Red Dirt Diary 2 (6 page)

Had the best night ever out at the Sweeneys'. Everyone's finished harvesting, and it's been a bumper wheat crop at last after all those tough years of drought. The grown-ups were pretty relaxed and happy.

All the kids had this crazy five-a-side tennis competition. Every time we messed up a shot, we
had to put on an extra piece of clothing. Mat was so busy staring at Gavin O'Donnell, trying to get him to notice her, that she kept missing the ball. Five minutes into the game she was wearing so many clothes that she could barely move. She fell over running for the ball and couldn't get up again. She just rolled around helplessly with her arms and legs sticking out like a turtle that's been flipped onto its back. Gavin noticed her
then
, but I don't think it was the kind of attention she was looking for.

Mr Sweeney brought out his banjo after dark and suggested a bush dance, so Dad grabbed his violin, Mrs Hartley borrowed a guitar and Mrs Sweeney got the men to shove her old piano out onto the back veranda. It was great fun. Everyone danced until they dropped. Except for Mat's pop. He danced until his
pants
dropped. Sophie got over-enthusiastic during Strip the Willow and accidentally snapped his braces while she was spinning him around. Mat's pop ended up with his pants around his ankles, yelling,
‘It's Strip the
Willow
, not Strip the
Old Man
!'

We nearly died laughing … except for Matilda Jane the Mature who nearly died of embarrassment.

Anyway, it ended all right for Mat, because now Gavin reckons the Sweeneys are a crack-up, and he danced the last three songs with her. I think he was hoping she would do something really stupid, but Mat thought it was because he wants to marry her. I've never seen anyone flutter their eyelashes and roll their eyes so much. I really don't know how she kept her balance throughout the Virginia Reel.

Just when everyone thought the excitement was over for the night, Wes and Fez appeared from down the driveway, wearing tea cosies on their heads and riding their pig chariots. They got us all to sit in a big circle and ran the chariots round and round inside. Once the pigs were in a routine, Fez stood up in his chariot and started juggling apples, pears and bananas and, I have to say, it was
spectacular
.
Wes then stood up in his chariot, lit a candle and balanced it in a special stand on top of his tea cosy. That's when Mum excused herself and went inside for a little lie-down on Mrs Sweeney's sofa.

Wes and Doris trotted round and round the circus ring with a candle flickering above them. Fez and Mildred trotted round and round with fruit juggling above them. It looked incredible and they should have quit while they were ahead. But it always has to get bigger and better with the Flying Ferals.

Just when we thought the act was complete, Wes started to climb out of his chariot and onto Doris's back! I think he was planning to do the standing gallop, just like the clowns at the circus did on the ponies.

As Wes started to crawl onto Doris, he tipped his head forward and hot wax dripped from the candle onto Doris's back. Doris let out a hideous squeal and reared up on her hind legs. Wes was thrown to the ground where Mildred and Fez ran over the top of him, tearing
his tea cosy, bruising his ear and breaking two of his fingers. Fez was thrown from his chariot and tumbled along the grass until he collided with Mr Hartley's knee. Three apples and a banana came down on Gavin's head and knocked him sideways into Mat. Mat took it as another sign of affection and was on an emotional high for the rest of the night. Doris and Mildred charged out across Mrs Sweeney's garden, pulling out seven geraniums and two rose bushes. Lynette laughed so much she peed her pants.

Sensational!

Happy Christmas!

Peace on earth … but never around Wes and Fez.

Tuesday, 26 December — In the car

We've been driving all day long — Mum, Sophie, Wes, Fez and I — heading towards Bundanoon, Hathaway Homestead and the ENGAGEMENT PARTY. Dad and Peter are in the ute, because they had to deliver a ram to someone at Yeoval on the way.

Petal is looking a bit carsick, so I'm pointing her towards Fez, just in case …

We're staying in a cottage on the Welsh-Pearson property. Hope it doesn't have as many cobwebs and mice as our shearers' cottage at home.

Maybe this time we'll get to meet James Welsh-Pearson properly. All we saw of him last time was a big bunch of roses, a pale white face and a lot of blood.

10 pm — Hathaway Homestead
Guest Palace

James Welsh-Pearson talks with a plum in his mouth and walks like he's got a cricket bat shoved up his bum. I thought he walked that way at Hillrose Poo because Gunther had mauled his leg, but he
always
walks like that.

