Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch (11 page)

Like him, Claire wouldn't fall in love, she wouldn't get married, she wouldn't have children. She would dedicate her life to following her vocation. Even though Jude knew that she was doing exactly what she wanted, he couldn't help feeling wretched at the thought of everything she was giving up. Someone as sweet and as gentle, as kind and as beautiful as Claire deserved so much more.

CHAPTER TEN

C
LAIRE
DECIDED
TO
stay the night at the hospital so she would be on hand if there was a deterioration in Bebe's condition. Although she knew the night staff would take good care of the little girl, she wanted to be there in case anything happened. Jude's parting comment had stung and she had no intention of giving him another opportunity to take her to task. Bill Arnold was duty doctor that night and he helped her move a chair into the side room.

‘Are you sure about this?' he asked, his kindly face mirroring concern as they placed the chair beside the bed. ‘I mean, you were working all day and it seems a bit much to expect you to work through the night as well.'

‘I don't mind.' Claire summoned a smile, not wanting the older man to guess why she felt it necessary to stay. Admitting that it had been Jude's wholly unjustified rebuke that had made her decide not to leave would be tantamount to admitting that she cared what he thought. And that was the last thing she intended to do.

‘Well, make sure you get some sleep. You'll be neither use nor ornament tomorrow if you're tired out.'

Bill patted her hand and left. Claire busied herself with Bebe's obs, noting them down on the chart with even more care than usual. No way was Jude going to find anything to complain about!

She sighed as she hung the chart on the end of the bed. She knew she was overreacting but she couldn't help it. It was as though every fibre of her being was attuned to his mood. If he was happy, she felt happy, and if he was annoyed, she felt unsettled too. Bearing in mind that they had met only days ago, it was hard to believe that he could have this effect on her, but there was no point pretending. Jude made her feel things she had never expected to feel. The key now was to learn how to moderate her response before it caused a problem—if it hadn't already done so.

Heat rushed through her as she recalled what had happened the day before. She had never expected to feel desire again after what had happened to her, but that was what she had felt, an all-encompassing need to touch Jude and have him touch her. Even now she could feel the echo of it resonating deep inside her and it scared her. How could she risk giving herself to a man again? How could she be sure that he wouldn't hurt her? The old fear might have faded but it hadn't gone away; it was still there, a dark shadow at the back of her mind.

She took a deep breath but the facts had to be faced. She couldn't be sure that it wouldn't rear up and destroy her life all over again.

* * *

Jude was first in the dining room for breakfast the following morning. Another restless night had left him feeling drained. He had kept harking back to how Claire had sounded when he had left her the previous day. He knew he had upset her and he felt guilty about it too. Just because he was worried about getting involved, it wasn't an excuse to speak to her the way he had done and as soon as he saw her, he would apologise. Even if he did intend to steer clear of her in the future, it was the very least he could do.

His heart was heavy as he went to the buffet. When Moses offered him some of his specially brewed coffee, he accepted that too. Not quite the traditional hair shirt worn by the penitent but it would have much the same effect! He had just sat down when Bill Arnold appeared.

‘Another early bird,' the older man observed as he loaded a plate with fruit. He added a hunk of bread and carried the whole lot over to the table and sat down. ‘I don't know how you young 'uns do it. Matt turned up way before he was supposed to do, which is why I finished early. And Claire couldn't have had more than an hour's sleep last night, but there she was this morning, rushing around all over the place.'

‘Claire's already at the hospital!' Jude exclaimed in surprise.

‘She stayed the night there.' Bill broke off a chunk of bread and smothered it in some of the locally produced jam. Jude waited impatiently while he chewed it. ‘I assumed you knew she was staying over.'

‘No. I had no idea,' Jude replied, frowning. ‘Did she say why she had decided to stay?'

‘No. But she was with Bebe all night, so I assume she wanted to keep an eye on her. Typical of Claire. She always puts everyone else before herself.'

Bill carried on eating, obviously keen to get finished so that he could take himself off to bed. No wonder, Jude thought as the older man departed a few minutes later. Working twelve-hour shifts was exhausting enough and doubly so under these conditions. It made Claire's decision to work a double shift all the more difficult to understand—unless it was his comments that had spurred her into it.

The thought that he was responsible hit him hard. Jude stood up and carried his tray over to the rack even though he had barely touched his breakfast. Leaving the dining room, he hurried outside and made his way round to the rear of the building. One of the drivers had recovered the motorbike Claire had used to collect him from the airport and it was stored in the shed back there.

