Reason to Breathe (34 page)

After a minute of unreturned response, Evan
murmured in sinking disappointment, “You’re not who I thought you
were.”

“I knew that,” I whispered.

“So I don’t really know you, do I?”

I shrugged. He exhaled quickly and shook his
head, frustrated with my unwillingness to answer.

“Does Sara?” he asked. “Do you trust Sara
more than me?”

“Leave her out of this,” I shot back.

“I don’t get it,” he said to himself, looking
at the floor. Then he turned to me and asked, “Does he hurt
you?”

“George?” I questioned, shocked by the
accusation. “No, George wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Then, she just doesn’t like you, is that
it?” he pushed.

“Evan, I can’t and don’t want to talk about
what happens behind the closed doors of my house. And you’re right,
I’m not that strong, and I’m not the person you thought I was. But
I’ve been trying to tell you that all along. I’m sorry that you’re
disappointed now that you finally figured it out. But I’m never
going to be able to tell you what you want to know.”

His face turned red, but I wasn’t certain
what emotion fueled the heat.

“I’d really like to get to school now,” I
demanded.

Evan pulled out of the parking lot, and we
drove the rest of the way in silence.

The silence lasted for a long time.

Sara tried to talk to me about it, but it
took me a week before I could repeat the words said in the car that
day. She never brought it up again and tried not to mention him at
all.

We co-existed within the same halls of the
school and the walls of our classrooms. We didn’t speak to each
other, even in Anatomy class where we sat a few feet apart. In the
rest of our shared classes, we sat at opposite ends of the
room.

This didn’t mean I didn’t notice him. I
noticed him until I convinced myself that I couldn’t anymore. I
accepted the truth that I’d been avoiding all along – it could
never work. It never had a chance. My aching heart had a hard time
giving up hope, but I found a way to tuck that deep inside as well.
I faded into the walls like I had before Evan Mathews walked
through the doors of Weslyn High - except, I didn’t completely
disappear.

The week after Thanksgiving, when I was
caught up in being angry and disappointed with Evan – angry that he
forced his way in and disappointed that he didn’t like what he saw
when he got there – I was taken by surprise.

“I know what you probably think of me,” Drew
Carson said, joining Sara and me at our lunch table that Wednesday
afternoon.

I glanced from Sara to Drew, not
understanding what he was talking about or why he was sitting at
our table.

“At Jake’s party,” he explained, “I saw how
you looked at me before you left. I’m not like that.”

“Really, then why were you there?” I was too
annoyed with thoughts of Evan to hold back my candor. “Isn’t that
what all the guys were there for? You even admitted you’re friends
with Jake.”

It was obvious he wasn’t expecting my biting
words either, but he didn’t give up.

“You’re right, I knew what went on. But
whether you want to believe me or not, that was the first time I’ve
shown up at one of his parties.” I let out a skeptical laugh. Sara
remained still, like she was watching a movie, her wide eyes
shooting back and forth between Drew and me.

“I swear I only knew about them because Jake
kept asking me to go. But I didn’t give in until that night. But
only because I heard you were going to be there.”

He saw my eyes cringe in disgust, and quickly
added, “I just wanted to
talk
to you, honest. Like I told
you that night, I should’ve talked to you before then.” I didn’t
respond.

“I was hoping to convince you to give me a
second chance, that’s all. I don’t want you to think I’m
that
guy
.”

Before I could say anything, he got up from
the table. Sara was left staring at me with her eyebrows raised. I
read her thoughts, sighed in exasperation, and left the table as
well. It wasn’t worth discussing.

I missed the fall awards night because I was
officially grounded. Sara let me know that she, Jill and I were
next season’s captains of the girls’ soccer team. She also told me
I was chosen as the team’s MVP, along with making the All-State and
All-American teams. There was a dinner in January recognizing the
athletes. I knew I wouldn’t be attending that either.

