Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (32 page)

“Dillon…are you okay, mate?”

“Do I
look
okay?” Dillon shouted. “You’ve just told me that my dad was an abusive son of a bitch, for fuck’s sake! What the hell am I supposed to do now, eh? How do I deal with this? Cause I’ll be damned if I know!”

Jason looked on as his brother hurled the contents of his stomach onto the alley floor. Suddenly, Dillon stood and ran towards Jason, grabbing at his shirt and almost knocking him off balance. “If I find out you’re lying! If I find out this is all bullshit I swear to God…” Dillon’s chest heaved.

Jason remained silent and waited for his brother to calm himself, keeping his stare locked firmly on Dillon’s and hoping that his eyes said enough to make him finally believe.

He tentatively placed his hand on his younger brother’s shoulder. “Come on…let’s walk down to the park at the end of the road, Dillon.”

The younger man nodded and followed. “Did Mum know?”

Jason shrugged. “Honestly, I really don’t know. I used to think maybe she did, but then surely she wouldn’t have let it continue. I know that she loved me. I just…again, I’ll maybe never know.”

The colour had drained from Dillon’s face. “She was heartbroken when you left, Jason. She just…fell apart. She talked about you constantly, and it caused arguments between her and Dad… She’d…she’d just cry… She used to sit on your bed and cry for hours. She sometimes cried herself to sleep on your bed. It tore me up, Jason. I felt like
I
lost her back then.”

A familiar lump lodged in Jason’s throat on hearing of his mother’s heartache. “God, Dillon, I’m so sorry for that. It broke my heart to leave. I can’t express how much it hurt. I mean, physical pain, but I
had
to go. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You know the cane and the plank of wood that he had in his shed that I tried to nick to build my kart? He shouted at me for trying to take them… Were …were they…”

Jason nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Dillon halted in his tracks. “Stop fucking apologising!” he shouted, clenching his fists.

Jason nodded again and they continued walking until they arrived at the small park and began to stroll slowly around the boating lake.

Without making eye contact, Dillon continued. “And how often did this all happen? Daily? Weekly? What?”

“Several times a week some of the time. It depended on how well I’d done in tests and things most of the time, you know...whatever excuse he could use, but other times it was because I’d apparently looked at him with the wrong attitude or I’d been off with Mum. He’d wait until he got me on my own and then he’d insult me…call me a waste of space…tell me what a shit excuse for a son I was. I began to believe him. He told me I’d ruin Stevie’s life too.” His voice cracked at the memory.

“He said she could do so much better…that she didn’t deserve to have me dragging such a nice girl down and making her life crap. I think that was part of the reason I stopped myself from asking her to come with me. I wanted to so much, Dillon. I loved her so, so much. She didn’t know about any of this until I saw her at the camp a month or so ago.”

Dillon huffed the air from his lungs through puffed cheeks. He grabbed Jason’s arm to stop him from walking. “Are you telling me the truth? Or is this your way of getting out of disappearing now he’s dead and can’t defend himself?” The question was sincere by the look in Dillon’s eyes.

“It’s all true, mate. I’m sorry to have to do this to you, little bro.” The sting of tears prickled behind his eyes again. “I lived through fear, Dillon. When I was old enough to get out, I joined the army.”

Dillon snorted. “You? The army? Are you having a laugh?”

Jason managed to smile. “Funny, Stevie had a similar reaction. And no, I’m not joking. I needed some way of venting and the training helped. I couldn’t see a counsellor as they’d have reported him, and he’d have been put away. I didn’t want to take
your dad
away, Dillon…you were safe. He was a
real
dad to you. I couldn’t take that away from you. You’re my little brother…I loved you…still do.” Jason’s lip trembled and his voice wavered as he swiped at the tear that had betrayed him and escaped down his stubbled cheek.

Dillon’s eyes were filled with so many emotions. Pain, anger, fear. He shook his head. “I…I can’t believe we had two completely different versions of the same dad, Jace.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t get it… I don’t know why he’d do such things. You were such a bright kid. I heard him bragging to his mates so often about you. I was always so jealous at how easy you found studying and at how proud he seemed to be of you. I used to get poor marks, and he’d ruffle my hair and say shit like
better luck next time, son
, but you…you’d fail and he’d get violent on you. My God, Jason, I’m so sorry.” And with that, Dillon flung his arms around Jason and hugged him hard, right there in the middle of a busy London park as his tears began to fall in earnest.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Stevie had been looking forward to relaxing during the school summer holidays. She had intended to use the time to get away and clear her head of the Jason fog that had descended during her visit to the Highlands. That was clearly not going to happen now, especially seeing as the Jason fog had descended in person to cloud her mind and take over her senses once again. She sat in the garden with a glass of fruit juice in her hand, untouched, as she wondered how things were going with Dillon. Would Jason call in afterwards? Would he feel like talking? She had no clue.

Rowdy began to growl at her feet. Glancing down at the grumbling animal, she realised he was poised, ready to pounce, his eyes peeled on the entrance to the house.

“What’s wrong with you, Rowdy? You daft mutt.” There was a loud knock on the door. She raised her eyebrows. “Bloody hell…a dog with foresight. I could make millions.” She ruffled the dog’s fur and immediately went to answer the door. Pulling it open with a smile that fell as soon as she saw the broken man before her.

“Hi…I’m sorry to bother you. Can I come in? Please?”

She stepped aside without speaking. She followed him inside and stood in front of him. “What do you want, Miles?”

