The Official Ninja Code of Honor
N
injas are more than just a bunch of facts. They're real. And they have a special code they live by. A long time ago, there was the First Ninja, who knew how frigg'n sweet he was, and that everyone else in the world would try to be like him. But he also knew that some people would get it wrong and ruin EVERYTHING. So he wrote down a bunch of crap. This way, future people could understand REAL Ultimate Power and use it only for Total Sweetness. After he wrote The Ninja Code of Honor, he mysteriously nailed it to the door of a huge church, so everyone would see it. This is what it said:
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The Ninja Code of Honor
I, the First Ninja, had a dream that one day everyone could be Totally Sweet and flip out, but also I had a nightmare that one day some frigg'n idiot would screw everything up, so I here do declare that The Ninja Code of Honor be that which every ninja sets himself out of stone by and into and, hopefully, in four score and seven days, everybody will know what REAL Ultimate Power is. So let me tell you my story, so you can live like a REAL ninja.
In the beginning was Total Sweetness, and Total Sweetness was with the Ninja, and Total Sweetness was the Ninja. And when people saw this Ninja they freaked, because he was glowing and everything. And then some idiot came up to him and asked, “What's your problem?” And the Ninja said ...
“When in the course of humans, it becomes necessary for People to dissolve and/or melt into one another, which is disgusting, there comes one completely awesome guy, me, who will form a more perfect union of chopping off heads and looking Totally Sweet.”
“What are you talking about?” asked the idiot.
“Never kill anybody for a reason. This is the meat-and-potatoes of honor. Honor is the ability to kill anybody anytime without giving a crap. And that's a fact.
“Be buddies with someone forever if you say that you'll be friends, âcause it's pretty frigg'n lame when somebody pretends to be your friend and invites you over to play ninja fight, and you set up the fort for your best friend and it's your turn to be the ninja and you get pretty frigg'n pumped and throw his cat against the wall ('cause you're pumped) and his mom screams and picks you up and takes you outside and drops you in the front yard AND NOW he hasn't talked to you for three years, 'cause he says he's in the army, but you see him next door in his bedroom eating pizza or playing basketball with girls. So remember, a real ninja hangs out with his best friends and doesn't ignore friends just because they got too pumped.
“Be completely and utterly sweet. A lot of people forget this while flipping out and just act like idiots, like this one kid who lives down the street and thinks he's so bad because he saw some lady getting a pap smear and brags about it
all the time.
“And make the most of your life. If you live life passively, you are wasting a precious gift. Our time on Earth is finite and valuableâto carelessly waste it is a crime of the mind and soul. But death is a gift, too, and you should deal with honor and Total Sweetness by The Ninja Code of Honor.
“Now let this be a warning to you and your buddies. If you want to be a ninja, you must follow these rules or you will get your ass beat bad.”
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Thanks a lot,
The First Ninja
Fighting Styles
Did You Know?
One time I saw this crap so big, it had its own vein.
D
ifferent ninjas fight with different styles. No single style is the best, but some are obviously stupider than others. A lot of people say that ninjitsu isn't that great, but I'd like to see them say that while sitting next to a ninja. Just imagine yourself introducing one of those guys to a ninja. “Oh hello, this is my friend Mark. Mark, this is a ninja. My friend Mark here thinks that ninjas are pretty stupid. He thinks that you ninjas can't do anything.” Oh, man. Just imagine the ninja sitting there drinking coffee with one hand and gripping some ninja stars with the other. Your friend would be so frigg'n scared. Here are some other fighting styles:
Karate
Karate is retarded. It's basically aerobics with pajamas. If you want to be a real ninja you don't
have
to take it. Most people who join karate only do it because their parents make them. It's basically for people who need an attitude adjustmentâthat's all. Karate's basic moves are breaking wood; some kicks; up, up, down, down, left right, left right, B, A, select, start; and other stuffâI can't remember right now.
Yoga
A lot kids in my neighborhood say that yoga doesn't have anything to do with ninjas, but that's a bunch of bull crap! I mean, these are the same kids that think a lady's period is when the lining of the uterus is shed through the vagina. Like I'm really going to believe them about yoga! Yoga is the most effective fighting style ever. If you stretch hard enough, you probably don't have to fight anybody. One time, I did the spits without warning and some people started running. It's awesome. The main move is the splits.
