Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (5 page)

"Okay. Yes! You know me too well." Kate
swallowed. "But I didn't know it was true until this moment." She
pushed her face into her hands, moaning. "Oh, my God. What's wrong with
me?"

"Damned if I know. Especially with the delicious Jay
waiting in the wings. What could you possibly gain by tangling with Simon again?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I'm torturing myself.
But..."

"But?"

"Well..."

"Well...?"

"There's more. And I can't avoid it."

Alexa's mouth quirked into a wry smile. "You gonna
share that with me?"

Kate screwed up her face, diligently studying the Jackson
Pollock emerging on the tablecloth. Tight bands of fear wrapped her chest,
squeezing her heart until it fluttered like a dying bird, crushing the air from
her lungs. Her head flushed hot as a furnace. Her voice, when it emerged, was a
strangled whisper. "It means... it means I'll have to tell you a dark
secret."

Alexa's tone twisted with sarcasm. "Something I
don't already know about you. Seriously? That exists?"

A gust of embarrassed laughter escaped from Kate, merging
into a mangled groan. "Yeah." She bit down on her thumbnail.
"I'm so afraid you'll be angry with me Al."

Alexa was suddenly wide awake and leaning in. "Kate?
What the fuck is it?"

Kate glanced around them. The restaurant crowd was
thinning. Not many customers were left, and none were within earshot. She took
a few shaky Pranayama breaths to calm herself. "So. Remember back in third
year. When I got more and more crazy obsessed with him?"

Alexa nodded slowly, pinching her eyes together.

"Remember that party?"

"Simon's birthday party. Where you dragged me even
though we didn't know anyone?"

"Yeah. That's the one."

"The one where I had to sleep in a chair half the
night, and then walk about ten kilometers home as the sun came up because you
slept with him and then desperately had to sneak out?"

Kate's heart fell to the pit of her stomach like a rock.
"Yeah. That one." Trust Alexa to remember the humiliating details.

Alexa pursed her lips. "I always did wonder about
that. You never mentioned him again.”

"Nope.”

"Oh, fuck. Did he do something nasty? I'll kill the
bastard."

"No! No." Kate's breath came fast and shallow,
her vision narrowing and getting spotty. "Not like that. It was
unpleasant, that’s all. See... I pretty much threw myself at him that night. He
wasn't very friendly, but in the end we did go to his…. We hardly spoke. I
can’t remember… then we finally... you know..." she nodded, and Alexa
nodded back in understanding.

"He was... angry, I guess? Kind of cold and mean. He
didn't hurt me.” She shook her head, not wanting Alex to misconstrue. Her voice
dropped to a whisper. “Not physically. But it was clear he didn't like me,
didn't really want me there. I cried the whole time, wishing for something I
couldn't have."

"That's sick."

Kate drew a deep shuddering breath, paused, and let it
out. "I still don't understand why he didn't ignore me or kick me out.
Just being a dumb guy, I guess–a lay is a lay. Anyway, it was confusing and
humiliating. I was devastated."

"So that must be pretty uncomfortable for both of
you."

Kate nodded, shrugged, feeling as though the room had
shrunk and Alexa and she sat huddled together in a small dark box without air.
Her skin felt raw and tight, as though she'd been peeled alive. "I have no
idea what he's thinking." She focused on Alex's eyes, worrying her cheek,
and hung on, knowing she could trust her friend with anything, and she'd be
okay. She'd be okay. "There's more."

Alex exhaled and sat back, breaking eye contact.

"Don't leave me, Alex." Kate reached out and
grabbed Alexa's hand.

Alexa leaned in and placed her other hand on top of
Kate's, squeezing. "I'm still here, honey. You can tell me."

"Something else happened to me that night. I
remembered something."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't understand it at the time. It crept up
gradually. But something about that ugly night with Simon triggered delayed
recall. I started getting flashes. Fragments of something."

Alexa nodded, and Kate could see the question in her
eyes, awareness dawning.

"A memory of getting... raped… on a high school
trip, that I had essentially…forgotten… for years."

