Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5) (6 page)

She
could
be. But there were no guarantees.

That’s where God comes in
.

The words seemed to bubble forth from deep in her heart.

“
Ya
,” she whispered. “That’s where God comes in.”

Lydia placed the booklet on her bedside table, set her alarm clock, and flipped off the lantern. While she stared up at the dark ceiling, she tried to make sense of the evening. It seemed as if her world had been turned upside down in just a few hours. How could her baby sister have leukemia?

It didn’t make sense. How could God take such a perfect baby and give her a horrible, frightening illness? Why was Ruthie the only one of the four children to contract it?

A soft knock sounded on her doorframe and, after turning the lantern back on, she crossed the room. Pulling the door open, she found her father frowning in the doorway. Worry settled in her gut.

“Is
Mamm
okay?” she asked.

“
Ya
,”
Dat
said. “She’s rocking Ruthie.”

“Oh.” Lydia wound her fingers through her long, light brown hair. “I told
Mamm
I would take care of Ruthie tonight, but I never heard her cry. I was only sitting here quietly reading the booklet.” She pointed to her nightstand. “I don’t know how I missed it.” She started for the door. “I’ll take over.”

He shook his head. “No, you don’t need to. Your
mamm
and I were talking, and she said she needed to hold Ruthie. She went into her room and picked her up even though she was sleeping.”

“Oh.” Lydia was confused. Why didn’t her mother want her to help out tonight? It didn’t make sense at all, but maybe nothing made sense when your child was diagnosed with leukemia. Still, Lydia wanted to help her mother in every way she could. She felt the need to do something to help her sister too. If she just sat in her room, she’d feel lost with her life spinning out of control. “Is
Mamm
going to need help?”

He shrugged. “I think she’ll be okay, but I wanted to just speak to you alone for a moment.”

Lydia opened the door and motioned for him to come in. “What’s on your mind,
Dat?
”

“I want to thank you for being so strong earlier,” he began, stepping through the door. “I’m certain it tore you apart to see your
mamm
so upset. I know it was difficult for me. Things are going to be stressful, and there will be a lot of stress put on you. But I know you’re a hardworking
maedel
.”

She nodded even though she didn’t feel very strong. At the moment, she felt as if everything she’d known was slipping away and a new, scary life was about to begin.

“I believe the Lord is testing us somehow through this,
and we need to be ready to take this on.” He fingered his beard.

“Today
Mammi
quoted a verse from Psalm fifty-nine,” Lydia said. “I can’t remember all of it, but I know that it said ‘for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.’”

Dat
smiled. “That’s right.” He touched her arm. “We’ll get through this with the Lord’s help.”

“
Ya
.” Lydia forced a smile. She wanted to believe him, but doubt was swelling within her.
Am I as strong as my parents think I am?

“
Gut nacht
,” her father said. “I’m going to go check on your
mamm
and Ruthie.”

Dread slithered in Lydia’s stomach as she watched her father disappear into the dark hallway. Tears filled her eyes. How was she ever going to cope with taking care of the family while her mother was gone? It didn’t seem fair that this was all landing on her so quickly. Why was this happening to her?

Suddenly a thought occurred to Lydia, and it filled her room like an ominous storm cloud. If the Lord was testing her family, he must have a difficult lesson waiting for them.

D
uring the church service, Lydia sat next to Amanda and among the other young unmarried women while she sang along with the familiar German hymns in the
Ausbund
. It was the Ebersol family’s turn to host the three-hour service, which was held in the home of one of the church district families every other Sunday. Lydia was always amazed at how the living room and bedroom movable walls in each member’s home could create such a spacious meeting area. From the time she had been a little girl she’d become accustomed to sitting on the backless benches that were lined up for the district members and would later be converted to tables for lunch.

Lydia had once walked by an
English
church in town and noticed that the doors were open. Able to see inside the sanctuary, she found they were much different than what she was used to. Unlike the English churches, Lydia’s worship area didn’t have an altar, nor cross, nor flowers, nor instruments.

Today’s service began with a hymn. Lydia joined in as the congregation sang slowly. Her uncle Daniel Kauffman had been chosen as the song leader before the service began. He
began the first syllable of each line and then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the verse.

While the ministers met in another room for thirty minutes to choose who would preach that day, the congregation continued to sing. Lydia saw the ministers return during the last verse of the second hymn. She spotted them hanging their hats on the pegs on the wall, symbolizing that the service was about to begin.

The chosen minister began the first sermon, and his message droned on like background noise to the thoughts echoing in Lydia’s head. Although she tried to concentrate on the preacher’s holy words, she couldn’t stop looking over at the spot where her mother and Ruthie were sitting.

Amanda leaned over to Lydia and touched her hand. “Are you all right?” she whispered.

Lydia smoothed her apron over her legs. “
Ya
. Just thinking about things.”

“The Lord will take care of Ruthie,” Amanda said softly. “I can feel it.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia whispered. Although she appreciated Amanda’s words, they did little to comfort Lydia. She felt a tiny twinge of jealousy toward her cousin. Amanda had no idea the worry Lydia felt since Amanda and her siblings were healthy. Their family was normal and had nothing to fear.

