Reason to Breathe (35 page)

It took me a second to believe he was
standing next to me, forget about talking – well, yelling at me.
His face was flushed, and his jaw was tight. He leered at me from
behind my locker door, holding it open with his hand. I glanced
around the empty halls to see if anyone heard him.

“How did you hear about that?” I asked. Not
only was I stunned to see Evan at my locker, but I was shocked that
Drew had said anything.

“Don’t worry I didn’t hear it from Drew, he
doesn’t talk. But his friends do.” He was fuming and seeing his
reaction only ignited my anger. What gave him the right to be upset
with me?

“I’m surprised you could hear with Haley
Spencer’s tongue in your ear,” I shot back. His face turned a
different shade of red as the surprise reflected in his eyes.
“Yeah, I heard about that too.”

“It’s not what you think,” he explained,
still angry, but the bite was absent from his tone. “We went out
once.”

“Oh, is that why I saw you together at the
bon fire?!” I yelled back. Now, I was the one infuriated as I
recalled the image of Haley nuzzled into Evan’s arm across from me
at the bon fire.

“You were there?” he asked, dropping his
attack.

“I left pretty much after I saw the two of
you. So don’t you dare try to make me feel anything remotely like
guilt for kissing Drew.” The heat spread across my face as I
abruptly closed my locker, holding my backpack and duffle bag in my
hands.

“But you hardly know him,” he rebutted.
“What, you’ve talked to him for a week and that makes it okay to
kiss him the first time you see him out?” His voice escalated
again.

“Oh, and you’re so much better?! Had you ever
talked to Haley before you did whatever you did with her at Jake’s
party that first weekend?”

His eyes widened as he leaned back from my
blow, confirming what Haley had told me earlier that day.

“Yeah, it was really great to hear it from
her too, Evan,” I snapped, trying to hide the hurt in my voice,
while recalling her snide remark about how interesting it was that
she and I were seeing the guys that we met at Jake’s party. I
thought I was going to fall over when the words came out of her
mouth before she walked away with a smug grin.

Evan struggled to find the words. “I didn’t
do…” His eyes pleaded. “It’s really not like that. Can I
explain?”

“No.” The edge dropped from my voice,
releasing the anger with it. I became emotionless, pushing away the
pain and sadness that threatened to seep up from where I hid them.
“I don’t want to know.”

I walked past him towards the stairs.

“I trusted you,” Evan bellowed, as the
distance grew between us. I stopped and turned back around. He
walked towards me until we were only a foot apart. “I trusted you,
and you couldn’t trust me.”

I stared back, watching the hurt reveal
itself in his eyes. My heart ached in return.

“I unpacked for the first time ever – for
you. I was honest with you about
everything
– even with the
truth about how I felt about you. I’ve never been that honest
before. I trusted you.” His voice drifted into a whisper as he
leaned closer to me. “Why couldn’t you trust me?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat with tears
welling in my eyes. My heart reached for him, begging me to touch
him, as I absorbed the pain in his stormy eyes. The seconds lasted
for what felt like minutes, and then I tensed my body and walked
away.

I went through the doors leading to the
stairs and hurried down them.

“I’m still in love with you,” he yelled from
the top step. I froze as the first tear rolled down my cheek.
“Please don’t walk away from me.”

The tears streamed silently down my face - I
couldn’t move. My heartbeat thumped forcefully in my chest, and for
a second, I almost turned around. Then the image of Evan and Haley
together in front of the bon fire, with his arm around her
shoulder, flashed through my head, and I found my feet moving in a
rush down the stairs.

I made it through practice that afternoon,
although I don’t remember much about it. Forcing myself to dribble,
pass and shoot kept me from replaying the confrontation with Evan.
By the end of practice, I was too exhausted to think about
anything.

As I was heading to the locker room, the
junior varsity guys started warming up on the court for their game.
Drew waited for me at the end of the bleachers, in front of the
entrance to the guys’ locker room.