Alexa sat stunned, her mouth open. "Is that even
possible? I read–"

"I know. I thought so too. There's all kinds of
controversy and misinformation out there about the subject. But I know what I
experienced."

Alexa's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, baby. Why
didn't you ever tell me?" Her eyes flooded with tears, triggering Kate's
own, which burned paths down her cheeks. A sob ripped from her chest, as though
the wall of tension holding her together had suddenly ruptured like a balloon,
and she pulled a hand back to smother it, pressing her palm against wet,
trembling lips. For several moments, she couldn't speak, could only feel waves
of pain and shame surge through her body. Alexa waited, drawing a thumb back
and forth over the back of Kate's other hand, soothing. Finally, the quaking
eased, and she could draw a full breath.

Her jaw was too cramped to allow speech, lines of tension
forking down her neck and shoulders. "I didn't understand for another
three years. But that moment triggered the recovery of my memories, and then
depression followed. As you know, there was counseling after that, lots of
it."

Alexa nodded, her green eyes intense on Kate's face.
"I know but, you really didn't know until then?"

"There is plenty of evidence to support the idea
that some people experience dissociative avoidance strategies, a kind of
selective amnesia, to reduce trauma-related distress."

"Now you're talking psycho-babble at me."

"Trust me, I researched it to death. I needed to
understand this. And while I was studying psychology and mediation, I found out
a lot. The actual learning and therapy helped me both understand and recover
from the experience."

"Did you?"

Kate nodded. "I had a lot of baggage to work
through. Insecurity, self-loathing, shame, anger. In fact I thought I was fully
recovered… until I saw Simon again. Then something snapped. I began to
experience some of the stress and anxiety I felt back then."

"And… he triggers those memories for you?"

"He did. Therapy helped me to understand why I was
so obsessed with Simon in the first place. And then when he... well, I learned
about a thing called transference. His angry rejection somehow echoed the rape
itself, and released a flood of memories. Or maybe I was just ready to deal
with it. So then they were all tangled up together."

"So despite being a jerk that night, Simon isn't to
blame for your emotional reaction, is he? He dredges up all the painful
memories. But obviously there are unresolved issues."

"Yeah. Apparently. I thought I was past it. But I
hadn't seen him since then. How could I know?" Kate felt small. As though
her bones had shrunk, and her flesh and skin had collapsed down onto her
smaller frame. Her arms were heavy and weak, and there was no longer any room
for her to draw a breath, or space for her heart to beat.

"Wow. I think I understand a lot of things now, in
this new light. Your entire relationship history has been tainted by
this."

“With Simon?”

“With everyone,” Alexa clarified. “No wonder you can’t
commit to Jay.”

Kate reflected on her relationships with men over the
past decade or so, including the confusing and stagnating two-year relationship
she was in with Jay, and agreed with Alexa's point. It was definitely holding
her back. She would never have a future if she didn’t deal with her past.

Alexa sat up taller, meeting Kate’s eye. "Seems to
me, it’s even more clear that you have to quit this nonsense.”

“What?”

Alexa leaned forward on her elbows, intent. "You
can’t keep on with this case, Katie. You have to get out of there before you
get hurt again.”

“No. No, I see now that I have to work through it. To get
past this.” She had to purge herself of the confusion, anxiety and self-doubt
that had hung on all these years.

“You’re delusional! It's not rational to dig around in
this stuff.”

Kate felt a surge of resentment toward her best friend.
And disappointment. “I'm being extremely rational. I thought you would understand.”
She loved Alex, but she was no psychologist, nor was she a relationship expert.
In fact her own aversion to commitment led her into any number of dysfunctional
relationships.

“I do. You’re not thinking clearly.”

Kate shook her head. No. She had to follow her gut. “I
am. I have to do this.”

~*~

Tuesday
arrived grey and gloomy.
Temperatures had remained steady, hovering just above freezing, and the damp
air hung thick and oppressive. Kate stepped off the bus onto a bleak
street-scape and stopped for a morning coffee and bagel, before walking to
Sharon’s office. Fingers of cold damp penetrated her overcoat, making her
shiver, almost as much as the prospect of facing Simon again.

