Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
8,000,000,000,000 B.C. | First Ninja ever. |
Day One | Ninjas start flying and the whole world craps its pants. |
6,500,000,000,000 B.C. | Ninjas discover flipping out and, thus, God gives them dominion over everything Totally Sweet. |
3,000 B.C. | Ninjas invent magic spells for invisibility, sticking to walls, and bio-slime. |
0 | Three wise ninjas bring baby Jesus ninja stars, a guitar, and a hot babe. |
200 A.D. | Some ninja discovers America by popping a boner so long that it actually touches a beach in Hawaii. Apparently, they kept some sand from the incident inside a tube in some Chinese country. This is where the term “tube steak” comes from. |
440 A.D. | Two ninjas kill an entire squadron of pirates and don't even think twice about it. |
600 A.D. | For some old queen's birthday, sixty thousand ninjas wail on their guitars and kill a country. |
1253 A.D. | Ninjas stop an illegal shipment of camel toe across the Sahara. |
1500 A.D. | Ninjas start appearing in Japan, hard. |
1945 A.D. | A ninja kills an entire class of eighth graders because some kid had to mouth off. |
1986 A.D. | A ninja breaks world records all over the planet when he porks five hundred hot babes at once. |
1997 A.D. | One time, my cousins came over. They were chasing each other around in the living room and ran out of the house without closing the door. Dad went nuts and started screaming “CLOSE THE . . .” and I thought, Cool, my relatives are going to see how crazy my dad is. But no. He turned his yelling into a song as he sang the word, “DOOOROOOOOROOOOOOORRRRR!” Everybody loved it. Even my aunts. If they weren't there, it would have been different. People would have suffered. |
1998 A.D. | A teacher or somebody elected me to go and represent the school in the Olympics. It was the one time people were really nice to me. Everybody cheered for me, which is probably why I won all the contests! I won the running and jumping and basketball and other stuff. It was probably the best day of my life, except I couldn't understand much of what the other contestants said and their eyes were so far apartâwhich was weird, but in a comfortable way. Then I had to go home, and Dad took away all my trophies, âcause he said they were an embarrassment. According to HIM, I'm not allowed back. It's like when I do something good, it's bad. And when I do something bad, that's bad, too! |
1999 A.D. | A ninja stops evil businessmen from demolishing a nursing home by popping a six-foot boner for charity. |
2000 A.D. | I was telling this ninja story to Mom while she was sleeping because that's the only time she'll listen, and I got pumped and slobbered on her blanket, and she sat up and walked upstairs AND GOT ME A DOG THE NEXT DAY! My dog's name is Francine. I love her. Since dog brains aren't that |
bigâmaybe the size of a potato chipâI'm not sure they can do uppercuts or spin-kicks, but I know they can French. | |
2001 A.D. | One time me and Dad were eating with my aunt and cousins. And when my cousin reached for the ketchup, he accidentally hit a tall glass of orange pop and it spilled all over my crotch. I was wearing white jeans. Everybody in the entire restaurant started laughing their asses off, but nobody laughed louder than my dad. He laughed so hard his face turned purple. I didn't say anything, though. I just sat there and, for the first time in my life, I couldn't finish my meal. But later, when I got home, John showed me how to hide a ninja star in a diaper. So it turned out to be a pretty sweet day. |
2002 A.D. | Ninjas help free China from Tibet and bunch of crabby monks. |
2003 A.D. | I got my first job. My neighbor pays me to chase him when he doesn't feel like jogging that hard. He says it helps him keep in shape, but I just like it when he starts to slow down and I get to scratch his face. |
2004 A.D. | This is when I went to camp for a month. It was only supposed to be a week, but Mom never came 34 to 35 pick 36 me 37 up. 38 |
Whiskers: | Meow |
Ninja: | Hello. |
Whiskers: | |
Ninja: | Hello. . . . Anyone there? |
Whiskers: | Meow. |
Ninja: | I thought you left. Are we still on for Thursday? |
Whiskers: | Meow. |
Ninja: | Are you sure? |
Whiskers: | |
Ninja: | Well, whatever. Just be there . |