Reasons Mommy Drinks (32 page)
Read Reasons Mommy Drinks Online
Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans
INGREDIENTS
A bottomless glass of fountain cola
NOTE
Free refills = a Mommy do.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Before you were born, mornings looked liked this:
7:15
AM
: Alarm goes off. Snooze for fifteen minutes.
7:30
AM
: Blend a smoothie. Enjoy while surfing Facebook in front of
The Today Show
.
7:45
AM
: Take an extralong hot shower. With Daddy.
8:00
AM
: Blow-dry and style hair.
8:15
AM
: Experiment with a daytime smoky eye look.
8:30
AM
: Begin morning subway commute. Listen to a downloaded TED talk.
9:00
AM
: Settle into desk and brace for a day of trying to be awesome at everything.
And this is how mornings look now:
6:00
AM
: You go off.
6:05
AM
: Your entire toy box is now on the floor.
7:05
AM
: Your entire breakfast is now on the floor.
8:05
AM
: Your entire wardrobe is now on the floor.
8:10
AM
: Get showered, dressed, made up, fed, and caffeinated in ten minutes because Daddy has to leave early for another “very important meeting.”
8:20
AM
: Mommy’s entire wardrobe is now on the floor.
8:25
AM
: You are having a temper tantrum on the floor.
8:30
AM
: Walk you to day care. You burst into hysterical tears upon entering the building.
8:40
AM
: Pry you from leg. Mascara ruined.
8:45
AM
: Begin morning subway commute. Write a grocery list, reapply mascara, feel guilty, cram for Big Important Meeting, remember six critical things that were not relayed to Daddy about this evening’s post–day care logistics.
9:15
AM
: Settle into desk and brace for a day of trying to be awesome at everything.
INGREDIENTS
A shot of espresso in a tall mug of regular-brewed coffee, with sugar to taste
NOTE
Pair with CoverGirl LashBlast waterproof mascara.
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Once upon a time, going to a wedding without a plus one was as excruciating as
The Hangover: Part III
. But tonight, with you in tow, Mommy finds herself staring longingly at the Singles Table. She recalls with fondness an era when the evening’s biggest challenge would entail rejecting the advances of the groom’s socially awkward cousin. Tonight it’s all about keeping you quiet and ensuring your adorable outfit doesn’t fall victim to poo leakage, as the only backup attire in the diaper bag is a Onesie imprinted with “I only cry when ugly people hold me” in Comic Sans. Between investing in a “cocktail chic” outfit you’ll never wear again and padding her gift envelope with an extra Benjamin, this is turning out to be a very costly affair. Mommy used to take secret comfort in the fact that she would more than pay out her wedding-gift expenditure in Champagne consumption by the night’s end. But tonight she’ll be lucky if she manages to scarf down two bites of her rubber tofu steak (she ordered salmon), let alone participate in open-bar-fueled shenanigans on the dance floor, which always used to end with Daddy wearing his Hugo Boss tie around his head and screaming “Play Thunderstruck!” Besides, if she and Daddy don’t get you back to the hotel room by 8
PM
, it will be a contest between you and the bride to see who melts down first. Truthfully, once the cake is cut, Mommy’s more than ready to hit the sack after an evening spent whisking you outside every ten minutes and trying to restrain you from throwing macaroons into the mother of the bride’s decorative hat. If only Mommy and Daddy were the ones Hawaii bound tomorrow morning.
INGREDIENTS
1½ ounces vanilla vodka
½ ounce coconut rum
1½ ounces pineapple juice
½ ounce cranberry juice
INSTRUCTIONS
Chill a martini glass. Combine all the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into the glass.
NOTE
Missed the wedding cake? Don’t despair. All the taste and zero mess. Just say yes!
HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK
Mommy firmly believes you are exhibiting early signs of genius and are destined to solve the world’s dependence on oil or win the
Jeopardy!
Tournament of Champions. The problem is other parents
also
feel that way about their own kids, even though clearly some of the graduating class from this reach-for-the-middle generation will be your future employees. Their behavior is a reflection of questionable child-rearing approaches, like the “let my kid do whatever while I check my stocks on my smartphone” method. Mommy passes judgment silently from the sidelines of the sandbox (or very vocally when she’s had wine with Daddy). Although socialization is key to your development, the following toddler types should be avoided whenever possible:
The Biter: No one wants baby rabies. Does BabyBjörn make a muzzle?
The Screamer: Exacerbates Mommy’s permanent postnatal headache.
The Crier: Even a light breeze results in tears.
The Suck: Always clinging. No adult conversation possible. Cut the umbilical cord!
The Bully: Pushes, grabs, yells, steals. Future drug dealer or investment banker.
The Show Kid: Needs to be center of attention at all times. Has a British accent?
The Germ Harborer: Just gross.
The Perfect Angel: Also to be avoided. Should you cry, scream, break things, or do anything else a normal toddler does, the Perfect Angel’s mother will lose her shit.