Jude wheeled it out, relieved to find that the key was in the ignition. He fired up the engine, grimacing as ancient pistons struggled to find some kind of rhythm. It was years since he had ridden a motorbike and it had been a modern version too, nothing like this heap of old junk, but he had no intention of letting that deter him. He needed to apologise to Claire and he needed to do it soon.

* * *

Claire had just finished sponging Bebe's face when the door opened. She glanced round, expecting it to be one of the local nurses coming to see if she needed help. The polite refusal was already hovering on her lips when she discovered that it was Jude.

‘What are you doing here?' she demanded, unable to hide her dismay. ‘The day staff isn't due for another half hour at least.'

‘I wanted a word with you, so I came on ahead.'

He came into the room and closed the door. Claire shivered when she saw how grim he looked. Surely he didn't still believe that she was incapable of looking after Bebe properly, did he? The thought was like the proverbial red rag and Claire rounded on him, her grey eyes spitting sparks. Maybe she wouldn't have reacted so forcefully if she hadn't been so tired after working a double shift, but any thoughts of moderating her response flew straight out of the window as she let rip.

‘Oh, did you? And what exactly did you want a word with me about? Or do I really need to ask that question?' She laughed bitterly. ‘You made your feelings about my competence perfectly clear, Dr Slater, so I can only assume that you wish to take me to task once more. So come along, then. How have I failed to meet your exacting standards this time?'

‘I haven't come here to take you to task,' he replied harshly. ‘If you want the truth then I came to apologise, but obviously it would be a waste of my time as well as yours.'

He went to leave but there was no way that Claire was prepared to let him off so lightly. His scathing comment had hurt and she wasn't going to let him brush it aside with some trumped-up claim about apologising. From what she had learned, Jude Slater didn't go in for apologies. For any reason. To anyone!

She caught hold of his arm as he went to open the door. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and his flesh felt warm to her touch, warm and wonderfully vital. Claire had the craziest feeling that she could actually feel his life force pulsating beneath her fingers and it shook her. She had never felt this connection to anyone before, never experienced this feeling that she was within a hair's breadth of touching the very essence of another human being. It was a moment of such profundity that it cut right through her anger. Now all she felt was a deep sense of hurt. How could Jude believe that she wasn't up to doing her job? Even if he knew nothing else about her, surely he could tell how much her work meant to her, that it was the one thing that had given her life any meaning?

Tears blurred her vision and she let her hand fall from his arm. She'd had years of practice at containing her emotions yet she couldn't seem to contain them any longer. It was as though all the pain and heartache that had built up inside her was gushing out in an unstoppable tide.

‘Here. Sit down.'

Jude's touch was infinitely gentle as he led her to the chair, his voice filled with compassion, and it just made everything worse. Anger would have been better, she thought wretchedly as she sank down onto the cushion. She could have coped with his anger; it would have firmed her resolve and helped her pull herself together. However, gentleness and compassion were very different emotions. They slid past her defences and found all the vulnerable places that she kept hidden.

‘Don't cry, Claire. Please!' He knelt in front of her and she couldn't fail to see the anguish on his face. ‘I can't bear to know you're so unhappy and that it's all my fault. I never meant to upset you. Truly I didn't. I don't have any doubts whatsoever about your competence.'

‘Then why did you say what you did?' she said brokenly.

‘Because I was upset.'

‘Upset!' she exclaimed in surprise. She took a shuddery breath as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Upset because of something I'd done, you mean?'

‘No.' He hesitated, giving her the distinct impression that he was reluctant to explain. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough with emotion. ‘I had a patient once, a young girl several years older than Bebe, who died after I had to delay operating on her. I...well, I couldn't help thinking about her and that's why I spoke to you so sharply. But you must believe me when I say that I have every confidence in you. You are a superb nurse.'

There was no doubt in her mind that he was telling her the truth and Claire felt her eyes fill with tears once more. The fact that he cared enough to talk about something that obviously distressed him touched her deeply. It was so long since anyone had considered her feelings that she was overwhelmed. Tears began to stream down her face again and she heard him sigh.

‘I'm so sorry, Claire. You're the last person I wanted to hurt. Please forgive me.' Leaning forward, he gathered her into his arms. His body felt warm and hard as she rested against him, indubitably male too, but oddly that didn't worry her as she might have expected. Jude wouldn't hurt her. She could trust him.

Whether it was that thought which destroyed the final line of her defence, she wasn't sure, but she nestled against him, letting his strength fill her with an inner peace she hadn't felt in a very long time. Ever since the night she had been raped she had been running: away from Andrew; away from what had happened; away from herself. Far too often she had found herself wondering if she could have done something to prevent the attack, but not any longer. Now she could see that
she
wasn't to blame, that
she
had done nothing wrong, that
she
was the victim. And knowing it set her free.

