Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch (14 page)

‘I need to tell you something, Claire, although I'm not sure if you'll want to hear it.' His voice grated, filled with so many emotions that it was impossible to sort one out from another, so Claire didn't try. She simply stood there and after a moment he carried on.

‘There was a reason why I kissed you yesterday and it had nothing to do with the heat of the moment either.'

He took hold of her hand and she had a feeling that he needed the contact to bolster his courage. The thought shocked her so much that the numbness which had enveloped her melted away. That this proud, self-possessed man needed her touch was humbling. It was an effort to concentrate when he continued.

‘I had to kiss you, Claire—I couldn't help myself and that's the truth of the matter. I...well, I think I'm falling in love with you even though I know I shouldn't let it happen.'

Jude could feel the blood pounding through his veins. Claire hadn't said a word and her silence simply compounded his worst fears. Was she shocked by what he had said? Dismayed by such an unwelcome declaration?
Disgusted
even that he should dare to feel this way about her? He swung round, knowing that the only thing he could do was to beat a hasty retreat. He didn't want to put her under any more pressure, definitely didn't want her thinking that she had to try to spare his feelings...

‘Wait!'

Jude stopped reluctantly, although he didn't turn round. He couldn't bring himself to do that in case he saw pity in her eyes. His pride may have been battered to a pulp but he had something left, so help him! ‘Yes?'

‘You can't tell me that and then just walk away!'

The anger in her voice brought him swinging round and he stared at her in shock because it wasn't the reaction he'd expected. ‘I'm sorry,' he began. ‘I know I shouldn't have said anything...'

‘No, you damned well shouldn't!' She limped over to him, leaning heavily on the crutches as she glared up into his face. ‘I didn't think you were a coward, Jude Slater, but that's what you are, an out-and-out coward!'

She gave him a none-too-gentle poke in the chest with one of the crutches and Jude took a step back, trying to think of something to say in his defence. However, it appeared she hadn't finished. ‘You could have told me yesterday how you felt, or
any
day at all, come to that, but, no, you had to wait until I'm about to leave.'

‘I'm sorry,' he began again then stopped when he realised he was repeating himself.

‘And you think that's enough, do you? You honestly think that another apology is going to make everything right?'

She shook her head, her silky blonde hair swirling around her shoulders, and Jude felt his body choose that particular moment to stir itself to life. He had never seen her so angry before and, hackneyed though it sounded, he couldn't help thinking how beautiful she looked.

‘I hoped it would,' he said softly, wondering if she could hear the desire in his voice.

‘Well, you were mistaken!' she shot back, but he saw the colour that rose to her cheeks and knew she had heard it. The strange thing was that she didn't look shocked or disgusted either.

Jude was just trying to get his head round that idea when Bill came over to them, raising his voice to make himself heard as the plane's engines started up.

‘Sorry to butt in, folks, but the pilot's ready to take off, so you'll have to get on board.'

‘Oh, right.' Claire swivelled round and kissed Bill on the cheek. ‘Thanks for everything, Bill,' she said, pitching her voice to carry above the roar of the engines. ‘You've been a wonderful friend.'

‘My pleasure, love.'

Bill gave her a fatherly hug then moved away, obviously wanting to afford them some privacy. Jude held his breath when Claire turned to him. He wanted more than a perfunctory kiss on the cheek but after what had happened just now he'd be lucky to get that. She looked him straight in the eyes then suddenly leant forward and he froze when, instead of kissing his cheek, she kissed him on the mouth. Her lips clung to his for a moment before she turned her head and whispered something in his ear.

‘What did you say?' he demanded, but she was already walking towards the plane. One of the crew helped her on board and the next moment the doors closed and that was that; Jude could only stand and watch as the plane took off.

‘See you later, son.'

Bill clapped him on the shoulder then headed over to the truck, but Jude stayed right where he was. Closing his eyes, he tried to make sense of what had happened. The noise from the plane's engines had made it difficult to hear properly but he could have sworn that Claire had whispered,
‘I am not a nun.'