His mother is even worse. Mrs Welsh-Pearson talks with a
watermelon
in her mouth and smiles without showing her teeth. She calls Sophie Sophia, calls me Trudy, and calls Wes and Fez Wesley and Finlay. She looks down her nose at Wes and Fez as though they're wild animals.

Actually, they
are
wild animals, but
I'm
allowed to say that because I'm family. You're meant to be polite to guests, even when it's Wes and Fez.
Even
if they are wearing tea cosies on their heads.

The Welsh-Pearsons have a house on the harbour in Sydney, but Hathaway Homestead is their hobby farm where they hang out at weekends and on holidays. The grass is green and the fences are all painted white. The barns and sheds look a thousand times fancier than our mud and guts house back home at Hillrose Poo. They have sheep that wear
coats
to keep their wool clean and soft, stud alpacas whose fleece gets sold to textile artists in Europe (huh???!!!!) and a beautiful jersey cow called Jacinta who has won Academy Awards for producing the creamiest milk in the universe (or something like that).

The jersey cow has been quite a problem for Dad. Mrs Welsh-Pearson's name is Clarissa, but Dad keeps calling her Jacinta by mistake. She is not amused.

Dinner at Hathaway Homestead was agony. There were about ten pieces of cutlery for each of us, and Mum kept making these big, dramatic movements every time a new course was served, to demonstrate which
knife or fork or spoon we should be using. I still ended up with three knives for eating my dessert. Dad spilt red wine on the tablecloth and kept saying, ‘I'm truly sorry, Jacinta.'

And I don't think Mrs Welsh-Pearson was very happy about Petal standing at the back door quacking hysterically to be let in. I tried to explain imprinting and separation anxiety, but she wasn't interested. She really just wanted to tell us all about her late husband and how much she and James miss him.

When dessert came, Fez said, ‘Mr Welsh-Pearson really is incredibly late. If he doesn't come soon, dinner will be completely over!'

Miss McKenzie burst out laughing, but soon stopped when she realised James and Mrs Welsh-Pearson were frowning.

The only good thing all evening was when Miss McKenzie and James asked Sophie if she'd like to be the fourth bridesmaid at their wedding. Sophie was overwhelmed with joy. She giggled and fanned her face with her serviette and hugged Miss McKenzie and James. She air kissed Mrs Welsh-Pearson on each cheek with a loud
Mwah!
and Mrs WP seemed delighted! At least
one
of us has made a good impression.

The cottage, by the way, is nothing like our shearers' cottage. It is two storeys and has three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a big box of chocolates on the coffee table.

Well, it
did
have a big box of chocolates on the coffee table … until Sophie and I discovered it!

Wednesday, 27 December —
Day of the engagement party

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

I must be happy for Miss McKenzie's sake.

Well, that's the engagement party over.

Wes and Fez disappeared soon after breakfast. They'd discovered an alpaca that liked to spit, so they spent the whole day running back and forth across the paddock, dodging slimy green goop.

Mr Cluff arrived at 12.30 looking like a bloodhound who was just fed a bowl of carrot sticks. The only time he looked happy was when Miss McKenzie was talking to him.

The Sweeneys arrived at one, and Mat burst out of the car throwing air kisses everywhere.
She positively
swooned
when Sophie told her that she was also going to be a bridesmaid.

Mrs WP thinks Mat and Lynette are little angels, so now I'm the only one in her bad books. Anyone would think I'd fallen over and got grass stains down the front of my new blue dress on purpose.

I have to admit, the party was lovely. There were five long tables on the front lawn, covered in white cloths and big bunches of pink roses. There was a live band — much calmer than the stuff Dad, Mr Sweeney and Mrs Hartley play, but it was beautiful, just the same. We stood and ate loads of tiny sandwiches and pastries. Then just when we thought we'd burst, they sat us down for lunch!

Mat, Sophie, Lynette and I sat with James's cousins from Sydney. Sophie was beside herself because it turns out she goes to boarding school in Bathurst with James's cousin's boyfriend's sister's best friend's piano teacher's daughter — or something like that.

During the speeches James's friend Alex said some very nice things about James that
might
have been true, but I haven't noticed anything so great about him yet. Then Dad gave a speech as Miss McKenzie's pretend father for the day. He said
some very sweet things about Miss McKenzie that were all totally true. Then he said that we are like family at Hardbake Plains, and it's traditional for the bride's family to provide the wedding. So, he would like to formally invite everyone to join James and Katherine at HILLROSE POO for the occasion of their wedding!!!