Red Sun (17 page)

             
He regretted the way he worded his statement immediately.  “Don’t do this.  You know that’s not what I meant.”

             
I threw the sandwich back in the bag and dropped it in the trash.  “You know what?  I’m not even mad that you said it; I’m just mad it took you this long to be real with me.  I already knew you didn’t want me there.  It was just a matter of time until you came out and said it.  That’s why you feel like I should be so grateful to Alicia because I was never a part of the plan to begin with.”

             
“Now hold on a minute.  You’re my child, Solei.  Of course you’re a part of the family.  That came out wrong.”

             
I could feel my eyes burning.  “No, dad, it came out right.” A tear rolled down my face and I quickly caught it so that he wouldn’t have the satisfaction of seeing me cry.  “I just wish I could have my mother back so you could have your life back.  I don’t belong with you.  You don’t even know me.”

             
The only sound that could be heard was the loud ticking clock on the wall.  It felt like we were standing there for ages saying nothing.  I wanted him to leave; leave for good.  I’d thought that this time together was helping us, but one call from Alicia sent us right back to where we started. 

             
Things went from bad to worse when that dreaded gray truck pulled in for a second time that day.  “Oh, God,” I said quietly to myself while rolling my eyes when I saw Jolon climb out of the car and head for the front door of the shop.  My dad made a suspicious face at my reaction, and turned to see who was coming in.  While he wasn’t watching me, I grabbed a tissue from beneath the counter and blotted my eyes hoping to keep Jolon out my business.               

             
The chime over the door rang and my dad was still watching him when he came in and approached the counter.  When I looked back toward Jolon, he was already staring at me, with an indescribable look on his face.  He could see that I was overwrought by something, but wouldn’t have known what.  We hadn’t talked, I mean really talked in over a week, so he seemed uncomfortable; like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if I’d flip out again.  His gaze shifted to my father who had still not looked away and then back to me.

             
“Everything ok?”  Jolon asked dryly.

             
I rolled my eyes and nodded my head.  “Everything’s fine.  What do you need?”  I asked in a cold tone.

             
He looked back at my dad briefly, still unsure of who he was, and then replied, “Just two pairs of safety glasses.”  I nodded and then turned around to grab them from the shelf.

             
“Just take them; you can pay for them later,” I said, hoping to get him out faster. 

             
He was confused, confused and unsure if it was ok to leave me there alone at Ruthann’s with me so emotional and him having no clue that the man standing beside him was my father.  Hesitantly, he grabbed the glasses and turned to walk out after turning back to look at me once more.  I watched him start the engine and waited for him to pull off, but he didn’t.  He just sat there.

             
My dad shot me a strange look and then glanced down at his watch.  He reached to touch my arm and I backed away.  “Shouldn’t you be getting back to work now?”  I asked, never once making eye contact with him.  Why are you still here?  I wanted to ask the question aloud, but didn’t.  As if he’d heard me anyhow, he patted the counter softly twice and looked down at the ground as he exited.  It wasn’t until about a minute after he’d disappeared down the road that Jolon finally left too as if he were waiting to make sure I was safe.  So, not only had my father completely and thoroughly hurt my feelings, but now I had Jolon on the brain too.  Perfect…..

Chapter Seven

              Of all the days for things to come tumbling down, it had to happen on the anniversary of my mother’s and sister’s death.  I knew what day it was the second I woke up, had been dreading it all week.  But up until now, I’d been doing my best to not think about it; pass it off as any other day.  Four years ago, on this very day, I lost the only two people in this world who really understood me and loved me for me.  They didn’t want the song and dance that most people do; they only wanted me to be me.  I was beginning to think I’d made a mistake coming in to work; it should’ve occurred to me that I’d maybe need this day to myself.  First my dad and then Jolon, all in one day.

             
I felt more tears coming on and hated it; Ruthann had opened a can of worms that day she made me breakdown.  Someone was walking up to the door and I hurried to run and lock it, turning the sign to “closed”.  I rushed to the back room and shut myself in with the light off.  By the time I got there and put my head down on the desk, my chest was aching and so was my head.  The customer I’d just shut down was banging on the door and calling out Ruthann’s name, but I was in no shape to help anybody.  I couldn’t even help myself. 

             
The sound of the door chiming startled me from sleep and it wasn’t until then that I even realized I’d dozed.  When I looked up at the time, it was nearly three in the afternoon.  “Solei?”  Ruthann called out.

             
Quickly, I stood to my feet and opened the door to the office just as she was approaching.  My head was spinning from waking up so suddenly.  I was so nervous that she’d be mad that I’d locked the door and barricaded myself in here.  From the looks of things, she could easily assume that I’d just gotten tired and took advantage of her being gone.  She looked over my face and frowned.