Pressure Points
Sometimes if a ninja is relaxing and doesn't feel like getting all sweaty, they'll use pressure points on an enemy. Pressure points are one of the coolest ways to gently beat somebody's ass. You could just be sitting there, relaxing and watching TV, pretending you're not going to completely beat the crap of somebody and then WHAM! you softly touch their wrist and they go to sleep forever! It's like you've got so much power that you don't need to waste energy on someone you hate. One of the greatest pressure points ever is the touch of death. I mean, can you believe that ninjas can kill a person without cutting or strangling them? It almost doesn't make sense. Almost. With just a simple caress, a ninja could end a human life. And it doesn't happen right awayâso no one will ever figure out who did it. Here's what happens. A ninja touches the back of some dude's head. Then the back of the head sends a signal to the stomach. Then the stomach sends a signal to the liver. And then, finally, the liver tells the heart something. And the guy dies! So if somebody says to you, “Hello Sir (or Madam), would you like me to rub the back of your head?” You should probably say, “No,” or “No thank you,” because they might be a ninja, completely willing to kill you, but just too tired to get all crazy about it.
Menopause
Menopause is pretty powerful and gives someone a mustache. If you know anybody who uses this style, you should probably just stay upstairs. The main moves are slapping with rolled up magazines, screaming power, single- or double-handed spanking, and hot flashes.
Meditation
Some people ask me how ninjas can be harmonious with nature when they're constantly kicking people in the nuts. Well, they just canâso don't worry about it. They mediate and think about what they've done. During meditation, ninjas will spend hours away from TV and friends. This is when they learn about themselves, mainly reflecting on deep questions like, “Why can't you act normal and stop embarrassing your mother and me?” and, “Why can't you stop acting like a fucking retard?” And, after they're done, they're allowed to come back downstairs and watch TV
Judo
Judo is pretty lame. It's basically a self-defense style. So when they have tournaments, there's never a winner, because nobody ever makes the first move. The main moves are not doing anything and waiting. It's stupid.
A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call
Guy:
Hello.
Ninja:
Hey.
Guy:
What's going on?
Ninja:
Nothing, just hanging out. What about you?
Guy:
I'm just hanging out, too.
Ninja:
That's cool.
Guy:
I gotta go.
Ninja:
Really?
Guy:
Yeah, see ya later.
Ninja:
O.K., bye.
Some Frigg'n Badass Ninja Weapons
Did You Know?
If you still think ninjas are dumb, try picturing yourself covered with ninja stars.
Y
ou don't know crap unless you know about ninja weapons, which are pretty amazing, if you ask anybody. Even though these guys are infinitely sweet without them, somehow weapons make them sweeter, in a paradoxical kind of way.
Ninja Stars
Ninja stars, or Chinese stars, are one of their coolest weapons. These can really mess up someone's life. Ninjas love them because they are small enough to fit in a backpack or lunch bag. Oh hello, would you like to steal my lunch? How would you like to see out of a tube for the rest of your life! BOOM! That would be so frigg'n sweet. Just imagine some moron saying that crap to your face and having a boatload of ninja stars in your pocket. He'd wish his parents never even thought about making love. That guy would be sitting meat. Then I'd go over to his house and rip out his dog's hair and spit all over the place. And then I'd make love to his mother's butt, while everybody in the nation watched. Take my lunchâyeah, right! I'll bite your face off.
Ninja Sword
The ninja sword is shorter than the samurai sword, but that doesn't mean the samurai sword is better. There are big debates about which sword is the bestâconferences and stuffâbut people who believe that the ninja sword isn't the sweetest are stupid idiots. They put their ninja sword in a long pocket on their back so that their hands are free for climbing up dojos and stuff like that. The ninja sword is mainly used on necks, but it can also be used on arms, legs, and stomachs. The guy who invented it is probably pretty cool (and pretty rich, if you ask me).
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Guitar
The guitar is the ninja's trumpet. He uses it as a warning that danger is near and he's ready to rock. If a ninja's finger merely brushes up against a guitar, a humongous wail will happen. No other mammals can wail as hard. It has something to do with magic. I asked Dad if he would get me a guitar for Christmas, and he said he would buy me one if I ran away.
Boner
The boner is the ninja's hottest weapon. A ninja can pop thousands of them if they get super pumped. Some studies even show that a ninja can pop more than a million boners, if they need to. They can be used on babes
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or morons. Ninjas can slam or slap their opponent or girlfriend with it. The boner is also used to help balance when they are tree-waiting. I remember my first boner. I was looking through my neighbor's window and could see some lady changing her panties and everything. But check this out, behind her on the bed I could see this big orange cat licking its nutsack. And BOOM! My pants inflated like an air bag. Mom busted into the room, and was like, “What the heck are you doing?” And I was like, “Nothing.” And she was like, “Yeah, right.”