn and he shows up
hours
late and drunk. So apparently he's “stressed at work” but not so swamped that he couldn't have drinks with David
first
when he was supposed to be meeting me. And it's not like I don't know David—he could have brought him. I feel like that “New Yorker” cartoon: “How about never—is never good for you?”

 

Subject: Re: image attached

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:42 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

“Stressed.” How fucking stressful is it to add monkfish to a menu?

 

Subject: Re: image attached

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:45 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Trying to convince myself that he is legitimately busy and confused by the logistics of planning and it's not that he's stopped trying and just kind of wants to use me when I'm around . . . It's like I'm dating the President of these United States because only the President has the actual schedule that Elliot claims to have.

Though, I'm screwed either way. Because if I'm being demoted/used, that's not good. And if he's too stupid to tell time or read a calendar? Well . . . is that a person I need to be dating?

 

Subject: Re: image attached

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:53 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

I am with you, sister. I get it. I've been there. Door #1: Boy is a jerk. Door #2: Boy is not a jerk but emotionally retarded. Door #3: A pile of cats and vibrators and chocolate and one-night stands. And then it gets super confusing when more than one door is open at the same time.

But there is another possibility, you know, to Elliot's “totes cred, yo.” (I am not a fan of his constant abbreviations.)

And that is the possibility that he thinks everything IS cool. And he'll work it out on his own if you let him.

I know you're afraid you're going to lose him but you're not some random psycho girl who keeps calling him after two dates. You're his girlfriend. Man up and act like it. Just call him and be like “hey . . . I need to take our temperature real quick.”

x

 

Subject: Re: image attached

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:00 PM

To: Emily Roberts

No. Sorry and I love you but this is easy for you to say because you're not in this relationship.

 

Subject: Re: image attached

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:02 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Oh yes, I am.

I'm calling you (because I'm putting my money where my mouth is and you have done something that's upset me and I'd like to resolve it before I want to straight up murder your ass).

The agenda for this phone call will go as follows: a) fuck your “I love you buts . . .” b) all I do is listen to this shit while being single myself and while you rarely ask about MY love life and I hold your hand every step of the way because that's what friends do.

If you have any other agenda items to add, do let me know.

 

 

 

Subject: SORRY AGAIN

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:25 PM

To: Emily Roberts

I love you lots. I'm an asshole. As you were.

x

 

Subject: Re: SORRY AGAIN

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:31 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

You are not an asshole. You're just sensitive and a wee bit crazy right now.

Love you too.

x

 

 

 

 

    
Madeline

Jul 16, 12:34 PM

Elliot
   

Jul 16, 4:15 PM

    
Madeline

Jul 16, 7:15 PM

 

 

 

--------Forwarded Message-------

Subject: REMINDER: BOOK OF MORMON, EUGENE O'NEILL THEATRE

From: [email protected]

To: Elliot Rowe

Elliot Rowe,

This is a reminder that your “Book of Mormon” show at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre (230 W. 49th Street, NY, NY, 10019) is coming up!

 

Subject: Fuck Me.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 9:34 AM

To: David Meyer

Jesus. Totally forgot I bought us tickets to this.

You think I should just take her and then do it? Or break up with her before and offer her the tickets?

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: David Meyer

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:02 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

Great idea. “Sorry I put you through the emotional ringer for six months, go see some edgy musical comedy on me!”

Dude.

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:13 AM

To: David Meyer

I know, I know.

I definitely have to do this in person, right?

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: David Meyer

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:14 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

Are you seriously asking me that?

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:16 AM

To: David Meyer

I'm just saying, I'd probably be able to explain myself better over email . . .

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: David Meyer

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:20 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

Elliot.

Go to a quiet bar. Have exactly one drink. Be direct. Don't sleep together afterwards.

Pretty basic.

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:24 AM

To: David Meyer

Don't think you have to worry about the sleeping together part, but got it.

You know I just realized that I've never actually dumped anyone before.

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: David Meyer

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:27 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

That's not surprising. You're kind of a bitch.

 

Subject: Re: Fuck Me.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 11:06 AM

To: David Meyer

Thank you for saying “kind of.”

 

 

 

Subject: Book of Mormon

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 1:30 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Oh, crap. He got tickets ages ago and it's coming right up.

But now the vibe is so incredibly off between us (see also: Def Com 1: Total Communication Breakdown). As recently as a month ago, it didn't seem like things could go this awry this fast. It was definitely a safe ticket-purchasing.

And now? he hasn't even MENTIONED anything and he was the one who asked. What do I do?

 

Subject: Re: Book of Mormon

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 1:53 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

The insensitive thing to say here is “relieve your stress by giving the tickets to me” right? They are, like 400 bucks, right?

One of us is operating on a public school teacher's salary.

Maybe he's trying to get
you
to break up with him.

 

Subject: Re: Book of Mormon

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 2:01 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Ha! If he wants to break up with me, he'd better do it himself. I've already done all the heavy lifting in this relationship—I'm not going to dump myself, too.