             
“What’s wrong?”  She asked softly.  I was totally in shock that she didn’t assume the worse of me.

             
“I…..” was all I could get out before the waterworks started again.  This crying stuff is for the birds.  I stood there with my hands pressed to my face and then I felt Ruthann’s arms around me, pulling me close to her.  I sobbed like a child with her holding me.  She held my head on her shoulder and stroked my back the way a mother would; it’d been years since I’d felt that safe.  It felt like my knees were about to give way beneath me.

             
“Come on.  Get your things so I can take you home,” she said quietly.  I didn’t argue with her.  I grabbed my purse and followed her to her car.  The drive home was a blur right up until she pulled into my driveway.  I had my key out and ready when we got to the front door and all I could think about was getting into bed and doubling up on my pills so I could fall asleep as quickly as possible.  Ruthann walked me back to my room, pulled my purse off my shoulder and hung it on the doorknob.  I sat on the edge of my bed and instantly had my meds in hand.

             
Ruthann grabbed my wrist gently.  “What’re these for?”

             
I looked down at the ground, feeling a little embarrassed and ashamed about needing them.  “They just help me sleep,” I sighed.  She stared at my face while I stared at the ground. 

             
She let go of me and stood to her feet.  “Don’t take that.  I’ll be back with something in a little bit.  Just let me run to the car.”  Before leaving me, she made me lie back on my bed and took my shoes off.  I watched her pace down the hallway and then out the front door.  When she came back, she had a small pouch in hand and went straight for the kitchen.  The water ran, a few pans clanked, and then about ten minutes later she returned with a coffee mug from the cabinet, filled with a hot green tinted liquid.

             
“Drink this.  It’s better for you and it’ll work faster,” she promised.  I trusted her enough that I didn’t question her about what it was.  I finished it quickly and then set the mug down on the nightstand.  Ruthann ran her hand across my forehead and smiled faintly.  “Now get some sleep and if you’re feeling better, I’ll see you in the morning.”  I smiled at her as she stood from my bed and then left.  Not even two minutes had passed and I was already starting to feel woozy from whatever it was that she’d given me.  My eyelids were heavy like I’d been put under anesthesia or something; I was out until it was good and dark outside.

             
When I returned to consciousness, I could hear my father shift on the living room couch and the TV droning in the background.  All of a sudden, I recalled the drama that overloaded me earlier in the day and felt claustrophobic.  I needed to get out of the house with him inside; the space felt smaller than usual.  I hurried to find a couple blankets and headed out the door with my father looking at me like I was crazy, wondering where I was headed in such a rush.  I pushed past the screen door and hurried toward the trail through the darkness. 

             
I’d walked it enough times to know my way without being able to see all that well.  There were a few logs blocking my way that I knew to anticipate, a tree root that I’d tripped over enough times to memorize its location, and a fork in the path that’d gotten me lost once.  It didn’t take me much time to get to the drop off just before the river.  It was the only place I could think to go that my dad couldn’t find me easily.  I still wasn’t ready to talk to him after what he’d said.  I took a deep breath and spread one of the blankets out on the grass to sit on.  The other one was to keep me warm on this cooler than normal August night. 

             
It was the perfect solitude that I longed for on a day like this one when nothing seemed to go the way I would’ve liked for it to.  Here, I was finally able to breathe and think like I couldn’t in the house with him.  My father’s words were fresh in my head and I imagined they would be for quite some time.  It’s not every day that your dad tells you that you’re an add-on to his perfect family; the dreaded black sheep.  Never, had it been my intention to make his and Alicia’s life miserable.  It seemed like my presence alone did that no matter what I did or didn’t do.  When I got there, he and Christina had already formed a father-daughter bond that I never really had the chance to form with him because he’d been out of my life for a decade before I moved to South Carolina.  Aside from our few infrequent visits, we didn’t have much of a relationship. 

             
When I first moved in with him, he had my side of the room done in Strawberry Shortcake because he remembered me liking that when I was four.  Keep in mind, I was a freshman in high school when I got there.  That just goes to show what he was expecting.  He only knew me as that four year old little girl that he’d watched cry in the doorway when he decided to leave.  I’ve changed in so many ways between then and now.  I’m not afraid of the dark anymore.  I hate Twizzlers now.  And unlike that little girl he once knew, grown up me is smart enough to know when someone really loves her and when someone’s just going through the motions because they feel obligated.

             
I looked up at the stars through my tear-soaked eyes and imagined myself floating away.  This would’ve been the perfect time to disappear like I’d wanted to for so long now.  Life seems to be moving in slow motion for me these days.  Very rarely do I ever feel like I really exist; it’s like I’ve been on autopilot all this time just to keep from feeling what is really going on inside me.  But no matter how hard I wished for it, my feet never left the ground and I’ve accepted that I’m going to have to deal with it. 