Jude's eyes flew open and he watched until the plane disappeared from sight, those five little words ringing in his ears. Was it true or had he misheard her? He had no idea but one thing was certain: he intended to find out!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

A
MONTH
PASSED
and Claire gradually settled back into life in England. Her leg had healed and she no longer needed the crutches to get around. She had moved into temporary accommodation, renting a bedsit on the outskirts of London until she found herself a job. She had applied for three nursing posts and was waiting to be interviewed.

On the surface her life was running smoothly but underneath the apparent order was a lot of uncertainty. Would Jude get in touch with her when he returned to England or would he decide that he wanted nothing more to do with her? After all, she had deliberately misled him, so who could blame him if he chose not to see her again? Then there was the question of how she felt about seeing him when it would mean her having to tell him the rest of the story. The fear of how he might react hadn't gone away; if anything it had grown stronger because she had so much more to lose. She couldn't bear it if his love turned to revulsion once he found out what had happened to her.

It was all very unsettling. Claire found herself going over and over it day after day. Lesley had given Claire her mobile phone number with strict instructions to text her with her new address, but she thought long and hard before doing so. Although it was tempting to simply disappear, she knew it would be wrong to take the easy way out. Apart from the fact that she wanted to stay in touch with Lesley, it wouldn't be fair to Jude. She had accused him of being a coward and she couldn't behave in the same way. The team was due to return at the end of the following month, not that there was any guarantee he would want to see her. Once he was back on home ground his feelings could change. She wasn't sure if that idea made her feel better or worse. When her doorbell rang late one Friday night, she assumed it was a visitor for one of the other tenants ringing it by mistake. It came as a massive shock when she heard Jude's voice coming over the entryphone speaker.

‘Claire, it's me, Jude. Can you let me in, please?'

Claire's heart began to pound as she pressed the button to unlock the main doors. She had no idea why he had returned early but that was less important than why he had come to see her at this hour. It was almost midnight and far too late for a social call. Whatever had brought him here had to be extremely urgent.

* * *

Jude could feel the tension that had gripped him for the past twenty-four hours reach a crescendo. He knew that he should have left it until the morning before he saw Claire but he couldn't stand the strain any longer. He had spent the past month thinking about what she had said and now he needed answers. What it all boiled down to was why had she let him believe that she was a nun?

His heart was racing when he reached the first floor. Claire was standing by the door and he sighed when he saw how strained she looked. Did she regret telling him the truth, wish that she hadn't said anything? He had no idea but the tiny ray of hope that it had been an encouraging sign flickered even if it didn't quite disappear.

‘Come in.'

She led him inside, closing the door behind them. Jude took a long look around although there wasn't much to see. The whole place could have fitted into one room of his apartment and he felt a rush of anger at the thought. Claire deserved better than this shabby little room!

‘I didn't think you were due back yet.' She sat down on the sofa which obviously doubled as her bed and Jude pulled himself together. He hadn't come here to dis her living arrangements.

‘We weren't.' He opted for the single chair and sat down. ‘Unfortunately, there's been a lot of unrest recently and it was deemed too dangerous for us to stay out there.'

‘I see.' Claire frowned. ‘I'm surprised Lesley didn't text to tell me.'

‘I asked her not to.'

‘Why on earth did you do that?'

‘Because I was afraid that you would take steps to avoid seeing me if you knew I was back.' Jude leant forward, feeling the tension twisting his insides into knots. ‘I need to know if what you said before you left was true, Claire. Was it? Are you a nun?'

‘No. I'm not.'

Her voice was low but Jude felt its effects all the same. He took a deep breath, struggling to hang on to his control. ‘Then why did you let me believe that you were?'

‘Because I was afraid.'

‘Afraid,' he repeated because it was the last thing he had expected to hear. ‘Afraid of me, do you mean?'

‘Yes. I realised that you had an...effect on me and I was afraid of what might happen.'