Soon after, the letters from the colleges
started to arrive. I suspected there would have been phone calls as
well, but our number was privately listed, and only a hand full of
people in the world were privileged enough to have it. Carol
dropped the pile of packets on the floor of my room each day. There
were letters from coaches and athletic directors, hoping to set up
a time for me to see their campuses and meet with them in the
spring. I didn’t know most of the colleges were interested in me
until I received the letters.

This burst of mail gave me that something I
needed to keep me looking forward, instead of continuing to be
mired in the present. As long as I had the hope of escaping, I was
convinced I could recover from Carol’s glares and Evan’s avoidance.
I had to have something to hold on to as I hung from my ledge.

I didn’t receive as much grief as I expected
from my basketball coach or other teachers for taking the week off.
I was technically supposed to try out for the basketball team
before being placed on the roster, so Coach had me “try out” during
a couple of study periods during the week. He deemed that it
qualified me to start as point guard. I was expected to fill the
position, so it wasn’t a controversial decision.

Sara played volleyball during the winter, so
Jill drove me home on the nights Sara had practice after us. Jill
was happy to drive me, however, I got more out of our time together
than I was prepared for. She was a little too up to date on the
latest gossip, eager to contribute to its circulation. I really
didn’t want to hear it.

“Did you know that Evan went on a date with
Haley Spencer on Saturday?” Jill asked after my first official
practice with the team on Monday – perfect example of why I didn’t
want to hear it. “I really thought you and Evan were going to be
together. What happened?”

I shrugged, unable to speak. Haley Spencer,
really? A hot flash of anger and jealousy streaked through my body.
I forced it away as fast as it made its appearance.

When Sara picked me up the next morning, I
confronted her. “You knew about Evan and Haley, didn’t you?”

Sara pressed her lips together and exhaled,
contemplating what to say.

“I didn’t think it was worth getting you
upset over. Let me guess, Jill told you, right?”

“Sara, I was going to find out eventually,
and it would have been so much easier coming from you.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Then she glanced
at me, trying to read my face. “I bet he did this to get to
you.”

“He can do whatever he wants,” I huffed. “I
really don’t care.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sara said, mocking
me. “Em, even
I’m
upset that he went out with Haley Spencer.
Come on,
Haley Spencer
- could he have picked any one more
shallow and superficial? She’s the exact opposite of you.” As soon
as the words left her mouth, she bit her lower lip.

I snapped my head over to gape at her. Her
eyes softened as she offered a silent apology. She and I both
understood the truth in her statement, and that truth turned in my
stomach the entire ride to school. That was the day I finally
returned Drew Carson’s peace offering.

Drew had been persistently, but subtly,
trying to get me to talk to him again since that day in the
cafeteria. During lunch and at the end of the day, he made sure our
paths crossed. He’d glance at me and say, “Hi, Emma.” I would
ignore him and keep walking.

Until the day I finally responded, “Hi,
Drew.” The sound of my voice stopped him mid-step, causing the
person following him to the cafeteria to walk right into the back
of him. I let out a small laugh and kept walking. I didn’t see him
again until I was walking up the stairs from the locker room to go
to the gym. He was outside the gym’s entrance talking to another
guy when I caught his eye.

“Good luck in your game today.”

I hadn’t noticed him at first. I was too
consumed by my thoughts of the game to notice anything. Hearing his
voice snapped me back into the halls of the school with the
sneakers squeaking and the dribbling of basketballs coming from the
gym. That’s when I saw Drew standing by the entrance. The guy he
was talking to said he’d see him later and left us alone.

“Thanks,” I responded. “What are you guys
doing for practice today?”

“We’re practicing tonight, after your game,”
Drew explained. “I’m thinking about showing up early so I can
watch.”

I wasn’t sure what to think about his
interest in our game. Was he coming to show support for our team,
or was he coming to watch me?

“How do you think you’ll do? I heard you’ve
missed some practices.”

My face turned red at this acknowledgement.
“I was able to go over the plays with Coach Stanley, so I’m pretty
sure I’ll be fine.”

