Red Dirt Diary 2 (4 page)

I looked around. The little kids were giggling at the rude body parts they were making in the sandpit. Davo and Gary were screaming around on their BMX bikes trying to run Wes and Fez down. Mr Cluff and Harry were smiling proudly at the propeller they had just attached to Harry's aeroplane. Gabby Woodhouse was talking excitedly to the lavender she was giving a haircut. Sam Wotherspoon was giving Sarah Love a hug of appreciation for the worm she had just given him for his compost heap. And Miss McKenzie was sitting on the veranda steps, hugging a cup of tea in her hands and laughing at Gary and Nick's latest dance, the Christmas fling.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE WANT TO LEAVE ALL THIS????

Saturday, 9 December

Drove out on the harvester with Dad this morning. When I got back to the house, Petal went crazy. She rubbed her head all over my
cheeks and nibbled my ears. Every time I put her down on the floor she quacked like a lunatic until I picked her up again.

Mum said Petal had been sulking since I went out with Dad. She'd stood at the back door and quacked for nearly an hour, then waddled into my room, flopped down on my sheepskin rug and moaned. She's not used to being left behind. Poor little darling.

Gertrude went feral this evening.

When Miss McKenzie first came from Scotland to Hardbake Plains, she lived at Hillrose Poo for a while, in our shearers' cottage. It was lovely, except that she used to play the bagpipes
every single day
. They sounded dreadful — like a hundred cats being sat on by a bellowing bull. But Gertrude, crazy pig, loved it. She became a full-on addict.

Ever since Miss McKenzie and her bagpipes left Hillrose Poo to live with Mrs Whittington, we've had to play a CD of Scottish bagpipe music every morning and night. If we forget, Gerty gets agitated and paces up and down the veranda squealing, or gets depressed and runs away from home. Last time we went away overnight, she ended up at Ned Murphy's house,
three farms away. So now we just play the bagpipes CD as part of our daily routine, like feeding the dogs or collecting the eggs.

Tonight, though, Wes and Fez thought Gerty might like a change. They played their old
Sesame Street
CD. Instead of the bagpipes belching out across the plains, Cookie Monster sang the song ‘C is for Cookie'.

It turns out that Gerty
didn't
want a change. She was furious. She squealed and head-butted Mum as she walked out onto the veranda. Mum ended up in the firewood box with splinters in all sorts of awkward places. She was not impressed.

Sunday, 10 December

Found the
Sesame Street
CD in the scrap bucket this morning. Hope the chooks like it better than Gerty did.

Sat up the back of Mass with Petal in my lap. I could hardly leave her home alone after yesterday.

It's great in the back row. You get to spy on everyone.

Ned Murphy's mum ate three packets of jelly babies during Mass.

Mr Sweeney slept through Father O'Malley's sermon.

Mum spent a big part of Mass praying on her knees. Splinters can be a bummer.

Ben Simpson tore a page out of his prayer book and made a paper crane. And I'm still not sure which is more shocking — the fact that Ben tore the prayer book, or that he knows how to make a delicate piece of origami.

Gabby Woodhouse sat behind Mat. Mat never kneels during prayers. She doesn't want to crease the front of her skirt. Gabby
always
kneels during prayers because sometimes she can get close enough to people's hair to play with it. By the time the prayer was finished she'd put three paperclips, five unicorn stickers and a piece of yellow crepe paper in the ends of Mat's hair. Mat will be livid when she finds out.

I prayed for Miss McKenzie: Dear God, please don't let her make a huge mistake.

Monday, 11 December

This morning while we were waiting down at the front gate, Wes and Fez decided to try tightrope walking on the fence. By the time the bus picked us up, Wes was covered in dust and
had a bleeding nose, and Fez was winded. When Fez got his breath back he vomited on Lynette's backpack, so Nick Farrel punched him in the face.

By the time we arrived at school, Wes and Fez
both
had bleeding noses.

Synchronised nose bleeding. Now there's a circus act!

Then, as if they hadn't done enough for one day, Wes and Fez gave Gabby a crew cut at recess. Gabby bawled her eyes out until home time.

Wes and Fez were totally confused.

‘Why would she be crying?' asked Fez. ‘It looks cool as!'

‘I thought she liked crew cuts,' said Wes. ‘It's just like the one she gave Lynette last year.'

He does have a point there.

Tuesday, 12 December

It was my turn to drive the old ute to the bus stop this morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the golden wheat swayed gently in the morning air … and then a galah splattered on the windscreen.

‘You drive like a maniac, Blue,' said Wes.

‘You make us nervous,' said Fez.

And they meant it! The Flying Ferals think
I'm
dangerous and reckless!

They got out and walked the rest of the way.

When we got to school, Wes and Fez gave Gabby a purple and green tea cosy to cover her crew cut. Gabby burst out crying again. Wes assured her it would look cool and put it on her head to demonstrate. He pulled one of Gabby's ears out the hole for the teapot spout and the other ear out the hole for the teapot handle. He flicked the pom-pom on the top so that it wobbled.