* * *

Jude could sense a shift in the mood even though he didn't understand what had caused it. Claire didn't say anything but he felt the tension start to ease from her body. His breath caught when she settled against him so trustingly. He had wanted only to comfort her, yet all of a sudden he was filled with a sense of wonder. Holding her in his arms, feeling her heart beating in time with his, felt so right!

‘Claire.' Her name was the faintest murmur, barely disturbing the air between them as he bent towards her. His mind was awash with so many emotions that he couldn't have put a name to even half of them. All he knew was that everything he felt seemed to be condensed into this single moment...

‘I think Claire's in here. I'll go and see.' The sound of voices in the corridor broke the spell. Jude shot to his feet just a second before the door opened and Matt appeared.

‘There's a phone call for you, Claire,' he announced cheerfully. ‘Oh, hi, Jude. I didn't know you were in here. Anyway, it's Sister Julie. She wants to know how Bebe's doing.'

‘I... I'll be right there.'

Claire stood up as Matt disappeared and Jude could see that she was trembling. She didn't look at him as she went to the door but there was no way that he could let her leave like this, he realised sickly. He had come so close to compromising her beliefs and making a mockery of everything she stood for. Apologising couldn't begin to make up for what he had done, but it was the only option open to him.

‘I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just wanted to...well, comfort you.'

‘I know.' She gave him a tight little smile and left.

Jude followed her from the room and made his way outside. He stood on the steps, feeling his insides quivering as reaction set in. He felt guilty as hell about what he had done, but underneath it there was a deep sense of sadness, of loss. He would never make love to Claire, never experience the joy and fulfilment of their bodies becoming one. Sex had been little more than a mechanical process for him up till now, enjoyable enough but not exactly meaningful. However, he realised that it would have been far more than that with Claire. His mind as well as his body would have been engaged if he'd had the chance to love her, as he would never do. Tears suddenly blurred his vision. The future had never seemed bleaker.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

C
LAIRE
CAST
A
final glance in the mirror. It was Bill's sixty-fifth birthday and the team had decided to throw a party for him that night to celebrate. Moses had been enlisted to bake him a birthday cake and there was much speculation about how it would turn out. Birthday cakes weren't something the Mwurandan people went in for but Matt had found a recipe online and printed it out. Amazingly, Matt had also managed to source the ingredients and everyone was looking forward to a taste of home, everyone apart from her. Although she had tried to make her excuses, the others had insisted that she must be there and in the end she had given in. After all, she didn't have to talk to Jude if she didn't want to.

Her heart gave a little lurch as it had kept on doing whenever Jude's name had cropped up. They hadn't spoken again after they had left Bebe's room, not even to discuss their small patient's progress. Jude had made the decision to operate on the child and had drafted in Kelly to assist him, with Matt acting as his anaesthetist. When Claire had heard that, she had decided not to stay at the hospital. She'd been far too tired to be of much use anyway, so she had returned to the college with the rest of the night staff. However, from what she had heard, the operation had been textbook perfect and Bebe was expected to make a full recovery. Jude hadn't needed her help, which must have been a relief for him. He must be as eager as she was to keep his distance after what had happened that morning.

Her heart gave another jolt as she recalled how close he had come to kissing her. The worst thing was that she knew she wouldn't have stopped him if he had. She would have let him kiss her—even kissed him back!—and she couldn't help feeling guilty. Should she tell him the truth and admit that she wasn't a nun? she wondered for the hundredth time. It might make him feel better but if she did that then she would have to explain why she had misled him. Was she really prepared to do that? To lay herself open to even more heartache? The old fears raced round and round inside her head, making it impossible to decide. Maybe it would be better to ignore what had happened and hope that Jude would do the same.

Claire's heart was heavy as she made her way downstairs. Lesley had lent her the dress she had worn a few nights earlier as all the women had decided to dress up in Bill's honour. Bill himself looked positively resplendent in a crisp white shirt and a tie, a world away from his usual slightly scruffy self.

‘I must say that you're looking very smart tonight, Dr Arnold,' Claire declared, kissing him on the cheek. She summoned a smile, not wanting anyone to suspect how downhearted she felt. ‘Having a birthday definitely suits you.'

‘Hmm, I don't know about that,' Bill grumbled, tugging at his tie. ‘I feel more like the Christmas turkey—all trussed up and ready for roasting!'