‘What sort of effect?' he asked huskily, barely able to force the words out. This was more than he had dared hope for and it was hard to contain his joy.

‘One that I never expected to feel.'

She looked him straight in the eyes and he went cold when he saw the anguish on her face. He wanted to tell her to stop then, that he didn't need to know anything else, that he had heard everything that mattered, only he didn't get the chance. The words came out of her mouth and it was as though he had suffered an actual physical blow as they pounded into him.

‘I was raped, you see. And that's why I never wanted to feel anything for any man ever again.'

Claire could see the shock on Jude's face and stood up, unable to sit there and watch while shock gave way to anger and then to revulsion. That was what would happen, of course, she thought sickly. Once he got over his initial shock, he would react the way so many other men had done. She had read accounts written by other rape victims describing how their husbands and partners had reacted and they had been remarkably similar: shock came first; anger second; disgust next...

‘When did it happen?' His voice grated and she winced. Jude was suffering because he cared about her, because learning what had happened to her hurt
him
. The thought made her feel even worse.

‘Just over two years ago.' She plugged in the kettle, not because she wanted a drink but for something to do. She had to hold on to her control and make this as easy as possible for him. The last thing she wanted was him getting hurt.

‘Before you went to Mwuranda.'

It was a statement, not a question, and she nodded. ‘Yes. That's why I went. I wanted to get away from England.'

‘I see. Did you report what had happened to the police?' he continued and she sighed, understanding his need to know all the details. He thought it would help, thought it would make it easier if he filled his head with facts rather than emotions, but she knew better than anyone that nothing could stop the pain.

‘No,' she said quietly, hating herself for doing this to him. ‘I decided not to go to the police in the end.'

‘Because you were afraid of the publicity if the case went to court?'

‘That plus the fact that the man who raped me said that nobody would believe me.' She gave a bitter little laugh, stopping abruptly when she heard the note of hysteria that had crept in.

‘But that's ridiculous!' Jude leapt to his feet, his eyes blazing with anger. ‘Of course they would have believed you, Claire!'

‘Maybe.' She gave a tiny shrug. ‘And maybe not. I wasn't raped by a stranger, you see. I had been dating this man for a couple of months. That could have made a difference to what the police thought, especially if he'd told them I was trying to get back at him for dumping me.'

‘He threatened to do that?'

‘Oh, yes.' Her voice caught but she forced herself to carry on. She couldn't break down now. She had to tell Jude everything, every horrible, awful detail. She owed him that. ‘The fact that he attacked me because I told him that I didn't want to see him any more was irrelevant. He would have lied if it had meant he would escape punishment.'

‘There's no saying the police would have believed him,' Jude said quietly, making an obvious effort to regain control. ‘After all, it would have been his word against yours, Claire.'

‘True. But he's a lawyer, well respected, apparently, and I wasn't prepared to take that risk.'

She took a quick breath, feeling the foolish tears burning her eyes. She had known how hard it would be to tell him the truth and she should be relieved that it was all out in the open at last. Yet the fear that Jude must view her differently now was unbearably painful. She realised that there was only one thing she could do; she had to make sure he understood that she didn't expect anything from him. Maybe he had said that he loved her but he must feel very differently now that he knew she wasn't the person he had believed her to be, that she was soiled goods, tainted by the past.

‘So there you have it. I apologise for misleading you but it seemed the best thing to do.' She held out her hand, her heart aching at the thought of never seeing him again. But it wouldn't be fair to expect him to feel the same about her, to love her, to want her, to spend his life with her. Jude deserved better than her; he deserved a woman who didn't come with such terrible baggage. ‘I hope you won't think too badly of me in the future,' she said, her voice breaking.

‘And that's it, is it? You've told me the truth and now I'm expected to disappear?' He shook his head, his eyes holding hers fast so that Claire found she couldn't look away. ‘Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but that's not going to happen.'

