Reckless Mind (24 page)

This time I flinched when he said that, curling my legs up under my butt, I wrapped my arms around myself. The guardians I was placed with used to tell me they hated me too, this conversation was taking a nose dive. But if he felt like he needed to get all this out, I would let him.

“Obviously you know what I did after that to hurt you. It was basically the same thing with Cole. I told him to stay away from you even though I wasn't sure I had any intention of ever really making anything come of us at that point. But when I thought he'd made a fucking move on you it pissed me off because no matter how much I told myself I hated you and all you did was brought misery to my life, I felt so pulled to you. I started to make myself believe maybe I could have more, maybe I could have you.

By the time you told me what had happened to you, I already knew I kept telling myself I hated you so I could keep how I really felt at bay. You are the only girl who has ever slept in my bed with me. I held you closer and tighter than anyone in my life because I'd found my heaven, and I knew I had to leave it. If I would ever have a chance with you, I had to leave because if I didn't I would have self destructed us, I would have ruined you just like I said I would. You meant enough to me to walk away in that moment. “

Tears fell down my face as I stared at my now folded hands sitting in my lap. I chanced looking at him and saw he was just as upset as I was, and a few stray tears escaped his eyes. Those whiskey eyes pleaded with me to listen to what he was saying to me right now.

“I'm sorry I made you feel like you didn't matter to me, and I'm sorry I left without saying anything. You mean so much to me, Kahlen, so much. If you hadn't ever come into my life I probably wouldn't have been around for much longer. The path I was on, how deep in the depression I was without trying to get help for it, I was slipping fast.”

“Wait, Brandon, let me say something okay?” The tears continued to fall. “I know you are pouring your heart out to me, and I did care, still do care for you and want the best for you, but I don't feel how I always thought I did. Not about you, not anymore.” I knew after he replayed everything he'd done to me aloud, I really did only feel connected to him because I knew his soul was tormented like mine, thought maybe if I was with someone else I saw as myself they might accept me. “The way our relationship started was not healthy and never would have lasted.”

“I'm glad to hear you say that Kahlen, because I'm still not good enough for you. You deserve someone who could accept you as you were and are, and I was never that person. I hated you for what you made me feel, then I felt like I used you because I thought you could pull me out of the deep abyss I was in...but the whole time it was never about you, it was about what you could or were doing for me. And I'm sorry for that. I love you in so many ways, Kahlen, just not the way that matters the most.

I truly hope you can forgive me someday, and we can be friends. I know that might take some time, and if it never happens please just remember even though we didn't end up falling madly in love, you did save me. What I am now was because of you, so thank you.”

“You did this, Brandon. I may, in some weird way, have pushed you to it, but you are the one who pulled yourself out of this, so give yourself credit too. If you ever need me I will always be there for you as a friend, but it will take time for us to become friends. I think if we take one day at a time and don't try to push things we'll get there.”

He smiled his crooked smile at me now, those honey eyes seeming lighter in so many ways. Before I left I told him about Cole, not in detail, just that he and I had been hanging out more and we were going to see where it took us. Brandon didn't congratulate me or wish us the best, but gave me a sort of sad knowing smile like he knew it was Cole all along who was the better man, just like Cole had said.

I ran back and told Jax bye, then grabbed my purse and headed to my car. I was so relieved to have come to the understanding about how I felt about Brandon before the words fell from his lips. I would always know this was my choice, Cole was my choice.

For some reason I was actually nervous walking up to his place. I didn't want to tell him Brandon was back, but I was very excited to tell Cole that I told Brandon how I felt about him. There were still issues I needed to work on from my past, but with Dr. Hyland's help and some patience and time I knew I could get through all of that too.

Knocking on the door I couldn't wait to see Cole. He opened the door and I threw myself at him, he caught me easily, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Taking his face in my hands, letting myself get lost in those misty green eyes, I tried to convey to him how much he meant to me through the way I looked at him.

“Hey, pretty girl.” I got all emotional because I could see the passion in his eyes he had for me. It was almost like I could
feel
how he felt about me with those looks, with the way he spoke to me. My lips crashed down on his and all of the worrying I had done vanished. He'd said I was his, now I was going to prove to him every single day that I was. I would never give Cole a reason to think I didn't care for him as much as I did. I would take the chance, open my heart up to him completely.

“I'm giving you my heart, Cole. Please,” my voice broke a little. “Please don't break me.”

“If you had any idea how I feel about you you'd know I'll never, ever do anything with you or your heart except give you whatever you need whenever you need it.” His lips moved over mine slowly, the tantalizing taste of his tongue on mine had me deepening the kiss, begging for more of him. Cole carried me to his room and set me down on my feet, his mouth moving to my neck. His hands found the hem of the shirt I had on and as he began to lift the shirt his tongue flicked sensuously down my neck.

When he pulled the shirt over my head he caught the arm with the jagged scar on it and, beginning at my wrist, he trailed the tip of his tongue to the crook of my arm where his lips kissed and sucked. I couldn't stop the low moan that escaped through my parted lips. With my shirt off, Cole continued licking, kissing, and sucking various pla
ces all over the upper half of my body.

It wasn't until he said, 'you're so beautiful, pretty girl', that I noticed the heat left behind from his mouth on me was every single scar that was on my body. “Every single part of you, Kahlen, I want all of you.” In that moment I would have given him whatever he wanted. “And trust me when I say I'm going to make you scream my name tonight, but I'm slowing things down with you. I want to do right by you, treat you how you deserve to be treated.”

I knew he meant he wasn't going to pressure me to have sex, and I was thankful for that. Not because I didn't want to make love to him, but because I wanted to take this slow and savor every single thing.