She was apprehensive about meeting Eli and D’arcy and
their lawyers again after her peculiar behavior last Friday morning. Her
intention had been to resume the mediated discussion after coffee break, but
the anxiety attack had come on so precipitously, she just couldn’t pull herself
together and had to get the hell out of there.

Afterwards, while discretely questioning Sharon on the
phone, she learned first that Simon was married to a beautiful and talented
lawyer, a close friend of Sharon’s, and then that he was in fact separated,
which only added to her confusion. Not that his marital status was relevant.
She was quite certain he loathed her, and she was prepared to keep a polite
distance in order to do her work. Her muddled thoughts and feelings fueled her
concern over the proper course of action regarding ethical conduct.

Nonetheless, today Kate was feeling much better about the
new case. Unburdening her cares to Alexa and gaining a new perspective gave her
the confidence that she could manage the case and do her job even with Simon in
the room. Kate had made one more call on Monday morning, concerned about the
impact this problem might have on her upcoming award and presentation. She
didn’t want to take any chances with her reputation. Her old mentor and teacher
at the Justice Institute, Rose MacIlhaney, was just the person to advise her on
the ethical question that was bothering her. She conveniently left out the
detail of her failure to disclose the details. She was relieved to hear Rose’s
verdict.

“It’s a very grey area, Kate,” she had said. “You no
longer have a relationship with the man, and haven’t seen each other for a very
long time. It’s not likely to affect your judgment regarding the couple.

“But Rose. This is
the
guy I told you about.”

“I understand, Kate. It’s up to you to decide if your
performance is negatively affected in any way by his presence, based on your
past together and your own feelings for him. You know what you’re doing. Only
you can answer that.”

Kate had decided that, despite Alexa's skepticism, she
had to face whatever painful memories Simon kindled and purge them forever. She
was determined that, once she got used to the idea, she’d be herself again. And
so she looked forward to hearing what D'arcy and Eli had to say today. Though
it was unsettling to face Simon again, she needed to be strong and focus on her
clients.

Kate arrived first and rearranged the seating from the
previous week. The dreary view from the window was too depressing so she closed
the blinds, fiddled with the light switches to brighten the room, and after a
moment’s hesitation, dragged a potted palm to a new location.
Better
. She would place D'arcy
and Eli side by side opposite her, facing the trio of framed landscapes–
abstract, vibrant, Mediterranean, hopeful. This seating arrangement was
designed to keep everyone comfortable and to avoid confrontation. They were to
feel like teammates rather than opponents.

When Sharon entered, she sat at the end. Kate studied her
warily from a distance. A deathly pale and ghostly mortician in stark black and
white, she was stoic today, saying little. Good. Maybe she would behave herself
on this case after all. It’s just a shame the table is so darn big.

Or not, she thought after everyone had been seated, and
Simon took his place beside her. He wasn’t so rumpled today, she noted. His
navy blue blazer set off a crisp white shirt, and an interesting tan, white, and
red graphic Escher tie. She'd always liked him in white. He was even more
handsome, if possible. Searing heat flashed down the side of her body,
escalating her pulse, but she told herself it was just nerves.

“Before we go any further, I feel it’s necessary to
disclose… something I failed to on Friday. I feel it’s my professional
obligation to tell you that Mr. Sharpe and I were more than mere… acquaintances
in college.” She raised her eyes to Simon’s warily, noting that his widened
slightly at her words. “In fact we… we knew each other rather well.” She
swallowed, waiting for her clients’ reactions.

Eli sat up. “No kidding? That’s cool.”

D’arcee’s face spread in a long, slow smile, and Kate
imagined what inferences she was busy making. “What a strange coincidence,
Kate. Isn’t it?”

Kate frowned, casting her eyes across the faces of her
clients, her heart fluttering wildly. A sharp vertical line formed between
Sharon’s pale brows, but she said nothing, her eyes darting toward Simon for
verification.

Simon nodded, his face impassive. Then a ghost of a smile
flickered across his bow-shaped lips. “Indeed. We did.”