Redemption (Forgiven Series) (34 page)

“What look?”

“The look that tells me you’re looking for an easy way to make yourself feel better,” she said. My mouth dropped open in shock, and it was enough of a reaction for Angie to realize that she was right. “My dad used to get the same look when he was trying to find a new bottle of booze to drink.”

I turned away, embarrassed at my weakness. I didn’t crave the drug physically, but I needed to find the relief from the pain that the pills provided.

“Look at me,” she demanded. “You can’t win him back by being weak. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but we’ll be here to help you through… even when Josh can’t.”

“You think I can get him back?” I asked.

It was a while before Angie answered, and I didn’t take that as a good sign. “You didn’t see him when he walked out of that door. He’s devastated. You’re going to have to prove to him that you can handle what comes your way without turning to drugs to cope,” she warned me.

I sighed. “I don’t deserve him. He should be with someone who isn’t screwed up, someone who can make him happy,” I started to cry.

“You
do
make Josh happy, happier than I have ever seen him. He just can’t deal with this. You know what happened with his father. He’s afraid of the consequences. He always told himself that he wouldn’t ever put himself through something like that. It’s part of the reason he spent his first three years on campus man-whoring around… that is, until he met you and redeemed himself.”

I sat silently for a few minutes, thinking about everything she’d said. Could I redeem myself? Did I have a chance to be the person I was before, the person who’d helped Josh redeem himself?

Realization hit, and suddenly I understood everything. It didn’t matter that Josh couldn’t be there with me for this because I couldn’t do this for him. If I truly wanted to get past this, I needed to do it for me, and me alone. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d always known that there were things I did to make others happy, but I couldn’t do that anymore.

Wiping the tears off my face, I looked up at Angie. “Can you get my mom and the doctor? I’m ready to get help.”

“That’s my girl!” she whispered and patted me on the leg. “I’ll be right back.”

Angie left me alone in the room with my thoughts as I prepared myself to face an uphill battle. I knew there were a lot of things I’d buried over the years, trying to pretend they didn’t exist by always keeping myself busy, mostly with softball. A few minutes later, Dr. Weaver and my mom came in the door, followed by Angie. A smile broke across her face and she nodded encouragingly.

Taking a deep breath, I looked back and forth between the doctor and my mom. “I need to get help,” I said, feeling a sense of pride when my voice didn’t shake.

“Oh, honey,” Mom whispered.

“That is an impressive thing to hear. With that kind of spirit, I have no doubt you’ll make a full recovery,” Dr. Weaver said, offering an encouraging smile.

“I’m going to do everything I can to make that happen,” I said. Angie stood behind everyone, smiling and giving me the courage to do what I needed to.

The doctor turned to my mom. “Let’s go see what arrangements we can make for Lauren.” Her head move back in my direction. “Lauren, your mom and I are going to make all of the preparations. All you need to do is focus on getting better.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked nervously, pacing up and down my living room.

“Yes!” they all said at the same time.

Okay, maybe I was being paranoid and crazy but I hadn’t seen him in eight weeks. I had no idea what he’d been up to. The deal was, I would do anything and everything I could to get better, but I didn’t want to know what he was doing. It scared me to think of him moving on and so not knowing helped me focus on my treatment and gave me the strength to continue on my tremulous journey.

First, I’d had to face my demons, one being my father. I hadn’t seen him since I left for the facility. Mom had given me the option to see him in the hospital but I’d chosen not to.

All of the garbage he’d put me through when I was growing up was what I needed to face. Recognizing that my dad cared more about money and social standing than he ever cared about me was a hard pill to swallow. Eventually, after many sessions with a counselor, I was able to realize that I had plenty of love in my life, and, someday, the lack of my father’s love wouldn’t matter. It still hurt to think about, but I knew that eventually I’d be able to overcome it.

But now?

Today was the day I would find out if I could save what Josh and I started. Angie had suggested that we start with dinner. Unfortunately, no one was sure if Josh would even take my calls. Apparently, after he left the hospital that night, he refused to talk about any of it, but that was all anyone would tell me. So Angie had decided to invite him to dinner, where she and I could switch places, just like they had done to me what seemed like forever ago. She called it the full circle of our relationship.

At the time I’d thought it was a good idea, but as we got closer to that night my nerves began to get the better of me.

I was so worked up that I was pacing back and forth in the living room. The plan was for Angie to take Josh to dinner and Caleb would bring me a little bit later. Angie had already left so for a while it was just Caleb and I in the apartment. Even though she tried to get the night off, Morgan was working.

When Caleb couldn’t calm me down he called in reinforcements—mainly Emily, Andrew, and Nick. Eyes to the floor, I didn’t notice when someone stepped in my path, halting me in my tracks. I looked up to see Andrew. Not usually the most tactile of people, he put his hands on my shoulders and bent down to look me in the eye.

“Everything is going to be fine. You need to relax,” he ordered. When I didn’t look convinced he continued. “Josh loves you. That’s the reason he didn’t want to talk about you, he’s trying to bury the pain. But he does love you.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath to try and calm my nerves. “He’s right,” Emily chimed in from the couch. She’d already tried to get me to stop pacing, but it ended up just getting on her nerves.

