Real Ultimate Power (6 page)

Dear Santa,

 

I know I haven't been very good. In fact, some might even call me naughty, because of the killing and stabbing. But I think you might be the only one who understands me. I remember once when I was a young boy, I sat on your lap at the mall. (Do you remember me?) Well, you asked me what I wanted, and no one ever said that before. At the time, I couldn't think of anything. But now, I thought I could ask you for this one thing ... I want you to beat up some people for me: Rick and Charlotte Hamburger. I can't do it, because I'm busy you know, cutting off heads and stuff. But I know you can do it—I feel it all through my body. Besides, these people haven't celebrated your birth in OVER TEN YEARS. And when I ask them about your holiness, they say you think I'm annoying or obnoxious. But I know that's not true. You know me. I only ask for this one thing. Beat them. Beat them till you fall asleep. Make it your hobby, I don't care. But remember this—I know what you're capable of, and I know we both want this. Anyways, just let me know about your answer. You can circle either yes or no and send this back to me. But don't take tooooooooo long.

YES                                             NO

O.K.! See ya later!

 

Your servant/friend,

A REAL Ninja

Santa
Manager
Christmas Town, Antarctica

 

 

 

Dear Ninja,

 

I regret to inform you that I cannot fulfill your request to beat up Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger. The applicant pool for ass-beatings this year has been very large, and there were only a few openings available. Furthermore, I might add that Rick and Charlotte are beautiful people/parents. In fact, some even believe Charlotte is an angel—she bakes! And Rick, well he's a saint. He would never hurt anyone without just cause. So, I must conclude, I will not beat up Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger. I love them.

 

Second, I would like to take some time to tell YOU the real truth about ninjas. Ninjas don't flip out and kill people. They are courteous and don't get all wound up on sugary treats and yell or cause trouble or embarrass their parents. They respect bedtimes
and other people.
Their purpose is to serve parents, because of their loving nature. Essentially, they should go unnoticed until they can pay their own bills and
⁶¹
buy
⁶²
their
⁶³
own
⁶⁴
food.
⁶⁵

 

Santa
⁶⁶

This ninja grew up on a farm with horses and cows and chickens. Everyday he had to feed them, even though he didn't care about them at all. But early one morning, his parents awoke to find all the animals in a huge pile, burning. Quak didn't want to feed them anymore. That's when his parents knew that he was special.

Alright, when people talk about stealth, they're usually talking about this guy. He was so sneaky nobody ever knew he was there. So ... there's really not much to say about him.

A mother and daughter were sprinkling bread on the beach, and pigeons were flopping around all over the place. They loved each other and the pigeons knew it. But behind them, off in the distance, stood a young boy watching and screaming, because their relationship was so beautiful. When mommy and baby left, squeezing each other's hands so tight, the kid walked over to the stupid, stupid pigeons. They looked up at him and thought he had dessert but, nope, he picked up two of them and scurried over to a pipe that was spewing tar onto the beach. “I love you,” he said to each pigeon as he stuffed them into the pipe, which made the pipe gurgle and squirt. “You're going home,” he whispered. He then looked around and saw a bunch of people watching him, and he realized right then that he couldn't go back to the simple carefree life of school and bubbles. He would never be forgiven and would eventually suffer. And, with everything he did from then on, he left behind more and more of his former self, removing anything human from his character, until there was nothing left except one completely awesome ninja.

Tony lived in a suburb. He was captain of the basketball team
and
the soccer team—and his parents loved every minute of it. He was only a simple kid, but he had every type of toy a person could want. And when his mom took him shopping before Christmas, he would get EVERYTHING. She'd drag him around the store and push his head right into a shelf full of toys and make him nod his head toward his next present. He had all those badass toys and was sure to get more as long he did what he was supposed to. But one day, Tony came to school without his homework finished. And the teacher was like, “What happened?” And he was like, “My pencil broke,” and he started walking away. But then the teacher said, “Why didn't you use a pen?” Then Tony turned around and said, “I didn't want to.” And the teacher didn't say shit for the rest of the year. After that, he turned in all his homework late, then with spots on it, and eventually just the spots. Soon, making the bed became a complete joke and his parents started freaking out. They tried to get him to come back by giving him more toys, but Tony didn't speak that language anymore. When people saw him, they were scared. He was an animal. He no longer gave a crap.

One time, there were these abandoned fields that were full of ghosts. Nobody ever wanted to go through them, because they knew they would be killed. But one day, these two boys from another village decided to walk through, because of their stupidity. When the townspeople saw them go in, they were like, “Morons.” And they were. They kept walking and walking and walking and nothing happened, except when they came to this gigantic hill. There, they saw a dog sitting on top of the hill. But the dog wasn't a normal dog. (I think you know what it was.) They kept walking toward the dog, and it didn't move or say anything. And pretty soon they were standing right over it, but the dog still didn't move. But when the boys looked down, they didn't see paws. They saw human hands! And the kids started shaking, hard. The dog stood up on its two back hands and strangled the slowest boy. And then the dog yelled to the other boy to stop running because he had a message for the others and the boy ran back. Then the dog was like, “Tell the others that ...” and the dog started to strangle the other boy, too! When the boys' parents heard about it, they almost died of heart attacks. And their neighbors were depressed for over a week. It was the saddest day in the community, but not the saddest day for the dog. He didn't even care, because that damn dog was a ninja!