“Can you stay for my game?” he asked.

“Sorry, I don’t think so,” I admitted with a
frown. “Good luck though.”

“Will I see you tomorrow night after your
game?”

“Yeah, I’d like that. I just have to check
with Sara to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned.”

“One of the guys from the team is having a
few people over and I’d like it if you and Sara came too.”

“I’ll see,” I promised, but I was pretty sure
I wouldn’t make it since I had to be home by ten.

Before I realized what he was doing, he
leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. My body stiffened, as
I remained stunned, unable to breathe for a brief moment. Drew
looked up and said, “Hey, Mathews.”

“Hi Drew,” Evan returned with a bite. I only
caught a glimpse of the bag over Evan’s arm as he walked past us
toward the locker room.

My heart crashed into my stomach. Did Evan
just see Drew kiss me?

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Drew smiled and
brushed his hand along my cheek.

I nodded and forced the faintest hint of a
smile. He walked through the doors to the locker room after
Evan.

I knew what Evan just witnessed between Drew
and me, especially after what had happened at my locker, was worse
than anything I’d seen between him and Haley. I suppressed the
twisting storm of guilt that threatened to consume me. I waited
until I was alone in my room that night before I unleashed it and
cried myself to sleep.

24.
Fallen

“Emily!”
Carol hollered from the kitchen. My hand hovered above my duffle
bag, grasping the sweater I was about to pack. Panic set in as I
tried to think of what I could’ve done. My chest felt tight when I
entered the kitchen.

“Yeah?” I responded cautiously, my voice
getting caught in my throat.

“Do you know who I just got off the phone
with?” she yelled, revealing the strained vein along her temple. I
glanced around, recognizing George and the kids were gone. Fear
gripped my heart, and my head felt tight. I shook my head.

“Of course you don’t, right? Because you
never
do anything wrong, do you?” I was past trying to
understand her illogical questions, and braced myself for her
wrath. “That was someone from Stanford –“

Oh no! My eyes shot up at the sound of the
school’s name.

“Oh, you
do
know what this is about?”
she accused, still boiling. “Do you know how stupid I felt when
this man was going on about your visit in the spring, and I have no
idea what he was talking about?! Why did he have our phone
number?!” I remained quiet. “You didn’t really think we were going
to let you fly to California, did you? How the hell did you
convince him to invite you – did you blow him?”

Shock splayed across my face.

“You think you are so much better than me,
don’t you? That you can do whatever you fucking want?!”

“No,” I whispered.

“That’s right - not in my house! You drove
your mother to drink, and now she’s a useless whore. I’m not going
to let
you
destroy my family too. You’re fucking worthless.
What school would possibly want
you
?”

Carol’s face was scarlet while her voice grew
louder. “How did you ever expect to pay for these schools? You’re
not that special that they’re going to let you in for free.” She
waited, as if expecting an answer. “Well…?”

“They have scholarships,” I said lowly. She
scoffed. “And I was thinking I could use my dad’s social security
money.”

“Huh. Did you think I was going to let you
live here and not get anything out of it?” She let out a spiteful
laugh. I glowered at her; the hate slowly crawled under my skin.
That money was because my father died too soon, and she was going
to strip me of the last connection I had to him?! I was so furious,
I couldn’t see straight. I turned to walk away with my jaw
clenched.

Then I heard the scraping of metal and her
amplified rage, “Don’t you turn your fucking back on me!”

A piercing flash of light screamed through my
head as something hard hit the base of my skull. I stumbled forward
and reached for the support of the wall, but I couldn’t find it in
time. My legs gave out, and I collapsed on the floor.

“You are ruining my life,” she grunted
through clenched teeth. “You will wish you never set foot in this
house.” I pressed my shaking hands against the floor to push up
while attempting to focus through the blur. I let out a breathless
grunt as my chest was forced back down against the hard wood, and
my arms collapsed beneath me when she swung again. The repeated
impact left me fighting for my breath, as the sharpness settled
between my shoulder blades. The room teetered and blurred around me
as I searched for the direction of my room, knowing I needed to get
there to escape her. Still gasping, I groped at the floor, urging
my body forward while sliding on my elbows and pushing onto my
knees.