Claire laughed. She moved aside when someone came to join them, her laughter fading when she discovered it was Jude. He, too, had dressed up for the occasion and her breath caught as she took stock of the pale blue shirt he was wearing, a colour which provided the perfect foil for his midnight-dark hair. It took her all her time to drag her eyes away but she had to stop staring at him. It wouldn't be fair to let him see how much he affected her after what had happened that morning. It was a relief when Lesley clapped her hands and called for order.

‘OK, guys. I think it's time we drank a toast to our guest of honour.' Lesley raised her glass aloft. ‘To Bill. Happy birthday. Here's to the last sixty-five years and to many more to come!'

Everyone raised their glasses, apart from Claire, who hadn't picked one up. She jumped when a glass suddenly appeared in front of her.

‘Here. Have mine.'

Jude pressed his glass into her hand and she automatically took a sip of the liquid, sneezing when the bubbles fizzed up her nose. Jude took the glass back off her and handed her his handkerchief instead, a look of mingled amusement and apology in his eyes.

‘Sorry. I should have warned you it was champagne, or something masquerading as champagne rather.'

‘No, no. It's fine. Really.' Claire sneezed again and hurriedly apologised. ‘Sorry. This always happens if I drink sparkling wine.'

‘Something to remember for future reference,' Jude replied with a smile that disappeared abruptly when he realised the significance of that comment.

Claire gave him a tight little smile and turned away. Jude sighed as he watched her walk over to Lesley and the other nurses. It was obvious that she felt uncomfortable around him and who could blame her? Would it help if he apologised again? he wondered. He had never been in this position before and he had no idea what he should do. He could end up by making matters worse and that was the last thing he wanted. Maybe it would be better to say nothing than say the wrong thing.

The evening wore on. Everyone was in very high spirits and Jude did his best to join in with the jokes and the laughter, but he was very aware that it was merely a front. Inside, in those secret places he had discovered only recently, he wasn't laughing or joking. He wasn't really sure what was happening in there except that he felt sort of flat and empty, as though he had lost something vital, something he had no hope of recovering. When Moses brought in the cake and everyone cheered, he was hard-pressed to dredge up a smile. Was this how he would continue to feel or would he get back to normal once he returned to England? His gaze went to Claire and his heart sank because he already knew the answer to that question. His life would never be the same now that he had met her.

‘I don't know what to say...' There were tears in Bill's eyes as he stared at the cake. True, the icing was a rather lurid shade of green and the top layer had a decided list to starboard, but for a first attempt it was a remarkably good effort. Bill stood up and pumped Moses' hand. ‘First-rate job, Moses. I really can't thank you enough for all your hard work. It's brilliant!'

Moses looked thrilled when everyone applauded him. He hurried back to the kitchen as Bill set about slicing the cake. Jude accepted a slice although the last thing he felt like was eating cake. He bit into the sponge and gagged at the overpowering taste of salt that filled his mouth. Everyone was in the same boat, all coughing and spluttering as they spat it out. Lesley wiped her mouth with a tissue and shuddered.

‘Oh, yuck! I don't know what happened but something definitely went wrong. It's horrendous!'

‘Yuck is right.' Amy grimaced as she pushed her plate away and turned to Matt. ‘Are you sure you printed out the right recipe?'

‘I think so. I mean it said all the usual things, flour, sugar, butter, eggs.' Matt looked decidedly put out at being blamed. ‘I'm no cook but that's what usually goes into a cake, isn't it?'

‘Maybe there was a mix-up in the kitchen,' Bill said soothingly. ‘Not to worry, hey? It's the thought that counts and I really appreciate the effort you've all gone to tonight. The main thing now is to make sure that Moses doesn't find out that his masterpiece was a disaster. We don't want to hurt his feelings, do we?'

They all agreed that it was the last thing they wanted. Jude helped clear away the plates, scraping the uneaten cake into a paper bag that Kelly produced. The rest of the cake was carried upstairs to be disposed of discreetly the following morning at the hospital. Within a very short time the dining room was clear of any evidence and people were heading off to bed. Jude was the last to leave and he paused to switch off the lights.

It had been a strange night. He wasn't used to dissembling, mainly because he rarely felt so strongly about anything. He had changed so much since he had come here and he wasn't sure how he would cope when he returned home. Could he see himself going back to the work he had been doing, or would he find that he needed something more taxing that would not only stretch him but also make a real difference to people's lives?

Oh, he wasn't downplaying what he did in the private sector. Being rich wasn't a guarantee that one wouldn't experience discomfort and his patients were suitably grateful for his interventions. However, he was very aware that he hadn't pushed himself in the past few years, hadn't tried to develop his skills as he could have done. Maybe he had needed a break from the pressure of working for the NHS but it wasn't right that he continued to fritter away his talent. He didn't want to reach a point where he looked back at his life and wished he had done things differently.

