Reckless Mind (14 page)

How did he ruin her?

Why doesn't he get a happy ending?

Who was she?

“I know what you're thinking, I can feel it radiating off you, the concern...the questions. Can we just not do it tonight?” He didn't look at me when he spoke, only tightened his arm around me pulling me closer to him like he was afraid I'd just disappear. I nodded and then pushed him a little so he would lay down on the couch. Stretching along the length of his body, I put my head on his chest, and wrapped an arm around his stomach. Not moving for a few seconds, finally he cradled me with both of his arms, pulling me as close to him as I could get.

Brandon kissed me on the top of my head, and I closed my eyes as he hummed a song to me I wasn't sure I'd ever heard before. I was trying to think of something to talk about, willing my eyes to open back up, but the weight of everything seemed to crash down on me in that moment, and I was exhausted.

Soothing circles were being rubbed across my back, and I thought I heard Brandon whisper, “Please don't leave me, baby,” to me as I fell asleep. But I never could get far away from my past.

I knew I was dreaming, but that didn't make anything less real. Struggling in my dream to get away from some disgusting guy, he caught my wrist and was pulling me back to him, forcing me down on the bed. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, “Please, don't hurt me. No, stop. Please, please, stop. Stop.” Thrashing back and forth trying to break free, tears streaming down my face, I begged my sleeping self to wake up. I couldn't do this, not even just in a dream.

“Kahlen, baby, wake up. Wake up, Kahlen. I'm here, hey, I'm here.” I shot straight up on the couch, gasping for breath, looking around wildly trying to figure out who I was trying to get away from. The room was dark now, except for a small light somewhere in the adjoining room. “Hey, I'm here.”

Jumping off the couch at the sound of a man's voice, I landed on the floor hard scraping up my back on the corner of the coffee table as I went down. My eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet, so I couldn't make out where I was or who I was with. Panic started coursing through my system, my heart racing, my palms slick with sweat. There wasn't enough air in the room to fill my lungs.

Out of nowhere a light flipped on, and I turned frantically, clutching my throat because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Brandon, I was with Brandon at his apartment. I fell asleep on the couch with him, he was holding me. There is no one here, I am not back at my foster parents', no one is going to hurt me here.

Then a single tear escaped me as it dawned on me when I saw the look of horror on Brandon's face. I had talked out loud during my dream. How much did he know now? It must have been enough because when he approached me he did it as though I was a ferral animal. With his hand stretched out in front of him, he kneeled down in front of me and pushed the hair back off my face. His thumb brushed away the tear that still fell down my cheek.

“What did they do to you, Kahlen?” Loud, angry, gut wrenching, body wrecking sobs broke free from my chest. Brandon picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me down the hall into his bedroom. Laying me on his bed, he crawled in next to me. “Sleep, Kahlen, you're safe. I promise. Just sleep now.”

As I soaked his shirt with all the tears I'd held in for all those years I knew tomorrow wouldn't be any easier. Tomorrow I would have to tell him my story and possibly watch him walk away from me forever.

Chapter 11

“You didn't,” I heard Emma's whispered voice, but I was so warm and comfortable I didn't want to wake up or move, so I just let consciousness wash over me slowly. That's when it dawned on me I was all wrapped up, over, under, and around Brandon.

“Keep your voice down, she needs to sleep, Em. And no, I didn't fuck her if that's what you're getting at.” He sounded irritated that his sister had just walked right into his room.

“I was going to ask if you
made love
to her fuckwad. You may think I'm supid, but I've seen how you've looked at her since day one.
If
anything had happened between the two of you, it definitely wouldn't be classified as fucking. Douchebag.” I could mentally see Emma either rolling her eyes or flipping her brother off, maybe even both.

“Why is she here? Did something happen to her, like a panic attack or something?” I heard the concern in her voice and knew she wouldn't have brought up my attacks if she didn't think it was necessary.

“It was definitely something. Why? What do you know about it?” Brandon shifted slightly under me, probably trying to get a better look at his sister to gage whether she was telling him the truth.

“Nothing I'm going to tell you. That's her business, if she wants you to know she'll tell you.” But when Emma spoke again, her tone softened. “She will tell you, you know...she just wants you to know her, she needs to feel like you know who she is, what kind of person she is. Just don't give up on her, Brandon.” I got a little choked up hearing her say the same thing to him as she said to me in reference to him.

“Now you're freaking me out, Em. You know I have my own shit, my own problems. If all I'm going to do is just drag her down,” but he didn't finish that thought. “If there is someone better,” he stopped again, and I knew if his hands had been free, rather than wrapped securely around me, he'd be running them through his hair right now. “Em, how can I be anything she needs when I can't even be who I need for myself?”

The tenderness and sadness in his tone pulled at my heart. I had no idea what he meant when talking about himself, but I felt like screaming and telling him what he did for me last night, and what he was doing for me now was everything I needed. Him being there for me, and staying around once I told him everything...that was what I needed.

“Brandon, you'll figure it out. And a word of advice, make it work.” She quietly shut the door, and Brandon relaxed just a bit back down onto the mattress.

His slow even breaths relaxed me, the smell that was him surrounded me, his body made me feel secure when I'd never felt that before. I adjusted my head so I could look at him if I opened my eyes. He trailed his fingers up under my shirt moving all over across my back, and set a light kiss on the tip of my nose.

My lashes fluttered open, and I stretched a little trying to get my body to wake up more. “Hey,” I whispered, a nervous ball sat in the pit of my stomach. What I said to him, how he reacted to everything, it would determine so much of what would happen between us going forward.

“Hey back,” his tone and mood was somber, and he shifted so he was on his side next to me looking in my eyes. “What was that last night? I mean, I don't want to upset you all over again jumping right into it, but I don't think I slept more than five minutes all night because I was going out of my fucking mind worrying about you.”