             
I dropped my gaze and felt my heart skip a beat when I looked across the river and saw something on the other side.  It only took me a second to realize that it was Jolon.  He was just standing there leaned up against a tree, staring straight at me.  I pulled the cover up over my shoulders while I sat watching him too.  On top of the many other issues that plague me, there’s him.  It kills me that I can’t just get him out of my head already.  He made it clear that he’s never going to even explore the possibility of me and him, so why can’t I just accept that and move on? 

             
Even though I was far away from him, I could see how beautiful he is.  I could almost hear his heart beating from across the river, pulsating through the wind.  The distance between us made me feel even more lonely and I started gathering my blankets to go somewhere I wouldn’t have to see him.  Of course, just as I made that decision, he left his shirt and shoes behind and jumped into the water, closing the gap between us quickly as he swam to me.  I felt confused.  All this time, he’d been trying to keep away.  All this time, I’d been trying to get him out of my system.  As I watched him getting closer and closer, I questioned why he’d do this to me.  Why was he doing this to himself?  The give and take was wearing me out; giving me hope one minute and taking it away the next.

             
The water rushed off his body when he emerged, pushing his hair back, and wiping his eyes.  I stared as he walked over and still didn’t understand why he’d come.  He stood at the foot of my blanket, as unsure of why he’d just made that trip as I was.  “Feel like company?”  He asked. 

             
I didn’t say anything at first, just sat there trying to make sense of it all.  I shook my head and felt disappointed in myself for giving in to him.  I’d gone this long holding my ground and making it a point to be emotionally disconnected when it comes to him.  But I guess you could say I’m weak…..and I said it to myself too – in my head, when I unwrapped the blanket from around me and handed it over.  Jolon smiled faintly as he accepted it and then sat beside me, closer than I would’ve expected him to be comfortable with.  I hated that I liked him, hated that I’d given him the power to decide what would happen with us, hated it even more that he wasn’t taking advantage of it. 

             
“What’re you doing out here alone?”  He asked.

             
I sighed and stretched my legs out in front of me on the blanket.  “Just needed some space.”

             
“There’s not enough of that inside?”  He asked cynically.

             
The walls in my room felt like they had me in a vice.  So, the answer to his question was no.  “Not in
my
house. My dad’s being really stupid right now.”  I rolled my eyes.  “That was him in the shop today.”

             
Jolon seemed relieved by that tidbit of information, as if he’d been wanting to ask about that.  I looked out toward the water, wiggling my feet while I thought……about him of course.

             
“Blue?”  Jolon asked with a faint smile on his lips.

             
“Blue what?”  With confusion in my eyes, I followed his gaze to see what he was looking at.

             
He nudged my foot lightly with his, sending a chill through my entire body.  “Your toenails.  Must be your favorite color.” 

             
I nodded.  “One of em’.”

             
He smiled and then looked up at the stars.  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky which was more than I could say for my head.  I felt awkward, like I was imagining everything.  Our relationship had been so strained, but here he was trying to make it seem like nothing had ever been wrong.  My thoughts were so all over the place that I zoned out for a while and sat there silent.
              “Something else is bothering you,” he stated, jolting me from my inner thoughts.  I glanced over when the back of my arm felt warm – he’d touched it softly to get my attention. 

             
I shook my head.  “No, I’m fine.”

             
The wind blew through the trees and the leaves all shuddered in unison.  The noise filled the silence between us.  I looked over to see why Jolon wasn’t speaking and he was lost in thought. He didn’t turn to look at me when he asked.  “Your mind’s somewhere else.  Why is that?”

             
I raised an eyebrow.  “Didn’t know you paid me that much attention.” 

             
He rolled his eyes playfully.

             
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s always somewhere else.”  I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them.

             
Jolon sighed.  “I get that way sometimes too.  It’s like I get stuck in a daze and relive things I’ve already been through.  Sounds strange I know, but that’s the only way I can put it.”  He’d just described how I spend about ninety percent of my day.  The fact that he’d put it in pretty much the same terms I would’ve, startled me.  I rested my cheek on my knee and watched him.  Lost; yeah that’s it. Lost and sorrowful; that’s the only way to describe the look on his face.  It wasn’t hard to spot because I’d seen that look before; on my own face in fact.

             
Jolon lowered his head.  “You know, when we talked that day at the shop,” he paused and decided not to say anything else.  “…..Never mind.”

             
I waited, but became impatient to know what he was thinking.  “No, tell me.  What about it?”

             
He didn’t look like he wanted to continue.  “Nothing,” he finally replied, leaving me feeling disappointed.

             
I smiled and kicked his leg gently.  “You don’t get to do that.  Once you start a statement, you have to finish it.  Those are the rules.”