It was a moment of revelation and it shook him. Jude switched off the lights, plunging the room into darkness. He glanced round when he heard footsteps on the stairs but he couldn't see who it was. It wasn't until she stepped down from the last step that he realised it was Claire.

Jude held his breath as he watched her cross the hall. He knew that he should say something to warn her he was there but he couldn't seem to speak. The words seemed to be jammed deep inside him and he couldn't push them out. She reached the door and he realised that he had to do something or risk scaring her half to death. Stepping forward, he switched on the lights again and heard her gasp.

‘Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you,' he said hurriedly.

‘I thought everyone had gone to bed!' she exclaimed, pressing her hand to her heart.

‘I was on my way, but ended up standing here, wool-gathering,' he replied lightly. He dredged up a smile, aware that he was probably the last person Claire wanted to see. The thought was almost unbearably painful and he hurried on. ‘What brought you back downstairs? After another slice of birthday cake, were you?'

‘Don't!' She shuddered. ‘I still can't get the taste of salt off my tongue. No, I came down to look for a button.' She held out the skirt of her dress and showed him the gap in the row of tiny pearl buttons. ‘It must have fallen off and I don't want to give it back to Lesley with a button missing after she was kind enough to lend it to me.'

‘Oh. I see.' Jude peered under the table, deeming it safer than standing there and admiring how she looked in the borrowed dress. His pulse gave an appreciative little leap and he crouched down so he could no longer see her. ‘Ah, there it is. Under that chair. I'll get it for you.'

Kneeling down, he quickly retrieved it. Claire smiled when he handed it to her. ‘Thank you. I would have felt awful if I'd lost it.' She put it in her pocket and sighed. ‘Lesley is always so kind about lending me her things. I'm going to miss her when I return to England.'

‘I didn't know you were going back!' Jude exclaimed.

‘My visa expires soon,' she explained. ‘I'll have to leave then.'

‘Can't you renew it while you're here?' he suggested, his mind racing. If she was returning to England then was it possible that he could arrange to see her again? Granted, they moved in very different circles but surely they could meet up? The thought buoyed him up even though he knew how pointless it was. After all, nothing would have changed. Claire would still be set on following a path that didn't leave any room for him.

‘Unfortunately not. The Mwurandan government has tightened up the rules concerning foreign nationals. There's been trouble recently about undesirable elements getting into the country, so they've decided that nobody can apply for a visa without undergoing a rigorous check first. I'll have to return to England and contact their embassy if I want to come back here.'

‘And do you?' Jude asked quietly.

‘I'm not sure. Maybe it's time I went back home instead of hiding away here.'

Claire bit her lip as she realised what she had said. The comment had slipped out before she'd had time to think about it and it was obvious that it had aroused Jude's curiosity.

‘What do you mean? How are you hiding away here? I thought you came here to help the people of this country,' he said, frowning.

‘Of course I did!' She drummed up a laugh but it was a poor effort. It certainly did nothing to convince Jude.

‘Are you sure about that?' He stared at her. ‘Far be it from me to question your word, Claire, but I have to say that it doesn't exactly ring true.'

‘No?' She gave a little shrug as she turned to leave. ‘There's not much I can do about that, I'm afraid.'

‘Oh, I disagree.' He stopped her by dint of placing his hand on her arm. Although Claire knew that she could pull away any time she chose, for some reason she couldn't move a muscle. It was as though the touch of his fingers on her skin had immobilised her. She could only stand there while he looked deep into her eyes.

‘You could try telling me the truth, Claire. The real truth, I mean, not the version you've told everyone else.'

Claire's heart surged in alarm. That Jude had guessed she had been less than forthcoming with everyone came as a shock. She bit her lip, feeling fear unfurling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't want to lie to him but the thought of confessing what had brought her to Mwuranda and had kept her here was more than she could bear. How could she tell him the truth and watch his curiosity turn to revulsion?

She pulled away, her whole body trembling. Maybe she was the innocent victim but could she really expect him to see beyond what had happened to her? She couldn't bear to know that he would always think of her in future as a woman who had been raped—nothing more.

‘You make it sound as though I'm hiding some dark secret!' She laughed, doing her best to feign amusement, not the easiest thing to do when her heart was aching. The thought of how Jude might react if he found out the truth made her feel sick. She knew instinctively that his reaction would affect her far more than anyone else's. ‘I hate to disappoint you but there's no mystery about it. I simply decided that working here was what I wanted to do.'

‘As simple as that, was it?'