The first sermon ended, and Lydia knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the hour-long main sermon began. Lydia stared at her lap and willed herself to concentrate on the sermon, which was spoken in German.

She swallowed a sigh of relief when the kneeling prayer was over. The congregation then stood for the benediction and the closing hymn was sung.

When the service was over, Lydia moved toward the kitchen with the rest of the women to help serve the noon meal. The men converted the benches into tables and then sat and talked while waiting for their food. As she had headed for the kitchen, she had smiled and greeted friends and relatives. Now she made small talk while filling coffee cups for the crowd of men.

Once the men were finished eating, Lydia filled a plate with food and followed Amanda to a corner to eat with friends. They joined other young people in the community, and Lydia sat quietly while everyone discussed their plans for the evening. These special weekly youth get-togethers were the events Lydia and her friends looked forward to all week long.

Lydia was sipping her cup of water when someone sank onto the bench beside her.

“Hi, stranger,” Joshua said with a grin as he lowered his plate and lifted a piece of homemade bread. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Hi, Joshua.” Lydia absently touched her prayer covering, hoping it was still straight. “It’s been busy at our house.”

“Busy,
ya
?” he asked, his eyes still accentuating his smile. “Too busy to walk across the field to my house? Remember when we were about seven and we tried to count how many steps it took to get from your porch to mine?” He bumped her with his elbow as he’d always done since they were in school together.

“
Ya
.” Lydia chuckled. “I think I lost track around three hundred.”

“We were lucky we counted that high.” He grinned. “Now, Lydia. What’s your excuse for not coming to see me these days? Are the scholars wearing you out at school?”

“Why are you blaming this all on me? Why do I need to do all of the walking toward your house?” She crossed her arms with feigned annoyance. “Last I heard, the boy was supposed to do the walking toward the girl’s house. Isn’t that how it works?”

Josh held up his hands as if to surrender. “You’re right. I should be doing the walking. It’s my fault.” His teasing expression faded as if he read the worry in her eyes. He always seemed to know how she felt before she opened up to him. “You don’t seem like yourself today. Is something wrong?”

Lydia paused, wondering how much she should share in front of the group, even though she knew news of her sister’s illness would spread through the community like wildfire. Although they knew gossip is a sin, not many of the ladies in the church district were very good at keeping secrets. Nancy had shared that her mother and her mother’s friends were known in the community for sharing gossip during quilting bees.

“Ruthie is very sick,” she said, careful to keep her voice low. “My parents took her to specialists in Hershey and they—”

“Lydia,” Mahlon interrupted, dropping into the seat across from them. “How are you feeling?” His grin was wide, and Lydia’s cheeks flamed in response. “Are you coming to the youth gathering tonight?”

Lydia stared down at her homemade bread smothered in jam, and her stomach seemed to twist. “I don’t know.”

“I hope you do,” Mahlon said with a small chuckle. “It’ll be fun.”

Lydia cleared her throat. She wished she had the strength to stare him down and tell him no, but his handsome face and wide grin somehow sapped all of her resolve. What was wrong with her?

“Mahlon,” Joshua began with an annoyed tone, “can’t you see you interrupted us? Don’t you have any social skills at all?”

Mahlon snorted. “What made you so uptight?”

Someone called Mahlon’s name across the room.

“I’ll see you all later,” Mahlon said as he stood. He looked at Lydia and smirked. “Hope to see you later, Lydia.” With a wink, he was gone.

Lydia wished her cheeks would stop flaring as she lifted a roll from her plate. She was certain Joshua would suspect something was going on between Mahlon and her, and it could ruin her hopes of Joshua’s asking her to be his girlfriend.

Joshua leaned in close, and she could smell his clean, soapy scent. His eyes were full of suspicion. “What was that about?”

“I don’t know,” she said softly, hoping she was a good liar. “I saw him last week at the youth gathering, and he said hello. That was it.” She stared at the uneaten roll in her hand to avoid his eyes.

“He has absolutely no manners,” Joshua muttered. “I can’t believe we used to be best friends. Anyway, what were you saying about Ruthie?”

Lydia took a deep breath and looked up at him. “She has leukemia.”

His blue eyes were full of shock. “Oh no. I’m so sorry.”

She ran her fingers over the edge of the table. “She starts treatments in a few weeks, and she’ll have to stay in the hospital up in Hershey for a while. Apparently the treatments are rough.”

“Lydia,” he said with eyes full of sympathy. “I’m so very sorry. I had no idea.”

“I know,” she said. “I assume word will get around fast, so you will hear it soon anyway.”

“How are your parents?” he asked as he angled his body toward her.

“My parents are taking it very hard,” she said. “It was really difficult the night they told us. I’ve never seen my mother so upset and worried before. It was scary.”

“If there’s anything I can do, please let me know, okay?”

He touched her hand, and her skin warmed at his touch.

“
Danki
, Josh.” She gave a sad smile. “How’s your family?”

“Fine,” he said, lifting his cup of water. “The dairy has been busy. Joey’s been helping my
dat
and me more, which is nice. My
mamm
is doing fine.” He gestured across the room toward a group of women talking. “You should go say hello to her. She’s asked about you.”