Caleb got up and came to stand beside me, putting his hand on my back. “It’s time to go,” he said quietly. I looked back and forth between Emily and Andrew, who both gave me a smile and a nod. Dropping his mouth to my ear, Caleb whispered, “You can do this.”

I squared my shoulders. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Okay.”

Hugging me to his side, Caleb led me to his car to take me to the place where everything could change.

When I’d left Lauren at the hospital that day, I was gutted. Always thinking that I was a strong person, it was hard to face the fact that, when I needed to be, I wasn’t.

Deciding to bury my pain, I refused to let anyone talk about Lauren in my presence. I had no idea what she was doing, and avoided every conversation where I might have to listen about her. After a month of heavy drinking, I’d decided to try dating again—or at least,
my
version of dating. I went out, night after night, and met beautiful women, but none of them could hold a candle to Lauren. My body’s reaction to her was fierce. Some of the women tried to kiss me, but the desire wasn’t there. Every time Lauren’s lips had touched mine I wanted to rip her clothes off and I wasn’t sure that I would ever feel that same passion again.

By the end of the second month, I’d realized that I would never be able to go back to being the guy who slept with a different woman every night. None of those women ever made it past the door of the bar before I lost interest and went home alone.

For the last few nights, I’d tried actual
dating
. Both times were with girls I’d gone to school with, who’d tried to get me to go out with them before. The first date was a few nights ago and had ended disastrously. Tonight’s date hadn’t ended any better. When I walked through the door alone again, Caleb was waiting for me.

“How was the date?” he asked.

“Horrible.”

He leaned back in the recliner. “As bad as the one the other night?”

Flopping down onto the couch I lay my head back and closed my eyes. “Worse. Why can’t I find a girl who isn’t an idiot, and who wants more than to get into my pants?”

“Karma,” Caleb laughed. The asshole
actually
laughed.

I opened one eye to look at him. “Huh?”

“Karma,” he repeated. “Think of how many girls said that same thing about you in your man-whoring days.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, when Caleb spoke up. “Have you ever really thought about
why
you can’t find someone?”

I had a feeling I knew where this was going, but I wasn’t doing it. “Back off, Caleb,” I warned.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. There was a time in my life when you wouldn’t back off and, for that reason, I’m marrying a beautiful woman next July. I’m not going to let you avoid this just because it hurts,” he told me.

“I don’t want to talk about
her
,” I stated emphatically, wincing at the image that just the mere thought of her had created in my mind.

“You don’t think I don’t know that. You’ve avoided every conversation even remotely connected to Lauren since the night you left the hospital. Goddamn it, Josh, it’s been two months. I’m not letting you avoid it anymore.”

I stood up. “I’m going to bed.”

He quickly jumped to his feet, blocking my path. “The hell you are. You’re going to sit your ass on that couch and listen to what I have to say, even if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Overall, I was bigger than Caleb, not necessarily in height, but I had him by at least twenty pounds of muscle, but I just didn’t have it in me to fight with him. He was my best friend and he was right about one thing—I had made him do the same thing with Angie. Out of respect for him, I sat back down on the couch. “Fine, but I need a drink for this conversation.”

“Oh no, you don’t. You need to answer a question for me,” he said. “Do you still love her?”

Right for the jugular. Nice.

I hadn’t admitted my feelings for Lauren since I’d left that night. I knew I loved her—I always would—but I’d buried it as deep as I could.

Leaning over, I put my arms on my legs and looked at the ground. “I always will,” I admitted.

“Then why avoid her?” he asked, and I could feel him watching me.

For the first time, I admitted my greatest fear about Lauren to anyone and it hurt more to admit that then I thought. “Because I can’t watch her lose herself to the drugs.”

“How do you know she’s lost herself?”

“That’s the point. I
don’t
know. I don’t know what will happen to her, but I’m afraid to see it,” I told him, facing my own demons.

“And what would happen if she got help and got herself together?”

That was the moment I chose to look up and his eyes watched me closely, gaging my reactions to his question. “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I’d still be afraid of what
could
happen, I suppose.”

He got up and put his hand on my shoulder. “People make mistakes, I know that better than anyone. Just remember, some of us learn from our mistakes, and never repeat them. Remember, Lauren gave you a chance to redeem yourself about your sleeping around. Someday, you may need to do the same for her.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted weakly.

“Just think about what I said.” Caleb squeezed my shoulder. “I’m heading to bed.”

I nodded, lost in my thoughts. Could I really face that fear and give Lauren another chance? I didn’t think I’d know the answer to that until I was actually faced with the decision.

That night I slept horribly, dreaming about Lauren. When I got up for class, Angie was waiting for me.

“I hear you had a bad night,” Angie said with sympathy.

“Yeah, no thanks to your fiancée,” I grumbled.

She grimaced, but tried to hide it. “Since he’s got class tonight, how about you and I go out to dinner?” When I looked reluctant she tried again. “Come on. Get out of the apartment, without having to sit with some chick who just wants to get in your pants, since I don’t wanna be anywhere near them.”