“We need to talk, Stevie. I had to see you…to talk to you.” He stepped forward with his arms reaching out to her. “You haven’t been in touch since we went for dinner a couple of weeks ago and I've been so worried. Stevie, there are things I need to say, so please just let me speak.” He inhaled as if to gain strength. “I love you…but...I realise now that we're over and nothing I can do will make you love me back. I thought we could get through this if I said I didn't care about having kids, but the truth is... I want to be loved by someone.
Really
loved. And I accept now that you can't give me what I need. And I'll never be what Jason was to you...is to you. So... regardless of how I feel I need to move on. I've...I've met someone. I wanted to tell you when we went for dinner last time, but...you were so broken up it didn't feel right. I will always love you, Stevie. Always. But I know it's time to let you go. To let us go.” His lip trembled and he swallowed hard.

She scrunched her face. “I see...well...that's great. Great that you've met someone. I'm happy for you.” Sadness washed over her at the way she had treated him. “I'm so sorry things didn't work out between us. I really am. I always loved you, you know.”

His responding smile was tinged with sadness. “Yeah, like you love that dog of yours.”

“It's the eyes.” She smiled.

He chuckled and shook his head. “Are you okay? I mean really okay? I just want you to be happy.”

Her eyes began to sting and she closed them briefly. “I...I don't really know. But I'll get there.”

“If he hurts you again, Stevie, I swear—”

She held her hand up. “I'm a big girl, Miles. I can take care of myself.”

He pulled his lips between his teeth and nodded. “Well... see that you do.”

“So who is she?”

“Just someone I met at a... good grief this is embarrassing... I met her at a Salsa class.”

“You? Salsa?” Stevie couldn't help giggling.

“Hey, I've got rhythm I'll have you know. Anyway, her name is Charlotte...Charlie for short. I think things could really go somewhere with her.”

Stevie reached out and touched his cheek. “I'm so happy for you.”

He stepped closer and stroked her cheek. “Thank you. I hope that you and I can still be friends. We were in each other's lives for so long...” Something sparkled in his eyes and Stevie realised that they were filled with life once again. Guilt seeped through her veins at the heartache she had inflicted that had caused his eyes to lose that sparkle she had loved.

“Of course we can be friends. I'd miss you if you weren't around.”

Miles smiled as he gazed into her eyes. Where his eyes used to be filled with adoration they were now filled with acceptance. “Are you still hoping you'll end up with him? Jason I mean? After all he's done to you?”

She closed her eyes briefly as the memories of the night before came flooding back. “I...I honestly don't know. Things are difficult. With Mum and...”

“He doesn't know about Dana's illness?”

She shook her head. “I'm not going to guilt him into moving here. But he is here...in London.”

Miles smile disappeared. “Oh. And you've seen him?”

She nodded again.

He shook his head and clenched his jaw. “He'll hurt you again, Stevie. You do know that, don't you? He has no heart. I just don't get why you love him so much but couldn't love me after I treated you right.”

She sighed and her shoulders slumped. “Miles...please...we've been through this. There are things you don't know. Things that happened—”

He took her by the upper arms and stepped closer. “You've slept with him haven't you? You've let him manipulate you again, haven't you?” He rested his forehead on hers. “Why, Stevie? Why do you continue to let him hurt you? I would never have hurt you like this.”

“Look, it's none of your business, Miles. We're divorced and we're both moving on, remember? You said we could be friends and that you’d met someone, so let's just leave it at that, okay? And anyway, he’s not staying…we’re not together…but…look I think you should go. He may be calling around, and I think it’s best if you’re not here.”

“So he knows about
me
? About
us
? Does he love you like I did? Can you honestly say that he's good for you, Stevie? Look deep inside yourself. Can you be sure he won't leave without a trace again? I can't stand by and watch you let this happen. It tears me up that he damaged your heart so much that you can't give it to someone who deserves it.” He pulled her into his chest and wrapped his arms around her. “All I wanted to do was protect you. All he wants is to use you.” He pulled away and moved his hands to her cheeks, pleading with his eyes. “Even if we're not together, Stevie, you mean so much to me. Please, please don't let him hurt you anymore.” He crushed his lips into hers and held her there for a few seconds. She didn't reciprocate the kiss and he didn't attempt to make it more. His mouth stayed closed along with his eyes and he inhaled through his nose.

“She covered his hands with hers and removed them from her face. “I think you should go now,” she whispered.

He nodded and hugged her once more.

****

Jason stood frozen to the spot as he observed the scene through the window. He watched as the copper haired man stroked her cheek, kissed her, and held her to him. His heart was being ripped out all over again.
So this is why she wouldn’t stay in Scotland with me.
This
guy
.
Who the hell is he anyway? And why did Stevie make love to me if she’s in a relationship? Is this who she is now? A cheater? A liar?
He watched even though he knew it was doing him no good. Suddenly, she looked over and noticed him standing there. He shook his head, turned, and began to walk away.

“Jason! Jason wait!” She shouted from inside. “Please wait!” Her door opened and hit the inside wall with a resounding thud.

He stopped and turned to face her. “Why? So you can rub my face in it a bit more? I get it, okay? I get that we’re nothing. You’ve made that very clear.”

“How the hell have I made that clear?”

“Oh, give me a sodding break! I saw you kissing him, holding him. I’m not blind, Stevie. I saw how you looked at each other.”

“Not that it’s any of your damn business, but what you actually saw was
him
kissing me goodbye…
him
holding me out of concern…
him
looking at me with sadness. If you’d have given me a minute to explain you would’ve understood!”

Miles appeared beside them. “Is this him? Good, now you can tell him the truth about us. Tell him…go on…tell him everything.”

Pulling her fisted hands up to her head she screamed, “Argh! Miles, just go! We’ve said all there is to say! Just go home!”