Reasons Mommy Drinks (28 page)

It took forty-five minutes to get you down. It takes forty-five seconds for Mommy to think something has gone wrong.

Daddy doesn’t understand Mommy Intuition, which he calls Craziness. She says she’s just going to listen outside your door, but really she’s going on a stealth mission back into your room. Thanks to the baby blackout blinds she can’t see if your chest is rising. Nor can she see the Melissa & Doug puzzle piece on the floor, which impales Mommy. She screams internally and, by some miracle, manages not to wake you. Since she’s as blind as Snooki’s stylist, she tries to listen for your breath. The plush lamb emitting whale sounds (face palm for another toy that will cause you to lag in science) is masking any snores of life. Instead of turning down the orca sheep, she decides it’s time to Freak Out and Panic. She frantically grabs you and starts screaming your name. This instantly reveals you’re very much alive. Having been woken up from a peaceful slumber by an insane person, you’re terrified and bawling your eyes out. Hooray! It’s going to be another hour to get you down again, and now she’ll never know what the hell
Duck Dynasty
is, but she will repeat this process until you go off to college. At which point she’ll continually use all technology available to embarrass you and ensure you’re safe.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce vodka

½ ounce triple sec

1 ounce pomegranate juice

Splash of lime juice

Zest of orange

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the vodka, triple sec, and pomegranate and lime juices and stir. Garnish with the orange zest.

NOTE

Pairs beautifully with a state-of-the-art baby monitor, complete with LCD night vision and false alarms that will cause you to have several mini–heart attacks.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

When Mommy loads up the stroller with enough crap to open a Babies “R” Us, it means it’s time to go to the park. Mommy brought wholesome, organic snacks, but the first thing you do is eat sand. Mmm, notes of raccoon pee. Also, she forgot to pack your hat, which, according to the Unspoken Rules of Parenting, is the equivalent of leaving you outside naked in a snowstorm. At the playground, parenting shortcomings never go unnoticed. Flanked by Stepford Wives who whisper their disapproval and a gaggle of nannies who openly discuss it in a foreign language, Mommy is living an Orwellian existence. At least this means there are lots of other kids for you to play with/catch illnesses from. Including Terror Toddler. Mommy suppresses her inner Jerry Springer and tries not to freak out when this bully-in-training shoves you, snatches your pail, and comes dangerously close to blinding you with a shovel. Who is this kid’s parent? Oh, it’s Weekend Dad, who is busy texting last night’s piece of strange on his hip-holstered Android. Mommy decides to give Terror Toddler a pass, since that kid is going to be filled with self-loathing (and pharmaceuticals) in about a dozen years. Meanwhile, Mommy gets her cardio burn on by chasing you backward up a slide, moving you out of the way of big kids on swings, and catching you from falling off the playground stairs. At least she no longer feels guilty about her lapsed gym membership. Speaking of exercise, now Weekend Dad is doing chin-ups on the monkey bars to impress the local MILFs. Maybe he should spend more time on his parenting skills and less time on his upper-body strength since Terror Toddler is currently aiming a Super Soaker at a sleeping newborn. Oh, the park, where nature and nurture come together to bitch-slap each other in the face.

INGREDIENTS

3 ounces lemon juice

2 teaspoons raw sugar

1 ounce light rum

Sprig of fresh basil

INSTRUCTIONS

Rim a glass with some of the lemon juice, then raw sugar—or with the sand that will permanently be tracked into your house—and fill the glass with ice. Pour in the rum, and the rest of the lemon juice and raw sugar, and stir. Garnish with the basil.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Like the cast of
Days of Our Lives
, for years Mommy managed to evade the hands of time. Until recently, looking in the bathroom mirror with the dimmer switch fully engaged was like staring at a spitting image of her high-school self (excluding the Sun-In spray damage and fashion crimes involving flannel). But in recent months, the pace at which she’s burning through under-eye concealer is giving her hot flashes. Thankfully, Daddy is also aging at the speed of a time-lapse photography sequence in
Planet Earth
. In the most recent round of family portraits, he was a dead ringer for Nick Nolte’s infamous mug shot. The next time Mommy impulsively buys a photo package on Groupon, she’ll make sure it includes retouching. The sad state of Mommy’s skin shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, given chronic sleep deprivation and drinking one’s weight in coffee once again evaded
Glamour’s
“Top 5 Anti-Aging Secrets” feature this year. And Mommy has spent about as much time tending to her eye area since your birth as she has to understanding the crisis in Syria. Of course you’re more than worth every postnatal wrinkle, line, and adult acne scar; Mommy just wishes that on the days when she felt as incompetent as anyone on
Teen Mom
, she at least looked the part.

INGREDIENTS

1 cup frozen blueberries

1 cup frozen raspberries

1 ounce pomegranate juice

1 peach, peeled, pitted, and cubed

1 apple, peeled, cored, and cubed

2 cups fresh spinach

2 cups water

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine all the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

NOTE

Loaded with antioxidants, this drink’s your best shot at one day being carded again and still being able to register excitement on your face when it happens.