Her vulgar grunts and grumblings were
incoherent. Then I heard her growl, “You will learn to respect me.
You owe me your life for everything I’ve given you. For everything
you’ve destroyed.”

The force of her swing ripped through my
lower back – I screamed out in agony. The searing bolt of pain
wrapped itself around my spine and spiked through my head. I
released a broken moan before sprawling on the floor. The room
dimmed in a blur of light as I fought for consciousness.

I didn’t know how long I’d been on the floor.
I became aware of the loud stomping above me as she muttered to
herself. I blinked my eyes open. The floor rippled in front of my
eyes. I closed them to fight against the dizziness so that I could
push myself up on my hands and knees. The tender muscles between my
shoulder blades twisted into a burning knot as I strained to get
up. I peered through my lashes and reached for the wall to steady
myself on my knees. I tried to focus through the haze, my head
bobbing heavily and my body swaying. With a grunt of effort, I
lifted myself up to stand, leaning against the wall. I remained
pressed against the wall breathing heavily as I waited for the room
to settle and listened for her movement. A severe sharpness shot up
my spine, leaving me breathless.

I took a deep breath to settle the nausea,
determined to get out of the house before she came downstairs. I
stood still for a moment with my eyes closed, steadying the spin of
the earth. Convinced I had control of my equilibrium - I crept into
my room and gingerly closed the door. The flight instinct kicked in
and the blood raced through my body, overriding the pain. My heart
pounded in my chest as I threw a few more items in my duffle bag. I
opened my door to listen. She was quiet; the only sound I heard was
my rapid pulse. I decided to take a chance and left my room. I
cautiously took each step that brought me closer to the door. My
ears hummed, anticipating the slightest sound.

I held my breath as I turned the handle of
the door and didn’t release it until the door was closed behind me.
I hugged the side of the house, so she couldn’t see me from her
window. Once I reached the end of the driveway, adrenaline shot
through me, and I ran. The pain in my back and head didn’t exist
while the road passed under my feet. I kept running until I was in
the coffee shop a few blocks from the house.

I could only imagine what I must have looked
like to the patrons and staff of the intimate café when I entered
with the duffle bag over my arm, covered with sweat, and gasping
for breath. I slid onto a chair at a small table in the corner and
pulled out my phone. I pressed Sara’s number and listened to it
ring, hoping she’d pick up.

“Emma? What’s wrong?”

“Come get me,” my voice cracked.

“Omigod, are you hurt?”

“Sara, please come get me as soon as you
can.” My voice quivered as I fought to hold back the tears.

“Where are you?” she inquired urgently.

“At the coffee place near my house.” I took a
calming breath to keep from losing the little composure I had
left.

“I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

I hung up the phone.

I spent the time it took Sara to arrive,
staring at my hands, willing them to stop trembling. My breath
shook with each pass through my quivering lips. I didn’t dare look
around the shop; instead I stared out the window, searching for
Sara’s car. When I saw her pull in, I rushed to meet her before she
had a chance to get out.

I winced as I settled onto the passenger
seat, the pain streaking up my entire back. I closed my eyes and
let out a shaky breath. The tears found their way down my cheeks as
I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

“Where are you hurt?” Sara asked, her voice
unsteady.

“My back,” I quivered, with my eyes still
closed.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No,” I shot back quickly. I attempted to
release the tension in my shoulders and opened my eyes. I wiped
away the tears and searched for my voice. “No hospital, okay? Just…
do you have anything to help, aspirin or something?”

Sara rummaged around in the compartments of
the center console, then handed me a white bottle of Advil. I
spilled some pills onto my hand and swallowed them dry. Her
forehead creased, mirroring the pain that was evident on my face.
“Do you want to go back to my house?”