I was a nice sentiment, knowing he cared enough, and I had hoped that it was enough for him to see past everything I'd done, that he could see the person I am and not the person they made me be. “It's not a short story, and it's not a happy one,” I started, shaking my head. “But if you're sure you want to hear it, I owe it to you after everything last night.”

“I don't want you do
owe
it to me, Kahlen, I want you to
want
to tell me. Do you want to tell me?” His honey eyes had dark circles under them, his hand was threaded through his hair, his lip trapped between his teeth.

“I honestly don't know, I thought I was going to have more time. Thought we'd be able to get to know each other more, that
you
would get to know
me
more before I had to go into my past with you.” My throat was tight from fighting off the tears. I didn't know why, but the more I continued to talk, the more the sinking feeling grew in my stomach.

“It'll all be okay in the end, Kahlen.” Taking strength from his words, and a deep breath that was hard to come by, I started telling him about it all.

Just like with Emma, the beginning was easy to get out. His eyes held my gaze as I told him about being in the foster care system, and moving around a lot all growing up. When I got to the more recent things I choked up, my voice literally wouldn't come out.

“Hey,” he said, his voice wrapped around me like a hug. “I'm here okay, you can tell me.” He left a chaste kiss on my temple, and I continued. I told him how my foster parents always had people around, and if I didn't do what they wanted me to they punished me. Tears pooled in my eyes, I was pulling at the blanket covering my body, thinking if I wrapped myself up enough I'd get warm. Deep down I knew the chill I felt was from the memories of the past, not because I was actually cold.

Brandon held my chin in his hand, moving my face so I looked at him instead. “What do you mean when you say they made you do things?” This was it, the question I knew I'd need to answer, and in more detail than what Emma let me get away with. He would make me tell him everything. The tears that had effectively stayed pooled in my eyes fell now.

“They made me
entertain
their
business connections
.”  I took a deep breath, trapping what air I could get in my lungs before exhaling long and slow. I repeated this over and over for at least five minutes, all while Brandon lay quietly next to me. His pillow wet from where my tears fell.

“Kahlen? What does that mean?” This was hard for him, I could hear it in his voice. He didn't want to ask, didn't want to make me say what he knew was coming, but I knew he needed to know just as much as I needed to tell him. Maybe I was wrong up to this point thinking we could get close without getting all of this out in the open in the first place. Granted, “Hey, my foster parents used to make me do sexual things to men they brought around, and if I didn't do it they would've killed me,” was a little strong for a first date, but nothing about Brandon and I had followed the norm since we met.

“They made me do sexual things, Brandon. My mouth and lips were put on different men all the time. If I refused they hurt me. If the men complained about it seeming like I wasn't into it, they hurt me. Sometimes they just hurt me because they could. Other times they made me do what they wanted me to in front of a group of men, all waiting for their turn.”

Holy shit. Never, never had I ever thought I would be saying these things aloud. I came here to get away from it all, thought I could push it all to the back of my mind and start over. Never once did I think that I would meet people who could see through me like a pane of glass.

“What did they make you do specifically?” His voice was raw, he sounded angry, or frustrated. It sounded a lot like he always got before he walked away from me in the past. Fear gripped my stomach and twisted relentlessly. I reached out and took his hands in mine, hoping that by holding on to him I could keep him with me.

“They made me,” my voice broke, but I continued. “I touched them, Brandon...sometimes they would get off just with me using my hands, those were the least traumatic times. Other times the men wanted to kiss me, and then they'd,” I was crying now, a lot, I just couldn't get myself to stop.

“Kahlen.” He whispered gently as he pulled me on top of him, wrapping me in his arms. Maybe he was trying to erase or replace the memories I was having with ones of him, and in the moment it took my mind away from the past. But once he released me I was thrown right back into everything I needed to finish telling him.

This part was hard, so hard to get out. I threaded my hand through my hair, and clenched my other hand so tight I felt the previous cuts open in my palm. My breathing came faster, and I pulled my hair until my eyes watered trying to pull back the memories. I wanted to tell him, to be able to speak without feeling like I was reliving it all over again, but I was having a hell of a time with it.

“They'd push my head down on them until I took them in my mouth and got them off that way. How I ever managed,” I took in the scattered breaths my lungs needed, the kind that happened when you were crying so fucking hard you never thought you'd stop or breath right again. “I was never raped. Forced to do so many things I didn't want to, yes. But enduring what I did for four years, and still coming out of it a virgin,” I stopped abruptly. That was meant to be said in a much more happy way, a way that told him I was so relieved, not only to have gotten out of there alive, but to have made it out with at least that much of me left untouched.

“Christ, Kahlen.” He sat up and pulled me to him now, cradling me in his arms. When his lips pressed against mine it was slow, careful. He took his time and was so gentle with me, waiting for me to deepen the kiss. The taste of him on my tongue felt and tasted like everything I knew it would. I was thankful I was there with him.

“There's more,” I said quickly in one of the moments where our lips broke apart. He had an exhausted look on his face, like he couldn't believe there was any way there could possibly be more. “The punishments, well, they weren't just like the normal, you're grounded for a week. I didn't have a phone or TV they took away, it was more physical than that.”

“After everything they did to you, they put their hands on you too?” His question came out quiet, like he didn't want to ask it or hear the answer, not really. But this was no dream, and everything needed to be put out in the open. I nodded my head, and sat up on the bed. Moving to take my shirt off to show him, he placed his hands on me to stop me. “I don't want,” he tried again. “You don't need to,” but I knew what he meant. I didn't need to show him the marks that littered my body, making any man who would see me naked for the rest of my life know, constantly remind them, of what I had been. What I had done. He just pulled me back to him, tucking my head under his chin, and placing a kiss on top of my head.