Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

Table of Contents

Real Vampires Don’t Diet

“Fun and fast moving, with lots of action.”—
Romantic Times

“Yet another fun, humorous tale of Gloriana St. Clair.”

—
Fallen Angel Reviews

“An engaging urban fantasy filled with action and amusing chick-lit asides. Glory is terrific.”—
Midwest Book Review

“Provides the adventure and surprises fans have come to expect from this fun series, with more turmoil and temptation than ever.”—
Darque Reviews

“Another must-have. In her trademark witty voice, Gerry Bartlett adds another chapter to her highly entertaining series. What I love about these books is the lighter tone and humorous play on vampiric lore.
Real Vampires Don’t Diet
is honestly a tasty treat that’s sure to please even the most discerning palates.”
—Romance Reviews Today

Real Vampires Get Lucky

“Let’s just say, if you know what’s good for you, then you’ll check out
Real Vampires Get Lucky.
”
—Romance Reviews Today

“Another humorous chapter in Glory’s life that will not disappoint.”
—Romance Junkies

“Gerry Bartlett delivers another winner . . . Ms. Bartlett’s gift for humor, the bawdier the better, is evident throughout, and the different story lines are interwoven seamlessly to give the reader a thoroughly entertaining read. Fans, rejoice—this one’s a keeper!”
—Fresh Fiction

“Fun, fast moving and introduces some wonderful new characters, along with having plenty of familiar faces.”

“A laugh-out-loud series. Ms. Bartlett puts a different spin on the vampire romance. Fast paced with appealing characters you can fall in love with. It’s like visiting old friends.”

Real Vampires Live Large

“The return of ancient vampiress Glory surviving in a modern world is fun to follow as she struggles with her lover, a wannabe lover, vampire killers and Energy Vampires; all want a piece of her in differing ways. Fans of lighthearted paranormal romps will enjoy Gerry Bartlett’s fun tale star-ring a heroine who has never forgiven Blade for biting her when she was bloated.”
—Midwest Book Review

“Outstanding ... equal parts humor and spice, with mystery and adventure tossed into the mix. Glory’s world is a place I look forward to visiting again, the sooner the better.”

“Gerry Bartlett has created a laugh-out-loud book that I couldn’t put down.
Real Vampires Live Large
is a winner.”

“Glory gives girl power a whole new meaning, especially in the undead way. What a fun read!”
—All About Romance

Real Vampires Have Curves

“A sharp, sassy, sexy read. Gerry Bartlett creates a vampire to die for in this sizzling new series.”—Kimberly Raye,

USA Today
bestselling author of
Sucker for Love

“Hot and hilarious.”—Nina Bangs,

New York Times
bestselling author of
My Wicked Vampire

“Full-figured vampire Glory bursts from the page in this lively, fun and engaging spin on the vampire mythology.”

—Julie Kenner,
USA Today
bestselling author of
Turned

“Hilariously delightful . . . Ms. Bartlett has a winner.”

“Fans of paranormal chick lit will want to take a bite out of Gerry Bartlett’s amusing tale. Glory is terrific.”

“A sexy, smart and lively contemporary paranormal romance . . . The plot is engaging, the characters are stimulating (not to mention, so is the sex) and the writing is sharp. Glory St. Clair is . . . a breath of fresh air.”
—Romance Reader at Heart

“If you love Betsy from MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series or Sookie from Charlaine Harris’s [Sookie Stackhouse novels], you’re gonna love
Real Vampires Have Curves
.”

“Nina Bangs, Katie MacAlister, MaryJanice Davidson and Lynsay Sands, make room for the newest member of the vamp sisterhood, because Gerry Bartlett has arrived.”

—ParaNormalRomance.org

“A real winner. Bartlett brings a fresh spin to paranormal chick lit with this clever combination of suspense and humor and wonderful style. Hang on to your seats—this book is a wild ride!”
—Romantic Times

REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES
REAL VAMPIRES LIVE LARGE
REAL VAMPIRES GET LUCKY
REAL VAMPIRES DON’T DIET
REAL VAMPIRES HATE THEIR THIGHS

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
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Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

This is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Copyright © 2010 by Gerry Bartlett.

Excerpt from
Real Vampires Have More to Love
copyright © by Gerry Bartlett.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

BERKLEY
^®
is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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PRINTING HISTORY

Berkley trade paperback edition / February 2010

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bartlett, Gerry.

Real vampires hate their thighs / Gerry Bartlett.—Berkley Trade pbk. ed. p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-18483-7

1. Vampires—Fiction. 2. Saint Clair, Glory (Fictitious character)—Fiction. I. Title. PS3602.A83945R’.6—dc22 2009044141

This book is dedicated to Kathy Bartlett,
who unselfishly gives her time to make sure sick
and abandoned animals find loving homes.
She and other volunteers like her have saved more of
our furry friends than I can count.
She also keeps her wicked stepmother’s hair blond.
Thanks for being kind
and
brilliant, Kathy.

Thanks to my wonderful agent, Kimberly Whalen, who had faith in me and Glory’s story from the very beginning. You rock, Kim. And I really appreciate my editor, Kate Seaver, and her instincts. She always spots what needs “tweaking” to make the book flow in the right direction. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful team at Berkley, including copy editor Mary Pell, who has been absolutely on point with her comments and “catches.” Believe me, I know how lucky I am.

My fans are the best. On MySpace, I have a great group of friends whose words of encouragement mean everything to me. Thanks to Heather Weygandt, who started the wonderful
MySpace.com
/realvampswithcurves fan site. And to Danielle Garrett, who created the super realvampglorystclairfansite
weebly.com.
Now Dani and Heather work together to keep it Google-worthy. Thanks so much, ladies! This just blows me away.

Y
ou know, there’s something very unsexy about meeting your lover behind a Dumpster. But, hey, at least Gloriana St. Clair still had a lover to meet. There had been some nights recently when I’d been afraid I’d have to give celibacy another shot. You think a woman PMSing is bad? Try taking on a celibate vampire. But no worries. My guy was waiting just around the corner.

I adjusted my black “Cher in the eighties” wig, slung my purse over my shoulder and navigated the alley in my five-inch heels.

“Jeez, something reeks.”
Valdez, my bodyguard, sniffed.