Gabby ran into the toilets and wouldn't come out again.

‘That looked so cool,' said Wes.

‘Yeah. I wish I'd kept it for myself,' said Fez.

Those boys are insane.

Wednesday, 13 December

Hinted to Mat that Miss McKenzie might be making a mistake marrying James Welsh-Pearson. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. She couldn't possibly imagine
anything
more exciting than marrying James Welsh-Pearson.

‘He's a lawyer and he's rich and he drives a cool car and he lives in the city. It's all so wonderfully perfect and romantic,' she gushed.

Mat's never even
met
the bloke and she thinks he's the most awesome thing in the whole wide universe — apart from Gavin O'Donnell, of course (blush, smirk, simper, eyelash flutter, etc, etc …).

I told her that Miss McKenzie should be staying here in Hardbake Plains where she belongs.

Mat burst out laughing and told me not to be so stupid. Nobody in their right mind would want to stay in Hardbake Plains.

I told her that calling
me
stupid was definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Mat grabbed her bridesmaid's scrapbook and stormed off to gush and sigh and flutter her eyelashes with Miss McKenzie.

It used to be
me
who got on so well with Miss McKenzie. Mat thought she was too uncool with her frizzy hair and freckles and bagpipes and soccer playing. But
now
look at them. They're like Siamese twins joined at the fabric sample!

Everything is all wrong. What am I going to do?

Thursday, 14 December

Wes and Fez both wore tea cosies to school today. Wes had a pink and purple crocheted tea cosy with a big pink pom-pom on top. Fez had an owl-shaped tea cosy with two googly eyes at the front. They looked so stupid.

Gabby thought they were making fun of her and burst out crying
again
.

Gunther didn't like the tea cosies either. When Wes and Fez got home and tried to go in the back door, Gunther stood at the edge of the veranda and snarled at them. The three ducklings stood beside him and peeped angrily. Wes and Fez had to walk around the house and go in through the front door.

Sophie and Peter will be home from boarding school in five days. At long last, they will be back at Hillrose Poo where they belong. And best of all, they'll be home for SEVEN WHOLE WEEKS.

Friday, 15 December

Got Mr Cluff to copy some photos for me so I can make a special birthday present for Mum. He pointed out that I had seven photos of the pigs, three photos of Fluffles and eight photos of
sheep, but had forgotten to include any pictures of Wes and Fez. I pointed out that Wes and Fez were, at that moment, running around the playground, wearing tea cosies on their heads, waving Sam's giant zucchinis at Sarah Love and Grace Simpson.

Mr Cluff smiled sympathetically but printed off a school photo of Wes and Fez, just in case I changed my mind.

He also printed off a photo of Miss McKenzie, which he tucked away in his diary. Weird!

Three days until Mum's birthday.

Four days until Sophie and Peter return.

Saturday, 16 December

Mum was driving the grain truck from the paddocks to the silos today, so I was left at home with Wes and Fez. I hid in my room all day so I didn't have to see what they were up to. Started making Mum's birthday present.

Petal pooped on the photo of Wes and Fez. She's so clever.

When I came out of my room to make a milkshake, there was a trail of Band-Aid wrappers through the kitchen and I could see Wes's bicycle hanging off the edge of the
trampoline. I hid back in my bedroom with Petal and Fluffles and read for the rest of the day.

Sophie and Peter will be home on Tuesday and I will feel much safer.

Sunday, 17 December

Decorated the Christmas tree today. Mum thought it would be a quiet, safe thing for us to do while she and Dad were away from the house. It ended up covered in red and gold baubles, silver tinsel, little white snowmen and strings of rabbit poo that Wes and Fez had spent all afternoon threading together with needles and cotton. They laughed and laughed as though it was the cleverest thing they had ever done. Actually, it probably
is
the cleverest thing they have ever done, which doesn't say much about the rest of their lives …

Mum freaked when she saw it. She made them take it all off, but the lounge room still smells a bit whiffy.

Only two days until Sophie and Peter are home for the holidays!

Monday, 18 December

Happy birthday, Mum!

Mum loved the scrapbook of her life that I gave her. She flicked through it, smiling at first, then crying a little bit at the photo of Sophie, me, Mum and Granny Parker just before Granny died. She didn't even seem to notice that there wasn't any mention of Wes and Fez in the whole thing. I wish they'd slip
my
mind so easily …

Didn't have a party or anything. Mum and Dad are too busy with the harvesting. Mum said there's no rest for the wicked, but that's not true otherwise Wes and Fez wouldn't sleep a wink.

Mat spent the whole of lunch time making me practise the bridesmaid's walk for Miss McKenzie's wedding. Apparently it's not good enough to just wander up the aisle of the church in front of the bride. You have to do this freaky thing where you step and stop, drag one foot up beside the other, step and stop, drag the other foot up beside the first one, step and stop …