He brought his mouth to mine and I wrapped the longer part of his hair on the top of his head around my fingers. Cole's fingers moved to my button, undoing it and helping me step out of my shorts in mere seconds. My boyfriend was a sex god, and now all he wanted was to please me. I was so lucky.

Languidly his arms snaked around my body pulling me tight to him, and he picked me up just enough to lay me down on his bed. His body was next to mine, but half of him was over me, and his hand pushed one of the cups down freeing my breast, then the other. Cole let out a sexy as hell growl when he took in my naked hard peaks begging for his touch.

His tongue slowly circled one nipple as he took the other between his finger and thumb rolling it gently between the two. When his mouth latched on to where his tongue previously caressed he also used more pressure on my other nipple, and I was lifting myself off of the bead in hopes of feeling more of me in his mouth and hand.

At first it was a slow rhythm the sucking and pulling, then when Cole switched to the other side one of his legs moved between mine and he moved it gently against my sensitive nub. I cringed in pleasure as I moaned louder than I had before.

“That's right, pretty girl, relax and let go. I'll take you there, I can't wait to hear my name leave your lips when I make you come for me.” The hand that had been teasing my stiff nipple moved further south. “If you ever want me to slow down just say the word. It doesn't matter what's going on.”

When Cole's hand traveled underneath the band of my underwear I sucked in a deep breath at the feel of him so close to the area that felt like it was throbbing in need for him. He moved his mouth away from my breast and brought it to my lips. When his tongue slid over my bottom lip, his finger slid over my wet entrance.

“You're so wet. Not this time, but soon Kahlen I'm going to taste you. I can't wait for my tongue to be inside you tasting you as you come.” Something about the way this man spoke was enough to make me lose it, and his hand teasing me, and the taste of his tongue on mine and I was so close.

Cole slipped a finger inside of me. I moaned and lifted my hips to push him farther in. A small laughed left his lips, “I love how your body responds to me. Every time will only get better and better. You're so wet for me, I love how much you want me.” He added another finger and gradually pushed them inside of me. I bit my lip focusing on what it felt like to have part of him, even if it wasn't the part I craved the most, inside me.

“Open your eyes, pretty girl,” I did as I was told. Cole's normally barely there green eyes were near black now. He was turned on by what he was doing to me just as much as I was. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

“Please, move inside me,” my voice was low, want dripping from every syllable I spoke. As he moved slowly in and out my eyes fluttered shut at the pure pleasure I felt.

“Open your eyes. I want to look at you, watch how you react when I touch you, and I want to see your face as you call out my name when you come.” His fingers kept moving the entire time he spoke, and it was so fucking hot. I felt my lower body tightening like a coil before it was let loose. “That's right, you're close. Move against my hand, Kahlen, just let go.”

It was like once he gave me permission I couldn't stop. Unhurriedly I moved my hips against him while he deliberately moved his finger in a way that had me moaning, groaning, and sighing every time he stroked inside me. Our eyes were locked on each other, Cole bit his lip ring into his mouth with a look on his face of passion and pure lust filled want.

“Cole, please, oh, don't stop.”

“Keep talking, pretty girl. Tell me what you want.” He licked my nipple, sucking it into his mouth as he pushed his fingers in as deep as he could, and I came undone. As soon as he knew it was happening he moved his head back to watch me. “That's right, come for me.”

“Don't stop, oh, god.” I completely shattered calling out his name over and over again. He kept moving his fingers gently inside me as he brought our mouths together riding out my orgasm.

“Best first orgasm ever, pretty girl.” He pulled me close, wrapping me in his arms.

Chapter 21

I woke up wrapped in Cole's arms, and I felt like I was home. He was still sleeping and I just laid there staring at him, running my fingertips over the angled features of his face. “You know some people would consider this creepy,” his voice was thick with sleep. Cracking one eye open, he laughed as my face turned red. He'd caught me staring at him, and who knows for how long I'd been doing it.

Rolling away from him, feeling stupid for being so obsessed with him that I literally just laid there and stared at him for an undetermined, yet large, amount of time, I moved to get out of the bed but his arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back into bed. “Oh no you don't, get your ass back here,” he said laughing and pulling me on top of him.

I sat up straddling his waist. “You're so gorgeous Cole. Do you see how
girls look at you? You are sex on a stick and they eye fuck you all day long. I'm acting like one of them and its lame.”

“You are mine, Kahlen. You should look at me like you do, I'd think there was something wrong with me if you didn't.” He pulled me down to him, his warm lips touching mine lightly. “As far as other girls, I haven't seen a single one since I met you. You are all I see, all I want, all I need. As long as I have you, Kahlen, I just need you.”

I smiled at him, and he placed his hands on my hips and arched himself up to meet my body. “But really, I need you,” I smacked his bare chest lightly and he chuckled, pulling his ring in between his teeth. “Last night was hot, pretty girl. I like giving you firsts, and I plan to give you a lot more. Every time I touch you I hope it makes you more and more confident in yourself because I want to help you see what I see every second I look at you.”

My eyes got teary thinking someone could actually feel this way about me. Cole came into my life at one of the worst times, but every memory I have of him is a good one. My feelings for him were growing so fast I was a little scared about it, but I knew if he felt even half of what I felt for him then being scared was worth every second.

Gazing down at him, I kissed my fingertips and placed them on his lips as my other hand rested over his heart. “I'm not going to be careless with this, Cole,” I said gently stroking my hand over his heart. “I know what it means to let someone in, how hard it can be to do that, and I just want you to know you mean something to me. You're like the best friend I always needed but never had, a protector that will finally keep me safe, and, one day, the lover I will surrender to one hundred percent. I...I,” I loved him, I loved him so much it all came flooding in.