He took a step towards her. ‘You and I could have something really special, Claire. Are you willing to turn your back on that because you're afraid?' Reaching out, he ran the tips of his fingers down her cheek, smiling tenderly when she sucked in her breath. ‘Because you do feel something, don't you, Claire? When I touch like this...' he repeated the gentle caress ‘...you feel the same way I do. Scared, excited, afraid of what's about to happen, afraid that it won't.'

‘Jude—' She got no further as he drew her into his arms and cradled her against him.

‘It's all right, my love. I understand how scared you must have felt, and how hard it's been for you to deal with what happened to you, but you're not on your own any more. I'm here and I'll always take care of you. You're safe with me.'

His voice was so filled with love that all the doubts which had consumed her suddenly melted away. When his hand moved to her hair and began to stroke it, she nestled against him, loving the feel of his body pressed against her own, so hard and strong and wonderfully reassuring. It struck her then that she had reached a turning point, that never again would she feel scared or ashamed. Telling Jude about the assault had stripped it of its power. Although she would never forget what had happened, she wouldn't let it destroy her life. And it was all thanks to Jude. He had given her back her future.

The thought unleashed all the feelings that she had tried to keep at bay. Reaching up, she drew his head down, kissing him with a passion she had never expected to feel again. But this was different. This was Jude. And he was the man she loved.

Jude gasped when he tasted the hunger on Claire's lips. After what she had told him, he had never expected this! However, there was no denying that she was kissing him as though she really meant it. He kissed her back, letting his lips speak for him. He loved her and he wanted her, and what he had learned hadn't made an iota of difference to any of that. Admittedly, he had been shocked but it hadn't changed his view of her. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever met, beautiful inside and out too. Nothing that had happened to her in the past—no matter how appalling—would alter how he felt.

The need to tell her that was too strong to resist. He drew back, framing her face between his hands as he looked deep into her eyes. ‘I love you, my darling, and I want you to know that what you've told me hasn't made any difference to how I feel about you.'

‘Are you sure?' She bit her lip and he could tell that she was struggling to hold back her tears. ‘I'd understand if you felt differently about me, Jude. It must be hard for any man to cope with what I told you, so please don't think that you have to stay with me out of kindness...'

‘Kindness has nothing to do with it!' Jude didn't let her finish. He kissed her long and hungrily, wanting to erase any foolish ideas she had about why he wanted to be with her. He loved her so much and the thought of being without her was unbearable.

They were both trembling when they drew apart. Jude ran his knuckles over her swollen lips, filled with awe that she wanted him so much. If he was honest, he didn't feel worthy of her love. He had led such a hedonistic life before they had met, wasted his talents instead of using them to make a difference to people's lives. Surely he should confess all that and make sure she understood exactly what kind of a man he was before they went any further?

Taking her hand, he led her to the sofa, his heart thumping as they sat down. The thought of how she might react when she found out the truth about him wasn't easy to deal with, but it wouldn't be fair to play down his shortcomings after she had been so open with him.

‘There's something I must tell you, Claire,' he began.

‘It's all right,' she said quickly, her voice catching. ‘I understand if you're having second thoughts.'

‘I'm not.' He kissed her softly on the mouth then smiled into her eyes. ‘Oh, I hate what's happened to you and wish with all my heart that you hadn't had to go through such a terrible ordeal. But it doesn't alter the way I feel about you. How could it when it's part of what has made you the person you are?'

‘Are you sure?' She gripped his hand and his heart ached when he felt the tremor that ran through her. ‘Sure that it won't make a difference in the future? I couldn't bear that, Jude. Really I couldn't.'

‘I'm sure.' He kissed her again then forced himself to pull back before temptation got the better of him. However, he couldn't bear to think that
she
might regret staying with him if she found out about his not-so-glorious past. The thought filled him with dread but he forced himself to continue. ‘I think it's only right that you know about my past, Claire. To be honest, I've devoted more time to pleasure than I have to my career in the last few years.'