“I believe it,” he said with a smile. “I’ll
see you after your game.” I smiled back.

It was impossible to deny that Drew was
incredible looking, with his boyish face and deep dimples. It was
easy to get lost in his breathtaking tranquil green eyes. They
peeked out from under his black hair, which always looked like he
just came from the beach. Knowing how much he loved to surf, he
probably had. I stood in the doorway staring after him, even after
he was out of sight.

“Emma, you ready?” Jill asked when she walked
past me, snapping me out of my daze.

“Yeah, ready.”

Just as he promised, Drew was waiting for me
after I grabbed my things from the bench.

“Good game,” he congratulated me. “You have a
great outside shot.”

“Thanks.” I took a swig of my sports drink
before gathering my gear from the bench.

“I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

“I figured everyone deserves a second
chance.” I grinned, and he returned the expression.

“I should get to practice.” He nodded toward
the court, where some of his teammates were dribbling and taking
shots. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

With that second chance, Drew Carson would
change everything. The rest of that week, I found our paths crossed
more often. I invited him to sit with us during lunch, which I
thought was going to cause Sara to fall out of her seat. We found a
few minutes to talk before or after our practices. Then I
discovered he was actually assigned to my study period. As a senior
privilege, if any of the students had study as their first or last
class, they could opt to come in late or leave early. I never saw
Drew in study, because he hadn’t been there. But after we started
talking, he decided to show up.

Sara didn’t say anything about my sudden
interest in Drew. She was friendly and accepting of his presence
during the times that she and I usually had alone. I hoped she
found his company as refreshing as I did. Drew was charming –
helping me to recover my smile.

When I saw Drew at the end of each day, it
was a way to recuperate from being exposed to Evan’s evasive
presence all day. It was easy to carry on conversations with him
about anything and everything, but never anything too personal. He
didn’t push me to reveal more about myself than I was willing to
share, which was a comforting relief. When I was with him, I found
myself laughing - really, honestly, enjoyably laughing. He was a
breath of fresh air after the heart wrenching storm that had
engulfed me.

When I was with Drew, I wasn’t thinking about
Evan. I couldn’t keep the two images in my head at the same time,
so I pushed Evan’s out. I started not to notice where Evan was, and
I didn’t flinch at the sound of his voice as often. I wasn’t
allowing space for him anymore.

Instead, I found myself focusing on Drew, who
responded with full attention. I didn’t expect it to be the same,
and it wasn’t. My heart didn’t flutter or murmur whenever Drew sat
next to me. It stayed deep within my chest, thumping at its
consistent pace. I wasn’t disappointed – I was relieved.

I didn’t talk to Sara about Drew, and she
didn’t ask. But I wasn’t expecting her to reaction when I asked if
we could meet him at a bon fire on a private beach after the game
that Friday.

“Em, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she
insisted. “Maybe we should stay in and watch movies. It’s only been
a few weeks since the incident with Carol. You’re lucky she’s
letting you stay over again.”

I knew there was something more to her
hesitation than she was admitting.

“Sara, are you telling me
you
don’t
want to go to this bon fire? I’ve heard who’s supposed to be there,
and it’s a pretty decent list.”

“Yeah, me too,” she admitted reluctantly.
“Em, you promise you won’t do anything stupid, right?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked,
offended.

“I haven’t said anything because I think you
really
do
like him, but I’m worried about where you’re
headed with Drew.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I denied, but I
had a feeling I knew where this was going.

“Just don’t do anything you typically
wouldn’t if you weren’t trying to get over Evan.”

I didn’t say anything. She knew I understood
what she meant. Sara agreed to go to the bon fire after my
basketball game Friday night, and I convinced myself that I didn’t
do anything that weekend that I didn’t want to do. That was until I
heard the accusations of what I did out loud.

“You
kissed
Drew Carson?!” Evan
practically yelled as he stood next to me at my locker.