“I looked for you at the youth gathering last week,” Lydia said, hoping that she didn’t sound too eager. “I was surprised you weren’t there.”

He frowned. “Remember that stomach flu that was going around the district?”

“Oh.” She grimaced. “You got it.”

He gave a sheepish smile. “
Ya
, unfortunately our house wasn’t spared.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She ran her finger over the wooden table. “Will you be at the gathering tonight?”

“Probably.” He shrugged. “I don’t have any other plans.”

A few of the young men at the table stood and started toward the door.

“I guess it’s volleyball time,” Joshua said as he stood. “I’ll see you later.” He gave her a smile that told her he looked forward to seeing her later, and her pulse leapt. There was
something about Josh’s smile that always made her feel safe. It was as if that special smile was meant only for her.

“Okay.” Lydia’s eyes were glued to him as he disappeared through the doorway. He headed toward the kitchen while walking with the swagger she’d learned to admire over the years.

Mahlon came up behind Joshua. Glancing over at Lydia, he grinned and waved before he disappeared outside with the rest of the young men.

“Lydia, I think Mahlon likes you.” Amanda’s voice was low in her ear. “It’s obvious. Did you see that smile and wave?”

Lydia frowned. The attention Mahlon paid to her could possibly ruin her chances with Joshua. “I’m certain he doesn’t like me, Amanda.”

“Oh, I think he does. I heard him say he wants you to come to the youth gathering tonight and he kept smiling at you.” Amanda gave a determined nod. “You did something to catch his eye.”

Lydia swallowed a groan. Amanda had no idea how true that statement was. “If I did, then I wish I could take it back.” And that was the truth.

“You may have a suitor whether you like it or not.” Amanda scooped a spoonful of potato salad into her mouth.

“There’s only one suitor I want,” Lydia said. “I just wish he’d realize that I’m waiting.”

“
Buwe
don’t think like we do,” Amanda said. “My
mamm
said it took my
dat
two months to ask her out. Josh will probably ask you out when you least expect it.”

“Or never.” Lydia sighed.

Amanda looped an arm around Lydia. “Don’t lose your faith. As
Mammi
says, God is with us, and he will guide and protect us, even when we think he’s forgotten us.” She
pointed toward Lydia’s still-full plate. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

Lydia shook her head while thinking about Mahlon’s sudden interest. She had no desire to finish her lunch. “I’ve lost my appetite.”

“You want to go?”

“
Ya
,” Lydia said.

Amanda gathered up both plates. “Let’s help in the kitchen and then go outside for some fresh air.”

Later that afternoon, Lydia and Amanda sat on a small hill and watched the young men play volleyball. Lydia studied Joshua, who jumped and set the ball easily, as if he were a professional volleyball player.

Amanda shucked her sweater and placed it on the grass beside her. “Isn’t the weather
schee
? I can’t remember a nicer spring.”

“
Ya
.” Lydia said while pulling up blades of grass. “The scholars had spring fever this week in class. The
buwe
were even more rambunctious than usual.”

Amanda chuckled. “I bet teaching is a challenge,
ya
?”

Lydia shrugged. “It’s not so bad.”

“Are you going to become the teacher when Barbie gets married?” Amanda tented her hand over her eyes to shield them from the sun while gazing toward the boys on the makeshift volleyball court.

“I don’t know,” Lydia said. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

“You should think about it.” Amanda lifted a peanut butter cookie from the napkin beside her. “I would imagine she’ll get engaged this summer and married in the fall.
I think she and her sweetheart are very much in love. I’ve heard my
mamm
talking to her
mamm
.”

Lydia flicked a few stray blades of grass off her purple dress. She knew there was a possibility that the parents might ask her to become the teacher, even though most teacher assistants often went to serve as teachers in neighboring districts. She wasn’t certain, however, that she wanted to be a full-time teacher. The women in her family seemed to always work full-time at the bakery, and part of her wanted to follow in their footsteps and keep with the family tradition.

Amanda handed Lydia a cookie, and Lydia bit into it.

“Do you want to talk?” Amanda offered.

Lydia yanked up more grass. “I’m just worried about what’s going to happen with Ruthie. I remember when Bishop Chupp’s daughter died of leukemia. Weren’t we about twelve?”

Amanda shook her head. “Just because the bishop’s daughter died of leukemia doesn’t mean that Ruthie will.”

“I know,” Lydia whispered. “But I can’t stop thinking about her. The side effects of the treatments are terrible. I was reading about them last night. She can have mouth sores, hair loss, rashes, diarrhea, vomiting, and nausea. Her life is going to be terrible.” Her voice trembled with her worries. “She’s only four, Amanda. How will she understand what’s happening to her? She’s going to wonder why God has done this to her.”

With tears glistening in her blue eyes, Amanda touched Lydia’s hand. “You know we will all pray for Ruthie, and we’ll have faith that she’ll get through this.
Mammi
tells us to always have faith, even in things we don’t see,
ya
?”

“
Ya
,” Lydia said before clearing her throat in hopes of stopping the lump that threatened to form.